You’re just as bad as him.
That was what had hurt the most. Becca had excused herself from Naya’s tight grip in the middle of the night to disappear into the bathroom. Turning on the sink, she splashed water all over her face and scrubbed it clean with a towel before staring at her reflection. She knew Naya hadn’t meant to hurt her, and she knew she had needed this wakeup call...but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting like hell. Becca could talk the talk and walk the walk but when it came down to it, she was a coward. She’d fight like crazy for her friends and Naya but she didn’t have the strength to fight for herself. It was why she had spent practically a year avoiding talking about Matt, why she had spent so long avoiding telling her family she was dating Naya, and why she refused to be the bigger person and call up her dad to talk to him. She was terrified of having to deal with her emotions. She preferred to pretend she was alright and light and breezy and had no cares in the world. She didn’t want to acknowledge her fears. She would gladly spend her whole life avoiding her dad if it meant that she never had to face that ashamed look on his face or spell out just how hurt she was. In her family, it was like this - no bad feelings existed because nobody ever talked about them.
God, she was terrified. She was so scared. She had never felt so scared in her life. She had gone from floating through day by day after Matt died, moving through the motions of eating, sleeping, talking, breathing, only to be alerted back into reality by falling in love with Naya. She couldn’t pretend with Naya. She couldn’t ignore Naya’s calls, or go to Naya only when she was bored, she had actual legit feelings for this woman and she had to face up to them. She had to find that bravery to fall in love again and start shaping her future. And she had, right? Even when people persisted in telling her it’d never work out, or warning her of Naya’s reputation, or mumbling that they were moving too fast - Becca had known in her heart that this was the real thing. This was her second chance. She had to say goodbye to Matt, as hard as that had been, and she had to start working for that future with Naya.
Coming out to her family had been even scarier. When you’ve presented yourself as a certain type of person your whole life, it’s hard to suddenly tell the people who are supposed to know you best that no, things have changed, and your heart has shifted. Her father had loved Matt. He had been kind, respectful, and a good businessman. All positive traits in her dad’s eyes and for Becca to tell him that she had fallen in love with a woman, it had been the ultimate act of betrayal in his eyes. He had been raised in a time where two men or two women being together wasn’t moral - it wasn’t right - it just wasn’t heard of. It was a sin in the eyes of God, and it must mean something was wrong with Becca. But Becca knew this wasn’t the case. All this meant was that she had found somebody who inspired hope, who made her stomach flutter with butterflies again, who made her laugh...and who made her insides go warm at the smallest wink and the tiniest hint of a smirk. She just happened to be of the same sex too.
So the idea of facing her dad was scary. She admitted it. She had reacted so harshly to the idea because she wasn’t sure she could face her dad and hear him finally admit that he’d never accept Becca, or her new life, or that he wouldn’t be around for her future. Because Becca knew Naya was her future, and she knew she wouldn’t let go of that, no matter what her family said. But it was a very different case to accept this in your mind and accept what was being thrown in your face. Admitting she was scared had always meant admitting she was weak in her family’s eyes. And Becca had spent far too much time steeling herself against the disapproval of her parents - for not becoming a lawyer like Jessica, for partying too much during her younger years, for moving to New York City with no money and no plans, and now, for not following the ‘moral’ compass of life. It was time to grow up, like Naya had said. Becca sank to the floor, clutching her towel still, and held onto tightly, knowing she had say goodbye to the protective covering of her skin...because this was a new life, a new chapter, and she couldn’t hide behind a wall anymore.
