#painted rants

[painted-cheetah]

I got into a car with a bunch of athletic family members, now they're playing beach tennis and I'm here contemplating suicide via boredom...

Also, it isn't that I'm not athletic, I'm just too autistic to have anything to do with sand other than being miserable at the beach.

Someone save me now lol

[painted-cheetah]

You know, my sister changed completely around a year and so ago, she was a difficult person to deal with, but she still cared about people, y'know.

Now, she has a boyfriend my entire family hates, she doesn't attend anymore family events , she doesn't spend time with anyone other than him.

She had been actively hunting me at home so she could fight me over the most stupidest of things.

A screaming match over dishes, over money, over face soap, over where I park my fucking car. Over (get this!) washed dishes(????wtf).

She would lose her patience over the most trivial matters and I felt really unsafe in my own house.

My sister has money, she's a physician, 7 years of medical school and three of those with me living with her, making my own disturbed and desperately miserable way over veterinary medicine school.

She never treated me like her equal, not even when we were broke students. Now she's practicing and it's not like she's rich or anything, but she has money, good money.

And she makes sure to just throw it at my face with every oportunity she gets, because I'm not very easy either, y'know, there is something very (at the most normal I could be, at least) very V E R Y atypical about me.

I am very ADHD, and despite undiagnosed, my psychiatrist is urging me to do the neuropsycological tests once more, 'cause when I did the first time I was under what she called "a crisis" so it doesn't count??? And she thinks that I am 1) very autistic, or 2) gifted, which looks a lot like the tism and makes me super awkward.

I have this peculiarities that I've always had, these sensitive issues that just got worse and worse, and then the pandemic came and I've NEVER recovered, it takes me so much to just leave the house.

And I have a dog, a dog I've adopted in my first year of vet school, a dog that has been my companion for the last 6 years, a dog that has also been her companion, because we live together.

And then, she turned into someone else, and I got kicked out of my house because I thought that if I kept myself there, I would kill her, and that scared me. And I took all of my shit, and I left.

And I had to leave the dog, my mom BEGGED me to leave the dog, scared my sister would try suicide or something just as scary, so I did, I left my dog behind.

My sister robbed me of everything, of my home, of my stability, of my peace, my financial stability, the city I've lived in for the last 6 years, my parents comfort (because they just don't want to get involved), everything.

But she took my dog, because she is a grown woman, but chasing away your younger sister is a reason to be instable enough someone who's leaving you because they can't stand you anymore gets worried. Because I don't have a house anymore, where will I put a dog?

But I miss my dog.

I fucking hate my sister.

I mever felt so alone and helpless in my entire life.

[painted-cheetah]

You know, my sister changed completely around a year and so ago, she was a difficult person to deal with, but she still cared about people, y'know.

Now, she has a boyfriend my entire family hates, she doesn't attend anymore family events , she doesn't spend time with anyone other than him.

She had been actively hunting me at home so she could fight me over the most stupidest of things.

A screaming match over dishes, over money, over face soap, over where I park my fucking car. Over (get this!) washed dishes(????wtf).

She would lose her patience over the most trivial matters and I felt really unsafe in my own house.

My sister has money, she's a physician, 7 years of medical school and three of those with me living with her, making my own disturbed and desperately miserable way over veterinary medicine school.

She never treated me like her equal, not even when we were broke students. Now she's practicing and it's not like she's rich or anything, but she has money, good money.

And she makes sure to just throw it at my face with every oportunity she gets, because I'm not very easy either, y'know, there is something very (at the most normal I could be, at least) very V E R Y atypical about me.

I am very ADHD, and despite undiagnosed, my psychiatrist is urging me to do the neuropsycological tests once more, 'cause when I did the first time I was under what she called "a crisis" so it doesn't count??? And she thinks that I am 1) very autistic, or 2) gifted, which looks a lot like the tism and makes me super awkward.

I have this peculiarities that I've always had, these sensitive issues that just got worse and worse, and then the pandemic came and I've NEVER recovered, it takes me so much to just leave the house.

And I have a dog, a dog I've adopted in my first year of vet school, a dog that has been my companion for the last 6 years, a dog that has also been her companion, because we live together.

And then, she turned into someone else, and I got kicked out of my house because I thought that if I kept myself there, I would kill her, and that scared me. And I took all of my shit, and I left.

And I had to leave the dog, my mom BEGGED me to leave the dog, scared my sister would try suicide or something just as scary, so I did, I left my dog behind.

My sister robbed me of everything, of my home, of my stability, of my peace, my financial stability, the city I've lived in for the last 6 years, my parents comfort (because they just don't want to get involved), everything.

But she took my dog, because she is a grown woman, but chasing away your younger sister is a reason to be instable enough someone who's leaving you because they can't stand you anymore gets worried. Because I don't have a house anymore, where will I put a dog?

But I miss my dog.

I fucking hate my sister.

I mever felt so alone and helpless in my entire life.

[painted-cheetah]

So recently, I've been startling myself because I notice things like slight shifts in lamps and tv light intensity and it actually really bothers me.

Because I mean, nobody else sees it, and it's fucking distracting.

Except, I've been taking an anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer for the last five days, and it's like, kinda gone, totally doesn't happen as often.

Which can only mean two things:

A) I've been having seizures that made me experience these shiftings in lightning.

B) I'm being good vibes enough that it just doesn't bother me anymore.

But! I'm someone who is bothered by the smallest of things, so I'm nearly a 100% sure that seazure it is!

Also, please take note that I am V E R Y neurodivergent, and can actually hear radio waves, which honestly for me to this day it makes 0 sense, but we tested with an actual radio and everything and the buzzing only I can gear an hate it throughtly is very much there.

(Cue to me covering my ears and looking at my father with the most suffering expression one can muster "wtf is that sound?" and the unbelivable "what sound?" And then proceed to tap some wires together and see me flinch and shift and jump everytime, than the tilting of a curly haired head "I think you might be hearing the radio waves, cause look-" proceeds to demonstrate on how with the wire conected the receptor plays music, and with it disconnected I failed very miserably at keeping my discomfort over the noise of static and buzzing to myself. "Yep, ya hear them.")

So maybe, ( no, okay, hear me out) maybe is just my body catching the overheating of the lamps, or an error in the change of colors in tv, or some shit like that.

Though, If we wanna be honest, there's a big chance it's seazures, so yeah.

But let's be positive here.

[painted-cheetah]

Most of the time I'm so utterly lost, like, how do people even find jobs?

[painted-cheetah]

It's kind of crazy that I got into this site when I was thirteen, and this place is still the same.

Like, having tumblr humour is one of the craziest parts of my personality, but I mean, I got here in 2012, a very impressionable teenager, and now I am a very broken adult, and crazy is mh default?

[misspaperdolls]

stupid post

Another thing that annoys me is I complete missed the Fragile Dreams fandom. I remember I saw pictures of the Crow x Seto kiss all over my dash for a few weeks. But after I played it (well when I played it) hardly anyone talked about it and it became forgotten (kind of).