#p: self

[leejieun]

200924 IU's Instagram Update

@dlwlrma: ELLEMEN fresh @gucci

[aislinmurdock]

breakfast & confessions

Who: Aislin Murdock & Ridley

When: 13/01/2021 - early morning

Where: Murdock Kitchen

What: Ridley asks Aislin about her past with Wesley after he came over for dinner the night before.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1008

Notes: None

It was morning and Aislin was in a really good mood. Despite having definitely been awake for way too long, drinking coffee with dinner will do that to a person, but Aislin wasn’t the type of person to turn down someone else bringing her coffee, especially if that someone actually knew how she took her coffee. Maybe it was the buzz of coffee still in her system, maybe she’d hit a second wind. Maybe her first love had walked back into her life with coffee and donuts and sweet words and his stupidly handsome face with promises to stay. Okay, actually, it was probably that. It was probably Wesley, but she didn’t want to dwell on it. For the first time in over a month, she wasn’t actually having to fake being in a good mood.

Ridley, was less enthused about the morning, but couldn’t help but smile at the way their foster mum moved about the kitchen, dancing along to the song playing from the bluetooth speaker in the corner. Sea shanties and Irish rock at not even 6 am was a new one, but it could definitely have been worse. There had been a lot of depressing music lately and even Ridley had been struggling to listen to it so early in the morning.

“So, you and Wesley dated, right?” Ridley’s voice pulled Aislin’s attention away from where she’d been working on breakfast and she barely managed to withhold the scoff that tried to cross her lips.

“What makes you think that?” Her voice was definitely a few octaves too high as she turned her attention back to breakfast.

“You just happen to know the guy who plays Lucifer well enough to invite him over for dinner when none of your other friends have come over and yet you’ve never mentioned him before. I haven’t even met Supergirl. Which means there’s history there.” They crossed their arms over their chest. Okay, they had a point and Aislin didn’t like that, because she couldn’t lie to them.

“Fine, yes. We dated.” She sighed. “Did you grab your paper off the printer?” She turned her attention from the mostly finished breakfast to grab a med container out of the cabinet by the sink and set it next to the plate on the counter.

“When did you meet? When did you date? What happened?” Ridley double checked their bag, making sure they’d grabbed the aforementioned paper, moving over to sit down at the counter. 

“Years ago. We were at some formal function for the BBC, they’re dreadfully boring, and he’s good to take the piss with.” Aislin shrugged, moving over to the coffee maker and pouring them both a mug full. “We were friends, who turned into more, slowly then all at once. As cliche as that sounds. It was easy, going from friends to more. Then, in 2015 we actually decided to put some sort of label on it. I was already going to go on a social media break, I was tired of people and questions. So it made being together easier. Or as easy as dating when you’re both constantly on the go can be. Which was hard.” As she spoke she dished up breakfast and settled at the counter next to Ridley.

“Okay, so, what happened? How did you y’know end up not together? You were obviously close and you still are.” Ridley started eating and Aislin did too. She didn’t really like that they were trying to delve so far into her and Wesley’s past. Though, she had to admit that she couldn’t necessarily blame them. The relationship she had with Wesley, even now, was special and different to every other relationship she had.

“The distance just pulled us apart. There’s only so many texts and calls and last minute flights for visits that only last a few hours that two people can do before it stops being enough. We were both at places in our careers  where stopping and slowing down didn’t feel like an option and then, next thing either of us knew, we’d lost contact.” She shrugged, it was after that point that she’d looked into dating again and found herself with Luce. It had felt like fate.

“Wait. What? You just got busy?” Ridley had been expecting some decision to call it quits. To keep just being friends. But, to just stop without any sort of closure? Definitely not on the list.

“Basically, yeah.” 

“Let me get this straight-” Aislin shot them a look. “-er than either of us. You were in a relationship with Wesley. A relationship built on a very deep friendship. And the only reason this relationship stopped is because you both got busy. You didn’t even really  break up did you?”

Aislin’s eyebrows furrowed and she focused on her food for a bit. “Take your meds.” She reminded them, motioning to the med container sat on the counter. 

“You didn’t! You never broke up! No wonder you got so close to him so fast. You never stopped liking him!” Aislin back handed them gently on the shoulder. 

“Shush, and take your meds.” Her face was bright red, as she tried to hide her face. Ridley laughed, taking their meds.

“Does he know?! Does he feel the same?!” Ridley was pretty sure that Wesley probably felt the same, they’d seen the way he’d looked at Aislin. The way he’d react to her, how attentive he’d been. It was so clear in the way he looked at her.

“Yes, but I can’t. We can’t. I was in a relationship for nearly three years. I was engaged. Planning a wedding. He deserves better than that. He deserves… He deserves to not be a rebound. I’ve too much on my plate at the moment, even if I wasn’t heartbroken.” Aislin sighed, downing her mug of coffee and looking at the time. “C’mon, finish up, it’s near time to leave.” 

And like that Aislin had ended the conversation, standing from her seat and continuing with the last of her morning routine.

[lightingsam]

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@lightingsam: If you dont take a pic did you even go? 💪

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[mannytucker]

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Where: Manny’s Apartment, Santa Monica

When: Both present day and Six Months ago

Notes: Manny wakes up from a vivid dream to remember that his fiance is no longer there

“It’s your turn to shut off the lights.” Manny chuckled as he rolled over his hand was met with the cold empty side of the bed. His hand snapped back as the cold was so icy it almost burned. Sitting up Manny shook his head. “I gotta stop doing that.” He muttered to himself as he slowly stood up. It had felt so real, like she was still there. Getting up to grab a drink of water he sighed heavily his mind flashing back to that day. 

“Honey I’m home” Manny called out as he walked through the door of the apartment he shared with his fiance. Manny had gotten home early and wanted to surprise Daisy with a night together. Putting his bag down he was concerned when he didn’t hear anything. “Daisy?” He asked as he made his way to the bedroom. His heart dropped when he entered the room and he could feel his pulse begin to race and palms begin to sweat. There on the night table was the ring he had given her just a month ago. There was a note there and he felt his hands tremble as he picked it up. 

I’m so sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know who I am and you don’t deserve someone who isn’t all in. I love you. 

Manny had to force himself to swallow feeling like a lump had formed in his throat. He couldn’t breathe he couldn’t think. This couldn’t be real this had to be a dream he began pinching himself to try to get out of it but to no avail. As the tears streamed down Manny didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t know what to do. How was he supposed to go on when half of him was now gone? 

Finishing his glass of water Manny made his way back to bed. Reaching to turn off the light he stopped as he stared at the untouched side of the bed. A vision of her blonde hair laying on the pillow flashed across his mind. “Come to bed. I want to sleep silly.” He could hear the words like she was still here. Flicking off the light he laid down feeling the cool air on his back he pulled the blanket up higher praying to fall asleep quickly and hoping that he wouldn’t dream of her at least once at least one night of peaceful sleep it’s all he needed. 

“Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? Would you get them if I did? No you won’t Cause you’re gone gone gone gone gone...” 

[melliemaus]

Blast From The Past

Where: Carl’s Pie Shop When: March 16 2020 Notes: Mellie gets a blast from the past that sends her on a rollercoaster of emotions

“Get on out of here Carl. I can handle lock up tonight. Go out and treat ya’self sugar.” Mellie grinned swatting towards the man and shooing him out of the building. She worried about him that he didn’t get out enough and that’s why Mellie was always willing to take over so he could hopefully love himself a little bit. There were only a few people left and as they trickled out she was ready to close up when she heard the bell at the front door. “We’re just about to close up so we’re only doing to go.” Mellie offered not looking up as she was sorting a shelf behind the counter not hearing anything she turned around. 

A gasp escaped Mellie’s lips as she saw who was standing in the shop. Her face paled as she felt nearly like she saw a ghost, the jar she was holding crashing to the floor. “Oh shit I’m sorry.” Mellie flustered to grab the broom and try to clean up. “Here let me do it. You take a deep breath darlin’” Mellie nodded handing over the broom as she watched Sarah sweep the floor cleaning all the shards of glass. Mellie flipped the closed sign locking the door before going to sit with her. “What are ya doin’ here?” She asked as her eyes took in the other woman’s face. 

Her hair was still long and dark and curled every which way. Her wide smile and those dimples that drove Mellie wild. She had done everything she could to forget Sarah Marshall. To forget the pain and the heartbreak and the sadness that she had felt when she had realized that Sarah had no interest of trying to find a life together. That Mellie had always been Sarah’s dirty little secret and that’s all she would ever be. “I have a game we’re playing the strikers. I’m on a team in New York. I uh I made it.” She smiled softly. “Seems like you did too. Meels this place is everything you ever wanted.” 

Mellie couldn’t help the pride that filled her heart at the news. She had always known that Sarah would go places and even after everything she was proud of her. “It’s not my place but it keeps me happy keeps me going.” Mellie had tried not to wince at the nickname she was the only one to ever call her that. “How did you find me?” She asked. “Meels please you’re kind of famous everyone knows they gotta go try Mellie’s pies at Carl’s place.” Sarah chuckled. “When I heard that I knew, You always did love a good pie.” Mellie bit her lip. “But why Sarah I mean I know what high school was to you. You don’t have to pretend we were friends or that you need to see me.” Mellie could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she tried so hard not to let the emotions come back up. 

“That’s the thing Meels I fucked up. I know how I treated you and it was so awful and I have regretted it I felt bad ever day since graduation.” Sarah sighed. “I was told so many times that if I was gay my career was over,. It was the south Meels I mean for god’s sake you didn’t want to be outed either.” Sarah let out a frustrated sigh. I was young and afraid and desperate to get out and not have to spend my days working odd hours to take care of my family.” Sarah looked over to the other woman tears in her eyes too. “So I pushed you out and I mad you believe that I didn’t care but you are my first love. Amelia Maus I wouldn’t have survived High School without you and I have not loved anyone the way I have loved you ever since.” Mellie could feel her heart stammering at the words it was all she had ever wanted to hear that ti had meant something to Sarah too. That Mellie wasn’t crazy and that she had meant something. Tears were now rolling down her cheeks. 

“I would have risked it all for you.” Mellie said softly. “I know” Sarah spoke her words dripping with shame. “You were always stronger than me.” Sarah said softly. “I know I’m too little too late and I know you got a great life here and I am just so darn proud of ya.” Sarah sighed. “I just needed to tell ya before I regret it for my whole life and it was something I had to say in person.” Mellie sniffed wiping the tears from her eyes as she moved closer to the other woman. “I think part of me will always love you Sarah Marshall.” Mellie admitted. “But thank you. It’s exactly what I needed to hear and I’m sorry you couldn’t talk to me I’m sorry ya went through all that but you’re doin’ amazin’ things reaching ya dreams and I am prouder than proud could be.” Mellie reached up to wipe a tear from the other woman’s cheek.“ They spent the next half hour talking and it was like no time had passed. Mellie felt her heart soaring and some wounds healing but also that ache she had learned to dull pushing its way to the surface. The pain more raw as she tried to pass it down. 

“I’d love it if you could come to the game. I mean ya don’t have to I know I hurt ya and maybe ya don’t ever wanna see me again.” Sarah admitted. There’s always a home out here for ya. You’re braver than ya know. I’ll be rootin’ for ya at that game just like I always did.” She nodded. “You’re incredible Meels.” Sarah said softly. “I know you’re working I should probably get back rest up for the game but I’m glad you’re good Meels.” Mellie nodded. She knew the time had come and while she knew she would see her at the game Mellie wasn’t sure if she’d ever speak to the woman again. “Goodbye Sarah” Mellie nodded. “Goodbye Mellie.” Sarah leaned over to kiss her lips softly and Mellie felt a wave of emotions wash over. As she watched the woman walk away she couldn’t help but feel this was the closure she had been needing. As a few tears rolled down her cheeks Mellie couldn’t determine if she was heartbroken or relieved or maybe just maybe a little bit of both. 

[hctedmusicals]

Here They Sang About Tomorrow, And Tomorrow Never Came // Self-Para

WHO: Ricky Bowen, The rest of the Drama Club

WHEN: During Drama Club, Fall 2019

WHERE: Rehearsal Space at East High

WHAT: It’s Ricky’s turn to present the song he has picked for Miss Jenn’s drama assignment. 

WARNING(S): None.

The drama assignment that Miss Jenn had given them hadn’t exactly been easy for Ricky, but then again: None of them really were. He did like music, and singing and playing guitar, but he still wasn’t an actor. He was definitely more well versed in musicals these days though, mainly because Nini watched them all with him, and this time around he was actually paying attention.

He had ended up going through a lot of lists he had found on the internet, and also considered asking Nini for help, because she was the one who knew him best. If anyone knew a good song for him to sing, then it was her. Ricky had, however, realized that it would probably be considered cheating. He was supposed to find a song that held a lot of meaning to him, right? Not one that Nini thought he’d be good at singing.

It had struck him in the middle of the night. He had attempted to call Nini, but realized it was probably too late, and that she was asleep already. So, Ricky had turned around and tried to get some sleep. He didn’t remember actually falling asleep, but when he woke up his heart was pounding in his chest and he felt his hands shaking. 

A nightmare. 

He wasn’t even sure what it had been about, but it had left him with a sense of dread, and the fear of falling back asleep. Lying in the dark, he had remembered that evening during summer, when his Dad had been out, and he had flipped around the channels to find something to watch.

He had eventually come across a movie he vaguely remembered. It was one that Nini had loved, but the first time around she had tried to watch it with him, Ricky had straight up fallen asleep. 

This time around he didn’t, which was mainly due to the fact that he was avoiding going back to sleep at all cost. The movie wasn’t as bad as he had remembered, but it probably wouldn’t be one of his favorites either in the near future. Still, there was a song that had immediately resonated with him. He wasn’t even sure why at first, but at the end of it, Ricky found himself sitting in an empty living room, crying.

It hadn’t been until now, when he had come across it again, that he remembered the entire ordeal. He tried not thinking about last summer anyways, because it reminded him of losing Nini, and also his Mom, but sometimes, out of nowhere, it would hit him. He had thought about it again during rehearsals, when they had been close to being cancelled, and now it had come back again, like a reminder of that godawful summer and everything he had lost then.

“Ricky, it’s your turn.” Miss Jenn’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he nodded, picking up his chair and carrying it to center stage. He could feel everyone looking at him expectantly, and briefly wondered what they were expecting. 

An upbeat song? A powerful ballad? Yeah, people would probably expect those of him. Something dramatic was reserved for EJ, right?

Ricky could feel his chest tighten as he thought back to how it had been so easy for Nini to leave him. Surely, he had been the one to screw things up, but why couldn’t she have just pushed back? Told him that taking a break was a bad idea?

“There's a grief that can't be spoken, There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables, Now my friends are dead and gone.”

His voice rang through the room, quiet at first, as if he was trying to bring himself to even say the words out loud.

“Here they talked of revolution, Here it was they lit the flame, Here they sang about tomorrow and tomorrow never came.”

A picture of his mother flashed before his eyes, how she was waving at him, both of them on opposite sides of the security check point at the airport. She had promised that time would fly, and she’d be back in soon. Ricky had often asked himself if she had already known that she wasn’t coming back. He didn’t resent her for wanting to get out of a marriage that clearly wasn’t working anymore, but to up and leave and build an entirely new life for herself without even so much as mentioning it?

It was selfish, and it still made his chest tighten a little whenever he thought about her.

“Oh my friends, my friends forgive me That I live and you are gone There's a grief that can't be spoken, And there's a pain goes on and on”

Catching sight of Gina for a moment, Ricky could feel his sight getting blurry. It took him a moment to realize that it was tears pooling in his eyes that made everything fuzzy. It wasn’t Gina’s fault that she had left, and she had come back in the end, but it wasn’t the same. Back then he had thought that…pushing that thought aside Ricky noticed that he had gotten up, the chair tumbling over behind him.

“Phantom faces at the window, Phantom shadows on the floor, Empty chairs at empty tables where my friends will meet no more. Oh my friends, my friends don't ask me What your sacrifice was for,”

His voice was breaking ever so slightly as he sang now, hands shaking where they were curled into his jeans to prevent just that, as if he was holding on for dear life. Or maybe his sanity. 

His head was spinning just a little as he eventually caught sight of EJ, tears falling from his eyes as he attempted to blink them away. 

EJ. Who had somehow managed to weasel his way into Ricky’s heart. Who texted him every day, just to say good night. Who invited him out for ice cream and who smiled that smile that made Ricky’s knees go weak.

EJ, who’d be off to college in less than a year.  Leaving Ricky behind.

“Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friend will sing no more.”

[theodoramoreaus]

Production. Self Para.

Pain. Pain is all they can ever feel. Pain is all they have ever known. Sometimes that wicked four-letter word would hide in the crevices of their mind when things were going well – when they didn’t have to worry about the physical pains of hunger or the emotional pains of neglect when Lavinia took them in, or when they found a way to thrive with the help of Cosimo Capulet – but it was never completely gone. They knew their pain could not be erased, and it was why they created faerie’s blood, in the hopes of finding a way to do so for others. Theodora never seemed to try and erase their own pain with the concoction, however. No, as much as pain made a home of them, they would make a home of it, for their intimacy with pain was what drove them to want to eliminate it, and what allowed them to do so, successfully.

But sometimes, they wanted it gone. Maybe not gone forever, but gone for a moment. Not gone in the erasure that faerie’s blood could banish it, but gone in the sense that they didn’t have to have it at the forefront of their mind for a short period of time, wringing out their heart like a wet cloth. They figured, why could they not create that? Surely it would be as popular as faerie’s blood, but in a different way. A small escape from reality is what they craved, and they were sure they weren’t the only one who needed it. Pain would still be there, but it would be muted, on the other side of a wall that was nearly sound-proof. A distraction from pain was all they needed. Some in Verona could probably use it, as well.

The thought came to them in time of mourning. In their time of grief and agony, thinking of all they had lost, they still knew this pain was useful, that it was necessary for them to feel. Still, they realized, it did not have to sit at the forefront of their mind at all times. A distraction. That’s what they needed. They wanted to feel as if they were dreaming even while they were awake, pleasant dreams they required to escape from the nightmare of reality. If there was anyone who could wrap that sensation up and sell it, it was them, and so, they got to work.

They wouldn’t know to call it faerie’s ring until they were high off the first dose of the liquid, a drop of potent product that caused them to see the ring of faeries dancing about their head in the lights above their eyes as they laid on their back. Theodora had created a hallucinogen unlike any the world had ever seen. A tryptamine that mimicked serotonin almost better than the natural neurotransmitter itself, they were willing to take this under the assumption that, unlike faerie’s blood, it would not remove their pain, but simply give them a temporary distraction from it. All of this and more happened as they giggled through their visions, pleasant feelings washing over from what they falsely saw before their eyes, drowning the pain under the jubilant waters the drug brought forth. It was perfect. It was ready.

Well, it was almost ready. They found a way to get the product into tablet form, packing it into a nice little diamond-shaped tablet, with fillers that, of course, gave it the same beckoning luster as faerie’s blood. They tested different concentrations on themselves and others, ensuring a wonderful high without any dangers of consuming too much, though they knew that, like most hallucinogens, it would take an extreme amount to cause any harm. Bad trips would not be seen in their drug, they wouldn’t allow it. This was their distraction from pain, and Theodora refused to cause themself another ounce when they had so much of it to spare.

The festa dell’amore seemed to be the perfect time to release their new concoction. After all, what was a sweeter, more loving gift to the people of Verona, their people, than a dream? Certainly it was sweeter than anything the Montagues could ever hope to give them, especially when they had successfully sabotaged the drugs the other side peddled so arrogantly. The pills would be easy to conceal and easier to exchange and easiest to take. Their mind still swam with possibilities, though, knowing their work was not done. Their mind already enjoyed the possibility of adding their faerie’s ring solution to candy, but they knew it was best to watch their simplest form grow, along with the faerie’s blood Verona loved so much (and who could blame them?). Their empire was only growing another root, further enriching the blood of Verona, turning it more and more silver by the minute.

Theodora Moreau has recently perfected faeries ring, a hallucinogen they distribute in tablet form. This hallucinogen shows no signs of central nervous system depression of the user, unlike Ambrosia. It is not addictive, only taking hold of the user for the 6 to 12 hour period the hallucinations last. Users experience visual and auditory hallucinations, mostly, but the other senses can be affected. The hallucinations interact especially well with light, similar to how faerie’s blood has some light perception-altering side-effects; Theodora believed they saw faeries dancing in the lights when they first experienced this high, hence the name they gave it. The tablets are sold in small amounts and retail for €20 a pill, with long-time customers receiving a discounted price of €15 a pill. Price could go up to €25 depending on supply and demand. The product is first sold during the festa dell’amore, and shows no signs of stopping.

[rxs-jovanna]

Photo Student Photographed by Family (image 1) & Photographs Imitating Family Members’ Portraits of Photo Student (image 2) All Uncropped - the family members were given free-rein to dress, pose, style and direct me in any way they liked. They were also in charge of the setting, lighting, composition and frame. I observed them as they worked and then tried to make a photo of them that emulated the image they’d taken of me, paying attention to the things that had been most important to them when taking their photo.

2. My father came to tell me he knew what photo he wanted to take first, only about a half hour after I’d told my family what I wanted to do for this project. He came into my room with a wry smile and said: “I want to take a photo of you when you’ve been in bed all day with your dog and your computer and your headphones in.” He wanted me to look like how I do when I’m writing and he comes in to my room. For the setting, he made my room messier, and for me, he told me to get into my pajamas. The dog was less than happy to comply with his directions, but eventually she was still enough for him to take a photo. In response, I posed him where he sits when I come out of my room on those days when it’s just us at home, both writing in our separate spaces. He sits in this chair, in his little corner of the living room, with the dog under his feet and frowning at his computer. For posterity’s sake, I’d like to mention that I no longer work in my bed, but on the blue beanbag chair you can see just in the top left corner of his photo of me.