Last summer, I came to Jordan for a vacation and only planned to stay for two months. The year of my life leading up to this vacation was not great. I was depressed, stressed, and overworked. I had convinced myself that I loved working so much that I didn’t let myself enjoy anything but work. I came to Jordan, those two months ran out and I had been so happy that I had no plans to return to Canada anytime soon.
I made a decision to stay for another three months. It was the best time of my life. I had spent five months surrounded by family, friends, fun, and happiness. It was the happiest I had been in the longest time. I think I was so broken before coming that this break repaired me in ways I didn’t know I needed.
I learned a lot about myself during that time. I learned that I needed to find a balance in everything I do. I learned that I can never do things without putting everything into it. I can’t work without putting every part of me into that job, can’t be in a relationship without putting all of my love into that person. This way of living my life damaged me.
I returned to Canada five months later and I was a new person. I was happier, calmer, more rational in how I perceived things, and that is when I started taking my writing seriously again.
While I was in Jordan, I accessed a part of me I thought I’d lost. I started writing again, and I poured everything into my writing. I wrote everything, every minute, every feeling, every thought, it all came out at some point. The good things, the bad things. I felt like my writing had been closed off and the dam had finally broken and it was all flowing out of me at once. It was such an amazing feeling. Even when I wrote about depression and my self-doubt, reading it later made me feel something incredible.
So, when I returned to Canada, I made it a goal of mine to focus on my writing. To be serious about it. This time would be different. It wasn’t going to be another one of my short stories that I was too scared to finish because I didn’t think I was good enough. This time was different, because I didn’t just think I might be good enough, I believed I was good enough.
With that in mind, I still wanted to return to Jordan. I wanted to go back to being that same me that ignited this fire in me. The one that made me brave enough to believe in myself. I thought going back to Jordan was the only way I could be that me. A few months after being in Canada, I was happy, I didn’t think it was the ultimate happiness, but I wasn’t unhappy like before. So, I was still adamant on returning. And I did.
When I first got here, I was miserable. I was homesick, I was emotional because for some reason, everytime I travel I get my period. Lucky me! It was just not a great start to what I thought was supposed to be the best decision I would make. I told my parents that no matter what I tell them, I wanted to go back to Canada. It felt like shit to admit that I wasn’t happy considering how bad I fought for my parents to be okay with me coming here to live and start a new life.
It’s been almost four months since I’ve been back in Jordan and I have gone back and forth with trying to decide what to do next. Should I stay and work here? If so, I need a plan. Where will I live? How will I get there? I’m going to need a car!! it all became so overwhelming. Then, I thought about what my life would look like if I returned to Canada. Would I go back to one of the jobs that I loved, but put me in the dark place I was in before? Would I work retail until I figured things out? What if I got too comfortable and just stayed working, and stopped focusing on my writing?
Everything was just too much. I finally had a talk with my parents and I needed help making this decision. I think after hearing everyone’s perspective, everyone’s advice, and everyone’s opinion on the matter, I realized that I needed to make a decision that wasn’t based on whim or on the fact that I’m young and need to take advantage of this time in my life.
So, in the end, I did some soul searching and some thinking about what I really wanted. I realized I had absolutely no clue. All I knew was that I wanted was to focus on my writing. I needed to stop thinking about all the shit that could happen all the what-ifs and the things I won’t be able to control yet. I also knew that I wanted to go back to Canada because I missed my friends and family. I also realized that despite the fact that the city I grew up in Canada was boring, I had a life there. I was raised there and I was used to things there. I faced a lot of struggles in Canada being middle eastern and muslim. I didn’t always feel like I fit in and I always felt conflicted about who I was. I thought I felt like I belonged here, in Jordan, but I didn’t really think about how much the cultural difference would affect me until I started noticing that I suppressed myself a lot. One thing I noticed about myself in Canada, was that I never felt the need to suppress myself. Yeah, maybe I didn’t always feel like I fit in. I didn’t like that I always had to explain myself, things about my culture or religion to people, who were too ignorant to know what to say or how to act around me. I didn’t like that just because I looked white and spoke perfect english, people would just assume I was white and then go on to say offensive things. And I would struggle with myself about whether it was worth it to correct or confront them.
Anyways, all this is to say that I’m going back to Canada soon and I would love it so much if people would stop asking me what I’m doing with my life, what my plan is, what I studied and then go on to suggest all the places I should send my resume to. That is really annoying. I would love if that stopped.
I’m still figuring me out guys. Thanks!
