tonight’s fuck squad was a very special session, in which we did not play pathfinder because maddela’s player had a class scheduled because she wants to develop her artistic skills PERSONALLY WANTS TO SEE ME WEEP. so tonight, i broke out pandemonium and the DILF Patrol played their first adventure!
“No snack mat? What, we eat our snacks off the table? Like animals?”
Rhonia’s player proceeded to drop her icing from her booze cupcake right on her character sheet, presumably in protest.
The DILF PAtrol consists of 4 DILFs and one MILF played by the beard as a guest
Yoni: “I am Peel Hat-trick Narris.” “I wouldn’t let her call herself Heel. Didn’t want the foot fetish jokes.” (Peel is a local musical theatre actor and a magician.)
Rhonia was playing Jordan Malik, a 25-year-old DILF that has a podcast, carries his baby everywhere, and who I kinda headcanoned as looking like Sergei.
The Beard played Stacy’s Mom (Rachel Wayne) who was also heavily into wine mom culture and I guess an antivaxxer?
As a side note I googled Stacy’s Mom to play it for his intro and the first result on Amazon was a porn called Stacy’s Mom 2 and, like, can you not? That music video was creepy enough as is.
Saida played Dirk, a doomsday prepper DILF.
Sergei’s character wasn’t named Dads Mikkelson because she is a coward. His name was Soren and he was a european actor who smoked and wore tracksuits.
Saida: “Someone had Fritos here. I can clock that from a mile away.” “That’s your paranormal talent.” “No, that’s making the Fritos disappear.”
Saida: “I put a bagel on a garbage bag while I was stoned and called it a New Brunswick plate.”
we eventually get down to actually playing, and the DILF patrol’s mission this week is to track down the Leydeckier Slab, a massive slab of ice mined from an arctic cave with weird prehistoric markings carved into it. it went missing from a local convention centre from the owner, joseph leydeckier
Dirk: “How armed do you think I should be?” “not?” “Very. Got it.”
Rachel: “I use mind reading to tell if his name is an anagram!” “He’s not thinking about whether his name is an anagram because that’s not how any of this works.”
Leydeckier is apparently an anagram for celery dike and I’m dying
Leydeckier is being interviewed by reporters about the slab’s theft. Our patrol finds out that he’s not too bummed because it was mostly a publicity thing for him and his company, Hydrix, which sells Pure Chill water
i did not make the Pure Chill water=chillwater connection because i’m a dumbass
he does not know dr phil
they investigate the scene, and find out that the night guard apparently spontaneously combusted. Soren uses his communing with spirits powers to talk to the ghost to find out how he died- apparently someone in a bathrobe set him on fire. He then has to go out for a smoke because he’s scared of ghosts.
Peel: “I hope they can’t MAKE people spontaneously combust. I can’t afford that in this line of work.”
they discover a vial that reads “Manufactured by Jacqueline Farrell”
and listen guys i was gonna make this a standalone unrelated to the fuck squad universe
but i made this story by rolling on the random tables in the book
and the first result i got for minor phenomena was a store that sells some magic items but mostly junk
that’s just feral jake my dudes
jacqueline confirms that a weird twitchy dude in a bathrobe bought that from her- it’s supposed to be a weird substance that, when you pour it on a crystal and shine a laser pointer through it, makes people “spontaneously” combust. she assumed it was some bullshit though
rachel buys a hunk of moonstone and horoscopes from her
by then it’s evening, so jordan goes home to take care of his baby and everyone else goes bar hopping because they’re all negligent parents, goddammit guys, being dads is in the name
jordan gets an e-mail to his podcast account from someone named Garth asking to meet up, because he’s a Venusian who has some info on the slab but he doesn’t want to talk online because men in black might be watching. he agrees to meet up at a local bar called the shed, and tells the rest of the patrol who meets him there
Also there’s apparently a cult who is convinced that, if the slab thaws, the end of the world is nigh.
rachel rolls to see how her high chemical tolerance handles the alcohol but she rolls a 1 so she is white girl wasted.
garth tells them a bit about the slab, then offers to discuss it somewhere a bit more private. rachel tries to read his mind, only to find she can’t- turns out he’s a martian, not a venusian. he panics and attempts to shoot her with a stun gun, and gets tackled to the ground and tied up.
[discussion of the ice ball flat earth theory] “okay i am from space and I can tell you that is not true” peel: this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!”
Dirk got up and took a photo of the star chart because her husband doesn’t believe that my game is run like a kindergarten class.
In interrogation, Garth revealed that he had a partner he was here to abduct humans with, but he got disintegrated by some guy with a bathrobe and a crystal behind an abandoned gas station called Spaulding’s.
“He chose the name Craigory, a perfectly normal human name!” Peel: “As peel hatrick narris I believe this.”
Jordan: “Suckin’ on those spuds!”
they leave the martian tied up in the bar bathroom and go home.
Jordan googles to find out more about the cult and finds that they call themselves the Brethren of Lumi and that they believe they’ve translated the marks on the slab.
At about 4 AM, however, the power goes out.
I intended this next bit to be a quick little “oh no!” but they made it into a whole thing where Dirk drives Rachel’s Hummer around town and picks everyone up and gets them to get their bugout bags and it was a whole Thing but anyway they all end up at Spaulding’s
Peel walks through the wall in the back to sneak in, while Dirk kicks in the window to see what’s going on. Three cultists in bathrobes are desperately pouring purchased ice into an old ice cream freezer to try and stop the stolen slab from thawing.
It does not work, and the creature who was imprisoned in the ice, a weird lizard made of ice, revives and attacks, killing one of the cultists.
Jordan attempts to channel his past life, Mary Read, but fails so hard he’s just convinced he is her with none of her skills or talents for ten minutes. He takes one of Dirk’s guns and shoots at the lizard.
Rachel tries to make a molotov cocktail but does poorly.
Peel gets stuck in the wall trying to get out of the bathroom.
Dirk shoots the lizard a bunch of times with his harpoon gun.
Meanwhile, Soren manages to find the crystal and solution they used to burn the guard and uses it on the creature. It melts, and the day is saved by the DILF patrol
