A Few Honest Words || Solo Para
TAGGING → Elliott Gilbert
TIMELINE→ Thursday, April 2nd, 2023- Early Morning
SETTING → Kurt’s Grave
SUMMARY → Home for the holidays and done with what they promised their parents, Elliott attends to a personal agenda: visiting Kurt’s grave for the first time since his death.
Elliott loved coming home for the holidays. It didn’t really matter what one it was, honestly, an excuse to go home, to have a break from classes and eat proper home cooking was always a welcome one. They loved it when there was an actual holiday, especially. When Passover overlapped just right over Easter, so that Elliott could go home for it for the majority of it, or when the winter holidays did the same. It brought a little more joy to their days, no matter what else went on for the vacation.
So Elliott had happily helped finish the rest of the cleaning for Passover, when they’d gotten home the evening before. It hadn’t taken long, of course, the rest of the house had mostly been cleaned, and Elliott’s room wasn’t that bad, but it had time consuming nonetheless. But it felt like a bonding experience, and it was grounding, so Elliott had let themself enjoy it, before going to dinner with their family the night before.
But then, with the house clean and nothing to do...Elliott had caved. They’d promised to help out, and they had. They’d even promised to help their mom prepare some of the foods that they’d be eating for the next few days- mostly because Elliott had a great addiction to her special, flourless cookies- but that would come later. It was too early in the day now, to bother baking.
They’d woken up early, and donned their handmade cloak, designed to blend with Muggle fashion, and laced with protective skills. It had been easy, to get a cab and rattle off where they wanted to go. It had been good, to have fun, party and relax the night before, but Elliott had respects to pay.
That was why they were paying the cab driver ridiculously early in the morning, before stepping out of the vehicle and moving towards the graveyard with a thermos of tea and a small container of cookies nearby.
There was no one nearby, the ground was too damp to be good for visitation, really, and the morning air was a little too chilly. Elliott didn’t blame the Muggles much, and had their cloak not been laced with warming spells, it probably would have bothered them, too.
But it would be better to do it now than later, Elliott mused as they pulled out their wand, casting a drying spell on the ground. They didn’t want to think about the logistics of everything, the ground that had been frozen when Kurt had died and had just recently thawed. They didn’t want to think about missing both his funeral and his burial, or recently it had happened. It didn’t matter, Elliott decided as they settled down on the grass near Kurt’s headstone, fingers drifting over the cold, stone surface for a moment.
“Hey man, sorry it took so long for me to come here.” The words felt strange, almost foreign as Elliott cracked open the container of double almond cookies they’d brought along with them. “I hope you don’t mind any. I uhh- ” Elliott broke off, shaking their head a little. “Well, you know. And I didn’t want to come after dark yesterday, either. It seemed better to start the day like this”
Elliott looked around as they spoke, and seeing no Muggles, carefully cast a few spells to prevent any eavesdropping, just in case anyone did come nearby. A few more were cast to check for any kind of electrical bugging -could you ever be too careful, nowadays?- and a final one that would ideally prevent any nearby from recording anything. After a few long moments, they’d cast every privacy spell and spy prevention spell they could think of- they couldn’t risk doing otherwise and they thought they deserved their privacy, too.
“But I’ve missed you. I missed you a lot. I miss you almost every day,” Elliott sighed heavily, “So it’s not like I could have ever stayed away, no matter how much it hurts, sitting here, wondering if you can hear me. If there’s any part of you that’s still here, or...” Elliott broke off, shaking their head a little. “This would be easier if you’d come back, you know. If you were a ghost? It would’ve killed me, but there was a part of me that just...Looked for you, when we got back to the castle. Looks for you still, wonders if it would’ve been worth it, just to say I’m sorry.”
James said it wasn’t their fault. Everyone said that it wasn’t Elliott’s fault. Still, there were days that Elliott wondered. No, they hadn’t made Kurt take the train. No, they hadn’t caused the attack, but still, those thoughts lingered. Could they have done anything?
The answer was no, but maybe that hurt most of all.
“Sometimes I wonder if you know that you were killed. If you know it wasn’t an accident, but murder. That- That the people who hurt Lily and Fran’s mom-” Elliott found the words stuck in their throat, so they swallowed hard, trying again, voice softer. “Sometimes I wonder, if I would’ve told you about Umbra, if you would’ve chosen differently. If you would’ve come a different way to come over, just in case. If you would’ve been safe.”
It was a hard thought to manage. Elliott had begun everything with one grounding thought. Could they trust the person in question with James and Quinn’s lives, without doubt or hesitation? If the answer was no, then they wouldn’t even consider bringing them in, before. But now, things were different. Now they were at the point where Elliott would have brought up Kurt. But Kurt was gone, and it was too late, because they hadn’t taken the leap and tried to do it sooner..
“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. That I couldn’t do enough. I don’t know if you can hear me, but God, I hope you know that Kurt.” Elliott leaned forward, resting their forehead against their fingers. “I wish there was some way to tell me you know that. That you know I love you, and don’t blame me for being the reason on the bus.”
There were a long few moments where Elliott didn’t speak, where they listened to the sounds of the cemetery around them, let the wind ruffle their hair and just breathed. They uncapped their tea after a while, watching steam unfurl from the top of the thermos before they spoke again.
“For what it’s worth, I’m going to make them pay. I don’t want to say I’m out for vengeance, or to avenge you. That sounds....Well, it sounds kind of melodramatic, and you’d probably shake your head and roll your eyes at me. But we’re preparing to fight, Kurt. A part of me is prepared for war, and it terrifies me, and I wish you were here, to do it with me, but you’re not and it’s their fault, and I’m going to make them pay.”
They were little things, small confessions that even James didn’t know, because no one had ever really asked. Everyone knew how Elliott felt about Kurt and no one really knew about Umbra. Even those that did would never be privy to these little thoughts.
“I fight for James and Quinn, too, of course. And I know I’d follow James into battle -into hell- when it comes down to it. I’m coming to realize that there’s very little limits, to the things that I’d do for him. But it won’t be for just them. I’ll fight for you, too. I’ll fight because you can’t anymore. And I know, that when the time comes, I’ll do whatever I need to to finish this, without hesitation.”
And that was the scary part. “One day, James’s going to ask me to follow him, I know it. And it won’t be practice, it’ll be reality. One day, I’m going to follow him into battle, Kurt. And it fucking terrifies me to think about it. Because I don’t want to die.” Elliott swallowed hard, “But I’m not scared to anymore.”
They reached around their neck then, fingers curing around the locket that had been their birthday present. “Some days, I think I’m resigned to it. That, at the end of the day, I’m just...I don’t want to, but I know that if I lose my life to save someone else’s, it’ll be worth it.” Elliott squeezed the locket in their hand, “You’ll be with me, too, just so you know. I’ll bring your memory with me, always.” And Elliott knew that one day it would come. That one day there would be war. That one day, the rising darkness would come to a head.
Elliott would meet it head on if it killed them.
The thought was sobering as Elliott kept speaking softly to the headstone that they sat beside, taking a bite of a cookie as they did so and working to stay composed. They hadn’t cried in a long time, it wouldn’t be right to start now. They found that they couldn’t stop speaking now. That it was good, and a relief to pretend that Kurt was here, as Elliott told him everything that they couldn’t before. About Umbra, and Elliott’s quest to learn Occlumency to keep them all safe. How they’d done all they could really, on their own, they were working on Legillmency now, to see if they could teach the others how to block them out- that would probably be what they’d start after the spring holidays, if Elliott had a say in the matter.
They told Kurt about their quest to become an animagus, how even now Elliott was making progress. James’s teaching helped, as did Elliott’s natural gift for Transfiguration, and how they were getting closer and closer, even if they weren’t there yet. How they didn’t know how realistic it was, but Elliott’s goal was by the end of April -or at least before they graduated, and they promised to come back when all was said and done. To visit Kurt’s grave as a fox, because even if Kurt never would see them like that, it was as good as Elliott could get.
They told them about their fears, fears that hadn’t even been spoken to James, because he didn’t deserve the burden, about their family. About how Elliott needed to keep them safe, and had thought about the Fidelius charm for half a second, before the logistics had broken through. How the thought unplottability had seemed like a good one, but how Elliott still wasn’t sure, and they didn’t want to mess up but they were so, so afraid that they’d lose their family too.
Elliott spoke until their throat was dry, taking care to make sure that no one else had entered the cemetery or come near them, as they finally let themself say everything that they never would have said if Kurt was alive. And when they were done with that story, Elliott told him all about WADA, and their audition. When it was all said and done, all Elliott could do was sit there in silence, too lost in thought to move, and not wanting to go anywhere just yet.
There was too much to say, and nothing to say it with so Elliott would just have to hope that their presence here still would be enough.
But it was too soon, before the food was gone and the thermos was empty, and they knew that soon their family would start to worry about what they were up to, out here. Elliott had nothing left to say to Kurt now, nothing else that would somehow make everything okay, or that Kurt would want to know. As tempting as recounting the gossip of Hogwarts was, Elliott hadn’t been much for keeping up with it, as of late. There was no use in pretending, and they knew they shouldn’t sit around looking for excuses to stay at Kurt’s grave..
So instead, Elliott stood, conjuring a small bouquet of flowers that they sat down on top of the stone. Elliott wanted to cast a spell protecting them from damage or wilting, but knew that would be noticed- they couldn’t risk it. So instead, they conjured a few more, this time deciding that artificial flowers might be a bit better, and next time, they’d try something else.
They’d be back soon, they knew that well. But for the moment, Elliott just stood, taking a moment to remember Kurt, and what he’d meant to them as Elliott looked down at his grave..
“I miss you, Kurt.” Elliott said once more to the silence. “I’ll be back soon.” And with that, Elliott turned away, head bowed as they left behind the cemetery and Kurt’s grave, to return to their life instead.