Dec 30, 2018
I HAVE NO WORDS.
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I HAVE NO WORDS.
“I had to give ye to him. Though I canna say I’m sorry ye came back to me.”
“Sure I’m not a ‘bree’?—Disturbance, huh? Murtagh told me.”
“Aye, ye are. As was yer mother before ye, but…ye’re one I welcome. Ye’re my flesh and blood. And since ye returned to me I’m finding yer’re my—my heart and soul as well. So…I will keep calling ye Bree, if ye dinna mind it.”
“No. I don’t know what to call you.”
“Ye can call me…Da.”
“Da. Is that Gaelic?”
“No…it’s only…it’s only simple.”
I wish we could know what became of her once you sent her through the stones.
But I think of her every now and then…and the wee bairn she was carrying.
Can I at least pray them sound?
What took ye so long, lass?
Outlander Moments of Impact: Have You Seen a Tall, Redheaded Scotsman?
(THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IS HERE AND IT IS GLORIOUS.)
What would it be like to hold your dream of all dreams in your arms? To be able to touch it, feel it—know it to be true?
After years of believing in a mere idea, what if it manifested right before your eyes?
What must it feel like to have the tiny fragments of your heart that have long been gone, finally come home?
Such is the experience of Jamie Fraser meeting his daughter for the first time in “The Birds and the Bees.” A moment like this is of a realm where human language cannot ever quite grasp what it reaches for, but alas, I shall try.
Let’s break down this scene for some context, shall we?
It is a familiar day—like many others before it—yet a space in time that will forever alter the Fraser Family in a cataclysmic way.
The minute Brianna finds out that Jamie is here, she rushes to go find him. Inquiring, “Have you seen a tall, redheaded Scotsman?” *have you seen my Da* There is a desperation in her voice—an urgency. She must find him.
Directed towards the back of a shop, Bree approaches slowly—tentatively—unsure of what she will find.
Oblivious to what is about to unfold, Jamie is doing an everyday duty (OK I STILL LAUGH AT THE FACT THAT SHE FINDS HIM WHILE PEEING). He seems lost in his thoughts.
All at once, Jamie becomes aware of something behind him. Jolted by the presence of a stranger, Jamie glances back to see a young woman. Disgruntled, he asks, “What de ye want here, lassie?”
Shocked by the sound of his voice and unable to muster any other answer, “You.”
Chuckling, Jamie responds candidly, “I’m sorry, lass. I’m a marrit man.” Making his exit, Brianna places a hand on him bringing him to a swift halt. She cannot let Jamie go...not yet.
Unwavering, “I meant it. I have a wife.” Withdrawing her touch, but unable to withhold the question any longer, Brianna blurts out, “Are you...you’re Jamie Fraser. Aren’t you?” It’s less of an inquisition than something she already knew—something she needs him to acknowledge.
Frozen in his tracks, Jamie gives pause. Who is this woman? And why does she know my name?
Cautiously, without wanting to reveal too much, “I am. Who asks?”
“Have ye a message for me, lass?” What do you want from me? His walls are up. His armor is on. He needs to know if this is a friend or foe...little does he know she is his flesh and blood.
Bracing herself, Bree shares, “My name is Brianna. I’m your daughter.”
At the mere mention of her name, the fortress collapses around him & the armor falls to the earth, “Brianna—is it true?”
Closing the chasm between them, he moved towards her, “It’s you.”
With a shy smile, and a glow spreading at his reaction, she confirms, “It’s me.” Unable to deny their striking resemblance herself, she jokes, “Can’t you tell?”
With the veil removed, he sees her for who she is—and whose she is. Jamie’s eyes brim over with tears, “Aye, aye I can.”
As if struck by lighting, his shock and amazement overtakes him, confiding, “Hadna thought of you as grown. Had ye in my mind somehow as a wee bairn always.” As he speaks, he gently traces her cheek—almost as if to test that she is real—that she is actually here.
Upon touching his child for the first time, after treading the surface for so long, he finally drowns in her, “As my babe.”
“Never expected—oh.” Helpless to hold back from Jamie another second, Brianna melts into his arms. His shelter, his peace, his protection, his safety encircle Bree with his overwhelming, undeniable love. Bree weeps as she realizes her Da is here. He loves her and he wants her—he always has.
Comforting her sobs, “Oh, dinna weep, lass. Dinna weep, a leannan. Dinna be troubled.” *I’m here my child. I am right here, my darling. You’re safe in my arms. You’re safe in my love.*
Jamie has waited to hold his baby for his entire life. After the death of his firstborn Faith, Jamie clung to a wee bairn in the middle of the night—the promise that one day the child in his arms would be his and Claire’s.
Finally, after years of waiting, it is now his baby he holds. Cherishing her, he gently rubs her back.
Putting her at ease in a way only Jamie Fraser can, he coaxes Bree, “It’s alright, m’annsachd. It’s alright.” Wiping away her tears as he envelops her in his love.
Drawing back, placing his hands on either sides of her shoulders, Jamie takes in the sight of Bree: m’annsachd, a leannan. Bursting with adoration, he bestows on her names of utmost affection: my darling, my blessing. Mine and Claire’s.
She is here.
The child he longed for. The child he dreamt of. The child he waited for. The child he made with the love of his life. The child he sacrificed for:
She is here.
She’s no longer merely a dream. She is his flesh and blood in the flesh.
This is a moment of redemption.
A fruition of dreams that seemed to have died.
A culmination of every desire James Fraser has ever had.
The child he prayed for in the middle of the night—in the middle of a war—stands now before him. Alive.
Despite all of his suffering, all of his loss, all of his pain, it was not in vain. It was not for nothing.
For his daughter is here.
And she is more than he could have ever dreamt of or imagined.
His flesh.
His blood.
His heart.
His soul.
His darling.
His blessing.
She is here.
And he can hold her and feel her arms around him as she she holds him back.
Outlander Moments of Impact: She Called Me Da
(Full disclosure: I found this scene to be of monumental importance and found myself deeply impacted every time I watched it *which is about ten times now if i am being honest* This will be an interaction that will stick out to me over time of that I am sure because it proves again the purity of Jamie and Claire’s love)
There’s a bearing of the soul that occurs in the middle of the night—when it seems that you’re the only one in the world awake. There are things which you will say that are especially real. It’s as if the darkness unveils the hidden things inside of us we try so hard to conceal.
In “The Birds and the Bees”, Jamie has such an experience. A liminal space of the realness of his feelings juxtaposed with the reality in which he finds himself. This scene demonstrates a vulnerability to Jamie Fraser in a way that is especially unique.
Yet even in his humanity, he never loses sight to the depths of his love and the lengths he is willing to go to show it.
Let’s break down this scene for some context, shall we?
After spending a glorious day with his daughter, Jamie wakes up in the middle of the night. He is massaging his hand—the hand that decades before was crushed for the love of Claire.
His manner, the look on his face alone, communicates without him uttering a syllable. Something is on his mind. And it devastates him.
Suddenly Claire wakes up, looking over expecting to find Jamie laying next to her. Yet instead, she finds him up.
Noticing the set of his shoulders, she understands. She gently rubs his back letting him know, “I’m here. I see you. You are not alone.”
Knowing he is unlikely to speak first, Claire states, “Can’t sleep?” Short and softly, Jamie’s only reply is, “No.” Judging this, Claire sits up to be beside him.
Claire kisses Jamie’ shoulder. A small gesture of profound companionship. “Something bothering you?”It’s not a question. She knows something is eating at him, so she is welcoming him into a space of vulnerability: to allow her to share in his grief. She can see when he’s in pain.
Leaning back into her care, Jamie lets out a sigh of relief. Almost unable to explain himself fully, his mere offering is, “Oh. Just a foolish regret.” Claire grazes Jamie’s chin with that way hers loving her husband exactly as he is.
Continuing, Jamie confesses, “These past few weeks with our daughter—means so much to me.” With a small laugh, he smiles. Jamie has waited his entire life for his children. The hours he has gotten to spend with Brianna have been nothing short of heaven. Claire cradles her head in Jamie’s neck and holds him waiting for him— inhaling in his bliss.
Whispering his longing, “Must we lose her? I dinna want her to return to her own time, Sassenach.” Jamie allows himself to feel—without any walls up—the love for his child. Without defenses, he expresses the ache in his soul at the very idea of letting her go.
Mirroring his sentiment, Claire clings tighter to her husband and agrees, “I wish she could stay here too.” However, Claire knows what it is like to be a woman in this time, so she centers them both on sensibility, “For a while at least, but...not forever. She belongs back in her time. It’s safer there. There’s more opportunities for her.” Despite her logic, it is clear Claire’s heart is breaking.
While listening to his wife’ wisdom, Jamie’s eyes fill. His despair is beyond disguise.
Even while recognizing the reasoning, Jamie concedes, “I know I mustn’t grieve for it, but...” Then upon remembering, “She...she smiles in her sleep, as ye say I do.” He is growing to know more and more just how much his daughter is actually his. Claire listens with a smile. For she knows all too well this truth: she has been Jamie’s all along.
Clasping her hand, Jamie shares a story about Jenny. A story that once was merely an observation has now become experience for him: “I remember Jenny bending over each of her newborn bairns, watching them for hours. I could watch Brianna like that and never tire of it.”
His bairn is finally here. They share the same breath and as he watches her she takes it away. Claire remains silent watching her husband. Jamie’s love Brianna reflects her own. Unable to speak, she simply sits in awe of him.
Shaking his head full of wonder, “She is a gift.”
Even while speaking of the love of his child, he never forgets Claire. Jamie Fraser never forgets who she is to him: without her, without her love, he would be nothing. He trace’s Claire’s cheek, “From me to you.” He blesses who she is to him with a kiss and adds, “And you to me.”
And then they linger there...in the atmosphere of their love.
Quickly remembering and unable to contain it, Jamie blurts out giggling, “She called me Da.” His face shines as if he just gained the whole world.
Feeling the weight of his words, Claire is speechless for she knows all the more now what they have to endure giving up. What can she say to him when she is very well acquainted with what it’s like to leave Brianna?
So doing what she does best, she naturally just leans into him. And there they sit—head to head and heart to heart.
It is seconds in time such as this that reveal to us our own yearning. Yet sometimes, also slaps us in the face with our own situation. And the height, width, and depth that our love is willing to go.
James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser has wanted to be a husband his entire life. Not wishing to marry just any woman, he waits. And the second Claire Fraser appears, he knows she is the one—his greylag. And his heart sings.
But Jamie has also wanted to be a father. And after losing one child, he finally comes to the joy that his wife is carrying another child: the promise.
Then the floor collapses beneath him as he realizes what this means: he must lose them both. He must send them back for there is no other way to secure their safety.
Both ripped away by the cruelty of fate, his own life hangs on by a thread as he calls through the skies for the lost ones—slowly grieving himself to death for years.
But when Love is true, not even death can separate it.
And one morning of seeming inconsequence, deliverance walked through the door in the woman of Claire Fraser. And then on a grey afternoon, redemption appeared and burst the skies wide open in the woman of Brianna Randall.
His lost greylags heard his song and fought their way back to him—giving it all just as he had decades before to find him.
And here in the stillness of the night, Jamie has to grapple with the idea of losing his child? Of giving her up again? The sheer thought of it slices him through the heart.
She called him Da. He is her Da. She is his blessing, his darling, his flesh, his blood, his heart, his soul—how can he part with her?
Because sometimes love is not about fighting to keep the one you love, but loosening your grip and allowing the one you love go. Love does not withhold from those it loves. It gives and gives and gives and gives. It gives knowing what it will cost. It gives understanding how it might hurt like hell.
And so, even with a broken heart, Jamie is willing to send her back—to lose her all over again—because that is what love does. That is what James Fraser does for love.
THE BEST SIGHT CLAIRE HAS EVER SEEN.
Jamie x Claire
THESE TWO REDHEADED PEAS IN A POD.