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Before The Storm “Panfire”

A compilation of written Panfire from the past. Written with the original Demonic Peter Pan. Part 1/?

Pan:

Pan stands precariously perched on the very top of a barnacle encrusted rock in the center of mermaid lagoon. He slowly crouches down on the very edge of the looming peak, peering down into the cobalt depths of water that gradually fade into blackness. The water was unusually still for midday. Only the ripples from the cascading waterfalls encompassing the area disturbed the surface, coming to lap at the edges of the rock, splashing the starfish and scuttling crabs. The dimly glowing orbs of Pan’s eyes keenly sweep over the water again, searching for anything stirring underneath the waves. But there was nothing. All that could be heard was the distant, incessant splashing of the waterfalls, echoing through the area only making it seem more devoid of life. Of course investigating the scene for the presence of mermaids was entirely pointless. Pan’s magic allowed him to sense them whether they were visible or not. But once in a blue moon, the finned creatures were able to sneak up on him without his knowing, for they too possessed magic. Usually Pan wouldn’t bother making sure mermaid lagoon was deserted before entering their territory. The mermaids and Pan both enjoyed each other’s company, but Pan sensed a soul headed directly for their nest and, quite contradictory to his usual barbaric behavior, he wanted to protect this soul from harm and the wicked creatures that lurked in the ocean. Pan wasn’t sure whether it was his natural bastard-like, inflated ego of knowing he reigned over every inch of Neverland, or that the encroaching soul sparked something roguish in him, but he sat down on the rock in a way that exuded an aura of complete and utter supremacy. He knew he’d probably be reprimanded for it, but maybe he wanted to be. Pan and Bae hadn’t set foot near one another for ages and he wasn’t sure what to expect. So he waited, drawing out his flute of which he rarely played and sent an eerie yet beautiful tune, ribboning through the atmosphere.

Bae:

Bae’s in one of his particular moods that makes him incredibly narcissistic, pessimistic, cynical, and generally, just all around pissy. Overheating would be a pinnacle reason for his aggravated attitude. At this point in time he’s been sun burnt and provoked by pestiferous individuals that flooded his true self’s life. He doesn’t exactly enjoy the company of other people, nor does he like being around anyone that knows how to push his buttons without even trying. Seemingly, lately, everyone’s been pushing them to the point where he goes off to get drunk just to forget about everything. Lately he’s also gone back into his “I-frankly-don’t-give-a-fuck” personality that he used to be very good at hiding. However, his sassy, douche-baggery is beginning to win above all the other parts of his convoluted personality.

Thunder clacks above, he can’t figure out why he’s here at all. What’s the point in returning to a place that, basically, only holds bad memories, and memories of who he used to be? A nice person; maybe even a good person. Someone he desperately misses, but seldom does he admit that to any.

Spitefully hearing the haunting tune greet his ears, the younger boy infuriatingly rolls his amber eyes. He approaches the Lagoon that’s not too far from his current location of popping out of the nearby trees. He knows Neverland better than his own house’s layout. Everything here used to be a maze, but Hell, he practically grew up in this land. How could he forget?

“I can’t believe I followed that vile song all those years ago,” he mutters, approaching the clearing in which he sees… him. Reuniting in this particular area is… raw. A river of ice bleeds through each and every one of his veins. He averts his eyes quickly, ignoring the stupid ‘arrogant’ pose that the handsome older boy’s embodying. “I see all the shit you say about me. You really don’t think much of me, do you?” amber orbs snap up to meet emerald adjacent to him. “Not that I’m invading privacy or anything. I couldn’t care what you talk about. But I do see my name quite a bit. Both of you seem to think I’m shit on this Earth. It’s awfully disheartening.”

Pan:

Bae’s full initial response doesn’t frighten Pan, in fact, it brings an impish grin to his lips. He quickly tries to hide it behind his flute. For some peculiar reason the boy saying “I see all the shit you say about me” had touched Pan’s ears in a playful manner as if he was being scolded by an adult for bad behavior. As the dialogue continued though, he realized Bae wasn’t playing games. The smile took a few moments to wilt back into a somber expression.

“Of course I know you can see it,” said Pan, his heart fluttering a little at the sound of his own voice. He’d missed his accent and the authority in it, traits that were both absent in the voice of his true form. “I don’t say anything that I don’t think you’ll read.” And that was the truth. Pan rises to his full height and tucks his flute away. His eyes study the distance between him and Bae and he considers flying over to the boy, but he remains on his perch for the time being. “I don’t think low of you, but I do feel threatened by you,” Pan bravely admits. “And right now I have threats coming at me from all angles so it’s only natural I hiss at whatever touches a nerve.” Pan’s piercing gaze fixes directly on Bae’s pupils. “You say quite a bit you’re not invading privacy, but you always seem to know what’s going on. I don’t care to be honest. Read what you wish.” A small span of silence follows Pan’s words as he tries to sense Bae’s thoughts and emotions. They seem to be feeling and thinking along the same lines. There’s memory in this place. Too many. Tension runs high. Something that Pan is highly susceptible to. For a moment his arrogant stance and demeanor falter and his pupils dilate slightly as emotions start to trickle in. He looks away from the boy, struggling to keep composure.

Bae:

A blazing flame has died within the last couple months that once resided in every single crevice of the younger boy’s amber eyes. “Trust me, if I could be anyone else out here, I would be,” he mumbles. A forced smile curves across youthful teeth, “Threatened,” the boy scoffs, shaking his head in response ever so slightly. “I don’t stand a chance with your pretty boy, nor would I want to. I’m simply here, and Jesus, I wish I wasn’t. And yes,” he shoots back, “I only read shit when my name pops up. I like to see the crap you say about me. Frankly, it’s flattering. You trying to be my friend, and yet we’re here and you’re threatened by me. How quaint.”

Bae doesn’t channel into anyone else’s emotions anymore. There’s simply no point. Not in a selfish way, of course. More in a way of protection. So he doesn’t have to feel anything. The numbness trickles in… “Talk about me all you want. When my curiosity dies, I won’t even bother to check on my name. It’s getting to that point, I just have quite a bit of time on my hands nowadays. I guess that makes me a bit more depressed, too.” The younger boy spreads his slender fingers and runs them delicately through his hair.

Pan:

Pan didn’t really come out here for a hard time, but he anticipated one. Pan’s eyes focus on the ground, going out of focus as Bae speaks, and all the emotions rise up like an iron fist that furiously seizes his heart. What Bae didn’t realize is that whenever Pan speaks about him, it’s out of fear. Fear can twist the thoughts and words of people into ugly things. Of course Pan would never speak to him about how he really felt about Bae… When Pan said threat he also didn’t mean he was concerned about Bae and the boy getting together. “I think you’ll hurt him. That’s what I mean,” says Pan softly. His voice is stripped raw of any emotion, just pure truth. “And I worry you’ll cut the connection on a whim. That’s why I’m threatened.” His eyes slowly ascend and meet Bae’s again. His voice inaudibly trickles out onto the air “I know you don’t like me.” As for being Bae’s friend, Pan has always wanted to be. Even when he feels threatened. He’s still trying to have courage to step out here and reach out to a person he still cares about even when he’s afraid.

Bae:

“You can’t protect him from me,” Bae whispers, shooting his eyes to the nearby trees. “Not that I have any intentions to go after him. He’s everything I wasn’t.” Saliva tastes like pennies, his hands begin to shake so he roughly shoves them into his denim pockets, slouching forward. “I won’t do anything to it. As long as the weather isn’t a cunt, it’ll always be open until one of you tells me otherwise. And that’s the honest to god truth of it.” A blinding fury bites his tongue. If he could’ve kept that truth to himself for all eternity, he would.

“It has nothing to do with you,” Bae shoots his deadly glare in the demon’s direction, plopping onto the sandy shores and resting his elbows upon his perched knees.

Pan:

Pan carefully studies Bae’s face as he speaks, reading the boy’s emotions play out across his features more than listening to what he’s saying. Because that’s what Pan wants. The things that aren’t being said and sometimes can’t be said through spoken word.

News about the connection remaining intact makes Pan feel a slight pang of ease. Almost as if someone has gone and removed a noose around his neck, but he still feels as though he standing on the chopping block. He isn’t sure why. Probably the glared he’d just received from the boy that sliced through him like a scythe. Without even realizing, Pan has risen off the rock into the air and has slowly begun gravitating toward Bae. He quietly sets down in the sand a few feet away. His brow furrows and twitches before he blurts out. “I made you something.”

Bae:

As if being molested by the sight of their bodies only feet away from one another, the younger boy shoots to his feet and stabilizes a distance between them. Mixed frustration rivets through his limbs. “Don’t do things for me, you know how I don’t like that kind of shit. I’d rather you stop thinking about me entirely.” Lie. The brunette twitches narrowing his eyes towards the sand below his toes. He’s been lying a lot, mostly to periodically sort through his emotions. They’re too complex–too buried–he, himself, barely understands them.

Gifts are something he’s always hated. He will give, but he doesn’t like getting. Hadn’t Pan learned anything from when they were together? Or, did he, too, try to eradicate every stolen promise and memory of what they used to be? Bae deliberately bites his lip in mild irritation, keeping his thoughts more focused on the constellations above than the conversation at hand.

Pan:

A word within the the boy’s first sentence throws Pan off guard. He freezes like a deer in headlights for a moment, but quickly tries to shrug off all the thoughts and worries that flood through his mind. He forces his mouth to start replying to pull his mind out of the bottomless pit it just started to fall down. “It’s nothing real,” he says, a small smile plucking at the corner of his mouth. There were, however, so many ways he could humorously make it real.

For some reason, even though Bae clearly doesn’t want to be in close proximity, the fleeing action doesn’t bother Pan. He remains where he stands. Instead he decides to use the space between them as the very place to offer his gift.

Being highly skilled in the ways of magic, Pan doesn’t have to bother with waving his hands around in a dramatic manner to conjure something into existence if he didn’t want to. He could just stand there and it would effortlessly come to life before him. The gift begins to take form. A shapeless, tall shadow at first appears, but then it begins to develop limbs. Human limbs. In a matter of seconds, the spitting image of a person that Pan and Bae both know in their true forms materializes in the flesh before them. It’s a boy. And he’s dressed rather peculiarly compared to Pan and Bae. A wicked grin curls across Pan’s features. “Isn’t he just divine?” Pan saunters over and begins to circle the boy, closely inspecting every inch of his work. The boy confusingly glances around his new environment, but makes no move to flee. Pan’s the puppet master in this case and has full command of the living being. “It’s Ton-Ton,” says Pan. “ I thought you’d want to throw knives at him or something.” With these words, Pan flicks his wrist and a fan of nearly one hundred slender throwing knives appears in his hand, glinting in the light like a row of fangs here.

Bae:

Prickled tears spark in the two amber seeing orbs. “He lied to me,” he whispers, nearly inaudibly. “He has a girlfriend… And she’s beautiful too. He’s better off with her. She’s there, I’m not.” The brunette shrugs, swallowing hard and dropping his gaze to both bodies in front of him.

This was the pure reason of his self destruction as of late. Someone he trusted, someone he thought cared about him, too, betrayed him. They would banter back and forth for hours. Was it all a game to the bastard? That boy never deserved him… But fucking god did he try for him even while he knew he shouldn’t have been.

“He had the last part of me that I kept alive… for him.” Bae keeps his eyes closed for a moment, trying to imagine those silent nights where he’d lay in bed in his true form and stare at those daring blue eyes. It’s nearly a dream. Maybe it was a dream. “Thank you, though,” he mutters courteously.

Pan:

Pan hears something shatter in the distance. Probably his heart. The last thing he wanted to do was make Bae sad. When he sees tears pool up in the boy’s eyes, he instinctively steps forward and reaches out, but reality quickly slaps him in the face and he recoils back into place. The vision of Ton- Ton evaporates as quickly as it had appeared until there wasn’t a speck left of the boy in the atmosphere.

“He’s a dick,” Pan bitterly mutters. It’s all he can really think of to say as comfort. He was well aware of the relationship between the two and how it was. He’d been hearing about it for some time now. Not knowing what else to say, he opts that changing the subject is the best decision for now, but his words carrying him in an unexpected direction. “We should visit Lingerie Peak.” It was quite a crude monument on the face of the island, a place Bae would never want to visit in his life. Pan’s eyes dart to the boy, uncertain if he’d over stepped a boundary by saying such a thing. But for some reason he was craving something light hearted and the peak was directly beside Hangman’s tree, another place he wanted to visit.

Bae:

Bae takes a few steps backward, brushing his index fingers underneath his eyes to wipe them rid of the ridiculous emotion he seldom showed.

“Why should we?” he monotonously questions, feeling the weight of a trillion bricks falling onto his, already, unstable shoulders. More memories is all it’s going to be. Especially since, even before anything happened, he clearly remembers the embarrassment of the bow and the thong that were courtesy of Lingerie Peak. The younger boy bites his tongue drawing a bit of blood into his mouth. It wasn’t quite enough to satisfy the quenching feeling that’s been sitting in his gut since… He lost himself.

Silence turns moderately deadly. He can’t help but harm himself when he thinks about that blue-eyed brat. It’s something that he’s been hiding from everyone. He feels retarded for even going near his own skin again, but at least he feels something. That’s what matters to him.

Pan:

Pan can sense what Bae is thinking when the boy asks why they would ever go to such a petty place. Memories of the two of them hang around Neverland like phantoms. So why revisit ghosts of the past? Pan had an answer to the question, but the more he thought about it, the more he felt like it would backfire. In their true forms, Pan had watched the stages of Bae transform into a stranger and the more they drifted from this place, the worse things seemed to get. He thought that maybe if he returned Bae to their past, and really got him to look at these phantoms in the eye, maybe he wouldn’t see that they were so scary and painful after all. But was that really right for Bae? Pan wasn’t the boy, he didn’t know what was best for him, but he did know he was determined to help. His eyes drifted down to the trillion of sparkling granules of sand beneath his feet. He was getting lost in thoughts of feeling like a fool for his trying to help when he felt something dark trickle into the soul standing beside him. Pan’s eyes shot up at Bae. “What did you do?” he whispered. With his magic, Pan wasn’t able to read minds, but he could read souls and Bae’s soul had just shifted into the shadows. Something painful was lurking there. “Tell me,” Pan’s voice rose with more urgent demand, taking a step forward.

Bae:

Why would he say anything about his personal demons? He’s been hiding them in the depths, keeping them away from even the supposedly “close” friends he has. “Nothing,” he whispers, shaking his head as waves of hair crash upon each layer. It wouldn’t matter even if he said something on the action. Who cares? It’s not like anyone bothers to check up on him.

In his true form, he has a sister. She’s been there through many things; many events, but she’s gone. She barely speaks to him unless he initiates, and even then it’s like talking to a wall. There are times he runs off with friends, but it’s never enough to quench the pain that they don’t see. The pain he makes so incredibly unapparent, no one bothers to ask. Why would they want to even if they knew? He’s better off…alone.“

Just forget it, I’m fine,” he retorts, bringing his eyes up to meet the emeralds that hover inches above his. It wasn’t worth it. It’s not something that needs to be said. What he does in his free time, and to himself, is for him to know, and no one to find out. It still hasn’t fixed the emptiness inside him, though. That’s the worst part. The undeniable loneliness.

Pan:

It was a blatant lie. The magical lie detecting spell that allowed the person to see red on a person’s breath if they were spitting deceit wasn’t even necessary to use on Bae. Pan could see right through him. A second lie greets Pan’s ears and he almost kicks at the sand in frustration. “Why bother lying to me?” Pan asks incredulously. He didn’t understand all of this, but he genuinely wanted to. Why does Bae do this to himself? Why can’t he move on? Why does he feel that he can’t get himself back? “I don’t have the pieces of you,” Pan blurts out without really thinking. “You have them all. You just think they’re gone. Just…” Pan’s words falter and fade. His eyes scan the lagoon and he takes a deep sigh. He looks back over at Bae. “Stop doing that shit to yourself.” He really means it. It’s pissing him off that Bae would go back to that vile habit.

Bae:

“No, you don’t. Because you took his pieces instead. You’re done, you’re happy. Congratu-fucking-lations to you.” amber rolls up in aggravation. Like anything Pan could say would change what he does. It doesn’t matter, they’re nobodies to each other, nowadays. They shouldn’t even bother coming out here in the first place. Bae just doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

“You have the audacity to say that, yet you were everything to me and I was nothing. You fell for that little fuck the second I let you talk to him. It’s your turn; don’t even lie to me. I was a time burner. That’s all I ever was. And to Ton, I was just the same. I can’t fucking believe either of you. Don’t ever, even for a second, think you can tell me what to do. This isn’t what you do. You never even knew how to handle my depression, you just pushed it away. Even when it’s staring you in the face right this second, you fucking push it away, just like every other fuck on this planet!” the brunette’s arms flail out in a wide expanse, he’s nearly out of breath.

Pan:

Pan doesn’t understand how he’s trying to push the boy’s depression away if the whole reason he’s here in the first place is because he wants to understand it. He wants to help. Pan doesn’t know how to feel about Bae saying that all that time neglected Bae’s depression. How could that be when Pan was constantly trying to uplift him? All the time he spent with him, trying to make Bae happy, curling up with him at night in a special way to provide comfort, giving him special gifts, spending all that time and adventures. Did none of his efforts even matter? Because it sounds like they didn’t.

Pan also doesn’t understand how Bae could be a time burner. Maybe in the case of Ton who never committed, who never gave much, but Pan did give. He was there. He listened. He tried. But if that’s how Bae truly felt, wasn’t it up to him to tell Pan? He feels like their whole relationship was a lie because Bae just never spoke up. Bae keeps saying he was so unhappy with Pan, if that’s true, then why even stay? What was the point? Was Pan the time burner? He had all these questions he wished he could just ask without it being a fight. He wished they could just talk about this whole subject without Bae taking a knife to his throat. Very slowly he sits down on the sand at a loss for words. He feels like anything he’d say would just get Bae to hate him more so silence was his default.

Bae:

Bae doesn’t want to talk about the past. Why can’t they just stay in the goddamn present for once? A complete disregard to the questions that flood the demon ensues. He doesn’t give a shit anymore.

“I can’t fucking move on, so fuck you. That’s your fault. You want to be friends and you expect me to just be ‘okay’ knowing I’m not okay and you’ve got some other fucker in your life while I’ve been protecting the both of you from inevitable consequences? Don’t you ever think I’ll get fucking sick of doing it and just turn you in? Trust me, doing it would rid you from my life for 10 years or more. But guess what, regardless of what your muddled. confused mind thinks, I’m a mother fucking good person, Pan. So maybe the jackass that needs to get their own head out of their ass is you! I’m not the one who fucking changed.”

Bitter resentment flows through the lanky limbs of the young teen. He folds his arms across his chest, raising an inquiring eyebrow at the green-eyed demon.

Pan:

The only reason Pan kept returning to the past was because that’s where Bae seemed to be stuck. Pan genuinely wanted to understand why and get to know the boy…but maybe friendship was a bad idea. Maybe he was just making things worse…

Timid spring green eyes slowly ascend and connect with hazel. He may be in a larger form in this realm, but somehow Pan feels incredibly small as he sits there in the sand with Bae towering over him. He still isn’t entirely sure how to approach situations with the boy and his spirit cowers in the far corners of his heart. It’s evident in his eyes that gradually dilate out of fear.

Pan’s afraid to say anything. Despite what Bae thinks, Pan wouldn’t agree to the current connection arrangement if he didn’t truly believe Bae was a good person. He even remembered standing outside his home in their true forms one night and telling Bae that he trusted him entirely. Bae was the one who said he’d hurt him in the end…

“Would you rather I just leave you alone?” his inaudibly whispers, his voice scared away. The whole reason he wants to get close to Bae is because he knows that the boy is a good person, regardless of whatever prickly things crawl out of his mouth. Yes, he was scared, but anyone in his position probably would be. He knows Bae isn’t exactly fond of him, but the boy sends out so many mixed signals it’s incredibly hard for him to follow. Does he want Pan around? Or does he not? sometimes they could get a long completely fine, other times it seems like Bae wants to mutilate him with a rusty knife. Pan was just…lost.

Bae:

“What do you really, honestly think of me?” Bae questions, disregarding the inquiry presented to him. In utter honesty, he, himself, feels like he shouldn’t be talking to Pan. He’s ‘vile’, a ‘bad person’, and the demon thinks at any moment he’s out to attack his little plaything. But who can blame him? That little plaything took away everything Bae invested his life in. Admittedly, he made the poor decision to throw everything away for one person and expect Pan to do the same; it didn’t exactly work out that way.

The adolescent takes a deep breath, practically appalled that the demon’s cowering in front of him. This guy used to be so strong and frightening. Bae used to despise him. And now he’s cowering in front of him? He doesn’t even have any power. “Tell me, I’d like to know.”

Pan:

Pan makes sure to look directly into Bae’s eyes as he speaks. If the boy wants the truth, then Pan will give it. There’s a slight pause in which he’s just staring into Bae’s eyes, gathering his thoughts, and then he speaks. “I still believe that the person I was with is who you truly are. Even if you think that’s foolish. You hide that person now to protect yourself. I feel like I can truly trust you even though you’re really mean and say scary stuff. I have respect for you, but sometimes your actions don’t make sense.” If Pan waited until more of his thoughts developed, he could probably continue. But for now he felt that minimal dialogue would keep Bae from being angry with him so he kept his answer sparse.

Bae:

Bae stares unblinkingly at the demon. “That answer was god awful and atrocious,” he grumbles, shaking his head disapprovingly. “You talk shit about me to your brat. But why? Sure, I can hurt him, but he can’t be constantly protected by you and his psycho mother.” The younger boy turns towards the water, nearing it, and dipping his toes in.

“You’re gone just as much as I am. And you want to know why? Because the person closest to you is gone. And maybe you feel inferior? I don’t know. But you’re a bit dead too. It’s not just me. There’s a part of all of us that dies when we lose someone. Maybe I just lost my ability to be idealistic. And you lost things too, but I’m sure you’re more aware of that than I am.”

Pan:

Pan anticipated his answer would get ripped to shreds. It usually did. “I know he can’t be protected, but I still try. I don’t talk shit about you. I know you don’t like him, so I try to keep him away, to protect him and so he won’t bother you. I also feel like if he pushes it with you, he’ll get our connection cut by being an idiot, so that’s another reason. I know you don’t like me either so I always think you’re gonna be mad if I do anything or say anything so i try to keep my relationship separate. That’s all. There’s also very many different versions of you and you send out so many mixed signals, not only to me, but in your daily life so it makes me paranoid. Because you’ll say one thing and then do the other and I just get confused. Anything i say to him in there, I’d say to your face. I know you’re reading it.”

Pan studies Bae’s face a little as he speaks his next part. He doesn’t really have any comment. He knows he’s lost part of himself. He wasn’t trying to accuse Bae of being gone either. He wasn’t really trying to do anything. Maybe he should just stop speaking. The boy didn’t seem to want anything to do with him and thought that anything out of his mouth was garbage.

Bae:

Typical Pan to think that he’s the root of the problem and blame himself. This doesn’t come as a surprise to the younger boy, during their short relationship, a lot of the time, Pan was ratting on himself for being ‘not good enough’ and never able to say the right words. Bae has nothing else to say on the matter and leaves it as it is, to deflect further problematic issues.

“What I don’t understand is, why don’t you two just… Not talk about me at all? Is that so hard? Neither of you are very fond of me anyway.” The question resides on the thick, humid air of Neverland, waiting for any sort of snide, cruel, or otherwise ridiculous reply. “And if you feel so strongly that your words are powerless with me and I, apparently, think they’re trash, why bother with me in the first place? Honestly, what is the perk of being friends with me?”

Pan:

In an instant, something within Pan’s mind shifts, bringing with it a swift dawn of agonizing understanding and realization. He jumps to his feet and a cascade of tears bursts from his eyes, contorting his features into a tortured display of anguish. “I’m fucking wrong!” he chokes out, taking steps back away from Bae, heavy sobs rattling his body. “I see now,” he mutters, trembling from head to toe. “I see…..” His eyes widen in shock as if someone’s just come along and stabbed him in the back with a dagger, digging the blade all the way through his flesh until it slices through his heart. Tears uncontrollably stream down his cheeks and he incredulously shakes his head back and forth at Bae, but in actuality he’s shaking his head in disbelief at himself. He blinks fiercely at the burning tears and then brushes at his own arms, almost as if he’s frightened by a deadly insect crawling there, but the only thing he’s frightened of is himself. He continues to slowly back away, uncertainly glancing at his surroundings as if the whole environment had just turned upside-down. As if the whole island he’d called home for so long was no longer recognizable, just a foreign land who’s ruler was also a stranger. Unimaginable loathing for himself started to pour into him like acid. How could he not have seen before? How could he not understand? He supposed it was out of his own selfishness. Not everything in his and Bae’s past was his fault. They were equally to blame, but now he was finally able to understand the pain that Bae felt… The pain of giving your entire heart and soul and feeling like it wasn’t enough. The pain of being so incredibly in love with someone and them slowly fading from you and not showing interest anymore like they used to. The pain of trying to be everything they wanted and it was just never enough! Had he really done that to Bae? If he did, he never would wish this pain on someone in a million years. It was never his intention to do so. And here he was trying to drag Bae back into his life, forcing him to be a friend while he loves another. How vile could Pan get? He swiftly brushed at his arms again and wildly grabbed at his clothing, wanting to rip his soul out of his body and flee from himself. “Just stay away,” Pan cried, continuing to back away. “Don’t let me hurt you anymore.” His back eventually hits a tree, startling him, but he remains against it for support now. “How could I have been so blind….” he whispers, but his voice never reaches his lips. He’s unblinkingly staring at Bae, his eyes studying the boy through walls of tears. He feels as though something within himself is shrinking. Once again something is shrinking….he slowly closes his eyes, causing the built up tears to pour out across his face. The weight of the devastation he’s caused slowly brings him down to his knees. And then his hands. What was he doing….? Who was he…? He rakes his fingers through the sand, clenching fistfuls of it and using all his strength to squeeze the granules. And then…as his eyes slowly open, he releases the sand and watches each grain pour out of his fingers, getting lost with the vast expanse of the shoreline. His eyes focus on each grain and it’s as if they tumble from his fingertips in slow motion. He was realizing the truth of his own, current relationship and the execution of Bae in the last one. There the grains went. tumbling down. There Pan’s sanity went. Tumbling down. He’d chosen to ignore so much. And it had all started with his father. He began choosing to ignore pain of himself and others and just tried to get by when his father became ill. He couldn’t handle something so unfathomable and an impenetrable wall rose up around his heart. He refused to believe reality. He refused to face it. To see the truth…..

Bae:

Bae lets out a timid breath, not entirely sure why it took nearly 9 months for Pan to open his eyes. Instead of letting the demon flee, he quickly jogs over, and hoists the older boy into his arms. In this world, to others it would look God awkward. Bae, being much smaller than Pan, lifts him up into his arms and holds him with an untiring amount of platonic love and friendship that he can muster in this moment alone. The younger boy presses gentle fingers at the tears streaming down the sandy-haired boy’s face.

“You need to work on yourself before you become a shell like I did. You get so lost in helping other people and solving their problems, you forget your own. I did that with you, pushing my depression away so you had a better me as much as I could give. But instead of helping myself, I was just making my mental illness much, much worse.”

A soft breeze from the ocean tides ripples through each of the boy’s hair. Had this been their true forms, Bae might’ve ran. Any bit of physical contact makes him gag and feel repulsed, as if he hasn’t taken a shower in decades. He hates the feeling of uncleanliness.

“I don’t know what happened with you and him, but I’m here. Regardless of you pushing me away. Sure, yeah, I run for the hills at any chance I can get, but do you see why? I can’t even think about what goes on between the two of you, yet I have full access to it all, so it’s only understandable that I become curious. I wish I knew how to help. The best advice I can give is to help yourself instead of someone else for a while. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. It’s a process, but some days I can actually breathe. Other than that, I don’t really cope.”

The brunette dips his fingers into velveteen, speckled stands, weaving them to the end, and repeating for many minutes. He lets them sit in silence, because he, too, knows that the power of silence is stronger than any words, even those unspoken.

Pan:

The next thing Pan sees is the world tilting. Something strong and familiar has taken hold of his body and his feet are leaving the ground. How could someone be strong enough to carry him with such a weight in his heart? Pan assumes it’s Bae because his eyes are so full of tears that he can see nothing but wobbly shapes and colors. Even as he feels fingers try to wipe them away, they never stop.

Pan tries to listen carefully through his sobs at what Bae’s saying. He wants to cling to him, but he’s afraid to. He doesn’t want to cause anymore damage than he’s already done. He doesn’t deserve to be around the boy or lean on him for support so he curls up small, holding himself. Pan didn’t know the first thing about helping himself. How could he? What could be done? Bae says he doesn’t really cope or hasn’t been healed either. So what can Pan do? “I’m sorry” his trembling lips mutter without a sound. But no apology could ever reverse what’s been done. Pan closes his eyes at Bae’s touch, too weak and full of self loathing to resist the comfort. Now he knew…and could feel every bit of Bae’s pain more today than last evening. The worst thing that could have happened…happened.

Pan’s uncertain if he should even talk to Bae anymore. The last thing he wants to do is hurt him. But he’s practically alone now. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever trust his other lover again. The unforgivable line had finally been crossed. Even if he remains with him, he wasn’t sure if it would ever be the same. He feels trapped. No one to go to. He doesn’t really speak to others except Bae and the other boy. But he supposed that’s just how it would be from now on and he guesses he deserves it.

Bae:

Bae’s hella confused. What the hell is even going on? In his true form, he’s out with friends, minding his own business and trying to escape shit that he doesn’t want to think about: namely, the past.“Would you just tell me shit?” he questions, utterly confused.

End.

To Never Be Continued...

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