Jesse,
Where to begin? I know that you stated very clearly that you don't wish to speak of all of the things you said, and thus I won't ask you to. The only thing that I do ask of you is that you do not simply tear this piece of parchment to shreds when you see my response, one that will probably mention all of the things that have been said. While, as I said, I won't ask you to speak of them - they are things that have been said, therefore cannot be taken back. It might be easy for you to pretend that nothing happened, but for me it isn't. You seem to have a fairly well understanding of the person I am, thus you should be able to understand why I can't do that. No, I won't pester you about it, as I have an understanding of the person you are as well, but I do feel as if there are things that I need to say in response.
First of all, while I probably should, I will not apologize for my stubbornness as of recently. I realized a long time ago, that the way one feels about something is not something that should be apologized for. Truthfully, I'm still getting used how things are now. Admittedly, the distance is more than I'm a fan of. I don't mean the literal distance, for that's something that can be easily remedied given our magical advantages, but distance in the less obvious senses. It does all make sense now, with your explanation... but it doesn't make me any more fond. For a short while I almost felt as if we were worlds away, even when we were corresponding. Falling into some sort of routine, you constantly busy with your job at Hogwarts, me increasingly busy with my rise to inevitable stardom - I began to wonder why might come if we weren't able to make more time for one another. I'm most positive that I was worrying over nothing, but it was something that was easier for me to worry over than you being distant as a person.
That was just it though, that's always the way that you've been... a mystery to me just as I am to you. I tend to lose sight of things in preference of myself, and that is something that I will apologize for. I don't always understand the ways that others react to things. I know and understand how I operate, and oftentimes thing that the world would be a much simpler place if everyone did the same as I. Unfortunately, that's not the way the world turns. You wouldn't be the boy I've found myself falling steadily for since the moment we met. Try as I might have to deny it for the longest time, playing games, playing that I positively despised you to no real end when truthfully, I too was jealous. You understand things in a different light, ways that I'll never be able to understand them, not even if I tried
Many people will call that darkness, but they're wrong. While it isn't exactly smiled upon, they don't understand you, that's all. When one doesn't understand something they immediately begin to criticize it in place of putting in the effort. I've always known, even before you shared those memories, that there was more to you. I'm certain you don't realize it, but it's always been there... subtly, but there. One one really looking for something might see it. If Madame Tibideaux is anything even comparable to the platform of critic they hold her on, she'd have seen it as well. There's a look in your eyes when you're performing, that's where your passion lies. I'm sure you try to hide things with vacant expressions, cold gestures, but your eyes... they always seem to give you away.
There's a reason that I began to push you in the first place, and that wasn't to make you feel vulnerable, rather I wanted to know that you felt confident enough in me... in us... that you could be honest with me. You think I don't understand that fear? I do... there were moments in which I felt as if you were slipping away from me. You were the first person to make me feel special in a way that no one else had. Sure, I'd already at least seemed sure of myself enough, but you tuned it in on a different wavelength. I've never been a Fabray, someone so sought after by the masses. I know that I'm not the prettiest girl around... that was always something I would never be, more or less where my insecurities laid, but you... you made me feel different. I never thought I'd be the girl that someone couldn't take their eyes off of, but the night of the Equinox ball... it was early on in our relationship, but that's when I knew all that I needed to know.
Now, I suppose I've gotten off track, but back to it... It wasn't my intention to simply make you feel vulnerable, what I wanted was to make you feel safe enough to open up to me. I wanted you to know that I would never hurt you should you choose to open up to me. It's my opinion that everyone needs that someone... that someone they feel safe with, that someone they can confide anything in. Everyone needs their person, and you, Jesse St. James are mine. I don't care what anyone else says about you, none of that matters to me. I know the person you are, that's all I need. I know my actions in pushing you towards opening up to me as you did might say differently, but you still did it... While I might have my moments where I'm riddled with doubts, those typically have more to do with me than they do you or anyone else. I know that I don't always come off as insecure, but that's my own guard you might say. I know there are really no reason for them, but they're there, and sometimes they show more than others. I don't usually talk about them with other people, but I have no trouble admitting that they're there with you. When I get down to really thinking about it, you're the only one who really seems to make them fade.
I'm sure I've spoken enough at this point, and I'm not even fully sure if I, myself, really got to the point, but you've rendered me speechless - which is why it's taken me so long to get back to you. I spent the better part of the past twenty-four hours thinking of the perfect thing to say only coming to the conclusion that really it's as simple as reciprocating those three little words, that I love you too.
I may have your heart in my hands, but you have mine in return. I trust you to take care of it, keep it safe for me, and I solemnly swear to do the same for yours. I don't expect some big sentiment back, I know how you feel, and I hope you understand how I feel in return.
Yours,
Rachel Berry ★
PS - Your impeccable use of metaphors was highly appreciated.
