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Paper Sky 4 Chapter 11-23

Chapter 11: To Be My Parent’s Killer

Jamie

ED didn’t ask anything. He just let me cry in his arms as long as I wanted to. I know I should be careful around him but I honestly felt safe when he’s around. He’s one of the best people in the world that I luckily met. He’s always there when I needed someone, anyone, to make me feel I was not alone. His presence made me feel like everything’s going to be fine. Everything. And I just have to hold on to a better tomorrow no matter how impossible it sounded.

Nagpunta kami sa isang café pagkatapos kong umiyak. I found myself smiling as I looked at its interior while smelling the aroma of roasted coffee beans. The coffee shop was filled with cat-themed things like paintings, figurines, mugs, and plates. Mangilan-ngilan pa lang ang mga customer sa loob ngunit kitang-kita ko sa kanilang mga mata ang kasiyahan. I breathed and closed my eyes and their small chitchats and laughters clouded my thoughts. I don’t know but somehow, I felt warm inside. Maybe it was because of its ambiance. Or the people inside. I beamed as I opened my eyes and stared at Ed who was smiling back at me.

“Like the place?” he asked and I nodded.

May lumapit sa ‘ming babae a few seconds later. She’s taller than me pero hanggang leeg lang siya ni Ed. Agad akong nakaramdam ng inggit kasi ang ganda niya at kinis ng balat niya. Mukha ring kasing edad lang namin siya ni Ed. Sinamahan niya kami sa isang bakanteng table malapit sa dulo ng café. Naupo ako sa sofa at hinayaan kong si Ed ang umorder. Pag-alis ng waitress ay kinamusta ni Ed ang pakiramdam ko at sinabi kong medyo okay na ako. Instantly, relief reflected from his features.

Pagkalipas ng ilang sandali ay pinagitnaan kami ng katahimikan. It was the kind of silence which would not make you grasp for words but could make you feel at ease. Nang makabalik na ang waitress ay dala niya na ang inorder ni Ed para sa ‘ming dalawa. She smiled at us before she carefully put down the cups of hot coffee and two slices of chocolate cake. Pagkatapos noon ay magalang na siyang umalis.

“Masarap ang kape nila rito,” he said as he took his cup and smelled it before he drank. Uminom din ako ng sa akin at sa unang higop ko pa lang ay na-realize ko nang tama siya.

Nakalahati ko na ang cake ko nang bigla akong magsalita. I felt the need to say something. Alam ko na hindi niya ako pinipilit sabihin ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko pero gusto kong malaman niya na mula sa akin ang tungkol sa picture bago pa ipadala iyon sa kanya ni Kuya Seb o ni Elizabeth. I know I would eventually lose him, like I lost Carl, but before that would happen, I wanted to take this chance to explain myself. I don’t want Ed to feel as if I betrayed him. Because I didn’t. God knew I didn’t. And I was not sure but somehow I know that Ed wouldn’t judge me so easily. He would try to understand me as much as he could.

As I begin to tell him what happened, from Elizabeth’s accusation, picture of Erika’s body drenched with blood, up to Kuya Seb’s deception which made Carl thought I betrayed his trust, I realized I was not really explaining myself to Ed. I was not trying to make him understand me. No, I wasn’t. I was trying to explain to myself what I did and its corresponding consequences. I was trying to understand that I couldn’t expect anyone to understand me when I wasn’t quite sure I understand myself or what I did wrong.

And maybe I just need someone to listen to me. Hindi na mahalaga kung magbago man ang pananaw niya tungkol sa ‘kin. Hindi na mahalaga kung maintindihan niya ako. What matters most is that he was there and he has given me the chance to talk and to be heard.

When I was done, I lifted up my face and saw that surprise and concern were all over his face. “Seriously?” he said softy and pain reflected in his tone as he looked at his empty cup. “Hindi ako makapaniwala. I don’t think you could—” his voice caught in his throat and it took him a few seconds to force the words out of his mouth. “Jamie, parang imposible naman na magawa mo ‘yon.” He lifted his face to look at me; his eyes were filled with sadness.

“I—I’m sorry…” I looked down, my voice sounded broken. “Ayos lang kung—”

“Kung ano, Jamie?” he interrupted. “Kung magbago ang tingin ko sa ‘yo at iwan kita? No, I won’t do that. I wouldn’t leave your side, Jamie. I know you and you’re not that kind of person. Or maybe you were, before I met you, but I don’t care. I don’t give a damn if you’re guilty or not. You’re someone important to me and that alone was enough for me to stay.”

I bit my lip and felt like every single bit of emotion restrained inside me just poured out in the form of tears. I covered my face with both of my hands and weakly mumbled, “Thanks.”

Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear the most at a time like this even if I didn’t ask you to say anything; even if it was nearly impossible for you to still stand by me after knowing the big possibility that I killed someone. Thank you for believing me and staying by my side.

“Com’on, Jamie. Stop crying. Baka isipin ng mga ibang customers, pinapaiyak kita,” he said kindly as he managed to remove my hands from my face and wipe my tears with his hanky. “Have you already mentioned this to Ice…?” maingat niyang sabi at umiling ako.

“I don’t want him to hate me,” I said as my tears continuously messed up my face.

He nodded his head and gave me an understanding look. “Sa tingin ko nga, mas makabubuti kung hindi mo sasabihin sa kanya ang tungkol rito. It would surely affect him and his mental health. Saka wag mo nang asahan ang tulong ng Sebastian na ‘yon dahil niloko ka na niya at maaari niyang ulitin ulit ‘yon kapag nagpatuloy ka pa sa paniniwala sa kanya.”

I gave him a light nod and bit my lip as I looked down.

“I guess the best thing you should do is talk to Elizabeth about it,” he said in a calm voice. “Maybe if she explains to you everything that she knows about her sister’s death and presents you all the evidences she has, then you’d soon regain your memory. And if it really turns out that you killed her, I don’t think you have no other choice but to turn yourself in. But before that, apologize to Elizabeth properly and ask her if she could do anything to make this issue maintain its confidentiality.”

I nodded slowly, my lips pressed into a tight line. “I guess you’re right. Wala naman nang ibang mahalaga sa ‘kin kundi ang maprotektahan ko kayong mga kaibigan ko at saka ang pamilya Perez laban sa mapanghusgang mata ng publiko.” I breathed a deep sigh and tried my best to smile.

“I know that it’s going to be hard on your part but I couldn’t think of anything else that would make—”

Umiling ako. “No. It’s okay, Ed. Don’t worry about me.”

Ed reached out for my hand which was resting on the table and squeezed it. “I’m sorry if I can’t do anything to save you from this,” he said and his voice broke, like he was going to cry. “Kapag kasi humanap tayo ng lawyer, imposibleng hindi maging—”

“I know,” I said as I shook my head, tears stinging from my eyes. “That’s why I’m going to follow what you’ve told me earlier.”

“WHY did you have to send that picture to Carl?” tanong ko kay Kuya Seb nang makabalik ako sa mansyon. Kasalukuyan kaming nasa loob ng isang office-like room na mukhang matagal nang hindi ginagamit. “Gagawin ko naman talaga ‘yong sinabi mo eh, pero nangialam k—”

“Well, I just saved you from the trouble of explaining yourself to him. Aren’t you going to thank me for doing that for you?” he said in a very conversational way, a wicked smile playing on his lips.

I glared daggers at him as I argued, “But you told me you’d—”

“I have every reason not to keep my promise to you.”

Nahinto ako sa pagsasalita nang may kunin siya mula sa drawer sa ibabang bahagi ng office table at halos ibato niya sa ‘kin ang mga iyon. I lowered my gaze to the things he threw out to the floor and I saw four stapled documents separated by folders. I furrowed my brows in confusion and bent to get all of them.

“Ano ang mga ‘to?” I asked him and he just shrugged before he turned his back on me and faced the window.

“Why don’t you check it out for yourself?”

My lips twisted downwards in a scowl before I averted my eyes to the folders and opened one of them. Nagulat ako nang makita ko ang picture ko at buong pangalan ko sa kauna-unahang pahina palang ng binuklat kong document.

“T-tungkol ‘to sa ‘kin?” I asked and hesitation and growing fear were reflected in my voice. Sa pagbukas ko ng susunod na page ay biglang nagsalita si Kuya Seb.

“Jamie Ramos, the only daughter of Jenny, a housewife, and Jay Ramos, a real estate agent.” He slowly turned his head to glance my way, his eyes were narrowed menacingly. “At the age of nine, she found out her mom was having an affair with a rich businessman behind her dad’s back. That’s why she killed her, in guise of suicide.”

My eyes widened in fright as I met his eyes. He knew it. I shook my head repeatedly while holding my head with both of my hands. “H-hindi. Hindi totoo ‘yan,” I said over and over again as I felt my head being crushed by an unknown force. Unti-unti akong nakarinig ng mga tawanang ako lang ang tanging nakakarinig at lalong tumitindi ang sakit ng ulo ko. “Hindi totoo ‘yan!”

“Nawala sa sariling katinuan ang nanay mo matapos siyang iwan ng karelasyon niya. You thought she deserves her suffering because she betrayed your dad but no, your deep-seated hate for her has already started even before the affair happened. Based on what I’ve found out from my own investigation, simula nang magkaisip ka ay minamaltrato ka na ng sarili mong nanay dahil ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit siya natali sa isang lalaking hindi niya naman pinangarap makasama habang buhay. She loathed your existence to the extent that she had attempted to kill you several times without the knowledge of her husband.”

I screamed in pain and pleaded, “Tama na! Tama na!” as I began to picture every word he said in my head and they all frightened me. I grasped for air as if I couldn’t breathe and my eyes were looking everywhere and nowhere.

“When she cutted her wrist, she was at home and you’re in school. Nang sabihan ka ng teacher mo na tungkol rito, nagpanggap kang nagmadali sa pag-uwi ngunit imbis na dumiretso ka sa bahay n’yo ay pumunta ka sa kumpanya kung saan nagtatrabaho ang tatay mo kahit pa aabutin ka ng lagpas isang oras makarating lang doon. At first I found it strange, but then, eventually, I realized the reason why you acted that way. Inakala mo na no’ng panahon na ‘yon ay mamamatay na ang mom mo so you prioritized seeing your dad because you thought your dad would need you, but you’re not.

“Nagtanung-tanong ako sa mga katrabaho noon ng dad mo and they told me his world only revolved around his wife. Kaya no’ng mga panahon na naospital ang mom mo, halos hindi na umalis sa tabi nito ang tatay mo. As a result, lalong lumalim ang galit mo sa nanay mo at sa tingin mo, hangga’t hindi siya namamatay, hindi ka magiging masaya. And when there was an emergency meeting in your dad’s company na kailangan talagang puntahan ng tatay mo ay isinagawa mo na ang plano mo.

“The nurse in charge of your mom told me she was present inside the room nang sabihin mo sa nanay mo na makakalanghap siya ng sariwang hangin at magiging maganda ang pakiramdam niya kapag pumunta siya sa rooftop ng ospital. The nurse even agreed to your suggestion kaya sinamahan niya kayo doon. Wala sana siyang balak na iwan kayong dalawa sa rooftop but you insisted that you can take care of your mom, that’s why she left, little did she know that you are planning to kill her that time.”

Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit habang pilit iniinda ang sakit ng aking ulo. “No! I… I didn’t kill her!” I shouted. “H-hindi ko ‘yon magagawa!”

“The death of your mom was considered by the police as suicide because the nurse in-charge of Jenny didn’t confess what she knew to protect you. She told me that she had seen your bruises and burn marks on your arms and legs but everytime she would ask you who did those to you, you’d simply shake your head and say nothing.”

Nagsimula akong maluha habang patuloy na nakahawak sa ulo kong hindi na ata titigil sa pagsakit.

“And viola, nakatakas ka sa kauna-unahang krimen na ginawa mo no’ng nine years old ka nang walang kahirap-hirap.”

“Hindi… hindi ‘yan—” I faltered from my words as Kuya Seb’s words sank in, my denials gradually lost their strength. “—t-totoo…”

“When your mom died, everything changed. Pinilit mo ang sarili mong maging maganda, sikat, matalino at hinahangaan ng lahat. In short, perpekto. You created a lie about yourself living the life your late mom ‘wished’ for you to have, and that’s to be a perfect woman. Pero ang totoo, gusto mo lang na matutunan kang mahalin ng tatay mo na napariwara na ang buhay nang mamatay ang nanay mo. ‘Yong ipon niya para sa pangkolehiyo mo ay ginasta niya sa pag-inom at pagbili ng kung anu-anong masasarap na pagkain. Years later, his weight doubled and he stopped working. May mga nakapagsabi sa ‘kin na nawala din daw siya sa katinuan dahil hindi niya pa rin matanggap ang pagkawala ng asawa niya. Nalaman ko rin na sinasaktan ka niya gaya ng pananakit sa ‘yo ng mom mo… o higit pa.”

The visions I had before about my dad flashed in my head and it brought a different wave of pain in my system—like someone was ripping my heart right out of my chest and it bled nonstop, just like my tears.

“Few days after your highschool graduation, your dad died. I found it suspicious so I’ve gathered infos about his death at napag-alaman ko na namatay siya dahil sa heart attack. That time, no one suspected his cause of death because they’re aware of his vices. Another thing, based on his medical record, he had been suffering from highblood pressure at meron nang mga ilang nagbabara sa daluyan ng dugo sa kanyang katawan dahil sa pagkain niya ng mga matatabang pagkain. But I don’t think he died of natural causes. If you have been reading a lot of books ever since you’re a kid, I believe you would know that a person can possibly die of heart attack triggered by terror. It can be caused by verbal assault, threats of physical harm or anything that could affect the victim’s mental state.

“And you know what’s interesting? Someone told me that the day your dad died, your left wrist were covered with gauze pero pinagsawalang bahala niya lang iyon, thinking it was unrelated with the case but no, it was not. Actually it was the very reason why I’ve realized you were also the one behind your dad’s death.”

“There’s no way I could kill my dad! H-hindi sapat ‘yong mga pananakit niya para pagbintangan mo ‘ko nang ganyan! You could accuse me of killing my mom, I don’t care! Pero kung pati ‘yung dad ko idadamay mo s—”

“You killed him because you love him,” sabi niya at natigilan ako.

A vision suddenly infiltrated my head.

“Dad, bakit hindi mo ko kayang mahalin?” I asked, my voice was shaking; my vision was bleared with tears. I was holding a cutter in my right hand at nakatutok iyon sa left wrist ko. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ni dad sa takot at tila nahihirapan siyang huminga. “Bakit kahit matagal nang wala si mom, siya pa rin ang hinahanap mo? Siya pa rin ang bukambibig mo. Dad, hindi mo ba ‘ko nakikita? Kung sino pa ‘yong wala, siya pa ‘yong nakikita mo. Tayo na nga lang dalawa eh, tapos… tapos kung balewalain mo ‘ko parang hindi mo ‘ko anak!”

“Bitawan mo ‘yan, Jamie!” dad shouted but I just gave her a weak smile.

“You have a special affection for your dad,” paliwanag ni Kuya Seb, “that’s why when I drove you home that day when Young Lady interviewed you, naiyak ka nang makakita ka ng mag-ama sa daan. At kaya pinapahalagahan mo ang family picture na nasa ‘yo ay dahil sa dad mo. Binura mo ng pentelpen ang mukha ng mom mo dahil ayaw mong maalala ang lahat ng masasakit na sinapit mo sa piling niya, nila, all you wanted to remember is your dad and his kindness—which were really just a figment of your imagination. In reality, your dad never loved you. He never treated you like his daughter at all.”

“Hindi! Hindi ‘yan totoo!” tanggi ko.

“Ang tagal kong nagtiis, ang tagal kong naghirap, ang tagal kong umasa na balang araw ituturing mo ko bilang isang mahalagang parte ng buhay mo,” my younger self said as her grip on the cutter tightened. “Lahat-lahat ginawa ko para maging kagaya ni mom pero parang wala lang sa ‘yo ang lahat ng pagsusumikap ko. Aanhin ko ‘yong sandamukal na medal na natanggap ko no’ng graduation kung wala ka naman doon para sabitan ako? Siguro mapapansin mo lang ako kapag napahamak na ‘ko ‘no? Siguro… matutunan mo rin akong pahalagahan kapag nawala na ‘ko sa mundo. Siguro hahanap-hanapin mo lang ang presensiya ko kapag nabubulok na ang katawan ko sa lupa.”

“Jamie sinabi nang—” Napalunod si dad habang naghahabol ng hininga. Madiin ang pagkakahawak ng kanang kamay niya sa kanyang kaliwang dibdib.

Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha at huminga ako nang malalim. Tapos lumapit ako sa kanya at lumuhod sa harapan niya para makita niya ang cutter na unti-unting dumidikit sa balat ko.

“Dad, naalala mo pa ba? Ginawa din ‘to ni mom noon.”

My blood started to slowly drip on the floor and I watched dad struggled to breathe, as if all air escaped from his lungs; his eyes were on my wrist and I could say they were filled with fear.

“Tama na! Tama na!” he shouted in pain. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang nagpapatuloy ako sa paglaslas sa pulsuhan ko. My face was detached of all emotion, but my eyes were glazed with triumph. When he lost consciousness, which would mean there’s a big chance he had lost his life as well, my world stopped and I couldn’t literally feel anything.

Binitawan ko sa sahig ang cutter na hawak ko at saka ako napatingin sa duguan kong kaliwang pulsuhan. Saka lang nagbalik sa ‘kin ang matinding sakit. I immediately stood up and went to the cabinet at the kitchen to get the first aid kit, abandoning the man who was unconsciously lying on the floor.

“But in spite of that, he didn’t hate your existence because you are the only reason why he could marry the one he loves the most. As long as you are there, he could pretend that his wife loved him. You were used by your dad. You’re useful to him. He needed you to trap your mom into her marital obligations with him. That’s why even though he wouldn’t love you, you loved him anyway. Because he was the only person who made you felt that your existence was not a mistake. And that love made you kill him.”

I fell on my knees, my shoulders sagged, and my face was wet with tears. The vision stopped and I was left with nothing but this painful realization.

“I thoroughly investigated your past a few days after you were properly introduced to Young Master, not just because you refuse to tell me anything but also because I hate people who lies to others just as much as she lies to herself. You’ve been feeling like I was against everything that you’re doing and that I was acting antagonistic towards you but that’s just because I doubt you don’t have any idea about what you’ve done in the past. Though those shocking memories could be locked away from the deepest and farthest corner of your mind, they wouldn’t forever be kept there. Sooner or later, your brain would give you hints about the things you don’t want to remember.

“Another thing, I should know everything about you so I could have an idea on how to properly deal with someone like you. Though there’s no conclusive evidence that would make you the criminal, because those testimonies I’ve mentioned just supported my deduction and that alone wouldn’t guarantee you to be guilty, lalo na’t walang nakakita sa ‘yo na ginawa mo nga ang mga ‘yon, I still needed to consider you as a dangerous individual and I have a duty to protect everyone from the Perez family. And that’s also the reason why I have to stop you and Carl from meddling with my responsibility. I hope you could now understand my position here, Jamie.”

I sighed and bit my lip; the tears on my cheeks were beginning to dry on their own. “So… I really killed Erika?” wala sa loob na tanong ko.

“Probably. Merong hawak na ebidensiya si Elizabeth eh,” Kuya Seb said with a shrug. “But seriously, it doesn’t matter anymore,” he added, confidence was evident in his voice and I noticed his eyes darkened, his lips curled up into a smirk. “’Cause I already have a plan that would make her regret everything she did to you.”

KUYA Seb’s words sounded promising but no, I must not depend on him. I must not run away. That’s why I called Elizabeth that night and we talked about where we would meet on Saturday. She suggested that we should go to her house at pumayag naman ako. I still have questions about that house after all. After the call ended, I sighed, thinking that I have to spend my remaining three days by being mentally prepared from whatever I would found out.

Tumawag sa ‘kin si Ed no’ng Friday nang umaga. He asked if I’m okay and I told him that he should not worry about me anymore. Unlike the last time we met, okay na ako. Or at least, that’s what I want to believe. Mahirap tanggapin ang lahat. Oo, mahirap. Masyadong mabilis pa rin sa ‘kin ang nangyari kahit pa sabihing marami na akong napagdaanang pagsubok sa buhay. Pero kailangan, dahil iyon ang tama.

Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na nakausap ko na si Elizabeth at magkikita kami bukas. And I was hoping she would agree with my request to keep things as confidential as possible.

“She would, Jamie,” Ed said in a reassuring voice. “Hindi naman siguro siya gano’n kasama para ipagkait sa ‘yo 'yon.”

“Sana nga, Ed. Thanks ulit, ha?” I mumbled.

“Wala ‘yon. You know I’m always here for you. I’m just one phone call away.”

SATURDAY morning came and I told Ms. Sherry that I would be seeing my friends. Pinayagan niya naman agad ako, ang hindi niya alam, baka 'yon na ang huli naming pagkikita. Nag-iwan na ako ng resignation letter sa ibabaw ng kama ko katabi ng susi ng aking kwarto. Kung magiging maayos ang lahat mamaya, sa bilangguan na ako matutulog mamayang gabi.

I sighed and pouted, trying to imagine what should I do to sleep in peace in that kind of place.

Bago ako umalis ay nasalubong ko sa hallway si Kuya Seb. Our eyes met and I felt the need to explain why I was going out with my friends so I said in a low voice, “I—I just wanted to make sure that Elizabeth didn’t send them the picture.” He just nodded his head nonchalantly and continued to walk passed me.

“I HAVE this thought that my dad was having an affair with someone from the Philippines,” Elizabeth started to say while she was sitting on the sofa opposite me. Nasa sala kami ng bahay na hanggang ngayon ay pinaniniwalaan ko pa ring sa akin, kahit na sinabi na niyang pag-aari nila ito. “Buwan-buwan kasi siya kung magpadala ng pera dito pero wala siyang nababanggit sa ‘min kung sino ‘yon. We don’t have any relatives left in here kasi lahat sila, kung hindi sa New York nakatira ay sa iba pa naming karatig na state. Then one time, ako ‘yong nakatanggap ng ibinalik na perang pinadala ng dad ko and I found out that it was addressed to someone named Erika Estacio. Kinabahan ako kasi kaapelyido namin kaya pinaimbestigahan ko ang tungkol sa kanya and I found out that she was an orphan in the Philippines who were secretly adopted by my dad. Sinusuportahan ng dad ko ang pag-aaral niya pati na rin ang lahat ng kailangan niya para mabuhay nang disente without her knowing that it was not because she was a scholar of my dad’s foundation but because dad adopted her and already treated her like his own daughter. Unfortunately, due to some reasons, my dad didn’t inform Erika about it. Though I think, she has already an idea about the adoption. Anyway, after kong malaman ang lahat ng iyon, I confronted my dad at sinabi niya na totoo nga ang lahat ng iyon. Being an only daughter, of course, I was excited to see my half sister, kaya agad akong umuwi ng Pinas just to find out that she was missing.”

A flicker of surprise flashed across my face. “M-missing?” I asked and she shot me a glare.

“Don’t play dumb! Base sa mga napagtanungan ko, ikaw ang huling taong nakausap niya bago siya mawala!” Kinuyom niya ang kanyang mga palad at nanginginig ang mga kalamnan niya sa galit. “Bakit hindi mo pa kasi aminin na pinatay mo siya at tinago mo ang bangkay niya kung saan, ha?!” she shouted as her voice broke. Tears, then, gently flowed from her eyes. She bitterly pursed her lips and turned away to look at her fist. “Wala man lang ni isa sa mga kakilala niya sa foundation ang nagreport ng pagkawala niya,” may paghihinagpis niyang pagpapatuloy. “Kesyo akala nila na nagbakasyon lang siya o kaya ay nangibang bansa dahil pangarap niya raw makapunta ng New York para makilala ang may-ari ng foundation na sumusuporta sa kanya. Wala naman daw sa ugali niyaang nagpapaalam sa kahit sino kapag umaalis-alis siya dahil palagi din naman siyang bumabalik. Minsan saglit lang, minsan matagal… hanggang sa hindi na.”

“I—I’m sorry,” I said, struggling to find the right words to say to her. I felt her pain and my heart constricted painfully inside my chest knowing that I couldn’t remember what happened. All I knew was that, I left her here, in this house, after I shouted upon seeing the blood on my hands. “H-hindi ko kas—”

Nahinto ako nang may kunin siya sa bag niya at inilapag niya ito sa lamesa. Isang may kalumaang piraso ng papel. Medyo lukot-lukot na ito at madungis. Kinuha ko iyon at kinabahan ako nang makita kong nakasulat ang pangalan ko roon.

Though this was not included in one of my vision, I think wrote this after I left her. Gumagalaw pa naman siya no’ng— I stopped and berated myself for thinking that way. I must really be the criminal for having this kind of thoughts.

“When I first went to this house,” she said as she wiped her tears away, “ang una kong napansin ay ang mga tuyong dugo sa sahig ng sala. Nang libutin ko ang kada sulok ng bahay, ‘yan ang nakita ko saka ito.” Naglabas siya ng isang kinakalawang at lumang cutter na may bahid ng tuyong dugo. My eyes grew wide as I recognized it from one of my visions and a look of fear dawned on my face as I caught Elizabeth staring at me. I immediately looked away. But she didn’t say anything about it. Sa halip ay nilapag niya ang cutter sa mesa sa pagitan naming dalawa. Napansin ko na nakalagay ‘yon sa isang Ziploc at naka-seal ito nang maayos. “Pina-lab test ko ‘yang papel saka ‘yong mga tuyong dugo sa sahig at nakumpirma kong sa kanya nga ang mga iyon. Dugo niya ang pinangsulat niya sa papel ng pangalan mo. At hindi lang ‘yon, natagpuan din ang fingerprints niya d’yan,” paliwanag niya sabay turo sa papel na hawak ko. “On the other hand, this cutter, which was most likely to be the murder weapon, has your fingerprints on it. And it seemed to me that you’re not surprised to know about the murder weapon. Have you seen this before?” Her lips curled into a sardonic smirk.

Tinuon ko ang atensyon ko sa mga nakalatag na ebidensiya sa harap ko imbis na magsalita.

“Your silence and apologetic looked intrigued me. It’s as if you’re no longer the person I talked with the last time I were outside this house,” Elizabeth said in an amused tone after noticing that I have no plan of answering her previous question. “Or it’s because you’ve finally realized what you’ve done? Well,” she leaned her back on the sofa and folded her arms over her chest, “I guess that’s to be expected. Sino ba naman ang magsasayang pa ng laway sa pagtatanggol sa sarili niya kung ganito na karaming ebidensiya ang nagtuturong siya ang kriminal, di ba?”

“E-Elizabeth, I—”

“The picture was sent to me by someone else,” she said, looking on the table, “I’m not sure if it was real but it didn’t look like it was Photoshoped. I was not here in the Philippines when it happened so there’s no way I could confirm it, but based on these evidences on the table, nagtutugma ‘yong picture sa nangyari.”

“S-sino ‘yung nagpadala sa ‘yo ng pi—”

“Does it matter?” she asked coldly before she rolled her eyes. “I’ve found out that you used your classmates and teachers to gain popularity and ace the exams. No wonder you’ve graduated as your school’s valedictorian,” she added and sarcasm was laced in her voice.

Shutting my eyes, I breathed a soft smile. Nang buksan ko ang mga mata ko ay nangingilid na ang mga luha rito. I raised both of my hands and looked at my palms. “You’re right. I was… maybe I was really that kind of person,” I said, in order to silence my own doubts. Nagawa ko ngang patayin ang sarili kong mga magulang eh, best friend ko pa kaya, I thought as tears started to flow from my eyes. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I’m sorry for—”

“Why are you apologizing?” she snapped, tears stinging her eyes. Binaba niya na ang kanyang mga kamay sa sofa at nakakuyom ang mga iyon. “Do you think I could forgive you just because you apologized?! Don’t mess with me!” sigaw niya sabay tayo. “Sabihin mo sa ‘kin kung nasaan mo tinago ang bangkay ni Erika! Ikaw lang ang pwedeng makaalam kung nasa’n ‘yon!” Lumapit siya sa ‘kin at kwinelyuhan niya ako. Napapatakan na ng mga luha niya ang suot ko. “Sumagot ka!”

I sniffed and shook my head, still sobbing. “I’m sorry, h-hindi ko maalala—”

“Pwes, alalahanin mo! Nakikiusap ako sa ‘yo, gusto kong makita ang kapatid ko.” Dahan-dahan niyang inalis ang mga kamay niya sa ‘kin at lumuhod siya at umiyak nang umiyak. “Gusto ko siyang makita!”

“Patawarin mo ‘ko,” naiiyak kong sabi, at lumuhod ako sa sahig para yakapin niya. No’ng una, nanlalaban siya pero unti-unti rin niya akong hinayaang yakapin ko siya. “Pinapangako ko sa ‘yo na sasama ako sa ‘yo sa mga pulis at pagbabayaran ko ang ginawa ko. Makikita rin natin ang katawan niya, maniwala ka sa ‘kin. I will do everything that I can to remember what happened.” Huminto ako saglit para huminga at magpahid ng mga luhang patuloy na umaagos sa aking mga mata. “Kaya nakikiusap ako sa ‘yo, sana manatiling—”

Nahinto ako sa pagsasalita nang bigla akong makarinig ng ingay. Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap ko kay Elizabeth at tumingin sa may pintuan. Nagulat ako nang biglang may pumasok na mga kalalakihan. And all of them were familiar to me.

“C-Carl?” I asked in disbelief. “Lloyd, Nick, Raz… b-bakit kayo nandit—”

Raz winked at me as he said, smiling, “We’re here to pick you up.”

“Ha?” naguguluhan kong tanong habang nakatingin pa rin sa kanila.

“Jamie, lumayo ka sa babaeng ‘yan. Ngayon na,” utos ni Carl habang nakatingin siya nang masama kay Elizabeth.

Chapter 12: To Be a Friend

Jamie

I HAVE absolutely no idea what was happening and I assumed Elizabeth felt the same way.

“P-pa’no kayo nakapasok dito?” Elizabeth said, an alarmed look coming over her face.

“Um… tumagos kami sa pader?” nangingiting sabi ni Lloyd at bumungisngis naman si Raz at nakipag-high five sa kanya. Nick just rolled his eyes and headed towards me and abruptly grabbed my hand in annoyance.

“T-teka la—” I started to protest but he just dragged me to their side, before he eyed Carl who nodded to him for a sec. Carl, then, shifted his gaze to Elizabeth who managed to stand on her own, her eyes were still filled with confusion and surprise.

“Ano ba kasing—” I was about to ask but Carl interrupted me as he dropped his gaze to the table where the evidences were resting.

“Don’t you know that you’re just being used by Sebastian?” Carl’s voice cut the air with a sudden cold sharpness. Elizabeth’s eyes grew wide in shock before she glanced on her feet.

Gulat na gulat akong tumingin kina Nick. “A-anong ibig—” Biglang nilapat ni Nick ang pointing finger niya sa ibabaw ng bibig ko. Then he tapped his right earlobe twice and looked at Carl, as if telling me to just listen to what Carl has to say. Tapos tinanggal niya na ang pointing finger niya, bagay naman na ikinangisi nina Raz at Lloyd bago nila inakbayan ang magkabilang balikat ko.

“W-what are you talking about?” she asked nervously.

“Com’on, you don’t have to act like you don’t know him,” Nick said in a straight face as he folded his arms over his chest. “I’m telling you. It’s useless. Kasi alam na namin ang mga tunay na nangyari.”

Alam? T-tunay na nangyari? What does he mean by that?

“Hindi ka naniniwala?” he snorted. May dinukot siya sa kanyang bulsa at ibinato niya iyon kay Elizabeth. Mabuti na lang at nasalo ni Elizabeth iyon at nakita kong napuno ng takot ang mga mata niya nang makita kung ano ito.

“We borrowed that ID from a student of St. Mary named Rona Evangelista,” Carl said, his curled up into a smirk. “Looks familiar?” Nanginig ang kanyang kamay at parang kinakapos siya ng hininga. Mayamaya ay nabitawan niya ang kanyang hawak at bumagsak ito sa sahig. “Why did you react that way? Is that because you’re not expecting that we know Sebastian used her identity to process your transfer to St. Aldhelm? I must say that your human face mask was really well-made.”

I looked at Carl with wide eyes. How did he know about all of these? W-wala akong napagsabihan ng tungkol sa face mask na ginamit ni Elizabeth no’ng press con at saka pa’nong magiging si Kuya Seb ang—

“At talagang nag-exert ka ng effort mapaniwala mo lang si Jamie na pinatay niya si Erika, ha?”

“Mapaniwala?” gulung-gulong tanong ko. “Carl, anong ibig mong sabihin?”

Tumingin sa ‘kin si Carl at tipid siyang ngumiti bago niya binaling ulit ang atensyon niya kay Elizabeth. “Why don’t we ask this woman? She seemed to be so dedicated in following that fucking asshole’s commands. Ano bang ipinangako niya kapalit ng mga ginagawa mo? Ang makita ang bangkay ng half sister mo?” His grinned widened as Elizabeth’s anxiety escalated. “What if I tell you that you would never see your dead sister’s body? Susundin mo pa rin kaya ang gagong butler na ‘yon, ha?”

“How can you be so sure?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “He told me he would—” She stopped, her eyes widened as she belatedly realized what she was about to say. Carl, on the other hand, casted an amused glanced in her direction.

“Unfortunately, he wouldn’t, ‘cause Erika’s still alive.”

“What?!” gulat na gulat naming tanong nang sabay.

“Pa’nong mangyayari ‘yon?” Elizabeth said, her voice was soaked with mockery. “Hindi mo ba nakikita ang mga ebidensiyang nasa mesa, ha?”

“Do you think those were enough to prove that she’s already dead?” Carl asked before he stifled a laugh. “Ang lupit mo naman sa kinakapatid mo. Ni hindi mo pa nga nakikita ang bangkay niya pero pinagpalagay mo na agad na patay na siya.”

“Then prove to me that she’s still alive! And don’t forget to explain these eviden—” Nahinto sa pagsasalita si Elizabeth nang maghagis ulit ng isang bagay si Carl sa kanya mula sa bulsa nito. Unlike kanina, hindi niya iyon nasalo kaya sumabog ang mga ito sa sahig. Napatingin ako sa mga iyon at laking gulat ko nang mapansing mga stolen picture iyon ni Erika habang nakikipag-usap kay Kuya Seb!

Napaluhod sa gulat si Elizabeth at isa-isang pinagmasdan ang mga larawang nakakalat sa kanyang harapan. “Those pictures were shot two days ago by Nick and Raz’s fraternity friends,” Carl informed me. Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa dalawang binanggit niya.

Nag-thumbs up sign sa ‘kin si Nick, samantalang si Raz naman ay naka-japorms pose habang nakangisi. “Never underestimate the power of our brotherhood,” may kayabangan na sabi ni Raz at nakipag-fistbump siya kay Nick.

“We’re still finding out the reason why Erika teamed up with that bastard,” pagpapatuloy ni Carl sa pagsasalita. “Pero siguro naman ngayon alam mo nang niloloko ka lang nila.”

“P-pa’no mo ipapaliwanag ang—”

“Lloyd,” sabi ni Carl sabay tingin kay Lloyd. Inalis ni Lloyd ang kanyang isang braso sa ‘kin at lumakad siya papalapit kay Carl at ito naman ang inakbayan niya.

“Here’s what we think that happened in this house: First, may sinabi si Erika na nakapagpatindi sa galit ni Jamie sa kanya, na naging dahilan kung bakit kumuha ng cutter si Jamie para ipangtakot sa kanya. Pero imbis na si Erika ang matakot ay si Jamie ang mismong natakot sa cutter na hawak niya kaya nabitawan niya ang cutter bago siya umalis.”

Ha? I don’t get it! In my vision, my hands were covered with blood! Kung hindi ko siya sinaksak, sa’n galing ang dugo sa kamay ko at sa katawan niya? Bakit siy—

“W-wait,” Elizabeth said, her eyes were still wide with shock and her brows still knitted in confusion, “ibig sabihin hindi niya talaga sinaksak s—”

“Look at Erika in her recent picture,” utos ni Lloyd at tumingin ka si Elizabeth sa mga pictures na nagkalat sa sahig. “Sa tingin mo ba magsusuot siya ng tube na makapagpapakita ng tiyan niya kung totoong nasaksak siya ni Jamie?”

Elizabeth covered her mouth in surprise before she gazed back at Lloyd who was smiling at her.

“Do you get it now, Ms. Elizabeth Estacio?” tanong ni Carl. “Those evidences were made by those two to use you in their plan. The cutter would really have Jamie’s fingerprints on it since it’s hers. The rest? Gawa-gawa na lang nila ‘yon. Kasi alam mo, kung totoong nakapatay ‘tong isang ‘to,” he added as he glanced my way before returning his eyes on Elizabeth, “eh di sana ang una niyang ipinagawa sa ‘yo ay isuplong siya sa mga pulis. Why waste time tormenting her when you could let the police handle the case?” Elizabeth bit her lip and looked down. “Or did you think it was cool to put ‘justice’ in your own hands?”

“H-hindi sa gano’n!” pailing na protesta niya.

“Eh di ano? Hindi mo lang talaga ginamit ang utak mo?”

“Carl,” saway ko naman sa kanya at inirapan niya lang ako, na ikinasimangot ko naman.

“Anyway, now that you already have an idea of what kind of person your half sister is, I guess it’s time for you do the talking. Tell us everything you know about that asshole.”

NICK drew out a deep sigh as he stretched his arms upward and locked his fingers together. “In the end, we didn’t get any useful information from that woman,” he said, disappointment was evident in his voice. Nasa kotse kami ni Carl na kasalukuyang minamaneho niya. Kaming dalawa ang nasa harap, samantalang nagsisiksikan naman ‘yong tatlo sa likuran.

“Masisisi ba natin siya kung halos lahat ng alam niya eh alam na natin?” Raz asked, his arms were folded against his chest.

“Ang importante, alam niya na ang totoo,” Lloyd joined in, “at hindi na siya magagamit ulit ng dalawang iyon.”

“Pa’no natin masisiguro ang kaligtasan niya?” I asked them and Raz smiled at me.

“Etong si Nick, gawin nating bodyguard niya,” biro nito sabay siko sa kanyang katabi.

“Ha? Bakit ako?” kunot-noong tanong naman ni Nick.

“Chicks ‘yon, pare. Chance mo na ‘yon para magka-girlfriend,” natatawang sabi ni Raz. Kinulong naman ni Nick ang leeg niya gamit ang braso nito at malutong na minura na ikinatawa ni Lloyd.

“I’ve already called my dad before we left her place,” sabi ni Carl na seryoso pa ring nakatingin sa kalsada, “Siguradong nando’n na ‘yong bodyguard na pinadala niya.”

“Carl,” I called him and he looked at me for a sec before he returned his eyes to the road. “H-hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang mga nangyayari. Di ba galit ka sa ‘kin? Then, why are y—”

He stifled a laugh and answered, “That was all an act, Jamie.”

“What?” Bigla siyang may kinuhang nakatuping envelope mula sa bulsa niya sa may pwetan at iniabot niya ‘yon sa ‘kin.

“We’ll open it later,” he said as he shot me a self-satisfied smile. “It’s from Raul.”

“R-Raul? ‘Yung anak ni Mrs. Salazar?” I gaped at him in surprise. “How did you find them?”

“Hindi ko pa alam kung saan sila lumipat,” he answered.

“Kung gano’n, pa’no—”

“Remember when I caressed that child’s hair?” he asked and I nodded. “That’s when I secretly gave him a note wherein I instructed him to ask his mom to write a letter containing all the useful information she knew about the Perez family right after we left their house. The note also included my contact details and a few options they could choose from in case that asshole do something.”

“Whoa,” I uttered, flabbergasted. “I can’t believe you’ve thought all that in advance.”

“Hindi naman. No’ng mga panahon kasi na ‘yon, alam ko nang may sumusunod sa ‘tin.”

“Ha? But you told me—”

“I just pretended that I didn’t know so that fucking butler would think his plan’s working on us.”

What?! I really thought we were outsmarted by Kuya Seb! I couldn’t believe Carl could act like that! Paniwalang-paniwala ako na inis na inis siya dahil sa ginawang pang-iisa sa ‘min ni Kuya Seb eh!

“So you predicted that Mrs. Salazar and Mr. Torres would move out of their respective houses just by simply knowing that there’s someone following us?”

“Not exactly, ang hula ko lang noon ay may gagawing hakbang ang Sebastian na ‘yon para di natin sila ulit makausap and he really did. That’s why I made that move to prevent him from stealing away our opportunity to gather information related to that family. Gano’n din ang ginawa ko kay Mr. Torres kaya ayos lang sa ‘kin na maaga tayo umalis mula sa bahay niya. Hindi ko alam kung napansin mo pero no’ng araw na binalikan natin ang kani-kanilang bahay ay pasimple kong inalam kung may iniwan silang sulat sa bahay kasi isa ‘yon sa mga options na sinulat ko. And they did. ‘Yong sulat naman na galing kay Mr. Torres ay nakaipit sa pitaka ko.”

“Gets ko na. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung bakit hindi mo man lang pinaalam sa ‘kin ang tungkol—”

“Look, if I did tell you about it, then most likely, my plan wouldn’t work. Remember that Kuya Seb’s spy was watching our every fucking move,” paliwanag niya. “Ever heard of the Unspoken Plan Guarantee? That’s what I did. I concealed my plan by deceiving you so that your reaction about the situation would be convincing enough to boost the ego of that bastard.”

“It’s a common strategy to win,” Nick said, smiling. “Convincing your enemy that you’re on the losing side would weaken his defense. Aakalain niyang kontrolado niya ang sitwasyon but the truth is, it’s the other way around.”

“I think in Psychology, it’s something called Tension-Reduction Theory,” Raz added. “It means that we commonly put our guard down when we’re confident that the situation was under our control. For example, you’re a stock investor, and your stock broker informed you that Company X would have a partnership with an international company for a million dollar project next week. The assumption is that the price of the Company X’s stocks would go up so you must buy as many stocks as you can before the partnership happens to gain huge profit. So because you knew what would happen with your money, you followed your broker’s suggestion and bought a lot of stocks. Pagkatapos no’n wala ka nang ginawa kundi tumingin ng mga mamahaling sasakyan sa internet kasi nag-e-expect ka na ng malaking pera eh. Unfortunately, before the partnership happened, nabalita na substandard pala ang mga materials na ginagamit ng Company X, which of course, was opposite of the information they’re feeding to the public. Dahil dito, masisira ang imahe ng Company X kaya hindi na matutuloy ang partnership at lalagapak ang presyo ng stocks nito sa stock market. In short, you will suffer great loses if you think you already win the game before it actually ends.”

“Alright, nauunawaan ko na ang dahilan kung bakit di mo ‘ko in-inform tungkol sa plano mo, Carl,” sabi ko. Nai-stress ako bigla sa example ni Raz about stock trading. Geez. “Pero marami pa akong tanong sa isip ko.”

“Gaya ng?” Carl asked.

“Since when did you find out about Elizabeth and Erika? No’ng huli ba tayong nagkita, alam mo na ang tungkol sa kanila? Kailan nalaman nina Nick ang tungkol dito? Sinabi mo ba sa kan—”

I was interrupted by Nick’s stifled laughter, followed by the boyish grin dangling on each of their faces, as if they’re actually enjoying the fact that I looked like an idiot, knowing almost nothing about what’s on their mind or their plan. “Thought you’d say that,” Nick said. “Carl, how about you explan it to Jamie as detailed as possible over a cup of coffee?”

“Where? At your house?” Carl commented, giving a slight grin to Nick via the rear-view mirror.

“Sure,” Nick answered. “Alam mo naman ang mga magulang ko,” he added, rolling his eyes.

“Now that you’ve mention it,” I said, my eyes lit up. “It’s been awhile since I last visited your house. How’s your mom?”

Nick gave me a lazy smile. “Still fond of you.”

“I KNEW nothing about your problem with those girls,” Carl started to say when we’re finally inside Nick’s huge room and finished our meryenda prepared by his mom. Mrs. Aquino just went out of the room a few minutes ago after spending at least an hour, talking to us, especially to me, about a lot of things about Nick (you bet he’s pissed about it), the school, studying, cooking, girl stuff, and the likes. (Expect the question, which one of these guys is your boyfriend? Geez. Haha.) I could say that his mom really missed me and she literally squealed in joy upon seeing me in girl’s clothes. Medyo nagulat nga ako sa reaction niya. Nakaka-tonguetied pero nakakatuwa.

Alam mo ‘yung feeling na naranasan mong magkaroon ng sobrang bigat ng problema at halos lunurin ka na ng luha at kalungkutan tapos makakaramdam ka ng kaginhawaan kasi pakiramdam mo kahit pa’no naibsan ‘yung paghihirap na nararamdaman mo sa tulong ng mga kaibigan mong hindi mo inaasahan na gagawa ng paraan para sagipin ka sa tiyak na kapakanan. ‘Yong feeling na nakakatawa ka na ulit sa tulong ng kulit at lambing ng isang taong sobra-sobra ang pasasalamat sa ‘yo dahil lang sa isang bagay na ginawa mo para sa pamilya nila.

Tapos parang gustung-gusto niya akong maging anak. Kung di lang siya sinaway ng anak niya ay di pa niya tatapusin ang walang katapusang kwentuhan namin. Seriously, who wouldn’t want a mom like her? Maalaga, masarap magluto, masarap kakwentuhan at parang ka-age mo lang. (Well, let’s cross out Nick’s opinion about her mom’s usual behavior around his friends.)

“So you could imagine the look on my face when I saw the picture. However, when I’ve read the message and found out that it was from that fucking butler, I immediately thought it was a lie. I couldn’t explain it really well but I believe it’s just a trap to break our partnership apart. He might’ve realized that letting us work together would make it harder for him to conceal the truth. I mean, there’s no one who wanted to know about what happened twelve years ago, except us. Saka siguro naisip niya rin na madali niyang masisira ang tiwala ko sa ‘yo dahil sa kasinungalingang ginawa niya, or nila. Unfortunately, hindi niya ako maloloko. I’ve known you long enough to believe that there’s no way you could kill someone.”

I bit my lip and casted my eyes downwards. Alam ko na dapat kong ikatuwa ang sinabi ni Carl kasi hindi pala nawala o nabawasan ang tiwala niya sa ‘kin, kaso nakaka-guilty lang kasi hindi niya alam na mali siya. Nakapatay na ako ng mga tao. Mga magulang ko pa. I wondered if he could still believe in me after knowing about my past.

“Saka mas mukhang mamamatay-tao ang gagong butler ng ate ni Ice kaysa sa ‘yo, James,” sabi naman ni Lloyd na sinang-ayunan naman nina Nick at Raz.

“Sinabi mo pa,” dagdag ni Raz. “It seemed to me that he was just telling that it was his duty to protect the Perez family to cover up his real aim, which is to protect himself.”

“Exactly,” sabi ni Nick. “Kung wala siyang kinalaman sa nangyari, bakit halos lahat ng paraan, kahit masama, ay ginagawa niya para lang maitago ang katotohanan? Kung ako siya at inosente ako, aba, hindi ko hahayaan na manatiling sikreto ‘yong krimen na ginawa ng pamilyang pinaglilingkuran ko. Fuck the word ‘loyalty’! If he really cares for them then he would do what’s right!”

“Iboto na ‘yang presidente!” Raz teased which earned him a scowl from Nick. Natawa na lang kami sa kakulitan kami. Seriously, na-miss ko ‘yong ganitong mga simpleng usapan at asaran naming magkakaibigan. Para kasing kahit hindi pa naman gano’n katagal no’ng huli kaming nagkita ay ramdam ko ‘yong naging pagbabago ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Kung ga’no ako naging iba sa kanila. Ramdam ko ‘yong mga malalaking pagbabago na ‘yon sa buhay ko. And maybe, it was going to be my reminder that I was never going to look at myself or at them the same away again. I would always feel guilty about what I’ve done with my parents. I would always think that I was not being true to them and how I could never deserve the friendship we shared. I would always think that they’re better off without me because I have such an ugly past I wish I never had. Even if I didn’t kill Erika, though I still have a lot of questions about it, it wouldn’t easily erase the fact that I’ve been a murderer. Wala nga ako sa kulungan, pero habang buhay naman na nakakulong sa memorya ko ‘yong kasalanang ginawa ko.

“Okay, can I go back to what I’m talking about?” Carl asked and they laughed. Nick told him to go on while grinning like a kid and Carl just rolled his eyes and resumed talking. “No’ng nagkita tayo sa restaurant,” tumingin siya sa ‘kin at seryoso ang expression ng mukha niya, “inarte ko lang kung ano ‘yong inaasahan ni Sebastian na magiging reaksyon ko tungkol doon. Isa pa, nakamasid din no’ng mga panahon na ‘yon ‘yung spy niya kaya hangga’t maaari, kapani-paniwala ‘yong mga binibitawan kong salita sa ‘yo. Though I must admit that I was disappointed with you, Jamie.” He sighed a bit then continued.

“I mean, why did you easily believed what Elizabeth has said? Why did you admitted a crime you did not commit? Sorry for the term but are you fucking retarded? Nagawa mo pang makisimpatya sa babaeng ‘yon kahit alam mong wala ka naman talagang masamang ginawa. Alright, siguro nakakaawa siya kasi naging biktima siya. Pinaglaruan nila ang damdamin niya. Isa siyang karagdagan sa listahan ng mga ginamit ng demonyong ‘yon para mapanatiling sikreto ang nangyari twelve years ago. But, Jamie, those reasons were never going to be enough for you to forget about defending yourself.”

Bigla akong na-teary eyed dahil sa sinabi niya. I did, Carl. Hindi mo lang alam kung ga’no ko pinaglaban ang sarili ko mula sa mga pang-aakusa niya. But my courage failed me when I was presented with evidences. You wouldn’t understand how painful it was for me to accept it. Who would, right? Hindi ko naman basta-bastang tinanggap na lang na katotohanan ang mga ‘yon eh. Hindi. Ang kaso lang… ‘yong mga bigla kong nakikita at naalalang mga kapiraso ng nakaraan ko ‘yong pinaka nagtulak sa ‘kin na tanggaping ginawa ko nga iyon. Kasi nagawa ko na dati eh. So magagawa ko din ‘yon ulit. Sa kahit na sino.

Seriously, natatakot na talaga ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko na alam kung pa’no ulit ako haharap sa salamin o titingala sa langit. Hindi ko na alam kung pwede pa ba akong tumawag sa Panginoon sa anyo ng isang panalangin. Hindi ko na alam.

“Hindi mo ba naisip na dahil sa pag-amin mo ay pwede kang makulong kung natuloy ang pagpunta n’yo sa presinto?” tanong pa ni Carl. “Mabuti na lang at pagkatapos na pagkatapos kitang kausapin noon sa restaurant ay tinawagan ko agad si Nick para hingan siya at ang iba pa ng tulong para mailigtas ka namin. Kung tutuusin, halos tatlong araw lang ang meron kami para alamin ang tunay na nangyari, Jamie. But we did our best because we wanted to show you that we appreciate your company and all the little and big things that you’ve done for each one of us, and that it’s about time we’d return the favor. It’s about time to prove to you that we’re the guys here and it was our duty to save you. Not because you’re a girl, but because you’re Jamie and you are our precious friend.”

In just a blink of an eye, his words made the tears that I was holding back ran like rivulets down my cheeks.

Chapter 13: To Be Wrong

Jamie

I LOOKED up, met Carl’s stare and gazed right into his eyes – bottomless pits that showed nothing but sincerity in them. Another wave of emotions fueled my tears as I shifted my eyes to the rest of them and felt the warmth in their eyes and the message hidden in their shy smiles.

Carl scratched his neck uncomfortably, struggling to continue what he was saying, “I’m not the type of person who can easily express what he feels so you might not notice it but you’ve already gained my respect. You made me realize a lot of things in life and I guess, if it weren’t for you, I would still live in the past, hating Nick and the Perez family, and not caring about anything or anyone else in this shitty world. If it weren’t for you, I would still be impassive, and I would probably die like that too, bearing grudges against them without giving myself a chance to know what the truth is.”

He sighed a bit and crossed his arms over his chest. “And seriously, gaining my respect would be a lot harder than passing any professional exam so you better feel proud of yourself,” he said, a slice of arrogance was evident in his tone.

“Maniniwala na sana ako eh, kaso hinaluan ng kayabangan ni Carl,” sabi ni Nick at natawa naman ang iba. Tumabi siya sa ‘kin at binigyan ako ng panyo na agad ko namang inabot pagkatapos kong magpasalamat. “But kidding aside, he’s right. And personally, I think you’re cooler than the rest of us here. Imagine, kaya mong maghamon ng away at makipagbasag ulo sa ‘min kahit na babae ka pala?”

“And you could easily devise a plan to accomplish your goal,” dagdag naman ni Raz. “Kaya pati mga kaibigan namin sa fraternity, taas noo sa ‘yo eh.”

“Kaya nga nagtataka ako kung bakit parang nagbago ka,” puna naman ni Lloyd. “’Yong dating ikaw, ‘yong ikaw na kilala namin, hindi basta-basta paloloko. Tang ‘na, alam ko na maraming dumating na problema sa ‘yo pero naniniwala pa rin kami na malakas ka, matatag at matalino. Hindi ka basta-basta. Kaya bakit ngayon parang ang bilis mo nang panghinaan ng loob at maisahan?”

“I-I’m sorry,” halos pabulong kong sinasabi habang pinapahid ko ang mga luhang patuloy na tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko.

“Hindi mo naman kailangang mag-sorry,” Nick said, worry and panic seeped into his voice. “’To kasing si Lloyd eh, bakit kasi sinab—”

“The truth is,” I started to say, my voice caught in my throat and my heart was pounding loudly against my chest, as if warning me that what I was about to say could make me lose them. But I shook my fear and doubts away. Kailangan kong sabihin sa kanila ang tungkol sa nakaraan ko. ‘Yon lang ang tanging maigaganti ko sa kabutihan nila sa akin: ang sabihin ang totoo. Karapatan nilang malaman ‘yon. At siguro nga, ito ang tama. Ayokong patuloy na mabuhay nang may pagsisi na hindi ko sinabi sa kanila ang pinakamalaking bagay na nakaapekto sa pagkatao ko, at nagpabago sa kung sino ako ngayon sa paningin nila. Ayokong patuloy na mabuhay nang may takot sa puso ko na someday, malalaman nila ang tungkol doon, at guilt dahil naglilihim ako sa kanila. Saka posible rin na may alam na sila tungkol do’n, hindi lang nila sinasabi o kaya ay hinihintay nilang ako ang magsabi. “There’s something I’ve been hiding from you guys.”

Instantly, they fell silent and their expression seemed to freeze while their lips were tightly shut. Lalo akong kinabahan nang magtinginan sila sa isa’t isa. They knew it, I thought as I gulped and felt like my stomach was churning.

“I… I k-killed my own parents,” I forced the words out of my lips as I shut my eyes brieftly, like their eye contact could scald me. Naghintay ako nang ilang sandali para sa reaksyon nila pero walang nagsalita kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita. “At first, I didn’t remember anything about it at all. A-ang buong a-akala ko kasi…” I bit my lips and broke into tears. “…l-lumaki ako sa isang normal at masayang pamilya. I thought I was loved by my parents and that their deaths have nothing to do with me but it turned out that it wasn’t. Even before I started working as Ice’s butler, I’ve already been hearing different voices inside my head which were telling me something about my supposedly real self. And they’re accompanied by a sharp twinge in my head which could make me feel like it was being hammered by an unknown being. Gano’n kasakit. At bigla-bigla ko na lang ‘yon nararanasan nang walang pinipiling lugar, oras, o panahon. Pero sa kabila ng sakit na dinudulot no’n sa ‘kin, pinili ko na lang na balewalain ang mga iyon, thinking that it was just a product of my imagination. Pero imbis na mawala ito ay lalo pa itong lumala dahil nakakakita na ako ngayon ng mga senaryo sa isip ko. And these visions showed me about my younger self and how my mom loathed my existence and wished I was never born. Pinakita din ng mga iyon sa ‘kin kung pa’no niya ako saktan at pahirapan. Dahil din sa mga visions ko na ‘yon, natuklasan ko na may karelasyon pa lang iba ang mom ko, and that was your dad, Carl.”

Carl showed no surprise at all, like the rest of them. Then a few seconds later, he forced his eyes closed and gave a soft sigh before he opened them again. “I’ve found out about it when we’ve investigated your past to help you. You don’t know how surprised I was, realizing that you’ve been hiding that from me. Honestly, I wished you’ve told me about your connection with my dad’s past mistress because it gave me the wrong notion that the reason why you’re helping me was because you’re plotting your revenge against my dad since that bastard’s the reason why your mom committed suicide, right?”

“I’m sorry,” I said as I lowered my gaze. “I didn’t mean to give you that kind of idea. It’s just that I was afraid that you’re going to turn your back at me when I told you about it. I mean, we still have our investigation so as much as possible, ayokong makapagbigay ng kahit anong dahilan para mahinto tayo sa agenda natin na malaman ang katotohanan. Isa pa, gusto ko mang kamuhian si Mr. Park d-dahil sa kanya napunta ‘yong lahat ng pagmamahal na pinagkait sa ‘kin ng mom ko, ay hindi ko magawa. Kasi tatay mo siya at kaibigan kita. Saka napatunayan ko habang kausap natin siya no’n na hindi niya ginusto ‘yong nangyari sa mom ko at nagsisisi siya kasi wala siyang nagawa para sa kanya. Napatunayan ko na mabuti siyang tao at siguro ‘yon ang dahilan kung bakit siya minahal ng mom ko. And I also realized that he couldn’t have possibly destroyed my family because how could he destroy something that doesn’t exist from the start?” I added, tears stinging my eyes. “I lived with my mom and dad under the same roof but we’re never a family. Everything was just a façade.”

“I’m sorry for being a bit paranoid about the whole thing, Jamie,” Carl uttered, lowering his head slightly in an apologetic bow before looking back up at me with sadness in his eyes.

“Ikaw kasi, sinabi ko na sa ‘yong hindi niya magagawa ‘yon eh,” pairap na sabi ni Nick na bahagya ko namang ikinangiti. Ginantihan naman siya ng irap ni Carl at natawa nang bahagya ang ilan.

“Anyway, let’s go back to your visual and auditory hallucinations,” sabi naman ni Raz na mukhang seryoso at may malalim na iniisip, “since it was something new to us. Hindi namin natuklasan ang tungkol d’yan no’ng nag-imbestiga kami.”

“Oo nga,” pag-sang-ayon naman ni Lloyd. “Haven’t you thought of consulting about it to anyone of us? Hallucinations shouldn’t be ignored. It can be a symptom of Schizophrenia, Psychosis, and other mental disorders. Jamie, I’m telling this to you because I don’t want you to be like my mom. I’ve seen her suffering long enough to know that problems must not be kept within our selves because eventually, it could eat us up and lose our self in the process.”

I bit my lip and nodded my head as I looked at Lloyd and felt my tears as they continuously stained my cheeks. “N-natatakot kasi ako,” I admitted as I covered my face with both of my hands. “Sa sarili ko at sa magiging opinyon mo, ninyo, tungkol sa ‘kin at sa mga nakikita at naririnig ko. Kaya hangga’t maaari, binabalewala ko lang ang tungkol rito. I was so afraid you would think I’m going crazy or that I was just seeking attention—”

“Jamie, you know us,” Raz interrupted. “At alam mong hindi namin—”

“Raz, just shut up and let her talk,” Carl said coldly. “Jamie, I want you to know that we’re listening to you right now and we want you to tell us about your hallucinations as detailed as possible. Don’t be afraid about anything at all. We already know your past, and we’re going to correct what you know about it and about yourself, alright?”

I gave a slight nod and began to tell everything about it. Pati ‘yong mga sinabi sa ‘kin ni Kuya Seb na resulta ng investigation niya tungkol sa nakaraan ko at ‘yong mga conclusions niya ay sinabi ko rin sa kanila. Nang matapos na ako sa pagkukwento ay nagsalita na si Carl. “Alright, so the reason why you’ve accepted Elizabeth’s accusation and believed that you have killed her was because you’ve seen a fraction of what happened from one of your hallucinations. And because most of your visions have actually happened in the past, you thought they were all real. Am I correct?”

“Yes.” Tumango naman ako. Medyo kalmado na ako ngayon at hindi na umiiyak. Salamat sa panyong binigay ni Nick at sa baso ng tubig na binigay naman ni Raz kanina.

“That makes your argument fallacious and completely illogical,” Carl replied, his voice was excruciatingly calm. “You’re basing your belief on the fallacy of composition.”

“Fallacy of composition?” I reiterated, completely clueless about what he was talking about.

“It’s a common type of incorrect argument in logic which occurs when you consider that if some part of the whole is true, then the whole is true as well,” paliwanag niya. “Well, I couldn’t blame you if you’ve committed that kind of mistake because you’re no longer attending the class when Sir Mendoza taught us about it.”

“You don’t have to tell her about the class, idiot!” saway naman sa kanya ni Nick. “You’re being completely insensit—”

“What I mean to say is, it’s wrong to assume that all of your hallucinations are real just because some of them happened in past,” Carl continued, completely ignoring what Nick was saying.

“So some of them were fake? I know I shouldn’t have asked you this because the answer was pretty obvious, given the fact that Nick and Raz’s friends saw Erika alive and breathing and they even took some pictures of her with Kuya Seb, but it’s just that… it’s still a mystery to me. How and why it happened? Why some were fake and some were real? If I didn’t really stab her, then why were my hands covered with blood, as well as Erika’s body, in one of my visions? Sa’n galing ang mga dugong iyon? Naguguluhan na talaga ako sa sarili ko,” I said as I rubbed my temples with my fingers, extreme anxiety was reflected in my voice.

“Relax, we would explain it to you in details so you don’t have to worry anymore, okay?” Carl said in a gentle voice and I nodded slowly, the corner of my mouth curling upward. “Raz, kindly explain to her the reason why she has been experiencing hallucinations and why some of them were fake.”

“Alright,” Raz replied and began to explain. “We believe that it started when you’re still a child. Malaki ang epekto ng pagpapalaki at ugali ng mga magulang sa isipan ng isang bata. Based on what you’ve said that coincides with our research, you’ve suffered from parental rejection, lack of parental warmth, parental pressure or being compelled by your parents to excel, parental hatred, harsh discipline, emotional and physical abuse, and lastly, both of your parents became mentally ill before they lost their lives. The traumas that they have given you were too much for you to handle, that’s why you’ve sealed them at the back of your mind. Kaya nakalimutan mo ang tungkol dito. And instead of recalling those painful events in your life, gumawa ka ng kasinungalingan tungkol sa ‘yo at sa pamilya mo. You’ve let yourself believe that you have a perfect and happy family like everyone else dreams of. You pretended it was real; however, even if the mouth lies, the brain remembers the sound he originally heard—the sound of truth. Oo nga pwede nating ikondisyon ang sarili nating maniwala sa kathang-isip lang natin pero hindi habang buhay ay sasakyan tayo ng utak natin. That’s why you’ve started to hear different voices and see illusions which were what you don’t what to hear and see, because you don’t want to remember the truth. Kasi masaya ka na sa kasinungalinang pinaniniwalaan mo. Ang dahilan kung bakit sumasakit ang ulo mo ay dahil ayaw mo at pinipigilan mo ang sarili mong maalala ang nakaraan.”

“So why some of them were fake and some were real?” I asked.

“Because of the lie that you’ve created within yourself, you’re having trouble differentiating the lie from the truth. Now I’m going to enumerate the things which you thought were real but they’re not,” kalmadong sinabi ni Raz. Napalunok ako at seryosong tumingin sa kanya habang pilit hinahanda ang sarili ko sa mga malalaman ko. “First, you didn’t kill any of your parents.”

“W-what?! Pero sabi ni Kuya Se—”

“He was just lying to you,” mabilis na sabi ni Nick sa ‘kin. “It’s true that there were rumors about you killing your parents but none of them were based on facts. Although you have the motive the kill them, hindi mo ginawa. Or should I say… hindi mo nagawa.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Raz, ikaw na mag-explain. Mas maayos ka magpaliwanag eh,” sabi ni Nick at tumango naman si Raz.

“’Yung picture nga pala nasaan?” tanong ni Raz sa lahat liban sa ‘kin.

“Picture?” kunot-noong tanong ni Lloyd bago lumaki nang bahagya ang mga mata niya. “Ah! Wait!” Tumayo ito at binuksan ang bag na dala niya sa gilid. Naglabas siya ng isang flastic folder at may kinuha doon na nakaipit. “Bigay ko na ba kay Jamie?” he asked them and Raz nodded. Lumapit sa ‘kin si Lloyd at inabot niya sa ‘kin ang larawan ng isang babae. Isang matandang babae. My eyes widened in shock as I recognized that she was the same old woman who approached me when I was trying to find a gasoline station before.

“Do you recognize her?” Carl asked, his eyes lit up in interest.

I looked away from the picture and answered, “N-nakita ko siya minsan no’ng naghahanap ako ng gasoline station. N-nagulat nga ako kasi in-approach niya ako at binanggit niya ang pangalan ko na parang magkakilala na kami dati pa.”

“That’s because you two really know each other. Actually, siya nga ang dahilan kung bakit mas mabilis naming nalaman ang tungkol sa nakaraan mo eh.”

“Wait. Kaano-ano ko ba siya? Is she my grandma or something?”

“She was Salome Ilagan, the nurse that the fucking asshole mentioned to you,” Carl answered. “Retired na siya ngayon at nasa pangangalaga ng Home for the Aged kasi apparently, iniwan mo siya.”

“I-iniwan?”

“When your dad died, tumira ka sa bahay niya,” sabi ni Lloyd. “At ang dahilan ng pagkikita n’yo ay ang madalas niyang pagtakas sa Home for the Aged para hanapin ka. Nag-aalala siya sa ‘yo.”

A look of surprise flashed across my face. I bit my lip and frowned as sadness crept up within me. “H-hindi ko siya maalala. B-bakit gano’n?”

“Maybe if Raz would resume what he was saying then you would slowly recall her,” sabi ni Carl nang nakatingin sa ‘kin bago niya tinapunan ng makahulugang tingin si Raz. Tumango naman ito at nagpatuloy na sa pagpapaliwanag.

“You really planned on killing your mom because you hated her. Totoo ‘yong sinabi sa ‘yo ni Sebastian na ikaw ang nag-aya sa mom mo sa rooftop, at si Lola Salome ang kasama n’yo do’n. Though, unlike what he has said, she never left the rooftop just because you asked her to leave. Siya ang in-charge sa mom mo kaya hindi niya ‘yon pwedeng gawin dahil mapapagalitan siya ng head nurse nila. Kaya ang ginawa ni Lola Salome, pinaniwala ka niya na umalis siya pero ang totoo, nagtatago lang siya sa gilid habang pinagmamasdan kayong mag-ina.

“At katulad ng nasa sa hallucination mo, pumunta ang mom mo sa edge ng rooftop at tumingin sa ibaba. Unti-unti kang lumapit sa kanya, nakaunat paharap ang dalawa mong kamay at balak mong itulak siya. Takot na takot na nga raw si Lola Salome no’n eh, kaya balak ka niyang pigilan sa gagawin mo, kaso biglang tumalon ang mom mo bago ka pa man tuluyang makalapit sa kanya. Nagulat ka at lalo mong binilisan ang pagpunta sa edge ng rooftop. Sabi ni lola, umiiyak ka na daw no’n at parang wala sa sariling tumatawa. Hindi niya raw alam kung dahil ‘yon sa hindi mo matanggap na nagpakamatay ang mama mo o hindi mo matanggap na hindi ikaw ang nakapatay sa kanya. Nang silipin mo raw ang mama mo sa ibaba ay nag-alala siya sa ‘yo kaya hinatak ka niya at niyakap nang mahigpit. Umiyak ka sa kanya at do’n nagsimula ang ugnayan n’yong dalawa."

Chapter 14: To Be Better

Jamie

“ALTHOUGH Sebastian mentioned to you that Lola Salome had seen your bruises, he didn’t say anything about the fact that she was the one who helped you heal them. At hindi lang ‘yong pisikal na mga pasa at galos sa iyong katawan ang tinulungan niyang maghilom kundi pati na rin ang sa puso mo.”

Nakatingin ako sa kawalan habang pinakikinggan ko si Raz at namalayan ko na lang na tumutulo na pala ang mga luha ko.

“Hindi ka nagsusumbong sa kanya tungkol sa pananakit ng ama mo. Wala kang sinasabi. Kahit tanungin ka niya at kulitin nang paulit-ulit, hindi ka umiimik. But she didn’t easily give up. She told us that she had seen a lot of kids like you before, and she always regretted not giving them a hand when they needed someone the most, that’s why that time, she did her best to gain your trust and eventually she succeeded. Unti-unting napalapit ka sa kanya at tinuring mo siyang parang pangalawang ina. Binigay niya ‘yung atensyon at pagmamahal na hindi mo nakuha sa mga magulang mo kaya madalas mo siyang bisitahin sa ospital kapag nasa trabaho ang papa mo,” Raz continued.

I blinked and winced as I felt my head ache again. I wiped my tears quickly with the back of my right hand and pressed my temples with my fingers, trying to lessen my distress – yet it brought a new wave of pain, and this time, few blurred scenes from the past were attached on it. It was both comforting and excruciating – the feeling of somewhat remembering someone you shouldn’t supposed to forget; comforting because you still manage to recall her, yet excruciating because it was not enough for me to picture the scenarios as clearly as it should.

It wasn’t enough.

Gusto kong maalala ang lahat. Lahat-lahat, nang malinaw, maayos, at totoo. But the main point is, if she played an important role in saving me from insanity and from the hell I’ve experienced when I was young, then why the fuck did I forget her? Why did I leave her? Was I that cruel to abandon the person who had done so much to me even though we’re basically strangers and it’s not her responsibility to take care of me?

“Lola Salome had wanted to adopt you,” sabi naman ni Lloyd, “because she knew you’re also being abused by your dad but she couldn’t. Hindi pumayag ang ama mo. He insisted that he was properly taking care of you so her help was not needed. Sa palagay namin, ang rason kung bakit ayaw kang bitawan ng ama mo ay sa simpleng rason na ayaw niyang bitawan ‘yong tanging nag-uugnay sa kanya at sa asawa niya: at ikaw iyon.”

So in the end, my dad only cares for my mom, huh? I thought as my heart sank.

“At kung pumayag man siya, sa tingin ni Lola Salome ay hindi ka rin sasama sa kanya dahil no’ng mga panahon na ‘yon ay hindi ka pa rin nawawalan ng pag-asa na makukuha mo rin ang atensyon at pagmamahal ng ama mo,” Raz explained as I caught him glance at me, the expression in his eyes were sad and hesitant. “That’s the thing about kids; they would always prefer to be with their parents in spite the hurt they’re inflicting on them. It was their nature to unconditionally love them. But as the kids grow, they would realize that loving their parents wouldn’t be enough. It must be reciprocated. And if not, their love would slowly turn into hate.”

“’Cause there would always come a time when you couldn’t help but compare yourself and your parents to other people,” sabi naman ni Nick. “Laging mapupuno ang isipan mo ng mga tanong. Bakit ‘yong mga magulang ni ganito, ganyan, bakit ‘yong mga magulang ko, hindi – or something like that.” He paused for awhile as if thinking something before he stared at me. “Natuklasan din namin na laging wala ang dad mo kapag recognition day or PTA meeting. Hindi naman daw makapunta si Lola Salome para sa ‘yo dahil hindi pa siya nagre-retire no’n kaya busy siya sa trabaho niya, idagdag mo pang hindi ka naman niya guardian kaya hindi siya papapasukin sa school n’yo.”

“—which reminded me that perhaps, the reason why you succeeded in convincing our parents back then,” Raz added, his eyes flickered with realization, “was because you’ve been wanting to say the same thing to your parents, especially to your dad, but you didn’t had the chance to do so.”

“I didn’t?” I clarified, my eyes widening in surprise and my brows knitted in confusion.

“Yes, you didn’t,” Carl answered. “Your visions about confronting your dad while cutting your wrist didn’t actually happened. What occurred was you cutted your wrist in your room because you are so disappointed with your dad, not giving a fuck about your high school graduation or the fact that you’ve done everything you could to become the class valedictorian just to please him. You’re so angry at him and you wanted him to die, but at the same time, you’re confused. You wanted him to live and give him a chance but you didn’t know how long you would have to wait or how many chances you must give him to make him love you like you do. You’re angry about yourself not being brave enough to tell him how you feel. You’re angry about yourself not being courageous enough to demand the love you think you deserve from your dad who has nothing else in mind other than your mom, who was already dead and most probably forgotten by the rest of the world. You’re angry about yourself not being strong and bold enough to take away your dad’s life, even though you wanted to. You’ve been wanting to. But you’re afraid. You’re always afraid and those were the thoughts you shared with Lola Salome when you were visiting her.”

“S-so I had nothing to do with my dad’s death?” I asked, even though my throat felt clogged and my heart felt constricted in my chest.

“I couldn’t say you had nothing to do with it,” sabi naman ni Raz. “After all, he saw you cutting your wrist in your room and that triggered his heart attack. Just like what Sebastian has said, he probably died because of fright after seeing you cut your wrist. Pinaalam sa ‘min ni lola na siya ang unang nakakita sa bangkay ng dad mo dahil nag-aalala siya sa ‘yo."

"So siya din 'yong sinabi ni Kuya Seb na nakapansin na nakabalot ng gauze 'yong kaliwang pulsuhan ko?"

Raz nodded. "Hindi niya lang sinabi na si Lola Salome 'yon para hindi mo maalala ang tungkol sa kanya dahil once na maalala mo si lola at ang naging parte niya sa buhay mo ay mare-realize mong nagsisinungaling lang sa 'yo ang butler na 'yon."

"Nang araw na ‘yon kasi ay tinext mo si lola na gusto mo nang magpakamatay," dugtong ni Lloyd. "Pinakita pa nga niya sa ‘min ‘yong lumang cellphone niya kung saan niya tinabi ‘yong text mo. Pinakita niya rin daw ‘yon sa mga pulis noon nu’ng nag-imbestiga sila.”

I lowered my head and frowned. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he died because of me. I killed him.”

“That time, you’re trying to kill yourself,” paglilinaw ni Nick. “It was not your fault that he died. Though you wanted him to die, it was not your intention to let him die that way.”

“Saka nabanggit sa ‘min ni lola na medyo nawawala ka na sa sarili mo noon dahil sa dami ng mga paghihirap na naranasan mo kaya nang silipin niya ang kwarto mo nang araw na namatay ang ama mo ay pulang-pula daw ang bedsheet ng kama mo at maraming patak ng dugo sa sahig,” kwento naman ni Lloyd. “You must’ve cutted yourself until you felt numb, and that experience was probably the reason why you had visions where you’re seeing your hands soaked with blood, and some of it were dripping on the floor.”

“And because your dad’s death was related to your wrist cutting, you never dared doing it again,” Carl muttered as I inhaled sharply. “Kahit na no’ng tumira ka sa bahay ni Lola Salome ay di ka na ulit nagtangkang magpakamatay dahil makakita ka lang ng cutter ay natatakot ka na. That’s why it was impossible for you to stab Erika using a cutter.”

“Alright. But how could you explain the presence of the cutter—” I started to say but Lloyd intervened.

“I will explain that later. Let’s first talk about Erika and her probable motive,” he added in a serious. “We didn’t really have much information about her. Ang alam lang namin, naging magkakilala kayo since first year high school at maraming nakapagsabi sa ‘min na close daw kayo. Hati ang opinyon ng mga naging kaklase ninyo tungkol sa inyo.”

“W-what do you mean hati?” A flash of hurt glimpsed in my eyes.

“May mga nagsasabi na nagpapanggap lang daw kayong magkaibigan. In reality, naggagamitan at nagpaplastikan lang daw kayo,” Lloyd answered. “May mga nagsasabi naman na naiinggit sila sa friendship na meron kayo dahil imbis na maghilaan kayo pababa ay nagtutulungan kayong dalawa para makaangat sa iba.”

“Base sa mga nalaman ng mga ka-frat namin," sabi naman ni Raz, "valedictorian si Erika no’ng grumaduate siya no’ng elementary kaya pasok siya agad sa section one no’ng first year; while you were put in section three because your grades were lower than the required grade to get into the section one or two. After the first and second grading, ginulat mo ang buong school dahil nag top ka sa mga exams at nahigitan mo pa ang mga estudyante sa higher sections so your adviser that time, requested you to be put in the star section. At ‘yon ang naging simula ng pagiging magkaklase ninyo ni Erika.”

“It was quite intriguing to know that ever since you’ve become friends with her,” Carl said with a shred of suspicion on his voice, “your grades drastically improved which made you the constant number one in class and in the whole school, while Erika struggled to reach your position. Palaging top two or three lang siya. It was such a wonder how you two have managed to be friends in spite being in a competitive environment.”

“It wasn’t like I was competing with her,” katwiran ko. “Ginagawa ko lang ang makakaya ko para maging proud sa ‘kin si dad.”

“Yes, of course,” sabi ni Carl, “but she was doing her best too, because she wanted to get the scholarship offered by their foundation to go and study in New York to finally meet the person who was funding her education and cost of living.”

“Yes, I think... I've heard about it from her before but we’re not really competing with each other. Nagtutulungan kami sa homeworks at kapag nagre-review,” I said, though I was having second thoughts regarding the matter since it was highly possible that they were right. After all, hindi ko naman masyadong pinagsususpetsahan si Erika no’ng high school pa kami. Ayoko siyang pagdudahan dahil kaibigan ko siya at mahalaga siya sa ‘kin (well, that was until we separated ways after graduation because she was acting like she knew me more than I knew myself). Maybe I was blinded by our friendship, that’s why I didn’t notice it at all. At siguro… siya ‘yong nagpentel pen sa sarili niyang mukha do’n sa kopya ng picture naming dalawa para kapag nilabas ko ‘yon ay iisipin ng ibang tao na ako ang gumawa no’n at ako ang masama sa ‘ming dalawa.

“Ang hula namin, Jamie,” sabi naman ni Lloyd, “ay may lihim na galit sa ‘yo si Erika. Naiinggit siguro siya sa ‘yo kasi no’ng mga panahon na ‘yon ay buhay pa ang dad mo, samantalang siya ay ulila na. Tapos ikaw pa ang nangunguna sa klase, so dahil sa ‘yo, posibleng hindi niya makuha ‘yong college scholarship na pinapangarap niya.”

“P-probably,” I uttered in a low voice. That’s why I was appalled when Elizabeth mentioned before that it was me who envied Erika. It’s not like there was something in her life that’s worth to be envied.

“Pwedeng iyon ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagpanggap na patay para lang i-frame up ka at masira ang pangalan mo sa mga taong malalapit sa ‘yo,” Raz concluded.

“Could envy be an enough motive to do those horrible things?” Nick questioned, a frown etched between my eyebrows. “I mean, there must be a—”

“I was pretty sure she has a better reason than being envious of her friend,” Carl cutted him off. “I was not completely on your side for this matter.” Huminto siya saglit at tumingin siya sa ‘kin na nakapagpakaba naman sa puso ko. What did he mean by that? Sinasabi niya ba na ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit naiinggit sa ‘kin si Erika? “Although it was already clear that you were innocent from Elizabeth’s accusations annd that you didn’t kill anyone, let’s not forget that you had suffered a lot from your childhood and it could possibly reflect on how you’ve dealt with your peers, especially with her, during those times. I believe that there has to be something that you’ve done unconsciously for you to earn her hate.”

His words cut me deep, deeper than he would ever know, and at that moment, I wanted to deny it — the probability that I was not completely innocent. But it wouldn’t be fair, ‘cause it seemed like I just wanted to run away again and that’s the last thing that I must do.

“S-siguro nga, tama ka.” I bit my lip and gave Carl a quick nod. I admit that I was not really a good person to begin with and I could act thoughtlessly around her. “May pagka-selfish din kasi ako, lalo na dati, dahil sa goal ko noong maging perfect.”

“Maybe that’s one of the things she hates about you.”

“But she could’ve told me about it,” I argued, but deep inside, I knew that the moment I mentioned the word ‘perfect’, I felt my heart painfully constricted in my chest as I recalled my voices inside my head.

‘Perfect woman' your face!

You're nothing but a fragmented piece of a beautifully crafted lie.

“The question is, are you going to listen to her if she tells you about it? After all, you’ve just said na may pagkamakasarili ka. And that’s probably the reason why you never noticed that she was beginning to secretly hate you.”

I sighed and grimaced as I remembered my high school life with her. I realized that I never paid attention to her problems or to her at all. There were times when I listened to her but it was just for the sake of listening. I never did anything for her. Maybe it’s because I was determined to be perfect and I care less about anything or anyone else, or maybe it’s because I was looking down on her since she was basically alone. She was a nobody. But everyone liked her. Because she’s prettier and kinder than me. Her smile looked more natural and vibrant than me. She looked happier than me, even if she doesn’t have anyone to call a family. And though I have a family, I was not happy at all. I couldn’t be happy at all. And I realized I was more alone than she could possibly be, because I was not loved by anyone, unlike her. (Siguro nga minahal ako ni Lola Salome pero dahil naka-focus ako sa pag-aasam ng pagmamahal ng dad ko ay hindi ko siya masyadong napag-ukulan ng atensyon, thus making me feel that I was not loved by anyone, though I have her.) And maybe she was just trying to act like she cared for me because she had to. Clinging to me and treating me like a friend would help her boost her confidence and improve her image and grades. Or maybe, it was just her strategy so she would know why I could easily ace the exams, which she would soon use to steal the top rank from me.

I was always dominating our conversations, telling about a lot of things… about me and my problems. About me and my dreams. It’s always about me.

I never asked her, ‘how about you?’ Maybe I didn’t really want to know her better because it would just make me hate her more. Maybe because I didn’t want to accept that she was a lot better than me and that her existence was preventing me from my ultimate goal to be perfect.

I don’t know. Maybe these were my real thoughts about her. Maybe these were not.

But one thing was for sure, I was ashamed for having this kind of thoughts. It was as if Elizabeth was right. I envy her. No, maybe I really did. And I just couldn’t accept it. That’s why I lied to myself about her. I created an image of her inside my head that could fit the kind of character I wanted her to play in my life. And that’s to be my bestfriend, but not quite.

Sa apat na taon nating magkaibigan, tinuring mo ba talaga akong kaibigan o ginamit mo lang ako? the voices reminded me once again and a tear fell from my eye.

Could I call what I've done in the past as defense mechanism to prevent myself from getting hurt or it was just hyprocrisy and being self-serving?

“I was ashamed of myself,” I’ve let out a bitter smile as I looked at my feet, “thinking about what Erika had done one-sidedly. Tama ka, Carl. And maybe I deserve what happened to me.”

“Com’on, don’t say that,” sabi ni Nick. “We all have that kind of side, you know. Saka ang importante, matanggap natin ang pagkakamali natin at gumawa tayo ng hakbang para maitama ito, hindi ba?”

“Whoa. May baon ka palang words of wisdom?” Raz kidded and Nick has no qualms when he elbowed him in the gut and threw curses at him. Napangiti na lang kami sa kulitan nila. “Anyway, I’m glad that we’re taking both sides of this issue and honestly, I couldn’t wait to know why Erika had done these things to Jamie. I wanted to know if her reasons could justify what she had done.”

“I also wanted to know why she teamed up with that fucking butler,” dagdag ni Carl. “They used innocent people to put you,” he looked at me for a second before looking at the rest of the guys, “into a situation where you have no other choice but to trust that bastard and follow whatever he was going to say, like betraying me and putting an end into your goal of looking for the truth behind what happened twelve years ago. You see, this kind of partnership would obviously be in that asshole’s advantage and most likely, he just used Erika’s hatred just to make it difficult for you to say no to him. Ang pinag-iisipan ko ay kung bakit siya nagpagamit sa demonyong ‘yon.”

“Sa tingin ko, hindi siya nagpagamit,” Nick disagreed. “If you’re going to analyze Erika’s actions, you could say that she was fairly manipulative, just like Sebastian. After all, she let that butler use her half sister just to succeed in their plan. Ibig sabihin no’n, wala siyang pakialam kung sino ang madadamay at masasaktan niya, magantihan niya lang si Jamie. That would mean that we’re going to regret if we take her too lightly.”

“Now that you’ve mention it,” sabi ni Carl habang seryosong nag-iisip, “she was pretty meticulous in faking her death. Masasabing pinagplanuhan niya talaga ‘yon nang maigi.”

A smile glossed Raz’s lips brieftly before he said, “She was under the impression that she was using Sebastian to execute her plan, little did she know that it was the other way around.”

“Tang ‘na, mas mautak pa rin si Sebastian kaysa sa kanya,” sabi naman ni Lloyd. “Posibleng ilaglag lang siya ng butler na ‘yon lalo na’t siguradong alam na nila ngayon na pumalpak ang plano nila.”

“Exactly,” sabi naman ni Carl bago siya tumingin sa ‘kin. “Anyway, let’s leave that topic aside and proceed to questions that were bugging Jamie. We stopped at the cutter, right?”

I gave Carl a quick nod and Lloyd said, “Erika was the one who put your cutter inside your bag. Nabanggit sa ‘min ni Lola Salome na may isang beses na bumisita siya sa ‘yo at sa kwarto mo kayo nag-uusap. Maybe she took that as an opportunity to steal it from you.”

“I couldn’t understand why I still kept that cutter if I was scared of it.”

“Well, there are some things that we couldn’t throw away no matter how many times it brought tears in our eyes or fears in our mind. Maybe, you’re still clinging to the memory attached to it, that’s why you chose to hide it away from your sight instead of disposing it,” paliwanag naman ni Nick.

“Nabanggit din ni lola na madalas ka raw makitulog sa bahay ni Erika. It was the house which was currently occupied by Elizabeth,” pagpapatuloy ni Lloyd at nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“What? So kanila nga talaga ‘yon? How did that happen?”

And why did I always visit her? Is that a proof that I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was and that I really considered her as my best friend?

“Base sa impormasyong nakuha ng mga kaibigan nina Nick, pagmamay-ari ng tatay ni Elizabeth ang bahay na ‘yon pero dahil lumipat na siya sa New York ay minabuti niyang ipagamit ito kay Erika,” paliwanag ni Lloyd habang nakatingin sa ‘kin. “We think the reason why you thought it was your family’s house was because you’re attached to that place, not to mention that its structure was quite similar to your family’s house that was taken over by the bank to pay off your dad’s debts.”

“S-so ‘yung susing hawak ko ay—”

Tumango si Lloyd at bahagyang ngumiti. “It was your house’s key. That’s why it wouldn’t fit with the lock of their house.”

“M-may nagmamay-ari na ba ng dati naming bahay?” I asked and my voice sounded desperate. “Sa tingin n’yo kaya pwede ko pa ‘yong mabili?”

Malungkot na umiling si Lloyd sa ‘kin. “Unfortunately, ‘yong pinagtatayuan ng bahay n’yo noon ay kalsada na ngayon. Nasama ito sa isang proyekto ng gobyerno para mas lumawak ang daan.”

A look of shock passed over my face as I covered my opened mouth with my right hand. Gusto kong umiyak… pero para saan pa? Matagal nang wala ang bahay namin and it’s not as if the memories I had with that house were going to make me smile. In fact, it was the opposite. That house was like a torture chamber, hell or whatever. It was something that should really be destroyed.

“So back to our topic,” maingat na sabi niya, “sa bahay ni Erika kayo nagkaroon ng sagutan na nauwi sa pagkuha mo ng kahit anong pwede mong ipanakot sa kanya. It was on the spur of the moment, so you took it from your bag without realizing it was a cutter. Tapos ipinangtakot mo ‘yon kay Erika hanggang sa mapansin mong cutter pala ang hawak mo, na naging dahilan para matakot ka at bitawan mo ‘yon. Saka ka umalis ng bahay niya. And it was her plan all along, to use the argument that you two had and the fact that you pointed a cutter against her to frighten her, to make you believe you killed her.”

“Ang ibig sabihin ba no’n ay katulad lang din ito ng sa mga magulang ko? Gusto ko siyang patayin kaya akala ko talaga, pinatay ko siya?” tanong ko at tumingin si Lloyd kay Raz.

“I don’t think so. In Erika’s case, it was not necessary to have the desire to kill her,” sagot ni Raz at nangunot ang noo ko. “The reason why you thought you killed Erika was because people around you were saying that you killed her and that you’re a murderer. Remember what you’ve told us about Elizabeth, about how she treated you like a criminal. Inakusahan ka niyang mamamatay-tao, at pinaparamdam niya sa ‘yo na binabantayan niya ang lahat ng galaw mo at di ka makakatakas sa ginawa mong krimen. Idagdag mo pa ang kinikilos ni Sebastian kapag nand’yan ka. Ipinaparamdam niya rin sa ‘yo na may ginawa kang kasalanan na hindi mo naman alam. And because of them, you started to doubt yourself. You started to think that maybe you really did killed her. At lalong tumindi ang hinala mong pinatay mo nga siya dahil sa picture na pinadala niya, hindi ba?”

I nodded my head slowly and it took a while for his words to register, but when they did, the pieces immediately began falling into place.

“Humans have the ability to take something that never really happened and recognize it as their own past,” Raz continued to explain. “Dahil d’yan ay nagkakaroon tayo ng tinatawag na false memories, kung saan nakaka-recall tayo ng mga alaalang hindi naman talaga nangyari o gawa-gawa lang ng ating paniniwala—na base sa sinasabi ng ibang tao. This kind of memories proved that our environment could really affect our way of thinking and how we see ourselves.

“That’s why you had a vision of seeing Erika lying on the floor and drenched with blood. Akala mo kasi talaga, pinatay mo siya.”

This was all new to me and my mind was carefully blank. “H-hindi ko alam na posible pala ‘yong mangyari,” I mumbled in disbelief as I looked at them.

“Wag kang mag-alala,” Lloyd said with a laidback smile. “Di rin namin alam ‘yan. Si Raz lang nagturo sa ‘min ng tungkol sa false memories.”

“Specialty ko lang talaga ang science, lalo na ang field ng psychology,” Raz humbly said, his lips tugged up into a smile. “Anyway, you could also associate it with your visions as well. Di ba may mga rumors na ikaw ang pumatay sa mga magulang mo? It also affected your state of mind with regards to their death. Lalo ding nagpatibay ng hinala mo ‘yong mga maling impormasyon na binigay sa ‘yo ni Sebastian. So even if you didn’t create a lie to yourself that you considered as the truth, your memories would, because of the people around you.”

“I see.” I breathed a deep sigh and tried to smile. “Thanks for explaining everything to me, guys. So far… medyo… malinaw na sa ‘kin ang lahat. I was just glad that I didn’t kill anyone, though it would never erase the fact that I’ve caused Erika to hate me. I just wish that we could still have a chance to talk about our problems. Sa tingin ko naman, mas mabuting tao na ako ngayon kaysa dati,” I said as my eyes started to water.

“Of course you are a lot better than who you were before,” Carl smiled softly as he gave me a light pat on my left shoulder. “We all are.”

Ngumiti ako at lalong naiyak nang tumayo ako at yakapin ko sila isa-isa. The mood lightened up a bit as Raz and Lloyd started to tease Nick who could easily get pissed. Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ng pag-aasaran ay nag-aya si Nick na kumain at saka lang namin napansin na oras na pala para maghapunan. Nagpaalam si Lloyd na mauuna na dahil hinahanap na siya ng mga kapatid niya. Nick’s mom insisted that Lloyd should bring home some of what she cooked for us at hindi naman siya nakahindi.

Naging magaan ang pagpapalitan namin ng mga kwento nang maghapunan kami nang sabay-sabay. After we ate dinner, we went back to Nick’s room and Carl said that maybe it was about time to open the letter that Raul has left to us. Tatanggi sana ako kasi pwede naman ‘yong ipagpabukas kaso gusto rin nina Raz at Nick and based on majority, talo ako.

Carl was about to open the letter when I heard my phone rang. Agad silang napatingin sa ‘kin. I fished my phone out of my pocket and looked at the name flashed on my cellphone’s screen.

“Ed’s calling me,” I informed them and they fell silent, their eyes darkened a shade and their mouths were tightly shut.

“Don’t answer it,” Nick said, his voice was colder than the freezing point of water. I knitted my eyes in confusion and I was about to ask them why they reacted that way when a realization flashed inside my head.

Ed was not with us today though he was supposed to be here because he’s included in our circle of friends. Hindi nakapagtataka na wala si Ice kasi nasa ospital siya pero si Ed? Bakit nila makakalimutan ang lalaking ‘yon e ang ingay-ingay ng bunganga no’n? Saka siya kaya ang pinakaclose ko sa kanila, liban kay Yel—

My eyes widened in shock as I recalled what Carl told me earlier:

Remember that Kuya Seb’s spy was watching our every fucking move.

“Don’t tell me he was—” I started to say but Carl cutted me off.

“Yes, he was the spy that I was talking about.”

Chapter 15: To Be Hopeless

Jamie

I WAS completely taken aback that I hardly know what to think or feel. I looked at them in the eyes and their expressions remained static. I casted my eyes downwards and placed my right hand to cover my trembling lower lip, belatedly realizing that my hand was shaking as well.

Dafuck. I-is this supposed to be a joke? ‘Cause I had not seen this coming. Not at all. I mean… it just couldn’t be possible. Ed was one of my closest friends and I’ve been friends with him even before I met Lloyd, Nick, Raz and Carl. Matagal-tagal ko na siyang naging kaibigan. Hindi niya ko kayang traydorin. Hindi niya magagawa sa ‘kin ‘yon. Hindi.

‘Cause he was not that kind of person. Kilala ko ‘yon eh. Maloko ‘yon, mapagbiro, pero totoo siyang tao. Mabuti siyang tao. And if everything that he had said to me were all lies then why could I always see the sincerity in his eyes and feel the kindness of his heart when he was talking to me? If he was really the spy of Kuya Seb, then why did he shed a tear for me before? Why did he say that he loves me? Why did he make me feel like he really does? Bakit niya ko tinutulungan sa tuwing may problema ako? Those things that he had done for me were absolutely unnecessary, right?

O ginawa niya lang talaga ang lahat ng ‘yon para kunin ang tiwala ko?

I shook my head lightly, my forehead creased with confusion.

Hindi. Imposible. Hindi ‘yon totoo. Ayokong maniwala.

There must be a mistake. Right. There must be.

Baka isa ito sa mga plano ni Kuya Seb para masira ang tiwala namin sa kanya, at para magkawatak-watak na kaming magkakaibiga—

I was snapped out of my thoughts when Nick snatched the ringing phone on my hand and turned it off before he returned it to me. “Shit,” he cursed and grimaced, a hand flew on his forehead in annoyance. “We’ve totally forgotten to remind you to switch your phone off. That guy’s using GPS to track your location. At sigurado akong kanina pa niya alam na nandito ka sa bahay namin.”

“Hayaan mo na,” Carl shrugged. “It’s not like he could do anything, now that his secret has already been exposed.”

“Jamie, pasensiya ka na, hindi namin sinabi sa ‘yo ito agad,” Raz said apologetically. “As much as possible, we would like to confront him first, to know his reasons for betraying us, especially you, before we tell you about it. Kasi kahit kami, hindi rin makapaniwala no’ng unang pinaalam sa ‘min ni Carl ang tungkol rito. And knowing how close you are to him, I’m sure it would break your heart to find out the truth.”

I bit my lip and didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to speak because I was so close to crying and I wanted to be brave. I wanted to cling to the possibility that Ed was just being used, like Elizabeth. Kasi… kasi ayoko pa ring maniwala na kaya niya akong lokohin nang walang taong nag-uutos sa kanya para gawin ‘yon. If he had a choice, I’m sure he wouldn’t do something like this to us. He wouldn’t.

“Bago pa man tayo magkita no’ng unang araw nating plinanong mag-interview ng mga taong nasa listahang binigay ni Ed ay nagsabi na ako sa isang tauhan ni dad na magmatyag kung may susunod sa ‘tin o wala,” Carl started to explain and I looked at him with apprehension. “I just did that to make sure we have someone to protect us in case that fucking butler would put us in danger. I was communicating with our lookout via phone—”

“Phone?” I echoed, confusion was laced in my voice. “I thought your phone’s off just like mine?”

“No, it was an old cellular phone,” he answered, “I brought it so I could use something without worrying about being tracked by that bastard.”

“Some old cell phone models do not have GPS capability,” Nick stated clearly and I just nodded my head a bit while silently berating myself. Shit. Why didn’t it ever cross my mind? Geez. And it’s too late for me to buy an old model (probably a second hand) since I wouldn’t need it anymore.

Few seconds later, Carl resumed talking, “—and he informed me that there’s someone following us. I instructed him to know the spy’s identity without doing anything that could make it possible for the spy to notice him. At kapag nalaman niya na ang pagmumukha ng gagong sumusunod sa ‘tin ay pwede na siyang umalis dahil kapag nagtagal siya sa pagbabantay sa ‘tin ay mas mahihirapan siyang magtago do’n sa spy. So he did what I told him and the next day, naibigay niya na sa ‘kin ang pangalan ng nakita niyang sumusunod sa ‘tin. And you could imagine the shock on my face when I found out that it was Ed Ortega.”

“Baka naman kaya siya sumusunod sa ‘tin ay dahil gusto niyang malaman—”

“Ang alin? Ang magiging resulta ng pag-iinterview natin that day?” Carl asked. “Jamie, if he wasn’t up to something then why did he follow us? Pwede ka naman niyang kausapin at tanungin tungkol do’n. Saka hindi mo naman siya iniiwasan o tinataguan, kaya bakit siya maglilihim nang gano’n, di ba?”

I shut my eyes for a brief second and bit my lip. “You’re right, Carl. I—I’m sorry.” I was just trying to defend the Ed inside my head, the Ed that I know. I slowly opened my eyes and frowned. I felt as if I would be crying any moment.

“No need to apologize,” Carl said. “Although I was already beginning to suspect him because of the list of names that he had given to us, I was not really expecting that he would be that asshole’s spy. I mean, I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt after you’ve defended his side the moment I mentioned to you my suspicion about him that day, right?” Bahagya akong tumango. “Then, on the second day of our planned interview, he still followed us. Hindi na rin ako nagtaka no’ng nagpakita siya sa ‘yo, Jamie, pagkatapos kitang iwan sa restaurant no’ng nakaraan. Maybe you thought it was just a mere coincidence but no, it wasn’t. He was already at that place even before I arrived kaya mas naging determinado ako na paniwalain kang galit ako sa ‘yo because he was there, listening to us, at kung ano man ang magiging kahahantungan ng pag-uusap natin nang araw na ‘yon ay siguradong makakarating kay Sebastian.

“Nagpanggap lang ako na hindi aware para patuloy kong maobserbahan ang galaw niya. ‘Cause even if Ed and I were not that close, alam ko na close kayo sa kanya and as much as possible, I want to know if he just purposely befriended you and Ice to easily gain your trust and acquire information that could help that fucking butler to execute his plan well. Siguro naisama na lang kami sa mga kinaibigan niya just so you wouldn’t get suspicious na sa inyo lang siya nakikipaglapit.”

“Naisama lang?” Raz reiterated. “I don’t think so, Carl. Remember how knowledgeable he was about everyone in class?”

Kumunot ang noo ni Carl. “Everyone? Are you sure?”

Tumango si Raz at kinabahan ako. “Hindi ka pa ata namin no’n kilala no’ng nagkaroon ng quiz sa math na by partners. Kada matatawag na pangalan ng prof natin, kilala niya. Hindi lang pangalan ah. Ultimo, family background at skills nu’ng tao, alam niya.”

My throat felt parched as I recalled my conversation with Ed that specific day:

‘Got to admit, your overwhelming depth of knowledge about our classmates is kind of freaking me out a little.’

He shrugged and shooted me an easy smile. ‘It's kind of a habit, actually. Knowing your enemies will put you into an advantage.’

My stomach churned as my head reminded me of what he told me before he confessed his feelings for me – that profiling was his personal hobby and that led him to knowing who I was even before I actually met him. I wondered why I didn’t find it suspicious, or I did and it’s just that I didn’t want to dwell too much on those details?

“Fuck. Seriously?” di makapaniwalang tanong naman ni Nick. “I was the first one to be called that day so I didn’t hear him. All I know was that he knew about our math prof’s style in giving surprise quiz.”

Raz’s eyes lit up in realization. “Shit. Baka alam niya rin pati ang tungkol sa lahat ng professor natin! So ibig sabihin, kahit hindi tayo ang maging kaibigan nina Jamie at Ice sa klase ay siguradong madali pa rin sa kanya ang makibagay sa kanila.”

“What the fuck,” Carl said in alarm. “That would mean that even before the semester had started, magkasabwat na ang dalawang iyon.” He paused for a moment as he put his arms on his hips and sighed deeply. “Hindi ko maisip kung bakit nakipag-team up siya sa demonyong ‘yon,” he continued as he shook his head a bit, his forehead was creased with dejection. “Why did he work for that asshole? His family’s rich; his dad owned Ortega Soft, right? So hindi niya kailangan ng pera. I tried to research about him but I failed. He had already hidden all information about him, probably even before he started cooperating with Sebastian ‘cause I couldn’t find anything related to him at all.”

“Well, what could we expect from a hacker like him?” Nick shrugged. “He’s extremely good in computers so it was only natural that we couldn’t do anything to find something stored in a computer or on the internet that we could use to know more about him. At di rin naman tayo makakapagtanung-tanong dahil kailangan muna natin ng kahit konting info about him bago natin magawa 'yon.”

Raz sighed and folded his arms against his chest. “Alright, maybe he was someone that we must never underestimate but guys, let’s focus on what is important and that’s the truth about what happened twelve years ago. Kapag tuluyan na nating nalaman ang tungkol do’n, sa tingin n’yo ba may magagawa pa sila laban sa ‘tin?”

“Raz’s right,” Carl said, as he said calmly; relief could be spelled out from his fate, “kaya buksan na natin ‘yung—”

“Wait,” Nick stopped him. “We’re forgetting about Jamie.” Tumingin siya sa ‘kin at makikita sa mukha niya ang pag-aalala. “Ayos ka lang ba?”

Hindi ako sumagot.

“Sorry,” Raz said in an apologetic tone. “We’re too caught up with our discussion that we’ve forgotten to consider about your feelings.”

“It’s fine,” wala sa loob na sabi ko. “Wala naman kayong ginawang masama.” I tried to smile at them. “Siguro… hindi lang talaga madali sa ‘kin na matanggap ang tungkol kay Ed.” I hate how my voice sounded so broken.

“You don’t have to force yourself to accept it immediately,” Carl uttered. “We know it’s going to be hard for you. Ang mahalaga lang naman sa ngayon ay malaman mo ang katotohanan tungkol sa kanya para makapag-ingat ka.”

Tumango ako bilang pagsang-ayon sa sinabi ni Carl at ngumiti naman siya nang bahagya.

Raz’s eyes landed on Nick and Carl as he said, “I guess we should just open the letter tomorrow para makapagpahinga na tayo.”

“Baka gusto n’yong dito na matulog?” aya ni Nick. “May mga guest room naman kami dito sa bahay.”

“Good idea,” sabi ni Carl. “Nakakapagod na ring bumyahe eh.”

“P-pero—” I started to say in hesitation when Nick interrupted.

“You don’t have to worry, Jamie. Hiwa-hiwalay naman ‘yong mga guest room kaya walang manggugulo sa ‘yo. Airconditioned din ‘yon.”

“It’s better if you’d stay here than go back to the Perez mansion,” sabi naman ni Raz. “We’d never know what Sebastian would do to you, now that they probably know that their plan had failed.”

“Sige, dito na lang ako makikitulog ngayong gabi,” sagot ko. “Pero ang iniisip ko ay kung saan ako titira bukas. It’s not like I could still go back to that mansion. Nu’ng umalis kasi ako do’n no’ng umaga, nag-iwan na ako ng resignation letter sa kwarto ko kasi akala ko nga, sa presinto na ako matutulog ngayong gabi.”

Inakbayan ako ni Nick. He smiled at me and there was an understanding look in his eyes. “Com’on, don’t talk like that. Meron ka pa rin namang bahay na pwedeng balikan at uwian 'no.”

“Anong bahay ang sinasabi mo?” I asked him. “Di ba nga wala nang—”

“Sa’n ka ba nakatira bago ka tumira kina Ice? Di ba sa bahay ni Lola Salome?” Raz reminded me and I carefully nodded my head though I was still not sure what they’re trying to tell me. “E di do’n ka namin ihahatid bukas.”

“Pero di ba nasa—”

“Ihahatid ka namin do’n pagkatapos nating sunduin si Lola Salome mula sa Home for the Aged,” Carl clarified. “You just need to sign a few documents tapos kami na ang bahala. I’m sure she’d be happy to see you again. Isa pa, magiging malaking tulong ang pagtira n’yo ulit sa iisang bahay para mabalik na sa ‘yo isa-isa ang mga alaala n’yong dalawa.”

Napangiti ako at para akong maiiyak sa sinabi nila. “Pinag-isipan n’yo talaga ‘to ‘no?” I said as we grouphugged.

“Di naman, gusto lang naming makatulong,” paliwanag ni Raz. “Isa pa, tinulungan din naman kami ni lola na mapadali ang pagre-research namin sa nakaraan mo kaya gusto rin naming sumaya siya.”

“At sino pa bang makakapagpasaya sa kanya kundi ikaw, di ba?” hirit ni Nick. I nodded my head a tear eventually fell from my eye.

I WAS both excited and nervous when Carl, Nick, Raz and I got out of the car and looked at an old two storey house with a HOME FOR THE AGED signage, written in silver letters, on its entrance gate. (Lloyd couldn’t come with us today because of his part time job.)

Pinagpaliban namin ang pagbubukas ng mga sulat kaninang umaga dahil gusto nilang unahin muna namin ang pagsundo kay Lola Salome. Maaga rin kasi kami pinapapunta no'ng tagapamahala, sabi ni Nick, eh nakakahiya namang pag-antayin sila saka ang kukupad pa naman kumilos ng mga lalaking ito. Tapos late pa sila nagising kaya kinulang na kami sa oras na unahin pa ang mga sulat. Muntik ko pa ngang makalimutang magsuklay dahil sa sobrang pagmamadali.

Lumapit si Carl sa isang lalaking nasa mid 30s na nakauniporme ng pang-security guard at pagkalipas ng ilang sandali ay sinamahan na niya kami patungo sa loob. Tapos may ipinakilala siya sa aming matandang babae na tagapamahala raw ng lugar. We greeted the old woman, who preferred to be called ‘Nay Lisa’, politely and afterwards, she ushered us to Lola Salome’s room. Lalong tumindi ang nerbyos ko nang huminto siya sa isang silid at kumatok nang bahagya bago niya binuksan ang pinto.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I noticed six old women were resting in the room which was just a little bit bigger than my own room in the Perez mansion. May isang nakauniporme nang pang-nurse ang busy-ng busy sa pag-asikaso sa isang matandang umiiyak na nakaharap ang likod sa kinaroroonan namin.

“April, halika muna rito sandali,” Nay Lisa said as she called the nurse’s attention by waving her hand to ask her to come forward. Nang lumapit na ang nurse ay ipinakilala siya sa amin ni Nay Lisa at sinabi niyang ito ang in-charge kay Lola Salome at sa iba pang matatanda na nasa silid na iyon. Then April greeted us, a smile of relief was evident on her face as Nay Lisa carefully explained to her the reason why we’re here. Couldn’t blame her though. Isang malaking ginhawa sa trabaho niya ang pagkabawas ng isang matanda sa listahan ng mga kailangan niyang alagaan.

Maya-maya ay sinamahan na kami ni April sa isang matanda na nakatingin sa labas ng bintana. Nang lumingon sa ‘min si Lola Salome ay agad siyang tumingin sa ‘kin. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya na parang hindi siya makapaniwala sa nakikita niya.

“Jamie!” sigaw niya pagkatapos ng ilang sandali bago siya dali-daling lumapit sa ‘kin at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. The familiarity of her voice sent a wave of nostalgia through me that was almost crushing. Lalo na nang makita ko siya nang malapitan. There was this overwhelming desire within me to trace the wrinkles surrounding her eyes and creasing her forehead, thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would help me remember her more clearly. “Bumalik ka! Akala ko hindi mo na ako babalikan. Akala ko kinalimutan mo na ako,” sabi niya pa at narinig ko siyang umiyak. Naiyak na rin tuloy ako.

“S-sorry po,” I muttered, my voice trapped in my throat, as I hugged her back. “Sorry po kung nakalimutan ko kayo. Sorry po talaga, lola. Sorry po.” I couldn’t weave more words that could further explain how I feel or what I should say to her. That moment, all I could think of was to apologize to her over and over again, for a million and one things she did for me which I just took for granted, which I have forgotten and left unreciprocated, and for a million and one things I never told her before, like saying thank you for saving me from my hellish life. If it weren’t for her, I might be a real criminal or a monster, trapped in the cruelty of my past.

And I realized that maybe… the reason why I had forgotten about her was because she was a part of the past that I was desperately trying to delete from my life, or at least from my memory. I’ve created a lie within myself that I have a happy family and firmly believed it was the truth. And because of that lie, her presence was no longer necessary. Because she was my savior, and based on my perception, I was no longer in a situation where I needed to be saved.

“Hindi ka na nagbago, iyakin ka pa rin,” natatawa-tawang sabi ni Lola Salome nang humiwalay siya sa ‘kin at pahirin niya ang mga luha sa mga mata ko gamit ng kanyang mga kulubot nang mga kamay.

“Iyakin din naman po kayo, Lola Salome,” pabirong sabi ni Raz at napangiti din ang iba pa naming kaibigan.

“Medyo lang,” kwelang sabi ni lola bago siya ngumiti at nagtawanan naman sina Nick.

“Oo nga pala, lola,” sabi ni Nick. “Andito kami para sunduin ka.”

“Opo, lola. Uuwi na po tayo sa bahay natin,” I managed to say and her smile widened.

“Talaga?” di makapaniwalang tanong niya sa ‘kin. “Ibig sabihin ba niyan ay hindi mo na ulit ako iiwan?”

Umiling ako. “Hindi na po. Kahit kailan. Pangako po ‘yan.”

Nagulat kami nang magpalakpakan ‘yong ilang matatanda sa silid na iyon. Nakikinig pala sila sa ‘min. Hindi ko man lang napansin. Nakangiti na lang ako at bahagyang natawa.

“I FELT that I’ve been here before,” I said, smiling, as we entered Lola Salome’s house.

“Malamang, dito ka nakatira dati eh!” natatawang sabi ni Nick sabay pabirong hinampas niya ang balikat ko.

“Jamie, dito ang kwarto mo. Naku, dinapuan na ng alikabok ang laptop mo d’yan sa higaan,” Lola Salome told me in a calm and warm tone.

“Wah! Oo nga!” di makapaniwalang sabi ko bago ako nagmamadaling pumasok sa loob ng silid at agad na kinuha ang laptop ko para alisin ang mga alikabok rito bago ko ito buksan. Habang naghihintay sa pagbubukas nito ay napatingin ako kina Raz at agad ko silang sinaway nang tuwang-tuwa silang tinitignan ang mga underwear ko sa drawer.

“Isasara n’yo ‘yan o ihahagis ko sa inyo itong laptop?” I scowled.

“I never thought you like polka dot underwears,” Carl mused, his voice sounded serious as usual, though he failed in trying to hide the glint of delight in his eyes. Nick and Raz cracked up and I glared dangers at them before I pinched their ears one by one in annoyance.

CARL was about to order our lunch to be delivered at Lola Salome’s house using his phone when his smile froze. “Fuck,” madiin niyang sabi kaya agad kaming napatingin sa kanya. “I got three missed calls last night at ngayon ko lang napansin.”

Magtatanong sana ako kung sino ‘yong na-miss niya ang tawag kagabi nang idikit niya sa tenga niya ang cellphone niya. Mukhang siya na ang tumawag sa taong tinutukoy niya.

“Hello? Yes, it’s me,” he said, his voice sounded strained. Then there’s a long pause before he talked again, his eyes wide in alarm. “What? But how could that—” He stopped and gritted his teeth. “Sana kasi hindi n’yo ko tinigilan kagabi hangga’t hindi ko nasasagot, di ba?” Kinakabahan na ako. Mukhang galit na si Carl. Ano ba kasing pinag-uusapan nila ng kausap niya? Anong nangyayari? May problema na naman ba?

Carl sighed deeply before he said, “Call me immediately when you found her location, alright?” Tapos tumango-tango siya bago siya nagpaalam at pinutol na niya ang tawag.

“What happened?” tanong ni Nick.

He looked at us, there’s a frown etched on his face. “We’ve got a problem. Tumakas si Elizabeth mula sa bodyguard na pinadala ni dad.”

“What?” gulat na tanong ni Raz. “But why would she do that? Hindi niya ba alam na del—”

“She left a letter on her room at nakasaad do’n na matagal niya nang alam na buhay pa ang half sister niyang Erika. And that fucking means one thing—”

“We’ve been fooled and everything that happened was still according to Sebastian’s plan,” Nick said bitterly as he clenched his fist and hit the dining table in annoyance.

“No, it can’t be,” di makapaniwalang sabi ko. Tumayo ako at dali-daling kinuha sa dala kong bag ‘yong letter na binigay ni Raul. “We still have this, right?” I said, trying to revive the hope that escaped from their features. “At meron pang letter sa ‘yo mula kay Mr. Torres kaya—”

Natigilan ako nang agawin ni Carl mula sa kamay ko ang sulat at binuksan niya ang sobre at inunat ang nakatuping sulat. Nakita kong nanginginig ang mga kamay niya habang ginagawa niya ‘yon. At lalong nagdilim ang mga mukha niya nang tuluyan niya nang mabasa ang laman no’n. Nilapag niya iyon nang may pwersa at nakaunat sa lamesa at tuluyan akong nawalan ng pag-asa sa aking nakita:

Nice try. –Sebastian

Chapter 16: To Be A Part Of The Game

Jamie

“JUST when I thought we’ve finally outwitted that bastard—” Carl groaned, bitterness and dismay were evident in his voice. Madiin ang kanyang pagkakahawak sa kabubukas lang na sobreng naglalaman ng sulat mula kay Mr. Torres na halos katulad lang ng naunang sulat.

Nick expelled a deep sigh. “I couldn’t believe he had foreseen your plan, man,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa kaibigan.

“No, I don't think he did,” Raz argued, his voice sounded uncertain, like he was also trying to convince himself that Kuya Seb didn’t. “That night, he must have noticed that Raul and his mom, as well as Mr. Torres, were hiding something from him, and based on how Carl described them to us before, they’re not really good at lying, so when that asshole threatened them, they’ve got no choice but to bring out their respective letters, thus giving him enough time to completely destroy them.” His tone turned into a confident one, like he was acknowledging that there’s a big probability that what he’s saying was right. Then he shot Carl a glance and continued, “tapos gumawa siya ng panibagong mga sulat na iniwan niya sa kani-kanilang mga bahay based on your instructions.”

Carl slowly nodded his head, looking convinced. “You’ve got a point. He probably did that to let us assume that he’s still in full control of the situation and to cover the fact that we’ve almost won against him.”

“Well, defeat is the very last thing a man as conceited as him is willing to admit,” Nick said, his shoulders more relaxed and a laidback smile tugged on his lips, “no matter how small it is.”

A sigh of relief escaped from my lips as I watched the anxiety and panic in their features vanish in midair, hence making me notice the glaze in their eyes which assured me that no matter how impossible it was to defeat Kuya Seb, they wouldn’t give up—which was the exact thing I wanted them to do. For the truth lies on the little hope we have in our hearts and it was only going to see the light of the day if we never stopped doing everything that we could, to rescue it from the shroud of darkness that was purposely created by the people who wanted it to remain buried in the past.

“Couldn’t say it was small, though,” sabi ko at tumingin sila sa ‘kin. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at them with determination in my eyes. “Remember that you guys proved to me that I was not a criminal and that I didn’t kill anyone in my life. Ever. That’s already a serious blow in their plan because they could no longer use or torment me. Lalo pa’t alam ko nang buhay si Erika, at posibleng hinahayaan ni Elizabeth na gamitin siya ng half sister niya para makapaghiganti sa ‘kin. Knowing those things would prevent me from taking the wrong course of action that could possibly put them into an advantage.”

“You’re right,” Nick uttered. “Another thing is we already know that Ed’s in his team so he could no longer use any tactics to deceive us. We’ve become more certain of our actions since we already know who to trust and who to dou—”

“Hindi tayo makasisiguro sa bagay na ‘yan,” Carl cutted him off. “There’s plenty of people that fucking butler could use against us. Like, Ice, for example,” he added as he eyed me sharply. My muscles tensed and horror flashed across my face.

“Then I would talk to Ice,” I told him, hearing the tremor laced in my voice. “I’m sure he would believe me once I informed him about what’s happening.”

“No, relaying to him about this would be too dangerous, Jamie,” sagot ni Carl. “Think about his mental health.” I bit my lip and casted my eyes downwards. “Do you think knowing about what’s happening would make him better? No, it would make him worse. We shouldn’t trouble him at all, especially when he’s trying his best to cure his illnesses.”

“Then what should I do?” I asked, a tight knot of anxiety form in my stomach.

“Visit him, as frequent as you could,” Carl suggested, his voice remained serious. “So that asshole wouldn’t get a chance to poison his mind—that is if it’s not yet poisoned before.”

“I don’t like what you’re trying to say, Carl,” I spat, meeting his gaze with a glare. Alam ko naman na tama siya pero ayoko pa rin ‘yung paraan niya ng pagkakasabi ng tungkol sa bagay na iyon.

“We couldn’t simply dismiss that idea, Jamie,” he muttered. “After all, he had been with Sebastian for a long time and that bastard’s really cunning. Who knows what he did to make him forget about what happened twelve years ago?”

“You’ve got a point, Carl,” Raz butted in. “But please don’t underestimate the bond between them. I’m pretty sure that Ice wouldn’t hide anything he knew from Jamie. He trusts her more than anyone else now.”

“Alright,” Carl said calmly. “Anyway, I guess we should plan what we should do next, now that we’ve already lost our chance to know what Mrs. Salazar and Mr. Torres knew about the case.”

“Raz and I would cooperate with our frat friends to find out anyone who has a grudge against Ed so we could gather information that we could use against him,” sagot ni Nick. “We could also ask someone from our fraternity to closely monitor him so we could know who are the persons he frequently interacts with.”

“Sige,” sabi ni Carl. “Patuloy naman akong maghahanap ng mga taong posibleng may nalalaman sa nangyari twelve years ago. I believe that Sebastian couldn’t have possibly sealed everyone’s mouth. Meron at merong taong lilitaw na makatutulong sa ‘tin.”

“I would talk to Paris,” I managed to say and they looked at me with knitted brows, like they couldn’t believe I would say something as ridiculous as that. “Hindi ko nabanggit sa inyo na okay na kaming dalawa. I think it’s not that bad of an idea to ask her what she knew about Ed. Imposibleng makalagpas sa mga mata niya ang mga ginagawa ng lalaking ‘yon.”

“I get your point,” Carl said in a frown, “pero pa’no kung kakampi rin nila ang babaeng ‘yon?”

“Oo nga,” pagsang-ayon naman ni Nick. “That woman’s blindly in love with Ed so it’s not surprising to suspect that she wouldn’t pass on any information to you that could put him into disadvantage.”

Sumimangot ako at pinaningkitan ko sila ng mga mata. “Wala namang mawawala kung susubukan ko, di ba? After all, it’s up to me whether I would believe whatever she would say or not. The most important thing is, I tried to consider the possibility that she could help us unravel Kuya Seb’s plan with Ed.”

Carl shrugged, a brief smile appeared from his lips. “Do what you want. It’s not like we could say anything that was going to change your mind,” he said, his eyes glinted with amusement and I smiled at him and then to Nick and Raz whose faces were already etched with a grin.

“SO you’ve finally found out that Ed’s working for Sebastian, huh?” Paris muttered before she lit a cigarette with a lighter she fished from her bag—the act was enough to make my eyes wide with shock. I didn’t expect that she’s the type of girl who smokes. Well, it’s not like I expected that she would agree to talk to me as soon as I gave her a ring. Honestly, she sounded as if she was waiting for me to call her and ask her about him. And the confidence in her tone made me realize that she really knew a lot of things about Kuya Seb’s plan with Ed. Though it was still a question whether she would spill it to me or not.

It was just two in the afternoon and we’re sitted outside Starbucks at a mall in Quezon Ave., our frappes still left untouched. Pinagmasdan ko ang usok na lumabas sa kanyang bibig at hanggang ngayon ay naninibago pa rin ako sa ikinikilos niya. It’s as if she changed. Or is it the real her I was seeing right now?

“Since when did you know about it?” I asked tentatively as I watched her lips curled up into a smirk.

“Since it started,” sagot niya bago siya humithit ulit ng sigarilyo. “I was part of Seb’s plan after all.”

“What?” I asked in a disbelieving voice. “Then why—”

“Well, I was already done with my part,” she answered with a shrug, “and I grew tired of helping them out. Also, when we talked in the hospital, I was convinced that you’re not really the person I thought you are. Rather, you’re not who they led me to believe you are.” Humithit ulit siya sa sigarilyo bago siya tumayo saglit upang patayin ang sindi nito at itapon sa basurahan. Nang makabalik na siya sa kanyang upuan ay saka siya humigop sa frappe niya.

“Done with your part?” I echoed, my brows knitted with confusion. “W-what do you mean?”

“Chill. I’ll explain to you everything that I know, okay?” She shot me an easy smile an expression of utter gratefulness crossed my face. “Though keep in mind that I couldn’t guarantee that what I knew could help you out.”

“Any information’s alright. Really,” I told her, my heart’s racing in tension, and she nodded her head and said “okay” before she sipped from her drink before she started to talk.

“Ed was hired by Sebastian to watch over you and Ice’s every move outside the Perez mansion, especially in St. Aldhelm. You could say that Ed was Sebastian’s second pair of eyes since it was impossible for him to monitor the two of you, given the fact that he has plenty of work to be taken care of.”

I sighed and grimaced as I took my frappe and sipped a bit before I said, “So the reason why there were some instances where he made me feel like he was keeping an eye on me was because he didn’t want me to think that there’s already someone else who’s doing the job for him.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Paris said with a nod. “And his purpose was to make sure that no one would influence the two of you in finding out what happened twelve years ago.”

“Just what exactly happened twelve years ago? Did he tell you anything about it?”

Paris shook her head lightly and frowned. “Sorry, I don’t know. He never told us anything about it, at all. Gano’n siya kaingat.” Her eyes landed on the table before she sighed a bit and sipped from his coffee. “But…” her voice trailed away into silence and I caught her glance at me, the expression in her eyes was unsure and hesitant.

“But?” I asked, curiously.

“I have a feeling that the secret that he has been desperately trying to protect with all his might was something that shouldn’t be known,” she explained in a serious tone. “Because finding the truth would probably put everyone involve with the incident in despair.”

“Those who were involved had suffered enough and the truth was the closure they needed to move on. Isa pa, naniniwala kami na makakatulong ang pag-alam ng mga tunay na nangyari sa sakit ni Ice.”

“Well, it’s just a hunch.” She leaned on her chair and smiled. “Anyway, balik tayo kay Ed.” Tumango naman ako. “As you may already know, profiling and playing video or computer games are Ed’s hobbies. At ‘yong mga hobby niyang iyon ang ginamit ni Sebastian para kumbinsihin siya na makipag-cooperate sa plano nito. Aside from earning his own money, he could have a chance to be someone else—like a character in a game.”

“Game?” I asked and I thought that word alone was horrifying.

“Yes. To Ed, this was all just a game that he usually plays. Only this time, it’s 3D.”

“That’s… that’s ridiculous,” I mumbled, my tone was tight and disbelieving, as I stifled a laugh.

“I know it’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. He’s a game geek and one of his strateges to win any match was to deceive his co-players to gain their trust and used it against them.”

My heart sank as I inhaled sharply, my head was filled with Ed—the Ed that I know. The Ed that didn’t really exist in the first place. For he was just a persona that the real Ed played in order to make his task easier.

“I also played a particular character based on Sebastian’s plan, or script—in my case,” she added and my eyes widened as she showed me her identification card. Agad akong tumingin sa kanya at nagtanong, “You’re originally studying at St. Mary?”

“Yes,” she answered before she hid her ID in her pocket and slid in into her bag.

“At kaklase ko si Rona na pumayag na gamitin ni Sebastian ang identity niya para makapasok si Elizabeth sa St. Aldhelm. Though of course, may kapalit iyon. Hindi ko lang alam kung ano since we’re not that close.” Humigop ulit siya sa frappe niya saka siya nagpatuloy. “Alam ni Sebastian na gusto kong kumuha ng Theater Arts bilang major next year so he encouraged me to test my acting skills,” based on our curriculum, students would automatically be required to take general subjects in their freshmen year before they could have the privilege to chose their college and specific course, “in exchange for a recommendation to be included in the elite class that would be trained by one of the most famous theatrical companies in the Philippines.”

“Kuya Seb really knows how to make people say yes to him,” I commented and she gave me a knowing smirk.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Paris uttered. “And oh,” her eyes lit up as a sudden realization strike her, “he must’ve chosen me because he also knew that Ed and I were dating.”

“W-what?!” gulat na gulat na tanong ko. Tumawa siya nang bahagya.

“Just as I thought. You’d be totally surprised to hear that,” nakangiti niyang sabi, “since what you knew was I’m Ed’s childhood friend who went back to the Philippines to capture his heart once again, like an obsessed character from a cliché story.”

“K-kung gano’n, hindi ka talaga galing sa New York?”

Tumango siya. “No, I’ve been here ever since I was born. Few years back, my parents asked me to live with them in New York but I refused because I wanted to pursue my dreams in the Philippines, not to mention that Ed begged me not to leave him.” She rolled her eyes and smiled. “That bastard’s pretty useless without me. Ako na nga lang ata ang nagtiya-tiyaga sa kawirduhan niya eh.”

She laughed softly and I still couldn’t get over from what she said. Seriously? Even if I don’t have any feelings for Ed, I couldn’t help but to feel hurt knowing that all I knew about them were lies.

“Anyway, my role was made to find out whether Ice could heal himself if he falls in love with me and if he did, your help would no longer needed and thus, you have no choice but to resign. It is also my role to reveal your secret in St. Aldhelm so everyone, especially Ice would detest you. Gusto kasi ni Sebastian na magkaroon siya ng rason para kumbinsihin sina Sherry at Ice na alisin ka na sa buhay nila, knowing that you’re already influenced by Carl to know more about the Perez family. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen kasi nang dahil sa mga ginawa ko, na-realize ni Ice na may gusto siya sa ‘yo at handa siyang tanggapin na babae ka kahit na niloko mo siya tungkol sa tunay mong kasarian.”

“K-kasama din ba sa role ni Ed ang magpanggap na may gusto siya sa ‘kin?” I forced the words out of my mouth. I already know the answer to my question but there’s something within me that just wanted to make sure I was right.

She pressed her lips into a tight line, a pang of sympathy was in her voice as she answered, “Y-yes. He wanted to justify the fact that he’s interested in knowing you more than anyone else. Because if not, his acts would raise suspicion from the others. Also, he wanted make sure that you’d completely get comfortable when you’re with him so that he could easily predict your actions.”

I could hear the pain in my voice as I said, “I see,” and forced myself to smile though there’s nothing to smile about, especially when your heart’s getting crushed by the reality.

“I’m sorry for telling you about these things, Jamie,” Paris said, apologetically. “Alam mo, kung alam ko lang na hindi ka pala talaga masamang tao, hindi sana ako sumali sa plano ni Sebastian.”

“No, it’s fine. I asked you to tell me what you know about this, after all.”

“Hindi naman magiging kumplikado ang lahat kung hindi nakisali ang babaeng ‘yon eh,” sabi niya at may bigat ang mga salitang binitawan niya.

“S-sinong tinutukoy mo?” I asked though I already have an idea who she was talking about.

“Si Erika Estacio, ‘yung ex-best friend mo, na adopted daughter ng empleyado ng dad ko,” she answered quickly.

“W-what?”

“Nakakaloka, hindi ba? Henry Estacio’s working in Heidelberg Financial,” paliwanag niya at saka ko lang naalala ‘yong business card na binigay sa ‘kin no’ng matandang lalaking kapitbahay nina Elizabeth!

“Anyway, kung iisipin mong mabuti, wala namang galit sa ‘yo si Sebastian,” pagpapatuloy niya sa sinasabi niya kanina. “His goals were to keep the incident twelve years ago a secret and to stay you away from the Perez family because your existence was already a threat to him. It was not in his original plan to torment you to the extent of accusing you of being a criminal. It was her idea, kasi gusto niyang maghiganti sa ‘yo. She told us that you’re wicked—the lowest of all the human beings, and that you’ve ruined her life and of those people around you. Sumang-ayon lang si Sebastian kahit na alam niyang hindi naman totoo ang lahat ng sinasabi ng Erika na ‘yon kasi mas mapapadali ang pagsasakatuparan ng plano niya kung magagamit niya ito. And of course, hinayaan ni Sebastian na maniwala ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ni Erika so that I could perform my role well. Mautak talaga ‘yong gagong ‘yon eh.”

She sighed and sipped from her frappe before she continued to explain, “Seriously, upon realizing what kind of person you really are, I could say that girl’s gone nuts.” She shook her head in displeasure and sighed again. “She’s the living proof that jealousy drives people mad—”

“No, I—I think I’ve really done something to earn her hate.”

“Pero kahit anong klase ng sakit ang ibigay sa ‘tin ng ibang tao, nasa sa atin pa rin naman kung magpapaapekto tayo o hindi eh. Kung totoong sinira mo ang buhay niya, sana gumawa siya ng paraan para ayusin ito. May kakayahan siya na gawin ‘yon pero hindi niya lang ginagawa because she was under the impression that the only way to make her feel better and to pull herself together was to take her revenge on you and see you suffer in the pits of hell—which was twisted, if you’d ask me. Saka isipin mo, ginamit niya pati ‘yong walang kamalay-malay niyang half sister para lang saktan ka. Hindi na siya naawa do’n sa tao na kung tutuusin ay hindi naman involved sa inyong dalawa. Palibhasa, nilamon na siya ng galit niya sa ‘yo kaya wala na siyang pakialam kung sa paanong paraan siya makakaganti sa ‘yo, na lubos naman na ikinatutuwa ni Sebastian dahil ang mga taong tulad niya ang madaling paikutin sa kanyang palad,” she said as she rolled her eyes.

“So Elizabeth agreed to Erika’s plan—”

“Yes, because she wanted to get close to her. Only child siya, if I remember it correctly, and she really wanted to please that bitch, not realizing that Erika’s already broken and that she doesn’t really give a shit about her.”

My fingers tightened around my cup of frappe as I inhaled roughly, a flash of hurt glimpsed from my eyes. Hindi ko maiwasang maawa kay Elizabeth at mainis sa pagtrato sa kanya ni Erika. Just because Elizabeth was her half sister doesn’t mean that Erika has the right to use her. She was not a thing to be used.

“Paris,” I said as I looked at her in the eye. My voice sounded edgy and broken. “Ayos lang ba talaga na sinasabi mo ang lahat ng ito sa ‘kin?”

“Yes, think of it as my way of returning the trust you’ve given to me and the kindness that you’ve showed to me, without having an idea that I was one of the people who were deceiving you before. Isa pa, naniniwala ako na hindi ko kailangan ng recommendation para matupad ang pangarap ko. Life’s a game and winning is a lot better if you won’t use a cheat engine, right?” sabi niya habang natatawa nang bahagya. May tumulo nang mga luha sa mga mata niya at ramdam ko rin na malapit na akong maiyak.

“Gusto kong makausap si Erika… pati na rin si Ed.”

“Of course you do, dear,” she said with a forced smile hanging on her lips. Pinahid niya na rin nang pasimple ang mga mata niyang basa ng luha. “It’s just a matter of time. Naniniwala ako na may hangganan ang pagiging duwag niya at hahangarin niyang siya mismo ang magbigay sa ‘yo ng sakit na gusto niyang maranasan mo.”

“These past few weeks, I’ve experienced a lot of things that preparing for the worst was already a piece of cake for me,” sabi ko at napangiti siya nang mas natural kaysa kanina.

“Then, would you like to talk to Ed, first? He’s already here.”

Chapter 17: To Be Human

Jamie

“…RIGHT from the start,” Paris added and I could feel my chest tightening as her voice registered in my head. I froze and felt my fingers were icy around the cup I was holding. I wanted to breathe, but couldn’t. Like there’s something blocking my air passage.

I knew I should’ve expected this since he’s a damn good spy and a hell of a liar who wouldn’t dare miss this opportunity to see the face of someone he fooled—the face of someone he defeated—with his so-called ‘game’ that was my life.

But I couldn’t.

In fact, his presence would make things worse because afterwards I would have the ‘closure’ I was afraid would come. I knew I was contradicting myself but sometimes, there are things you want to happen, though at the same time, you don’t—like hearing the truth from the very person who toyed your feelings and regarded them as nothing but a prerequisite to win.

Someone snorted with laughter and my body tensed. “Why did you have to tell her I was here?” Ed said in a casual tone as he slowly walked to our direction. Galing siya sa loob ng Starbucks at may ngisi siyang nakakaloko sa kanyang labi. Naupo siya sa isang bakanteng upuan sa mesa namin at nag-inat bago siya sumandal sa upuan. “Things are a lot better when not explained, you know.”

Paris rolled her eyes and stood up with an angry face. “Things are a lot better if you stop being a jerk, you fucking piece of shit!” she snapped as she forcefully kicked the chair he’s sitting on. Kaya ayun, natumba si Ed kasama ng upuan at kung di niya naipansalag ang mga braso niya sa kanyang ulo ay tumama na ito sa semento.

“Aray! Why the fuck did you do that?!” galit na sabi ni Ed habang pilit itinatayo ang sarili. Nang makatayo na siya ay pinagpagan niya ang kanyang mga braso at napapikit sa sakit nang mahawakan niya ang galos na natamo niya sa pagkakabagsak.

“Kulang pa ‘yan,” Paris said as she closed her fist. “Kulang pa ‘yan sa lahat ng sakit na ibinigay mo kay Jamie.” May diin ang bawat salitang binitawan niya ngunit parang walang narinig ang kanyang kausap na busy pa rin sa pag-intindi sa mga galos nito.

“Apologize to her,” she went on. “Now!”

Ed rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance. “How many times do I have to tell you that it’s not my fault that she let her guard down and hurt herself?” halos pasigaw niyang sabi bago niya dahan-dahang pinihit ang ulo niya sa ‘king direksyon. “I don’t owe you an apology,” he said coldly as his deep, penetrating eyes pierced my soul. “Winners don’t apologize for winning. All they do is laugh at losers who can’t get over the fact that they lost t—”

I slapped him hard in the face as I bitterly pursed by lips and met his gaze with all the animosity I could muster. “You’re the worst.” I forced the words out of my trembling lips and felt tears stained my cheeks.

Ngumisi siya at hinawakan ang parte ng kanyang pisnging sinampal ko. “I don’t give a damn about anyone’s opinion, especially if she happens to be a certified loser like you.” His grin widened and his stifled laughter spread through the air like an airborne virus.

Agad lumapit si Paris sa kanya at kwinelyuhan ito at tinitigan nang masama. “Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon kaya kong tanggapin ang lahat ng kagaguhan mo sa buhay, Ed. Why are you still doing what Sebastian’s telling you? Haven’t you realized it already? Jamie’s not the ba—”

“In a game, it’s not important whether you’re on the good side or not,” Ed answered and a mischievous smirk made its way to his lips and attached like a thread. “What matters is win—”

“Then all I have to do,” I interfered and they looked at me, “is win, right?” I nodded my head lightly and with a glaze of determination in my eyes, I went on, “Then prepare yourself to lose, Ed. Kasi kahit anong gawin n’yo ng mga kasama mo, hinding-hindi n’yo kami mapipigilan sa pag-alam ng mga tunay na nagyari twelve years ago.”

I acted as if I was courageous and strong. I acted as if all the memories I had with him didn’t bother me anymore. I acted as if I already have buried him from the deepest part of my head. And right then I realized, I have mastered the art of putting an act. Of pretending. And maybe it’s one of my defense mechanisms. One that I would always use to lessen the pain I had inside me.

I had no choice. I needed to be the courageous and strong person I pretended to be, because I don’t want to be laughed at for being weak—especially by him. I wanted to show him I could use his belief against him to make him realize he made a big mistake when he decided to betray me and our so-called friendship.

Something flickered across his eyes. It wasn’t guilt or regret. It wasn’t a shit, I might really lose to her expression. It was amusement.

PAUWI na ako nang maalala kong buksan ang cellphone ko. Hindi na naman mahalaga kung ma-track nila ang location ko o hindi. I sighed as I saw Ms. Sherry and Ice’s names in my numerous missed calls list. Alam kong mumurahin ako nang matindi ni Ice once I called him back. I made him worry which I shouldn’t. But I don’t have the courage to call him right at this moment. I felt gloomy and I don’t want my mood to affect our conversation.

I sighed and wondered about what Ms. Sherry was thinking when she called me. She must have been shocked to find out that I suddenly quit my job. Alam ko na dapat kinausap ko siya nang personal tungkol sa pag-alis ko pero ayoko siyang makitang masaktan. Naging napakabait niya sa ‘kin at kung magkakaroon siguro ako ng pagkakataon na baguhin ang buhay ko, gusto ko siyang maging ate sa isang mundong hindi kailangang maging perpekto ngunit totoo.

A part of me wanted to give her a call, hindi ngayon, kundi bukas o sa susunod na araw, para humingi ng tawad pero mas namayani sa ‘kin ‘yong ideyang hindi makabubuti na magkaroon pa ako ng koneksyon sa kanya. Not until this was all over.

I blew a sigh and checked my unread messages and opened the recent one. It was send a few hours ago. It’s from Lloyd.

I will try my best to give a hand in spite my busy schedule. Maliban sa klase at part time job ay inaasikaso ko rin kasi si mama. Sabi kasi ng mga duktor niya ay naging maayos na ang kalagayan niya at makabubuti kung palagi kaming nasa tabi niya para sa kanyang tuluyang paggaling. Hindi ko rin kasi maiwan ang mga kapatid ko doon kasi maliliit pa sila at hindi gano’n kaligtas ang institusyon na ‘yon sa mga batang walang muwang sa kalagayan ng mga pasyenteng nandoon.

Anyway, I will ask my dad’s former co-workers about Sebastian if I get the chance.

Lloyd’s message made me smile. I sent him a reply afterwards, telling that I was glad his mom was getting better. At sana magtuluy-tuloy na siya sa paggaling para makauwi na siya sa bahay nila. I’m sure it would make her children happy, especially Lloyd, who had done so many things for her and his little sisters.

Nang makababa ako ng jeep malapit sa tahanan ni Lola Salome ay may nakita akong bukas na bakery sa gilid ng daan. Lumapit ako roon at nag-isip ng bibilhin. Napasimangot ako nang ma-realize kong hindi ko alam kung anong gustong kainin ni lola. Naalala ko tuloy yung lungkot sa mga mata ni Yelo nang maranasan niya ang ganitong pakiramdam noon.

Then I realized one more thing: there’s a pain in knowing and in not knowing. Hence, whatever you choose; you’d still end up feeling hurt.

Itatanong ko na lang kung anong gusto ni lolang kainin pag-uwi ko, I thought as I looked at the variety of bread and pastries on display.

“Ale, pabili nga po nito saka nito,” sabi ko sabay turo sa mga uri ng tinapay na gusto kong bilhin. “Tigdadalawa ho,” dagdag ko sabay ngiti at abot sa kanya ng fifty pero bill.

But you still choose anyway, since it’s a part of loving and caring for someone.

That’s a part of being human.

“SEBASTIAN Lim was the son of a Chinese businessman who declared bankruptcy in order to escape from his debts,” Carl started to say in a serious voice. It was exactly three days after our last meeting. Tinawagan niya ako kahapon para pag-usapan na ang aming mga nalaman at kasalukuyan kaming nasa kwarto ni Nick na nagmistula nang headquarters namin. Katatapos ko lang magsalita tungkol sa mga napag-usapan namin ni Paris at ang pagkikita namin ni Ed, na hindi naman nila ikinasupresa dahil nga binabantayan nila ang galaw ni Ed. “Later on, his dad became a swindler and a kidnapper for a living.”

My eyes widened in disbelief as I looked at Carl who was hardly surprised by my reaction. “Wait. Nasaan ang mom ni Kuya Seb?” I asked.

“She died while giving birth to that bastard,” Carl answered without missing a beat. So Kuya Seb grew up without a mom, huh? I thought as I frowned. “Anyway, alam na natin ngayon kung kanino niya natutunan ang paggamit niya ng cold reading.”

“Nasa’n na ngayon ang ama ni Sebastian?” Nick asked.

“Died in jail,” sagot ni Carl, “twelve or eleven years ago. My informant wasn’t sure about the date.”

“Who’s this informant of yours?” Raz asked.

“Edgar Velasquez. Fifty four years old. Ex-convict. Pareho sila ng selda ng tatay ni Sebastian noon pero matagal na siyang nakalabas dahil hindi naman gano’n kabigat ang kasalanan niya.”

“Let me guess,” Nick said, thinking. “Kidnapping ang kaso ng tatay ni Sebastian ‘no?”

Kinabahan ako nang ngumiti nang bahagya si Carl. “Yes and he kidnapped the lady that his fucking son was currently serving.”

“W-what?” di makapaniwalang tanong ko sa kanya.

“It happened fourteen years ago, when Sherry Perez was just nine years old,” he went on, his face was devoid of any emotion.

“Classified information, huh?” Raz commented as his gaze landed on my troubled face. “Jamie, to answer the questions inside your head, let me tell you one thing: there are lots of secrets in this world that will never be known to public, like mysterious disappearances, deaths—anything. If you have the power and the money, you can do anything that you want, no matter how inhuman it is, and not get punished.”

Bigla kong naalala ‘yong sinabi sa ‘kin ni Ms. Sherry dati: ‘We’re living in a world where something terrible could happen in a blink of an eye that’s why we must do everything to prevent that from happening.’

I realized that her overprotectiveness and tendency to overeact when she’s worried were probably because of what she had experienced before which opened her eyes to the danger the world could offer to her and to the rest of the people dear to her.

“Tama si Raz,” Nick agreed. “We could get ourselves killed for unravelling the truth if we are against someone who is powerful, rich and evil enough to order someone to do the dirty job. Luckily, Sherry doesn’t seem to be the one behind Sebastian’s actions at mukha namang wala sa plano ni Sebastian na patayin tayo.”

“He won’t,” Carl said, his voice sounded as if he was sure about what he was saying. “You know what I thought after I found out about Velasquez’s confession? There’s no fucking way that Arturo Perez would make Sebastian his right hand knowing that his father kidnapped his only daughter. Then few years later, naging personal butler ni Sherry ang gagong ‘yon. It doesn’t seem right. Not at all. Unless, Sebastian did something to easily earn the trust of the Perez family.”

“Wait,” kunot-noong sabi ni Raz. “Do you mean to say that Sebastian’s real plan was not to protect Sherry and Ice but to avenge his father’s death?”

Tumango si Carl. “It’s just an assumption though. It’s also possible that the real reason why he’s concealing what happened twelve years ago was because finding the truth about it would also reveal his real objective.”

It made sense but I couldn’t simply accept Carl’s assumption because recognizing it would mean that Ms. Sherry and Ice were in real danger and there’s no way I could protect them both. And it would raise suspicion if I—

Nahinto ako sa pag-iisip nang may nag-ring na cellphone. It was Nick’s. Agad niya itong sinagot. “What?!” Nick said in a tone higher than his usual. His eyes grew wide with shock and his brows knitted in confusion. “Man, are you serious?” he asked before he paused and listened. Hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong ideya kung sino ang kausap niya pero nagsisimula na naman akong kahaban. “Alright, we’ll be there in thirty minutes.” Then he ended the call and looked at us.

“It was Lloyd,” he said. “Sabi niya, nag-print siya ng picture ni Sebastian na hiningi niya sa ‘min nu’ng nakaraan para makapagtanung-tanong siya sa mga dating katrabaho ng tatay niya tungkol rito. Accidentally, his mom saw it this morning. And guess what? His mom told him that Sebastian has something to do with his dad’s suicide.”

Chapter 18: To Be Guilty

Jamie

MY mouth was at lost for words. I would like to stop myself from imagining what on earth could Kuya Seb had done which was connected with Mr. Ramirez’s suicide because I didn’t want to accuse him of anything yet. Because I was in no position to do that and we still haven’t heard what Lloyd’s mom knew about it.

But somehow, I couldn’t.

I was afraid that his death was probably not suicide. Pinalabas lang na gano’n nga ang nangyari para pagtakpan ang katotohanan. Just like what happened with Mrs. Park’s death which was labelled as an accident.

I glanced at Carl brieftly and I knew, from the dark expression he’s wearing, that this possibility had already crossed his mind.

Now, if it was another murder then, was Kuya Seb the perpetrator or the accomplice? May kinalaman din ba ito sa nangyari twelve years ago? (Hindi kasi nabanggit noon ni Kuya Seb kung anong taon nagpakamatay si Mr. Ramirez at saka hindi na ulit binanggit ni Lloyd ang tungkol sa tatay niya nang magkabati sila ni Yelo.) If it was, then fuck, the truth’s far, far worse than we could ever realize.

OLIVIA Ramirez, Lloyd’s mom, was a lot better than she was before the last time Ice and I had visited her. She was sitting on her bed, her back was leaning on the headboard comfortably, and her hands were clasp together as they rested on the white comforter that covered her belly down to her feet. Kung dati ay nasa isang silid siya na pinaghahatian ng tatlo pang pasyente ay nasa solo na kwarto siya na may mas maayos na pasilidad.

Kung dati ay kumirot ang puso ko nang makita ko siyang kinakausap ang sarili niya at tumatawa nang mag-isa, ngayon ay napangiti ako nang muli ko siyang makita. Even though I could still hear the sadness that was screaming from her eyes and I could still notice the vacant look on her smile, she didn’t seem like a broken piece of someone’s shadow anymore. Even though she still looked like there was something inside her that was already dead a long time ago, I could feel that she was not as fragile as before. She became stronger and alive, like she has now realized that the painful wounds of the past could still heal as long as she didn’t allow herself to succumb in the bottomless pit of despair.

Sa palagay ko ay nakatulong ang pagkausap namin noon sa nangangasiwa ng institusyon na ipadala ang mga karagdagang bayarin sa pangangalaga kay Mrs. Ramirez sa nagha-handle ng mga financial transactions ni Ice sa kalagayan niya. Hindi na siguro tinitipid ang nanay ni Lloyd sa mga gamot at iba pang kailangan nito dahil wala na silang problema sa gastusin. At nabawasan na rin ang alalahanin ni Mrs. Ramirez pagdating sa pagpapaaral kina Lanie at Lyn dahil sa scholarship ng mga ito at ang pagtaas ng sahod ni Lloyd. The thought made me feel like I, together with Ice, had accomplished something great. Masarap talaga sa pakiramdam ang nakakatulong ka sa iba. I’m sure Ice would be happy to hear about it kaya sisiguraduhin ko na sa pagbisita ko sa kanya ay mababanggit ko si Mrs. Ramirez.

Lloyd asked the nurse in charge to leave us once she was done checking Mrs. Ramirez’s condition. Pinaghanda niya rin kami ng tsaa at nag-alok sa ‘min ng clubhouse sandwich na gawa ng kapatid niyang si Lanie. Most of the guys refused to eat and just took their cup of tea, hoping it would wash away the lump of string in the pit of their stomach. They’re too nervous—that I could easily tell. Hindi naman na ‘yon nakakapagtaka dahil inaabangan namin ang pagsasabi ni Mrs. Olivia ng nalalaman niya. If it wasn’t for civility, I was sure one of them has already asked her about it the moment we’ve set foot inside her room.

After a few moments of silence, Mrs. Olivia opened her mouth and talked as she looked at us with a ghost of a smile hanged on her lips. “Hindi ako makapaniwala na magkakaroon ng maraming kaibigan ang anak kong ito,” her smile softened as her gaze landed on her son who was sitting on a chair next to her bed. “Lubos akong nagpapasalamat sa inyo sa lahat ng kabutihan na pinagkaloob n’yo sa ‘min.” Lumungkot ang ngiti niya nang bahagya siyang yumuko at huminto saglit sa pagsasalita. “Sa totoo lang, hindi ko inaasahan na bubuti pa ang kalagayan ko…” I heard her voice broke and soft stifled sobs followed when she covered her face with both of her hands.

“Ma,” Lloyd said in a gentle voice as he pulled her hands from her face and wiped her tears with one hand, while the other was resting on her mother’s right shoulder. “Tahan na.”

And her mom nodded her head repeatedly. Then she apologized sheepishy as she looked at us.

“Hindi n’yo po kailangang humingi ng tawad,” I mumbled as I looked back at her with a smile creeping up on my face. “Masaya po kami sa pagtulong sa inyo at hangad namin ang patuloy na pagbuti ng inyong kalagayan.” The guys nodded in agreement, anticipating that I would open the topic that they’ve been dying to do given the right timing, which, they couldn’t seem to find.

“S-salamat iha.” Mukhang gumaan ang pakiramdam niya sa sinabi ko kasi ngumiti na siya ulit at nabawasan na ang lungkot na taglay nito. “Alam mo parang… nagkita na tayo dati. Hindi ko lang maalala kung kailan.”

“Bumisita na ho ako sa inyo noon. May kasama ho akong lalaki—”

“—boyfriend ho niya,” kantiyaw ni Raz na agad ko namang tinitigan nang masama. Napangiti at napabungisngis ang iba sa kanila nang sabihin kong, “h-hindi ‘no!”

“Siguradong pauulanan ka ng mura no’n kapag narinig niyang dineny mo siya,” nakangising sabi ni Lloyd.

“Oo nga! Lagot ka, isusumbong kita sa kanya!” sabi naman ni Nick.

Napansin kong naging mas kumportable ang mga lalaki sa silid na iyon matapos nila akong asar-asarin. Napairap na lang ako habang pilit na pinipigil ang mapangiti. “Sa ngayon po,” I started to say nang humupa na ang pang-aalaska nila sa akin at nabalik na ‘yong pagiging seryoso ng mukha ko. Nakatingin ako kay Mrs. Ramirez at mukhang hinihintay niya ang susunod kong sasabihin. “Gusto namin na marinig ang lahat ng nalalaman n’yo tungkol sa sinabi n’yo po kay Lloyd kaninang umaga,” I added in hesitation and for a split second, I noticed the terror in her eyes. Yumuko siya nang bahagya na para bang natatakot nang makipag-eye contact sa ‘kin at tila hindi mapalagay na ipinatong niya ang kanang kamay sa kanyang kaliwa. She also shut her lips tightly and started to breathe unevenly.

“A-alam ko po na mahirap alalahanin ang nakaraan pero sana bigyan n’yo po kami ng tyansa na marinig ang mga ito mula sa inyo,” Carl said, his voice sounded a bit desperate.

Mrs. Ramirez gulped and closed her eyes for a few seconds; her forehead was creased with anxiety. Nang buksan niya ang mga mata niya ay mahigpit na hinawakan niya ang kaliwa niyang kamay at tumango. “N-nauunawaan ko.” There’s a glint of determination on her eyes despite her shaky voice and hands. “Sasabihin ko ang lahat ng alam ko sa inyo.”

ACCORDING to Mrs. Olivia, her husband, Richard Ramirez, was a sales representative in an insurance company owned by the Perez Group of Companies. His job was to promote the insurance that their company was offering and persuade potential customers to avail it. He was a part of the in-house sales force and sometimes, he was asked by the head of the Sales Department to deliver important documents that were needed to be signed urgently by Mr. Arturo Perez, the President and CEO of the company, whenever he was at the Perez mansion and preferred to work via video conferencing and webinar applications.

Since the President didn’t come that specific day, informing Richard’s head the he was not feeling well, pinapunta siya sa mansyon para magpa-approve at magpapirma ng budget para sa bagong marketing campaign ng kanilang kumpanya. Based on what her husband told her, he was, as usual, asked by the maid to wait for her Master to meet him at the waiting room. Nang isang oras na siyang naghihintay ay bigla siyang tinawagan ng head nila. Tinanong nito kung nagawa na ba niya ang inutos nito sa kanya at kung pabalik na siya ng kumpanya. Nang sabihin niyang hindi pa ay nagalit ito at pinagmumura siya kaya wala siyang nagawa kundi ang lumabas ng silid at hanapin kung nasaan si Sir Arturo dahil pinagmamadali na siya ng kanyang head at sinabi nitong sisibakin siya nito sa kanyang trabaho kung hindi niya mapapapirmahan ang mga dokumentong hawak niya sa lalong madaling panahon.

While nervously finding the President inside the huge mansion, nakarinig siya ng ingay. Para itong kalabog. Suspecting that something terrible has happened, he tried to locate the place where the sound came from. At nang nasa harap na siya ng isang nakasaradong silid ay dahan-dahan niyang hinawakan ang seradura ng pinto at pinihit ito nang tahimik saka niya ito binuksan. Nagulat siya nang makita ang asawa ng presidente na pilit pinatatahimik ang isang batang lalaki na umiiyak.

“Bakit ka nandito? Bakit ka nandito?!” ‘Yon daw ang narinig niyang sinabi nito sa bata. Base sa tono ng boses nito, sa tingin ni Richard ay hindi ito galit. There was fear and desperation in her eyes which told him that she never wanted the child to be in that room that specific day. But he was never sure of this assumption because he could only see the half of her face as she looked at the child who was, he thought, her son.

Then when he lowered his eyes, horror flashed in his eyes as he saw another woman lying on the carpeted floor. May dugong umaagos mula sa batok nito at di kalayuan sa katawan nang nakatalikod na babaeng hindi na gumagalaw ay may nagkalat na pira-pirasong bagay na sa palagay niya ay nagmula sa isang vase. He immediately thought that it was the murder weapon and realizing what he had witnessed, he took a step back but he lost his balance due to the fear that was stirring his head with brutal intensity.

Dahil dito ay napalingon sa kanya si Hilda at katulad niya ay tuluyang napuno ng takot ang mga mata nito. That moment, he wanted to run away from the mansion as fast as he could but something had stopped him. It was what the woman told him. She asked him to pretend that nothing had happened. Nanginginig ang mga labi niya at nauutal siya ng sabihin niya ang mga iyon.

The look on the wife of the President’s face told him that she never wanted to kill the other woman. Maybe, it was just an accident. Or maybe, he was just trying to convince himself that what he was about to do was right.

And so, Richard nodded his head. It’s not like he had a choice. Alam niyang kung hindi siya papayag ay posibleng sa kanya nito ipasa ang krimeng ginawa nito. O kaya ay ipatanggal siya nito sa trabaho at bigyan ng parusang hindi niya makakalimutan kahit kailan. Alam niyang kahit ano ay kayang gawin ng isang taong may kapangyarihan at pera. And it was going to be the end for him if he did something against what she wanted.

Isa pa, alam niya kung anong posisyon niya sa mundo at ‘yon ay ang tumango at sumunod sa utos ng mga taong nakakataas sa kanya nang hindi nagtatanong ng bakit o nagrereklamo. Wala siyang karapatang tumanggi. All his life, he knew that following someone’s order was what he was good at.

“Thank you,” was what he heard from her before she asked him to close and lock the door. Nang mai-lock na ni Richard ang pinto ay agad pumunta si Hilda sa parte ng silid kung saan nagkalat ang mga basag na piraso ng vase. Natatarantang kumuha siya mula sa kanyang bag ng gloves at tela at pinunasan niya isa-isa ang mga malalaking pirasong kanyang nahahawakan. Narinig ni Richard na humihikbi ito nang pigil habang pinagpapatuloy ang kanyang ginagawa nang mabilisan kahit na nanginginig pa rin sa takot ang kanyang mga kamay. Nang tangkang lalapit sa kanya ang batang hindi pa rin natatapos sa pagluha ay sinigawan niya ito at pinalayo sa kanya. Dahil dito ay lalong umiyak ang bata at nagsimula itong mahirapang huminga.

Richard tried to tell it to her pero naunahan siya nito sa pagsasalita. “Hayaan mo siya,” she said coldly. “In the first place, it was his fault for being here. Tulungan mo na lang akong magpunas ng mga kagamitan dito para mawala ang mga fingerprints namin sa silid na ito.”

Sinunod niya ang sinabi nito at tinanggap ang binigay nitong telang pamunas. Nang mawalan nang malay ang bata sa pagod siguro sa kaiiyak ay maingat niya itong inihiga sa sofa sa may dulong bahagi ng silid, gamit ang kanyang mga kamay na nababalutan ng tela.

Habang nagpupunas silang dalawa ng mga kagamitan ay sinabi sa kanya ni Hilda na pagkatapos ng kanilang ginagawa ay ihahatid lang nila saglit sa silid nito ang bata na tinawag niyang “Ice” bago sila aalis nang walang nakakapansin na kahit sino.

Then afterwards, she told him the reason why she killed the woman who was lying on the floor. She addressed her as “Carla”, the wife of her close friend Woojin Park. She suspected Carla was the one who created the rumors regarding her and Woojin’s ‘relationship’ which of course, was not true. Sa tingin ni Hilda, ginawa ‘yon ni Carla para magkalabuan sila ng asawa niya at maagaw nito mula sa kanya si Arturo. Napupuna niya kasi na binibisita nito si Arturo sa tuwing wala ito sa mansyon at ang sabi pa sa kanya ng mga katulong niya ay lagi silang nagkikita at nag-uusap sa library ng asawa niya. She felt betrayed by them. Pinagkatiwalaan niya si Carla at inakala niya na talagang naniniwala itong wala silang relasyon ni Woojin tapos malalaman niya na sila pala ng asawa niya ang may lihim na relasyon. Hindi niya rin matanggap na nagawa siyang pagtaksilan ni Arturo dahil lang sa mga chismis na nalaman niya. Pakiramdam niya ay ginagantihan siya nito dahil sa isang kasalanang hindi naman niya ginawa.

Kaya kinausap ni Hilda si Carla tungkol rito. Siya naman kasi ang lapit nang lapit sa asawa niya ngunit tinanggi nito na may relasyon sila ni Arturo. Nang tanungin niya naman ang kanyang asawa tungkol rito ay minura lang siya nito at sinabihan ng mga masasamang bagay kaya lalong naghari ang galit kay Hilda. Binalak niyang gumanti sa kanilang dalawa kaya nang araw na iyon ay nagpaalam siya sa kanyang asawa, mga anak, at katulong na magsha-shopping kasama ng mga kaibigan na madalas niya naman talagang ginagawa. But this time, it was different. She planned to use her friends to make an alibi. Habang nanunuod sila ng sine pagkatapos nilang mamili ng mga damit ay umalis siya nang hindi nagpapaalam sa kanila at bumalik siya ng mansyon para isagawa ang krimen. She knew that Carla was waiting for her husband in the library. It was their meeting place where they’re probably doing their sexual activities. Though the room was not completely sound proof, it was the best place to conceal a lot of things because it was surrounded by vacant rooms and the attic which were rarely opened by the servants of the mansion.

Nang buksan niya ang pinto nang dahan-dahan ay nakita niyang nakatalikod sa kanya si Carla at nakatayo ito malapit sa bintana, kung saan nakatingala ito sa langit. Agad niyang kinuha ang vase na nakadisplay sa gilid at pinukpok sa ulo ng babae. Agad itong nawalan ng malay. All she had to do was go back to her friends before the movie ended and Arturo would surely be the prime suspect afterwards.

Hilda told Richard that she was aware that what she had done was a crime but she didn’t regret it. Para sa kanya, ito lang ang tanging paraan para maipaghiganti niya si Woojin at pati na rin ang sarili niya sa dalawang taong piniling pagtiksilan sila imbis na paniwalaan.

Everything would be perfect if Ice was not in that room, Hilda said. Paalis na sana siya sa kwarto nang mapansin niyang hindi lang sila ni Carla ang nasa loob ng silid.

Nang matapos na siya sa pagpupunas ay tumayo na siya at huminto na rin sa pagkukwento. Binuhat niya na ang kanyang anak gamit ang kanyang mga naka-gloves na kamay at paalis na sana sila ni Richard sa silid na ‘yon nang bigla nilang makita sa tapat ng pintuan ang taong kanina pa hinahanap ni Richard.

“What did you do?!” galit na galit na sabi ni Sir Arturo nang maaninag niya ang babaeng nakadapa sa sahig na wala nang buhay. Alam niyang posibleng makakuha ng astensyon ng mga katulong sa mansyon ang laki at lakas ng boses nito kung hindi niya pa sasabihin ang totoo. Kaya walang nagawa si Hilda kundi ipaliwanag ang kanyang ginawa sa asawang balak niyang makulong sa kasalanang siya ang gumawa.

Ikinatwiran ni Mr. Perez, pagkatapos magsalita ni Hilda, na wala talaga silang relasyon ni Carla at sinabi rin nito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit pabalik-balik ito sa mansyon kapag wala si Hilda. It was the truth, Sir Arturo said, I don’t have an affair with her or with any other woman in the world.

So was I, she replied and the revelation made the tears flow from Hilda’s eyes.

Tumulong si Sir Arturo sa pag-iisip ng gagawin sa bangkay ni Carla pagkatapos nilang ihatid si Ice sa kanyang silid. First, they have to delay the time of death. Second, they have to do something to make it look like Carla didn’t die in the mansion and that her cause of death was not murder. Habang nagbe-brainstorming silang tatlo ay nagsimula nang pirmahan ni Mr. Perez ang mga dokumentong dala ni Richard dahil kung hindi ay magiging kahina-hinala rin ito.

Hilda, then, suggested that Carla’s body should be kept in a warm place to maintain her body temperature and that they should establish a fact that Carla was still alive. Using Mr. Perez’s connections with the underground organizations and the police, they quickly resolved the problem. All they have to do was to establish each of their alibis and pretended that nothing happened.

Richard went back to the insurance company and gave the signed documents to his head who was already informed earlier by Sir Arturo himself about Richard’s delay so instead of shouting at him, his head thanked him for a ‘job well done’.

Samantala, sina Mr. at Mrs. Perez naman ay agad umalis ng mansyon gamit ang isa sa mga kotse nila matapos makuha ng mga taong kinausap ni Sir Arturo ang bangkay. Unfortunately, naaksidente sila at namatay. Pinalabas ng mga pulis na ang nangyari ay dahil sa alak na ininom ni Sir Arturo sa kanyang silid isang oras bago siya nagmaneho, ngunit iba ang palagay ni Richard sa nangyari. Maliban kasi sa pagiging businessman ay wine critic si Mr. Perez kaya imposibleng mababa ang alchohol tolerance nito. Sa tingin niya ay kunsensiya ang dahilan kung bakit nagdesisyon si Sir Arturo na pihitin ang manubela sa direksyon na magdudulot ng pagkamatay nilang mag-asawa. He thought he did it to atone the sin that they have committed to Carla who wanted nothing but to settle the dispute between the two families, especially to restore the friendship between Arturo and Woojin.

Months have passed and Richard thought that Arturo’s underground and police connections had made a good job in hiding the truth. Ang tanging naging laman lang ng balita ay ang pagkamatay ng mag-asawang kilala sa mundo ng business. Ang tanging nakakaalam na lang ng mga tunay na nangyari ay si Richard at ang mga alagad ng yumaong si Arturo.

Just as much as he wanted to live as if he didn’t know anything about the case, someone prevented him from doing so. And it was then that Mrs. Olivia mentioned Kuya Sebastian. According to her husband, Sir Arturo must have called Kuya Seb and told him everything that had happened before he died. And that he must not allow the truth to be known by anyone because Mr. Perez didn’t want his kids to live bearing the sin that their parents had committed. He didn’t want his kids to know that they’re the son and daughter of criminals.

Pinagkatiwala ni Sir Arturo ang pananatili ng sikretong iyon kay Kuya Seb at siya na ang nakikipag-coordinate sa mga taong tumulong na mapagtakpan ang nangyaring krimen.

Someone with Carla’s voice called Woojin the day after the incident and said that she was fine and he didn’t need to worry about her. She was travelling to some of the most famous tourist spots in the country and would like to spend time on her own. To Richard, the fact that Woojin Park didn’t find it suspicious meant that he either knew that his wife was already dead and he had already accepted it or he was a fool for not recognizing the difference between Carla’s voice from a program.

Even Hilda’s friends testified that she had told them she had to go home early because she had plans to go on a date with her husband.

And because the police was also involved, nobody questioned (well, except for Carl) the result of the (fake) autopsy and the declaration that Mrs. Park died because of an accident.

Kuya Sebastian ordered Olivia’s husband to cooperate with his plans. Kasama na rito ang pagpapatahimik sa mga bibig ng mga taong posibleng makapagsabi ng mga bagay na pwedeng pagmulan ng hinala. But after several months doing everything that Kuya Seb was telling him, Richard finally decided to give up. Hindi na kaya ng konsensiya niya ang pananakot sa mga taong kung tutuusin ay wala namang kinalaman sa nangyari. Sinubukan niyang kausapin si Kuya Seb tungkol rito ngunit ito mismo ang gumulpi sa kanya hanggang sa mawalan siya ng malay at ang tanging nakatatak lang sa kanyang isipan ay ang sinabi nito na mamatay na sana siya.

When he went home in the wee hours of the morning with bruises all over his body, Olivia asked her husband what happened and Richard told him everything. Kinabukasan no’n, pagkauwi niya galing sa palengke ay nakita niya ang asawang wala nang buhay sa kanilang silid.

Chapter 19: To Be an Accomplice

Jamie

“WAS he killed?” Carl asked, his voice a mixture of hesitation and anticipation. His question made Mrs. Olivia’s eyes flicker with pain as they looked down on her clasped hands. A deep, uncomfortable silence settled in the room and the tension was back at full velocity. My heart pounded loudly in my chest as I bit my lip and patiently wait for her to talk.

I knew it was extremely difficult on her part, to spill us what she knew in details, considering that the act would make her remember the things that stripped her sanity for several years and robbed her soul. It was like reopening an old, deep and throbbing wound which was already beginning to heal. Each word that escaped from her lips would be like a stab she had to endure each and every time. That’s why even though I could hardly wait to find out what Mrs. Ramirez’s answer was, I remained silent and tried to put myself on her shoes.

After awhile, she slowly shook her head and painted a brief sad smile on her face. “Nagpakamatay siya,” sagot ni Mrs. Olivia habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga kamay niya.

She told us that it would be impossible that her husband was killed because all her children were in their house when it happened. Kung mayroon mang pumunta sa bahay nila nang araw na iyon ay imposibleng hindi mapansin ng kahit isa man lang sa mga anak niya. Lloyd even testified to the police that no one visited his father that day and Richard was alone in his room when he hanged himself. The reason why Mrs. Ramirez said that Kuya Seb had something to do with her husband’s death was because he drove Richard to commit suicide. Mrs. Olivia even said that if it was already hard for her to conceal what she knew, then it was a million times harder for him. At ang nagpahirap sa asawa niya ay walang iba kundi si Kuya Seb. She knew that the faithful butler was just doing his duty but it must have never crossed his mind that his words could end someone’s life in an instant. Nobody could go on living with such kind of punishment. May hangganan ang katinuan ng isang tao, lalo na kung unti-unti siyang kinakain ng kanyang konsensiya.

And Richard didn’t deserve to be trapped in Kuya Seb’s plans in order the hide the truth. He just happened to witness something he wasn’t supposed to see. At nang dahil doon ay tuluyang nagbago ang buhay niya. He didn’t even do anything wrong. He didn’t kill anyone. He was just a victim of the circumstances. Of being someone who had no choice but to be an accomplice. It was not like he threatened people and distort facts just because he wanted to. He was just forced to do those things because it was the only way he knew to protect his family. Alam ni Richard na kapag lumabas ang katotohanan, makukulong siya at magdurusa ang kanyang pamilya sa panghuhusga ng mga tao sa paligid nila.

Mrs. Olivia described how kind-hearted his husband was. Kung paano niya isinakripisyo ang lahat, pati ang buhay niya, alang-alang sa pamilya niya. She deemed that Richard ended his life to protect them and to escape Kuya Sebastian who decided what role he had to play.

And that’s why she didn’t want her husband’s efforts to be in vain. Although she first thought of telling the police what she knew, alam niyang mapapahamak lang siya at ang kanyang mga anak kapag ginawa niya ito, since the police were also covering for the crime. Moreover, she didn’t have any evidence to support what she knew about the case. Ang mayroon lang siya ay ang tiwala niya sa kanyang asawa at sa mga sinabi nito sa kanya bago ito nagpakamatay, at wala nang iba.

Kaya nagpanggap na lang siyang walang alam sa mga nalalaman ng kanyang asawa at sa dahilan kung bakit ito nagpakamatay. Her tears were her best weapon against the questions of the police and Kuya Seb. Sa palagay niya ay naging effective naman ito dahil hindi na naulit pa ang pagbisita ng mga pulis o ni Kuya Seb sa kanya.

Pinalabas ng insurance company kung saan nagtatrabaho si Richard na nagpakamatay siya dahil sa pagkatanggal sa trabaho dahil hindi niya na-meet ang quota niya sa pagbebenta ng insurance. Tinanggap ito ni Mrs. Olivia bilang katotohanan, kaya iyon din ang alam ng mga anak niya.

Kaya gano’n na lang ang galit ni Lloyd sa pamilya Perez dahil base sa paniniwala niya, hindi makatarungan at makatao ang ginawa nilang patakaran sa kumpanya. At kung hindi dahil sa patakaran na ito ay hindi mawawalan ng trabaho ang ama niya at hindi ito magpapakamatay.

Kahit na hindi na nagpakita ulit kay Mrs. Ramirez si Kuya Sebastian ay nanatili ang takot sa kanya na isang araw ay malalaman din nito na alam niya ang mga nangyari. And even though he didn’t directly ruin the lives of those who were once a part of the Perez mansion, he made them live in constant fear. Even though he didn’t kill anyone literally, she knew he had already killed a lot mentally. The threats he made were like a lifetime worth of suffering that could eventually eat someone’s sanity. It was scary. It was worst than getting killed.

But Mrs. Olivia said that she’d rather took all these disturbing thoughts inside her head than to let him threaten her children. She wanted to give them a bright future that Richard wished for them to have. They’re poor, yes, but she didn’t believe it was an enough reason to be manipulated by the rich and powerful individuals who would do anything to protect themselves and those who were dear to them.

Kaya unti-unti siyang nawala sa katinuan and for her, it was the best thing she could do to hide what she knew. It was the best thing she could do to protect her children.

“SO the person who killed Carl’s mom was already dead and that fucking butler was not even directly involved with the crime,” Nick said nonchalantly, but I could detect the disappointment that he was trying to mask behind the coldness of his voice.

Since one of our priorities is to keep Lloyd’s mom safe, bago kami umalis ay kinausap ni Carl ang may-ari ng institusyon na ‘yon na tutulong ang dad niya sa pagpapahigpit ng seguridad ng nasabing lugar. Pinaalam rin namin na sana ay magpatuloy ang magandang pangangalaga nila kay Mrs. Ramirez para tuluyan na itong gumaling at makauwi na sa kanyang pamilya.

Kasalukuyan kaming nasa isang restaurant at kahahanda lang ng waitress ang pagkaing inorder namin. We were sitting in silence when Nick brought the topic which was permanently etched in my thoughts.

“And Ice’s psychological illnesses were triggered by the trauma he had when he witnessed his mom killing someone,” I said in a frown before I sighed.

“It must have been difficult on Ice, having that kind of memory,” sabi naman ni Lloyd habang nakatingin sa kawalan. “Lalo na’t six years old pa lang siya nang mangyari ‘yon.”

Naisip ko rin si Ms. Sherry and I wondered what she would think if she found out the truth. It would surely break her heart. Although based on what Carl had said to me before, that there’s a possibility that she was just denying her knowledge about the rumored affair, I still couldn’t think she had an idea about this whole incident. Everything had been set when she arrived at the mansion nang sunduin siya ni Kuya Seb galing sa paaralan and I don’t think he would tell her about it, since he was especially hiding the truth for her and for Ice’s sake.

“When we have witnessed a shocking event,” Raz started to say, “natural lang sa atin na as much as possible ay hindi na ito alalahanin, but the more we refused to remember and accept that trauma we’ve experienced, the more the act would trigger a kind of defense response; and that was probably the reason why Ice suffered from his illnesses. Whenever he saw a girl or touched by the opposite sex, his brain would send him signals that would make him both hate and fear that person. It was a defense response he developed to prevent him from remembering what he saw twelve years ago.”

“It made sense,” I said as I nodded my head in agreement. “Dahil sa sakit niya ay bihira na siyang nakakakita ng mga babae, bagay na lalong nakapagpalayo sa kanya sa kanyang mga alaala.”

“Sana tuluyan na siyang gumaling,” sabi naman ni Lloyd nang nakasimangot. “Hindi masaya kapag di tayo kumpleto.”

“We’re never going to be complete again,” Nick said as he leaned on his seat and grabbed his drink to sip it. I casted my eyes downwards as Ed's image flashed inside my head and sighed. “According to our frat friends, Ed was really a game freak who couldn’t care less about his enemies, which would mean, us.”

Raz drew an exaggerated sigh. “Com’on, let’s just stop talking about that traitor. He’s not one of us anymore. He could do anything he wants as long as he wouldn’t mess up with any of my friends, and I wouldn’t even care. Isa pa, hindi na siya threat sa ‘tin dahil wala na silang maitatago. Alam na natin ang katotohanan. So basically, they’ve lost.”

“Do you really think so?” Carl finally said something though it was the complete opposite of what I expected him to say. He raised his eyes and met Raz’s. Raz knitted his brows in confusion. Maging sina Nick ay naguluhan sa sinabi niya. Anong pinaglalaban nitong si Carl? Did he mean to say that they haven’t lost yet? Isn’t this all about knowing the truth about what happened twelve years ago? “I think that what Mrs. Olivia said was not the entire truth.”

Agad napatayo si Lloyd at tumingin nang masama kay Carl. “Pinapalabas mo ba na sinungaling ang nanay ko ha?!” Hinatak siya ng kanyang katabing si Raz na maupo ulit pero nanatili itong nakatayo.

“That’s not what I said,” he said with a serious face which betrayed no readable emotions.

“Kung gano’n ano?” galit na tanong ni Lloyd. “Gago ka, ayusin mo ‘yong pagsasalita mo kundi talagang—”

“Lloyd!” awat ko at nahinto siya sa pagsasalita at napatingin sa ‘kin. “Calm down and let’s hear what Carl has to say.”

Inirapan lang ako ni Lloyd at napilitan siyang umupo nang padabog habang nakakuyom ang kanyang mga palad.

“I believe that it was impossible for her to remember all those things in great detail, lalo na’t hindi pa siya tuluyang magaling sa kanyang mental illness. Her memories should be vague—”

“There are memories,” Raz interrupted him sharply, “that could never fade, no matter what we do.”

“Tama si Raz!” pagsang-ayon naman ni Lloyd. “Wag mong sabihing hindi mo lang matanggap na yung taong gusto mong paghigantihan ay matagal nang patay?!”

“Lloyd, don’t raise your voice,” I reminded him. “Nasa isang public place tayo.”

He rolled his eyes and snorted as he crossed his arms against his chest.

“Alright,” sabi ni Carl. “Let’s just say that it was really possible for her to remember what her husband had told her but there are certain things which I find strange.”

“Katulad ng?” tanong naman ni Nick.

“If Hilda had devised a plan on killing my mom, then why did she not use the gloves inside her bag when she committed the crime?” Carl asked and every one of us fell silent. He really had a point and I wondered why I haven’t thought of that. “Hindi ba ginagamit ang gwantes para maiwasan ng isang tao na malagyan ng fingerprints niya ang murder weapon at ang iba pang bagay sa pinangyarihan ng krimen? If she had worn her gloves then she wouldn’t have to waste her time wiping her fingerprints from the broken vase.”

“That made sense,” Nick said, thinking. “Hindi kasi natin pwedeng idahilan na nakalimutan niya ang tungkol sa gamit ng gloves dahil hindi siya sanay pumatay at kinakabahan siya. Masyadong importante ang gloves lalo na’t may plano siyang sinusunod. Hindi rin natin pwedeng sabihin na aksidente lang na napatay niya si Mrs. Park kasi may gloves siya sa bag niya. Imposible namang nagkataon lang na may dala siya no’n. Hindi naman normal na magdala ka ng gloves sa bag mo, di ba?”

“I don’t think it was entirely impossible for her to forget about wearing the gloves,” sabi naman ni Raz. “Remember what I’ve said about Tension-Reduction Theory? Kapag masyado tayong tiwala na magwo-work out ang plano natin ay mas malaki ang tiyansa na magkamali tayo.”

“But the chances for her to commit that kind of mistake was still slim,” Carl reasoned. “Anyway, may isa pang gumugulo sa isipan ko. Would it be normal for a person who committed murder to tell a stranger about her reasons for killing someone? Alright, alam ko na katulad kanina ay hindi imposible na mangyari ‘yon, but I still think it’s weird, risky and completely unnecessary.”

“Malay mo, gusto niyang kunin ang simpatya ng tatay ni Lloyd?” Nick suggested.

“Hindi niya ba naisip na posibleng gamitin ni Richard ang mga nalaman nito laban sa kanya? Remember that to Hilda, he was basically a stranger who works for one of their companies. It’s weird that she easily put her trust on him knowing that there’s a possibility that he wouldn’t keep his promise.”

“Maybe they exchanged a few words before,” I suggested. “Di ba nabanggit naman ni Mrs. Olivia na madalas mautusan si Mr. Ramirez na magpapirma ng mga dokumento sa mansyon?”

“But that’s not still an enough reason to completely trust a stranger—or let’s just say, an acquaintance,” Carl argued and I shut my mouth. Hindi talaga ako mananalo sa pakikipagtalo kay Carl. Nakakapagduda nga naman kasi ang pagkukwento ni Mrs. Perez ng mga iyon kay Mr. Ramirez, considering the fact that they’re supposed to hurry, fearing that someone might see them.

“Sa tingin ko, hindi na problema ng mama ko ‘yon,” sabat ni Lloyd. “She was just relaying to us what my dad had told her. Kung meron mang kahina-hinala sa mga kilos ni Mrs. Hilda, it doesn’t mean my mom was not telling the entire truth.”

“Sorry, man,” Carl said as he briefly closed his eyes before opening it again. “Maybe you’re right. I just couldn’t accept what your mom had told us because it was not what I was expecting. Although there’s a possibility that Hilda was hiding something, there’s no way for your mom and dad to know about it and it would forever remain a mystery.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” sabi ko at agad silang napatingin sa ‘tin. “We still have Ice. Don’t forget that he was also a witness. He knew what really happened.”

Umiling nang bahagya si Nick. “Pero Jamie, hindi niya nga maalala, hindi ba? He was just six years old when it happened. It’s impossible for him to remember everything that he saw except from the actual murder of Carl’s mom.”

“Nick’s right,” Raz agreed. “Saka baka lalong lumala ang sakit ni Ice kapag pinilit natin siya na alalahanin ang nakaraang gusto niya nang kalimutan.”

“No, maybe Jamie’s right,” Carl said as his gaze landed on mine. “There’s a big possibility that the key in curing him completely lies in helping him remember what he had forgotten. It was the reason why he acquired his illnesses, remember? Saka ayokong matapos na lang nang ganito ang lahat. Kahit ga’no kaimposible na may makuha tayong piraso ng impormasyon mula kay Ice ay gusto ko pa ring malaman kung anong nakita ng mga mata niya bago siya mawalan ng malay nang araw na iyon.”

I WAS alone inside the elevator at the hospital where Ice was admitted. Kinapa ko ang picture nina Mrs. Park at Mr. Ramirez sa bulsa ko habang naririnig ko ang mabilis na tibok ng aking puso. Carl firmly believed that showing Ice their pictures would somehow trigger his memories about what happened. And if he recognized them and what he remembered was in sync with Mrs. Olivia’s statements, then he would totally give up about the case.

I finally called Ice yesterday and just as I expected, galit siya sa ‘kin dahil ilang araw akong hindi nagparamdam sa kanya at sa ate niya. Idagdag pang pinaalam pala sa kanya ni Ms. Sherry na nag-resign na ako sa pagiging butler niya. I just told him that I would visit him today to explain my side before I ended our telephone conversation.

I sighed and felt the lump on my throat as the elevator opened. Lumabas ako ng elevator at lumakad papunta sa silid niya. Huminto ako nang nasa harap na ako ng pinto at bumuntong hininga. I still don’t know how to face him. Geez. What should I say first?

Ugh. Bahala na nga! Kung magpapaliwanag naman siguro ako nang maayos ay mapapatawad niya ako. Kaso pa’no naman ako magpapaliwanag nang maayos kung sobra akong kinakabahan? Idagdag pa itong mga pictures na dala ko. Baka atakihin na naman siya kapag nakita niya ang mga ito. I don’t want to see him in pain anymore but I know I have to. Because showing him these pictures in my pocket would end our doubts and would finally unravel the truth.

Bumuntong hininga ulit ako bago kumatok.

“Pasok,” Ice immediately said and I felt my heart’s going to burst. Binuksan ko ang pinto at pumasok sa loob. Nagulat ako kasi nakatayo siya sa harapan ko at magkasalubong ang dalawang kilay niya.

Before I mumbled my apology, he had already held me in his arms. Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit. “Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa ‘yo na wag mo ‘kong iiwan?!” he said, his tone was a note higher, as I inhaled sharply. “You have no idea about the fucking fear I felt when you’re not answering my calls! You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to sneak out just so I could see you,” his voice trailed off as he removed his arms on my shoulders and closed the door behind me.

“Sorry, Ice,” I said as I bit my lip and faced him hesitantly. His face was red and his lips were in a deep frown. His eyes looked like he was about to cry but he was trying his best to hide it with his tough demeanor.

“Sabihin mo sa ‘kin kung nagsasawa ka na sa ‘kin para hindi ako umaasa na bibisitahin mo ulit ako,” sabi niya nang tumalikod siya sa ‘kin.

“Ano ka ba, hindi naman ak—”

“Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat ng pinapagawa ng mga duktor sa ‘kin para gumaling na ako nang tuluyan pero parang balewala lang ang lahat ng iyon sa ‘yo.”

“Ice—”

“Kung naaawa ka lang sa ‘kin kaya ka nandito ay pwede ka nang umalis. I don’t need your fucking pity,” madiin niyang sabi na lalong nagpakirot ng puso ko.

“Pwede bang pakinggan mo muna akong magsalita?!” I snapped and he turned to look at me. “Alam ko naman na may kasalanan ako sa ‘yo pero hindi ‘yon sapat na dahilan para pagdudahan mo ang nararamdaman ko nang ganyan! Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nahihirapan sa sitwasyon na ‘to eh. Ako rin! But I’m enduring everything because of you!”

“Because of me?” He rolled his eyes and smirked. “Bakit, sa tingin mo ba makakatulong sa paggaling ko ang biglaan mong hindi pagpaparamdam?!”

Bumuntong hininga ako at lakas-loob na tumingin sa mga mata niya. “Ice, we’re investigating what happened twelve years ago to know the origin of your illnesses,” seryoso kong sabi sa kanya pero hindi man lang nagbago ang pagkaasar sa mukha niya.

“That’s the worst kind of excuse I’ve ever heard from you,” Ice said, his voice reflected disappointment.

“Ice, don’t you want to know why you are suffering from gynophobia and misogyny?” Natahimik siya sa tanong ko at umiwas siya ng tingin. “Aren’t you tired of blaming yourself for putting your sister and everyone around you in distress because of your illnesses?”

Nang hindi pa rin siya umimik ay nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita.

“I know that deep inside, you want to put an end to this misery. You want to know the truth to help you heal yourself completely. I know you want to be normal again—”

“Kung talagang inaalala mo ‘ko, hindi mo dapat nilihim sa ‘kin ang bagay na ‘yan.”

“Gusto kong sabihin sa ‘yo ang tungkol rito pero hindi gano’n kasimple ang lahat, Ice. The truth about your illnesses has something to do with the death of your parents and Carl’s mom.”

“What?” he asked in surprise.

“Bago ko sabihin sa ‘yo ang lahat ay gusto kong makita mo muna ang mga picture na ito,” I said as I handed him the picture of Carl’s mom and Lloyd’s dad, “at sabihin mo sa ‘kin kung pamilyar sila sa ‘yo.”

Kunot-noong binaba ni Ice ang mga mata niya mula sa ‘kin papunta sa mga pictures na nilagay ko sa mga kamay niya. A feeling of anxiety clutched at my chest as his eyes instantly grew wide when he saw the pictures. Horror flashed in his features; his hands started to tremble. A second later, nabitawan niya ang mga larawan nang may takot sa kanyang mga mata. Nilagay niya ang kanyang dalawang kamay sa kanyang ulo at nakita ko kung pa’no niya indahin ang sakit na kanyang nararamdaman.

“I-Ice?” Lumapit ako sa kanya habang pilit kong nilalabanan ang takot at pagkataranta sa sistema ko. My tears fell on my cheeks as I hugged him tightly. “Sorry, Ice. I’m sorry.”

That moment, gusto kong pagsisihan na pinakita ko ang mga iyon sa kanya. Gusto kong pagsisihan na ako ang nagbigay ng ideya kay Carl na magdesisyong alamin ang mga nangyari kay Ice kahit alam kong malaki ang posibilidad na atakihin siya ng kanyang sakit at lubos siyang masaktan.

I could feel his uneven breathing on my neck and even though he wanted to shout in pain, he controlled his voice and endured it. At lalong tumindi ang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko kasi sa kabila ng sakit na nararamdaman niya ay inaalala niya pa rin ako.

“T-the woman on o-one of the pictures, n-nakita ko siya sa library ni dad,” hirap na hirap niyang sabi habang naghahabol ng hininga. “B-bleeding… the back of her head was bleeding. She was lying on the floor… u-unconscious. ‘Y-yong lalaki naman… n-nakita ko siyang kausap ni mom.” Lalong bumilis ang paghahabol niya ng hininga kaya humingi ako ng tawad sa kanya at sinabi kong wag niya nang pilitin ang kanyang sarili na alalahanin ang lahat, kasi sapat na ang kanyang mga sinabi para patunayang totoo nga ang sinabi ng mama ni Lloyd.

Sapat na ito upang tuldukan ang misteryo ng insidenteng naganap labindalawang taon na ang nakakaraan.

Chapter 20: To Be Stabbed

Jamie

THE sky looked like it was about to cry, as much as I looked like I was about to die. I gently put down the bouquet of flowers to the grave of Mrs. Park and a few seconds after, I felt the first few treacherous tears drip from my eyes. Agad kong pinunasan ang mga iyon nang maalala ko ang sinabi ni Carl bago kami dumalaw sa sementeryo, na ayaw niyang makitang may isa sa aming iiyak sa harapan ng puntod ng mama niya.

Hindi mawala sa isipan ko ‘yong mga luha at takot mula sa mata ni Ice kahapon. I was once reminded how fragile he was. How life has been always unfair to him. I wanted to end his suffering, I wanted to be his anchor, his pillar of his emotional support, but whatever I do, I always ended up hurting him.

“Ice, I’ll c-call the nurse. Just hang on,” naalala kong sabi ko nang ihiga ko siya sa kama niya. Nagsisimula na siyang magkaroon ng mga pantal-pantal no’n at ang init-init niya. But instead of letting me ask for professional help, he didn’t let go of my hand.

“Fuckhead, do you want him to find out that you’re visiting me?” he managed to say even though he was already having trouble breathing.

“P-pero—”

“Stop being so stupid. I’m fine. J-just don’t leave me.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, my eyes were still spilling tears. “You’re obviously not fine! S-sa tingin mo ba kaya kong tignan ka sa ganyang kalagayan nang wala akong ginagawa, ha?”

“Shut up and don’t cry,” he said in between his uneven breaths before he closed his eyes and continued to grasp for air. Basa na ng luha ang pisngi niya. “You’re making me feel worse.”

“I’m sorry. Ice, sorry talaga.” Lalong tumindi ang buhos nang luha ko. Nang magmulat siya ng mga mata ay napaiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

“Why are you apologizing? T-this is not your fault.”

“K-kahit n—”

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa isa kong kamay. Tumingin ulit ako sa kanya. “N-natatakot ako, Jamie.” May tumulo na namang luha sa mga mata niya nang pumikit siya. “Natatakot ako.”

“Nandito lang ako.”

“T-the woman and the man on the pictures… sino sila? A-anong kinalaman nila sa ‘kin at sa mom ko?”

“I-Ice, m-magkahinga ka na lang mun—”

“No, I want to know it right now. Tell me… w-what happened?”

I bit my lip and fell silent. My heart felt like being squeezed. I felt physical pain just thinking how I was supposed to tell him about it in spite his current condition.

“I can endure this pain, so don’t worry about me. I can handle it. Kaya sabihin mo na sa ‘kin… please?”

I could still hear his voice clearly inside my head. I could still remember how his grip tightened on me when I told him that his mom killed the woman on the picture, who was Carl’s mom. I could still visualize the tears that streamed down his face, the pain and fear that clouded his eyes, and the misery that the truth brought in his features.

I sighed as I looked away from Mrs. Park’s tombstone and observed my friends, who were also offering flowers and prayers for her. Tahimik lang sila at nakikiramdam kay Carl. I knew it was painful for him to accept the truth and I wished I was never the one who ended it all. I wished I was never the one who have to tell him that our investigation was now over, that his mom’s killer was Ice’s mom who was already dead. And that there’s no use putting the blame on Kuya Sebastian. Kahit naman kasi sabihin namin sa mga pulis na tumulong siya sa pagtatago ng mga ebidensiyang magsisiwalat ng mga totoong naganap ay hindi sila maniniwala.

Kasi ito ‘yong realidad ng mundong kinabibilangan natin. Isang realidad na puno ng kasinungalingan, na pinapaikot ng pera ng mga makapangyarihan. Isang realidad na walang alam sa tunay na kahulugan ng hustisya.

Hindi ba sapat nang kabayaran na namatay sina Art at Hilda kapalit ng buhay ng mom mo? I remembered what Mr. Woojin Park told us before, and I realized that we had no other choice but to think he was right. Isa pa, labis din naman ang naging epekto ng nangyaring insidente sa buhay ng mga naiwan ng mag-asawang Perez eh. Like Carl, Ice and Ms. Sherry were suffering as well. And maybe, gano’n din si Kuya Seb. Wala namang may gusto ng mga naganap. Wala namang may gustong patuloy na mabuhay nang may itinatagong masamang alaala ng nakaraan. Wala namang gustong patuloy na magsinungaling para pagtakpan ang isang kasalanang kung tutuusin ay wala namang kinalaman sa kanya.

“Mom, I… I’m sorry,” Carl spoke as he looked at his mom’s tombstone; his voice was barely audible yet pain could easily spell out of it. He sounded so lost and broken that the urge to hug him was simply overwhelming. But I knew I have to stop myself, because my comfort was not what he wanted. “I couldn’t do anything for you. I was useless. I wished I was the one who—”

“Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo, brad,” Lloyd told him. Namumula na ang mga mata niya. “Wala kang kasalanan.” Tinakpan ni Lloyd ng kanang kamay niya ang kanyang mukha. He was probably crying. “Ako nga, hindi ko napigilan ‘yong pagpapakamatay ng tatay ko kahit ilang metro lang ang layo ng kwarto nila ni mama sa sala eh. Ikaw pa kaya na malayo sa mismong pinangyarihan ng krimen?” He sniffed and gulped before he added, “Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko pa rin kung ano kayang mangyayari kung napansin kong balisa ang tatay ko nang araw na iyon. Iniisip ko kung magbabago ba ang isip niya kung niyakap ko siya at kinausap. Iniisip ko na kung pinaramdam ko sa kanya na mahalaga siya sa ‘kin ay magbabago ang isip niya at hindi siya magpapakamatay. Pero wala eh. Hindi ko ginawa. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na ‘yon na pala ang huling beses na makikita ko siya.”

“Lloyd,” I said in feeble voice as I put one of my arms around his shoulder.

“Tang ina naman kasi, bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat ng ito?”

“I’ll talk to Kuya Seb and ask him to apologize to you and Carl,” I said with a determined look on my face and they all looked at me. “That’s the least that I could do to lessen the pain that—”

“I don’t want his apology,” matigas na sabi ni Carl nang tumayo siya mula sa pagkaka-squat sa tabi ng puntod ng mama niya. “Hindi naman no’n mababalik ang buhay ng—”

“But still—”

“What I want him to do,” Carl interrupted as he gazed at me with a blank expression on his face, “is quit threatening innocent people who was not associated with the crime. Ayoko nang maranasan ng iba ‘yong naranasan natin.”

“I don’t think we could stop that bastard from doing those things,” Raz said with a grimace hanging on his face. “If you start to tell one lie, you have no choice but to tell more lies until you don’t know what the truth is anymore. Sa tingin ko, gano’n din ang sitwasyon niya. Kapag huminto siya, guguho iyong barrier na ginawa niya over the years to protect Sherry and Ice.”

“I know,” Carl replied, sadly. “It’s just a pipe dream—something that could never happen,” he continued as he gently shook his head.

“Pero hindi pa naman tayo sigurado na ang layunin niya talaga ay protektahan sila, di ba?” Nick reminded him. “Let’s not forget about the kidnapping case and the death of his dad in the prison.”

“You’re right,” I said. “That’s one important thing that we shouldn’t leave unsolved. The only problem is… how are we going to know what his real objective is?”

“Maybe we’re just thinking too hard,” sabi naman ni Raz. “No matter how cruel Sebastian is, he’s still a human. Malay natin, the reason why he was protecting the Perez family with all his might was because it’s his way to atone the sin of his dad?”

Raz got a point there and how I wish he was right. I could still remember the kind-hearted Kuya Seb that made my heart flutter when I was still a newbie butler in the Perez mansion. I missed his smile and advices. He was someone I looked up to and I know that Ice felt the same way about him. I sincerely hope he just took the villain’s role, not because he wanted to but because he needed to. At sana, may paraan pa para mabalik sa dati ang lahat. Sana may paraan pa para makita ko ulit ‘yong maganda niyang mga ngiti gaya ng dati.

“I’m sorry but I couldn’t picture him with that kind of thinking,” Carl said coldly.

“Me too,” Lloyd agreed.

“Well, it’s just one possibility,” Nick reminded them. “Anyway, going back to Jamie’s idea, I think it’s not bad to try talking to him,” he added as he looked at me. “But make sure na may kasama ka kapag nakipagkita ka sa butler na iyon.”

“Of course,” I answered with a smile, hoping it would somehow lightened up the mood of everyone.

But as expected, I failed.

PAGKATAPOS naming dumalaw sa puntod ng mama ni Carl ay binisita rin namin ang libingan ng tatay ni Lloyd. Nag-alay kami ng mga bulaklak at dasal sa taong nagbigay daan para malaman namin ang buong katotohanan. I prayed that he was happy in heaven while continuously watching over his wife and children.

After that, we parted ways. Although some of them volunteered to drive me home, I politely refused, thinking that I shouldn’t always depend on them. I shouldn’t let them spoil me and treat me like a girl. Hindi naman sa minamasama ko ang pagiging gentleman nila pero mas sanay ako na hindi iba sa kanila ang turing nila sa ‘kin. Isa pa, alam ko na kailangan nilang magkaroon ng oras para sa sarili nila. We had a tough day and the last thing I want them to do was worry about me. I assured them that I could go home on my own with a big exaggerated smile pasted on my face. I don’t know if they bought my excuse but at least, they let me do what I want.

While I was walking on the street, I couldn’t help but think that Paris was right when she told me that finding the truth would put everyone directly or indirectly involve with the incident in despair. ‘Yon kasi ang nangyayari ngayon kay Lloyd, Carl, at Ice.

I wondered what Kuya Seb was thinking right now. Nakakapagtaka na this time, wala siyang ginawang aksyon para pigilan kami sa tuluyang pag-alam ng katotohanan. Well, maybe he didn’t know that Mrs. Olivia was finally recovering from her mental health. Kaya siguro hindi niya kami napigilan. Or maybe Mrs. Olivia had totally convinced Kuya Seb that she knew nothing about the case kaya nilubayan niya na ito matagal na.

Kaso parang hindi ako kumbinsido na madaling maiisahan ni Mrs. Ramirez si Kuya Seb dahil magaling itong kumilatis ng tao. Alam niya kung nagsisinungaling ang isang tao o hindi. Pero… sabagay, hindi naman lahat ng tao kaya niyang basahin.

I sighed and as I saw the traffic lights were still red, I quickly glanced at my wristwatch. I still have two hours if I wanted to visit Ice today, I thought as I observed my surrounding. Matao ang lansangan at ang daming sasakyang nagmamadali. Nakarinig ako ng malakas na iyak ng isang batang lalaki at agad akong napatingin sa pinagmulan ng ingay.

“Sinabi nang wag kang umiyak eh!” A woman, who was with the child, raised her voice in annoyance. Nakatayo sila dalawang metro ang layo mula sa ‘kin at sa tingin ko ay naghihintay rin sila na maging berde na ang kulay ng ilaw nang makatawid na sila sa kabilang kalsada. Imbis na tumahimik ang bata ay lalo lang itong umiyak.

Naalala ko tuloy si Ice at ang naging pag-uusap namin kahapon habang pilit niyang nilalabanan ang atake ng kanyang sakit.

“I… I become like this… b-because i-it happened in front of my eyes?” tanong niya at imbis na sagutin ko ‘yon ay niyakap ko siya at humingi ako ulit ng tawad dahil kailangan kong ipaalala ang nakaraan sa kanya. I felt his heart beat erratically against his chest and I wondered if there was something I could do to ease his pain.

After a few seconds of silence, he spoke again. He told me that he remembered it now, but the scenes were still blurred in his head. He forced the words out of his lips as he clutched air to fill his lungs. I told him that he didn’t have to recall everything. He didn’t have to.

“Then what should I do?” he asked in a weak voice. Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya at tinignan ko siya sa mata.

“For now, rest and don’t think about it,” sagot ko habang inaalala ang kalagayan niya.

“Hindi ko kayang hindi isipin eh,” he said, his voice sounded so broken. “My mother killed someone. I was a son of a murderer.” Patuloy pa rin siya sa paghahabol ng kanyang hininga but right now, he didn’t seem to mind it. Like he was used to it already.

“Ice, tama na please. Wag ka nang magsalita,” I pleaded yet he didn’t listen to me. Instead he told me what he remembered, little by little, in between his breaths.

According to Ice, that day, he sneaked inside the library, like he usually did. Kahit pinagbabawalan na siya ng dad niya na pumunta doon. It was his hiding place, ‘yung gilid, ‘yung dulong parte ng bookshelf, at nagbabasa siya ng isang poetry book nang may pumasok na isang babae sa loob. It was the woman who was always pestering his dad and he hates her for that because she was one of the reasons why most of the time, his dad looked annoyed. He mentioned about remembering that once, Ms. Sherry told her that their mom and dad used to argue because of Mrs. Park and that she hates her as well. But since he was still a child that time, hindi niya ‘yon masyadong pinagtutuunan ng pansin dahil hindi niya naman ‘yon naiintindihan.

Sabi niya, nanatili siyang tahimik para di siya palabasin ni Mrs. Park sa silid. Nagpatuloy siya sa pagbabasa hanggang sa makalimutan niya na ang presensiya ng babae sa library.

And his story stopped there because he fell asleep. And I thanked God he did because I didn’t want him to remember those bad memories of him anymore.

My thoughts were interrupted by the quick movement of the people within my area. I looked up and noticed that the traffic lights turned green. Dahil dito ay nagsimula na akong tumawid sa pedestrian crossing.

Mayamaya ay naramdaman ko ang pag-vibrate ng cellphone sa bulsa ko. I quickly took it and checked the name of the person calling me. Agad ko ‘yong sinagot nang makita kong si Ice ‘yon.

I was about to open my mouth to say that I was planning to visit him but I froze when I heard his frantic breathing. “A-ayos ka lang ba? Anong nangyari?” I quickly asked, my heart was pumping loudly in my chest.

“Jamie, w-what should I do?” Ice asked and I could easily tell he was crying. My grip on the phone tightened as my anxiety intensified. “I—I…” Panic rise within me when his voice trailed off and I heard a few muffled sobs from the other line.

“Ice? Tell me, what hap—”

“I remembered something more about what happened that day,” he said in a trembling voice.

“W-what is it?”

“Y-you… y-you’re wrong, Jamie. I-it wasn’t… it wasn’t my mom who killed that woman. It wasn’t her.”

“T-then… who?” I asked as I stopped walking. Just as my heart probably stopped beating as well.

“I-it’s me.” My mouth fell open in disbelief as tears started to ruin my face. I could hear his voice repeat themselves in my head.

It’s me.

“I—I was the one who held the vase and hit it on the back of the woman’s head,” he added and I felt my world’s falling about.

“No. It can’t be.” I shook my head violently. “That’s a lie, isn’t it?” I asked with a hollow smile dangling on my lips. “There’s no way you could have done it.” Mr. Richard said to his wife that it was Mrs. Hilda who killed Carl’s mom. It was what he said. It was the truth! “Tell me you’re just lying! Ice!” I raised my voice as the tears continued to stream down my face.

The empty smile on my face faded when I heard him stifle sobs. “I-I’m sorry…”

Bago ako makapagkasalita ay may biglang lumapit sa ‘kin. Horror dawned on me as I realized it was someone I knew. Nabitawan ko ang cellphone ko nang ngumisi siya sa ‘kin at patuloy na lumapit sa kinatatayuan ko. Then I felt a sharp twinge on my left belly. Tumingin ako sa pinagmumulan ng mantinding sakit at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makitang may nakabaon na kusilyo doon. And before I lost my consciousness, I heard the girl who stabbed me shriek in terror and asked for help.

Chapter 21: To Be Forgotten

Jamie

THE moment I opened my eyes, I heard someone said, “Thank God! She’s already awake!” and the familiarity of her voice sent a wave of nostalgia through me that was almost devastating. I blinked and wondered where I was and what the fuck was Erika doing here. Her warm right hand was firmly holding mine; a look of genuine concern was etched on her face. I was having a hard time confirming if this was reality or a horrible nightmare.

When her cold and blank eyes flickered to mine for an instant, my chest tightened and I felt a shiver run down my spine. Panic rise within me as I noticed the contorted expression on her face—like she was up to something sinister.

“Mabuti naman kung gano’n.” Narinig kong sabi ng isang may katandaan nang lalaki. Lumapit siya sa gilid ng kama ko. I squinted at the man, trying to recall if I’ve seen him before but even before I arrived into a conclusion, he showed me his police badge and announced who he was and why he’s here. “Alam ko na hindi pa ganoon kabuti ang iyong pakiramdam, Ms. Ramos, ngunit kailangan kong sabihin sa iyo ang mga nangyari para makakuha kami ng impormasyon mula sa ‘yo na makatutulong sa agarang pagdakip sa taong gumawa sa ‘yo niyan,” he said carefully bago niya itinuro nang saglit ang tagiliran ko. I momentarily stared at it and I froze when I saw that it was bandaged. Nang subukan kong gumalaw nang kaunti ay nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang sakit mula rito. Mukhang naalarma si Erika kaya inabisuhan niya ako na wag akong masyadong maggagalaw dahil matatagalan pa bago maghilom nang tuluyan ang sugat sa tiyan ko.

Before I could even react, the police started to explain that I was stabbed by someone while I was crossing the main street and Erika, who was also at the pedestrian crossing that moment, coincidentally saw what happened and was kind enough to ask for help, thus I was brought to the hospital and luckily survived the fatal wound that I’ve gained for putting my guard down. She even called the police, hoping that the criminal would be quickly arrested.

All throughout the police’s account, Erika was smiling frighteningly at me and it was enough to make me feel a certain sense of dread.

“Mabuti na lang at may mga natitira pang mabuting loob sa panahon ngayon, kundi…” the police purposely hanged his words in the air before he slightly shook his head and frowned. He drew a sigh before he added, while looking at me with a pang of sympathy in his eyes, “Anyway, I hope you have already grasp the situation, Ms. Ramos.”

Yes, I’ve already ‘grasp the situation’ that you’ve been fooled by the fucking criminal herself, who was pretending to be a kind-hearted witness, I thought to myself as I nodded my head tentatively and looked at them with utmost caution. I knew that right at this moment, confessing to him the whole truth was the last thing that I should do if I still want to stay alive. Dafuck. I couldn’t believe I was trapped in this kind of situation. Shit, what should I do?

He gave me a weak smile and said, “Alright, so magsisimula na ako sa pagtatanong sa ‘yo. Naalala mo ba kung anong itsura ng lalaking sumaksak sa ‘yo?”

“L-lalaki?” I questioned on impulse as I knitted my brows, belatedly realizing that Erika’s still eyeing me with those spine-chilling eyes of her.

“Based on Ms. Estacio’s testimony, isang lalaking nakasuot ng jacket na itim, maong pants at cap na asul ang sumaksak sa ‘yo,” kunot-noong paliwanag ng pulis sa akin. “Hindi mo ba natatandaan ang mukha niya?”

I let his words settle into silence as I mulled over what he had said. Great, so she had successfully shifted the criminal offense in someone else. I just hope this bitch wouldn’t frame up any of my friends for this mess or else…

Or else what? Could I really win against her if she’s backed up by Kuya Seb?

Fuck. I froze and felt my heart race rapidly as I remembered Ice and what he confessed to me before this mess had started. Ano na kayang nangyari sa kanya? I hope he’s fine. I hope he wouldn’t do anything reckless. Ugh. I wanted to see him! Kung kailan naman ako kailangan ni Ice saka naman nagparamdam si Erika! Though inaasahan ko nang sooner or later ay magpapakita siya sa ‘kin at paghihigantihan ako sa kung ano mang nagawa ko sa kanya, I still would have preferred if she would pick another time for thi—

“Manong pulis,” Erika butted in, her voice was laced with worry. “I think it’s better if you would just go back tomorrow. She was still in shock because of what happened so I’m afraid that she couldn’t easily answer your questions.”

“Maybe you’re right,” sabi nito habang hinihimas ang baba niya at di pa rin nawawala ang kunot sa noo. Tumingin siya sa ‘kin saglit at bahagyang ngumiti. “Pasensiya ka na, Ms. Ramos, kung naabala kita sa ‘yong pamamahinga.” May kinuha siya sa kanyang pitaka at ibinigay niya iyon sa ‘kin. “Tawagan mo agad ako kung may naalala ka na sa nangyari. Anyway, I’ll visit you tomorrow. Take care.”

“Salamat po, manong pulis,” Erika said to the police politely, her smile became sweet and natural that I have to fight with myself not to roll my eyes.

“Salamat din sa ‘yo, hija,” the police replied in gratitude. “Siya nga pala,” huminto siya saglit at parang nagtaka, “mananatili ka pa ba rito sa ospital? Wala ka bang lakad na mahalaga?”

Her grin widened after she shook her head. “Walang lakad na mas hahalaga pa sa kaibigan kong ito,” she answered as she sharpy stared at me while squeezing my hand tightly. Tapos nilingon niya na ulit ang pulis at pasimpleng binitawan ang kamay ko.

“Magkaibigan kayo?” The police sounded authentically surprised by what she’d said.

“Yes, in fact, we’re best friends,” she said confidently and I suddenly wanted to slap her in the face and deny her of the satisfication of seeing me in this kind of condition, but I knew I couldn’t. If I would gave in to my emotions for a moment and provoked her then she might really kill me the next time she has a chance and I wasn’t prepared to die yet. Not at this time. I still have a lot of things to do and—

My thoughts were interrupted by Erika’s voice. “Pero ilang buwan na rin kaming hindi nagkikita. If it wasn’t for this incident then I doubt we’d ever cross our paths again. Right, Jamie?” she asked with a huge smile spread across her face, one that could only mean one thing: agree to what I’m saying unless you want to be in real danger.

I gulped and repeatedly nodded my head in panic. I knew I should say something but I was afraid that instead of saying what she expected me to say, I would blurt out ‘help me’ to the police though doing so wasn’t a guarantee that I would be saved since may mga kakampi rin sila from the police force.

The police gave a satisfied look on his face before he commented, “I see. This incident might be a blessing in disguise for the both of you.”

No, it’s definitely not, I thought with my mouth shut. Kung mababasa mo lang ang isipan ko ay mare-realize mong kabaliktaran ng inaakala mo ang katotohanan. This was not a chance encounter of some sorts. This was all planned to make me suffer from her clutches.

After he bid his farewell, the police left and thus, I was now alone with Erika inside the room. I was hardly surprised when she locked the door before she faced me again with a wicked smirk hanging on her lips.

“Alam mo bang na-miss kita, Jamie?” she said warmly and I just casted my eyes downwards to avoid her gaze. I repeatedly told myself not to react even if I wanted to. All I should do is to listen to everything she was going to say to me, apologize for my faults and wish she would be considerate enough to spare me my life.

She snorted and added when I didn’t respond. “Hindi ka naniniwala?” I remained silent and felt the intensity of her glare towards me even without looking. “Oh well, I guess you’re not excited to talk to someone who had attempted to kill you a few hours ago.” Tumawa siya nang bahagya saka nagpatuloy na magsalita. “You have nothing to worry about. That stab wasn’t meant to kill you. Hindi ako tanga para patayin ka…” Nag-angat ako ng mga mata sa kanya at ngumisi siya. “…sa isang mataong lugar.”

“Ano bang nagawa ko sa ‘yo para gawin mo ang lahat ng ito?” I asked with fear in my eyes. Di ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. Kung papatayin niya rin lang ako, mas mabuti nang malinaw sa ‘kin ang kanyang dahilan para gawin ‘yon.

She stifled a laugh which was meant to mock me, before she chuckled loudly, not caring if someone might hear her. “So you’re saying you’ve already forgotten what you’ve done to me?” tanong niya pagkatapos niyang tumawa. “Bilib din talaga ako sa abilidad mong magsinungaling eh. Ang galing mong umarte!” she snapped, jaw clenched, and eyes fiercing with hatred. Pumalakpak siya nang dahan-dahan habang nakatingin sa ‘kin nang masama. “Your amazing performance moved me, Jamie.”

“Hindi ako umaarte. Talagang hindi ko ala—”

Bigla niya akong kwinelyuhan at tinitigan sa mga mata. “Pwes, ipapaalala ko sa ‘yo ang lahat… nang magising ka sa katotohanang wala kang karapatang magpanggap na naaapi rito.” Binitawan niya na ako at nagsimula siyang maglakad patungo sa bintana. Huminto siya sa tapat no’n bago siya muling lumingon sa ‘kin.

“Tinuring kitang kaibigan pero ginamit mo lang ako,” she accused as she bit her lip. “Ginawa mo lang akong tuntungan para matupad mo ang pangarap mo. Pinamukha mo sa ‘kin na wala akong karapatang mangarap. Inagaw mo sa ‘kin ang lahat… ang lahat-lahat. At unti-unti, pinatay mo ‘ko, gamit ang mga kasinungalingan mo. Buong buhay kong pinagsisisihan na nakilala kita at hinayaan kitang maging parte ng buhay ko.” Tuluyan siyang naluha habang lalong tumindi ang galit sa kanyang mukha.

“The first time I talked to you was when I noticed your skirt was stained with blood.” My eyes grew wide as I started to recall what she was talking about. “Tinulungan kita kahit alam kong simula nang mag-transfer ka sa section one ay binu-bully ka na ng mga kaklase natin. They couldn’t accept you because they knew you’re from a lower section. They couldn’t accept that someone like you could break their high scores in exams. They couldn’t accept that the teachers never failed to mention your name and praise you for your great efforts in achieving high grades whenever they lecture the students from the class who tend to slack off. Hindi ka nila matanggap dahil parang wala lang sa ‘yo ang lahat. ‘You’re too good to be true’ one of my friends told me and she believed it was all an act. No one could be okay when they’re being bullied and that’s exactly what you’re showing them. Nagiging mabait ka pa rin sa kanila at nginingitian mo sila kahit ginagago ka na nila. ‘You’re just faking it,’ she added, but still, tinulungan kita. Naniniwala kasi ako noon na ang pagtulong ko sa ‘yo ang maaaring maging simula para maayos na ang trato sa ‘yo ng lahat. I thought, as the class president, it was the right thing to do to stop the bullying. But I failed. The bullying just got worse kasi nadamay na ako. But I didn’t mind because we’ve become friends.

“I must admit I enjoyed your company kahit pa laging puro tungkol sa ‘yo na lang ang pinag-uusapan natin. That time, I thought, you just wanted someone to understand and appreciate you and believe me, pinilit kong maging ako ‘yong taong kailangan mo. Pinaramdam ko sa ‘yo na hindi ka nag-iisa, na maliban sa dad mo, may nagmamahal pa sa ‘yong iba—katulad ko at ni Lola Salome—kahit pa ang pagiging mag-isa ang laging pinaparamdam mo sa ‘kin, na kahit ako na ‘yong nagkukwento ng buhay ko, nagpapanggap ka lang na nakikinig pero ang totoo, wala ka talagang pakialam. You’re just thinking about yourself and how you’d be perfect to get your father’s attention. Para sa ‘yo, ang mga ’yon lang ang mahalaga at wala nang iba. Pero binalewala ko ‘yong sakit na binibigay mo sa ‘kin kasi mahalaga ka sa ‘kin at kaibigan talaga ang turing ko sa ‘yo. Ikaw kasi ang naging pinakamalapit na kaibigan ko, ang nakaalam ng mga pangarap at problema ko sa buhay, kaya akala ko ayos lang ‘yon. Saka naniniwala ako na darating din ‘yong araw na maa-appreciate mo rin ako… pero hindi dumating ang araw na ‘yon.

“Instead, I was forced to face the truth that you’re just using me to be accepted by the whole class, to earn the hearts of the majority and be extremely popular. I was forced to face the truth that the reason why I remained to be hated and bullied, why my grades never go up in spite my tremendous efforts, why my reputation became worst, was all because of you and your lies.” Tuluyan na siyang naiyak, ngunit hinayaan niyang tumulo ang mga luhang iyon sa kanyang mga pisngi at nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

“Whenever you do something wrong in order to get what you want, pinagkakalat mo sa iba na ako ang gumawa ng mga kamaliang ‘yon, behind my back. Katulad no’ng sa beauty contest kung saan binayaran mo ang mga judges beforehand at nang lumabas ang issue tungkol do’n nang manalo ka ay sinabi mo sa mga umaakusa sa ‘yo na ako ang gumawa no’n para suportahan ka. There were a lot of circumstances where you’ve placed the blame on me. How heartless can you be, Jamie?” she asked, smiling reluctantly, and it was enough for tears to stream down my face and felt my heart bled in pain.

“Alam mo ba kung ga’no kasakit sa ‘kin ang malaman na ‘yung taong pinapahalagahan ko nang husto at sinusuportahan nang todo, ‘yung taong proud na proud ako sa narating sa buhay—lalung lalo na ang mga achievements niya sa school, 'yong taong kinaiinggitan ko kasi may pamilya siyang inuuwian at may Lola Salomeng nagmamahal sa kanya nang sobra, ‘yung taong tinuring kong kaibigan, ang siya mismong naninira sa ‘kin at gumagawa ng paraan para kamuhian ako ng lahat? Do you have any fucking idea how many times I cried when I found that out? Do you have any idea how painful it was to realize that I’ve been fooled by the person I trusted the most? Do you have any idea how you made my life miserable? How you’ve taken everything away from me? How you’ve made me suffer until I no longer felt I am living?”

“I—I’m sorry,” I murmured between my sobs, even though my throat felt clogged. “H-hindi ko alam na—”

“Sorry? Hindi mo alam?” she echoed with mock sarcasm. “Sinira mo ang buhay ko tapos ‘yan ang sasabihin mo sa ‘kin? Do you think your sorry would make everything alright? Do you think your bullshit excuse that you don’t know what you’ve done would make a difference? No. Fucking no! Kahit anong sabihin o gawin mo, hindi no’n mababawasan, ni katiting, ang galit ko sa ‘yo!”

“I’m sorry,” I continued to sob. “I know it sounds stupid but I’ve really forgotten what I’ve done to you. But that doesn’t mean I would deny everything that you’ve said. I know I’m screwed and flawed and that I was blinded by the delusion that if I’d be perfect, my dad you’d love me. Pero alam ko na hindi sapat na dahilan ang mga ‘yon para ma-justify ang mga kasalanang nagawa ko sa ‘yo. Sorry dahil ginamit kita at inagaw ko ang pangarap, kaligayahan, at kinabukasan mo. Sorry dahil kinalimutan kita, kasama ng iba ko pang masasamang alaala ng nakaraan simula nang mamamatay si dad at ma-realize ko na wala nang patutunguhan pa ang lahat ng mga ginagawa ko para lang sa kanya. Nang mga panahon na ‘yon, sa tingin ko, tuluyan na akong mawawala sa sarili ko kung hindi ko kayo kinalimutan. What happened in my life was too much for me to handle and I’m sorry that I—”

She snorted and smirked. “So what do you want me to do? Forget about what you did to me and make a fresh start? Ha! Don’t fuck with me! Nitong mga nakalipas na buwan, walang ibang laman ang isipan ko kundi ang mga ginawa mo sa ‘kin at kung paano ako makakaganti sa ‘yo. Nitong mga nakalipas na buwan, ultimong pagpikit ko, naalala kita at ‘yong galit ko sa ‘yo. Sa tingin mo ba makakaya kong kalimutan na lang ang lahat, ha? Ha?!”

“Hindi ko naman sinasab—”

“Nang dahil sa ‘yo, hindi ko nakuha ang scholarship na pinapangarap ko. Nang dahil sa ‘yo, naalis ako sa foundation na kinabibilangan ko. Nang dahil sa ‘yo, walang gustong tumanggap sa ‘kin na university, employer o kahit na sino. Dahil akala nila masama akong tao. Nangyari ang lahat ng iyon nang dahil sa ‘yo!”

“Erika, I—”

“Tapos ang kapal ng pagmumukha mong maging masaya sa piling ng mansyong pinaglilingkuran mo samantalang tinanggalan mo ako ng pagkakataong maging masaya!” kwinulwelyuhan niya ako habang umiiyak at sumisigaw sa galit. “Anong karapatan mo para tumawa at ngumiti habang hindi na nawala ang mga luha sa mukha ko, ha? Anong karapatan mo na magtamasa ng maraming biyaya, ng magandang trabahong may mataas na sweldo, mabait na amo at ng maraming mga kaibigan, habang nagdurusa ako, at walang masandalan, ha? Anong karapatan mo para ipamukha sa akin na isa na lamang akong alaala ng iyong nakaraan, ha? Ha?! Sumagot ka!”

Patuloy akong humingi ng tawad habang umiiyak. Binitawan niya na ang kwelyo ko at pinahid ang sarili niyang mga luha.

“Drop it. Kahit ilang beses kang humingi ng tawad, hindi na magbabago ang isip ko, Jamie. At first, I thought I would be satisfied if I torture you psychologically. I made you believe you’ve killed me, as well as your family. And made you realize you’re a lot more horrible of a person than you already are, and that you had no choice but to turn yourself in and admit the crimes I’ve made up with Sebastian’s help to let the the general public make your life miserable—just like what you did to me. Pero hindi natupad ang plano ko dahil sa pangingialam ng mga nagmamagaling mong kaibigang wala namang alam sa totoo mong pagkatao. Sa totong ikaw, Jamie. Hindi nila alam na ‘yong pinuprotektahan nila ang totoong kontrabida rito. I bet they’d leave you if they find out what you’ve done to me. But that wasn’t going to cheer me up. I realized that no matter what kind of revenge I’d use, nothing could make me cease hating you with every bit of my being. However, I knew that I must put an end to this because I don’t have any plan of wasting the rest of my life to you. That’s why I hope you’re pleased with what you’ve learned from the person you love the most, because that sums up the truth that you and your friends had been desperately looking for.”

My eyes widened in shock. “P-pa’no mo nalaman ang tungkol s—”

Her eyes darkened and her wicked smile returned. “Oh my God, haven’t you realized yet that Sebastian had planted a listening device in Ice’s room ever since he was admitted to the hospital?”

Chapter 22: To Be Punished

Jamie

I STARED at her, utterly appalleled. Erika ran her hand through her hair jaggedly.

“What? Wag mong sabihin sa ‘king ni hindi man lang pumasok ang ideyang ‘yon sa kukote mo at ng mga kaibigan mong mahilig magmagaling?” Amused giggles spilled from her lips every few seconds. “Do you think Sebastian would leave that guy alone just because he was sick and couldn’t remember what he did twelve years ago? Of course not!” Tumawa siya at ngumisi. “Let me tell you something interesting,” she said in a whisper as she leaned forward, close to my face. “His confession was what I’ve been waiting for,” bulong niya sa tenga ko bago siya unting-unting lumayo sa mukha ko at ngumisi nang malapad. “What does it feel?” she asked in amusement. “What does it feel to know that the person who made you realize that you are still capable of loving someone except your father was actually a murderer?”

I know it made sense that Ice was the killer. Though Mrs. Hilda planned on killing Carl’s mom herself, she failed, because the moment she went inside the library, she was already dead. Upon realizing what her son had done, she immediately covered up for his crime. That’s the reason why that moment, she hadn’t used her gloves yet. That’s the reason why she had to erase the fingerprints on the broken vase on the floor, because it contained her son’s, not hers. That’s the reason why she had to tell Mr. Richard why she killed her. Kasi kailangan niya itong mapaniwala na siya ang gumawa ng krimen at hindi ang anak niya. Pero kahit alam ko na ang totoo, hindi ko pa rin matanggap. Masakit, masakit malaman ang storya sa likod ng trahedyang naganap twelve years ago.

“It must have felt nice… killing the person who’s been bugging your loved one. He must’ve felt that ah, finally, I’ve done something that could make my father accept and love me.”

Tears stung my eyes, the branches of events following a tragedy splattered inside my head, and even though I mustered all my strength to hold them back, I couldn’t. This is just too sad and painful… to imagine everything through her words that I couldn’t do anything but cry.

“Hmm… parang may kilala rin akong gano’n mag-isip,” she went on, her voice was cheery. “’Yung tipong gagawin kahit ano, makuha lang ang pagmamahal at atensyon ng dad niya. Kilala mo ba kung sinong binabanggit ko, Jamie?”

“Tama na…” I mumbled as I used both of my hands to cover my ears, because I knew that whatever she was going to say next was going to break me. “Please, tama na.”

“Eh? What are you talking about? And why are you crying?” natatawa niyang tanong sa ‘kin. “Kakasimula ko lang pero—”

“Tama na, Erika,” I pleaded. “Nakikiusap ako sa ‘y—”

“No amount of tears would ever make me stop, Jamie,” she said coldly, her face was completely expressionless—as if every trace of human feeling faded from her whole being. And that’s when I realized that it’s my fault. I was the one who took it from her. That’s why I don’t have the right to stop her, no matter how her words would break me bit by bit, little by little, until I was nothing but an empty shell.

After a few seconds, she grinned again; her face became lively as she clapped her hands together once. “Alright, going back to what I’m talking about… don’t you think you two are almost similar? Both of you purposely hidden away your past in order to protect yourself. Well, ang pinagkaiba n’yo nga lang, he has the guts to kill, which you don’t have. Ironically, that guts he had in his childhood would eventually put his life in danger.”

“A-anong ibig mong sabihin?” kinakabahan na tanong ko sa kanya.

“Don’t play dumb, Jamie. I know you knew him too well to realize what I’m talking about.”

I froze for a second and immediately looked around to find my cellphone. Tumawa si Erika nang malakas.

“It’s a shame that the cellphone which he had given to you were already resting in a trashcan several kilometers away from here.”

Lalong nagbaksakan ang luha ko. “E-Erika—”

“He must’ve thought that he didn’t only kill his friend’s mom, he also caused the death of his parents. He was the reason why his sister was forced to handle their companies at kahit hindi niya alam na siya rin ang dahilan ng pagpapakamatay ng ama ng isa niyang malapit na kaibigan at pagkabaliw ng nanay nito, at kung hindi dahil sa ginawa niya ay walang mga pamilyang madadamay sa pagtatago ng katotohanan, ay sigurado akong alam mo na mayroon lang siyang dalawang naiisip na option sa puntong ito: ang sumuko sa mga pulis o magpakamatay.”

“N-nakikiusap ako…” My voice broke, my breath catching in my throat. She looked at me without an ounce of empathy in her eyes.

“Naalala mo ba no’ng tinawagan ka niya kanina? He’s crying, right? He couldn’t handle the truth that escaped from the memories he locked at the back of his mind, that’s why he called you. Not his sister, not Sebastian, not Ed or any of his friends, but you. He was asking for your help, Jamie.” Patuloy ang mga luha ko sa pagtulo, kasabay ng lalong pagdiin ng mga kamay ko sa aking mga tainga.

“Tama na!” I couldn’t help but to say but she still continued.

“He thought he could hold on to you like a lifeline, like he usually did. He thought that you would understand him. Pero binigo mo siya… binigo mo siya sa oras na kailangang-kailangan niya ng taong masasandalan, ng taong magsasabi sa kanyang magiging maayos din ang lahat. Binigo mo siya, Jamie—”

“But that’s because you interfered! If it weren’t for you, I would’ve—”

“Ano? Anong magagawa mo? Anong kaya mong gawin para sa kanya?” Her questions shut me up. Her lips formed into a sardonic smile. “Do you think you could stop him from choosing between the two options I talked about? No, because his guilty conscience wouldn’t allow him to pretend that nothing significant had happened. Do you think you could cover up his crime? No, because there’s no way you’re connected with it and it’s too late to start creating new lies. I’m telling you, you couldn’t possibly do anything. Our plan was perfect, after all.”

“What? So all these—”

“Definitely,” she answered in a beat before she folded her arms across her chest. She snorted and added. “Do you really believe what that bitch had told you? Ha! I’ve never been a coward in my entire life. I’m just waiting for the perfect time—which was his confession.”

“P-pero imposibleng pumayag si Kuya Seb n—”

“What do you exactly know about him? What do you even know about his—no, our plan?” The cruelty in her cold eyes was burning my strength to talk back. “Do you really think he was doing his best in concealing what happened for Sherry and Ice’s sake?” A soft chuckle erupted from her lips.

So Carl’s right? Kuya Seb was doing all these things for an entirely different reason and it has probably something to do with avenging his father’s death?

“Ridiculous. Sinong tanga ang magsasakripisyo ng sarili niya para sa dalawang taong hindi niya naman kadugo? All this time, that guy’s just thinking about amusing himself. That’s why he wouldn’t give a damn whether his Young Master would surrender himself to the police or commit suicide. He wouldn’t give a shit if his Young Lady would go mad after finding out what her little brother did to their family and to the lives of their people.”

“I don’t understand. He did all those horrible things—to the extent that someone committed suicide because of his threats—just to entertain himself?”

“Since I’m going to end your life after this, I might as well tell you about what I know,” she said with a glint of delight in her eyes. “Sebastian was raised by his father who would manipulate people’s feelings, even lives, just to earn money. His old man was heartless, he said, and being his son meant that he also have to do what his dad’s doing. At such a young age, he realized his life was being controlled by his father and he had no right to complain—because he was still alive, all thanks to him and his dirty money. Kaya parang hulog ng langit sa kanya ang pagkakadakip ng dad niya at pagkakakulong nito. At last, he’s finally free from him. At hindi lang ‘yon, dahil sa abilidad niyang tinuro sa kanya ng ama niya dati, ay nakuha niya ang tiwala ng pamilya Perez. Now he didn’t have to worry about anything else, kasi may lugar na siyang uuwian, may pagkain siyang kakainin, at may mga taong umiintindi sa pangagailangan niya. He said that being a butler was a boring job. But since it was the task that was given to him, he had no choice but to do his best. Another thing, his former Master entrusted him the truth about the incident—or shall I say tragedy—twelve years ago. For him, keeping it a secret made his job somewhat interesting. After all, he could use it to threaten people and make fun of you and your friends.”

“What?”

“The thing is… he didn’t really care if you guys would know the truth. Kahit pa sabihing naging accomplice siya sa krimen dahil sa aktibong kooperasyon niya sa tuluyang pagkabura ng katotohanan ay hindi rin naman siya mapaparusahan dahil konektado ang dati niyang amo na si Arturo Perez sa mga pulis. So that means, malaman n’yo man o hindi na si Ice ang salarin ay wala ‘yong magiging epekto sa kanya. Sino ba ang masasaktan kapag nalaman n’yo na ang totoo? Hindi ba kayo-kayo rin naman? The only reason why he’s pretending to desperately hide what happened was so he could manipulate dumb people like you. Oh, the joy of laughing ourselves sick while watching you and your friends dance in the tune we had created. Even Ed was delighted to see you and your friends make a fool of yourselves by acting as know-it-all detectives in a mystery novel,” she said while laughing, her tone was soaked with mockery. “Arturo didn’t know that what he entrusted to Sebastian was not just the truth but also his power to use his influence to control anyone. Not to mention that he was left to take care Sherry and Ice who, both, were too idiot to realize that they’re already being used and deceived by the person they trusted too much to the extent of treating him as their family.” Tumawa ulit siya ng malakas.

“A-ang sama n’yo,” I said in a monotonous voice, hoping I didn’t sound as scared as I felt.

She snorted. “Don’t talk as if you’re not like us.”

“H-hindi na ako katulad ng dati!” I shouted, my eyes moistening with fury.

“Oh yeah? So what do you want me to do? Clap my hands?” she said sarcastically before she made an open laugh. “Don’t be a hypocrite, Jamie. What’s wrong with manipulating people? Isn’t that what everyone is doing? Isn’t that what the society is doing? If you’re not going to control others then they would control you. What’s wrong with making fun of others? We’re living in the world where you have to be strong in order to survive. If you couldn’t do a simple job of protecting yourself from adversaries then you have no right to complain if you’re laughed at! It’s not the strong one’s fault that they’re strong but it’s the weak one’s fault that they’re weak.”

“Just because everyone’s doing it doesn’t mean it was right—”

“So what’s right? And what’s wrong?” she said with a hollow smile on her face. “Do you think you have the right to decide which is which? No, because those things wouldn’t matter now that any moment, you’re going to receive the best punishment I could ever give to you in order to end this all.” Ngumisi siya nang malapad at nilabas mula sa bag niyang nakapatong sa gilid ang isang matalim na kutsilyong nakabalot sa telang may bahid ng dugo—na sa palagay ko ay nagmula sa ‘kin nang saksakin niya ako ilang oras na ang nakalilipas.

“Do you have anything you’d like to say before I kill you?” she said nonchalantly as she looked at the knife she was holding as if she was trying to capture every detail of it. “Oo nga pala, nakalimutan kong sabihin.” Tumingin siya sa ‘kin at ngumiti. “May nakatagong maliit na camera sa kwartong ito at nakakunekta ‘yon sa laptop ni Sebastian sa mansyon. I bet your dearest friend Ed was also with him, enjoying our talk. Would you like to tell anything to them?”

I didn’t say anything; though what she just said made my blood boil. At kahit pa gusto kong pagmumurahin at sumbatan silang tatlo ay alam kong wala ring magiging saysay iyon. Magsasayang lang ako ng lakas. I think I should just prepare for my death, even though I don’t have much time left. I should just accept my punishment—tutal kasalanan ko naman ito eh.

In fact, kasalanan ko rin na nagdurusa ngayon si Ice. Kung no’ng una pa lang ay nakinig ako kay Carl na delikado ang pag-alam namin sa katotohanan, kung hindi ko siya pinilit na simulan ‘yong imbestigasyon namin, hindi sana masasaktan si Ice at si Ms. Sherry. Hindi sana masasaktan sina Carl, Lloyd at iba ko pang kaibigan.

This was my entire fault.

“Wala ka ba talagang gustong sabihin? Com’on, wag ka nang mahiya sa ‘kin, Jamie. Magkaibigan tayo, di ba?” she asked and gave a humorless laugh. “O mas gusto mong kausapin sa huling pagkakataon si Ice?” My eyes widened as I looked at her. Lalong tumindi ang tawa niya. “Kaso hindi ko alam kung buhay pa siya. Pfft… baka inunahan ka na niya!” Nagpapapalakpak siya habang tumatawa.

“Just shut up and kill me!” lakas-loob kong sabi sa kanya at nahinto siya sa pagtawa. “Don’t worry, hindi ako papalag.”

Bumungisngis siya. “It’s not like you can move freely in that kind of condition,” she said as she rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips while still holding with her right hand the sharp knife. “That’s the reason why I injured you—to see the look on your face when you no longer have any option but to face your death.”

“H-hindi ka ba naaawa kay Elizabeth?” I managed to ask which made her look at me seriously. “Ano sa tingin mo ang mararamdaman niya kapag nalaman niyang pumatay ka ng tao?”

“I don’t give a damn about that bitch. It’s not like hindi ko alam na nagpapanggap lang siya na nag-aalala sa ‘kin dahil gusto niya ng ate. In the end, she’s just being self-righteous—thinking only about herself—”

“Hindi totoo ‘yan! Mahalaga ka talaga para sa kanya!”

“So?” she said, annoyed. “May magbabago ba kung—” Nahinto siya sa pagsasalita nang mag-ring ang cellphone niya. “Tsk. Istorbo,” she mumbled to herself before she put down the knife beside her bag. Kinuha niya ang kanyang cellphone at sinagot ang tawag. Kinilabutan ako nang ngumisi siya pagkalipas ng ilang segundo. Tumango siya at may pinindot sa kanyang cellphone. “Sebastian has a present for you before you die. Isn’t that sweet?” nang-aasar na sabi niya.

“Nandito si Ice ngayon sa mansyon,” someone started to say from the other line and I was sure it was Kuya Sebastian. “He escaped from the hospital to apologize personally to Young Lady. He’s bawling his eyes out. He looked pathetic,” natatawa niyang sabi.

“H-hindi ka man lang ba naaawa sa kanila?” I asked.

“Isn’t that what you should ask yourself?” tanong niya sa ‘kin. “I’ve already warned you not to interfere with my job but still you continued to pursue the truth with your friends. Now that the Pandora’s box has already been opened, do you think you have the right to blame me for what happened? No, kasi kayo ang umalam ng katotohanan. Hindi ko kasalanan kung bakit nagdurusa ang mga taong malapit sa puso mo. On a positive note, nagawa na ni Ice na harapin ang ate niya nang hindi inaatake ng kanyang sakit. It might be a sign that he’d successfully cured himself—with your aide. You should be happy for him. Nakalaya na rin siya sa sakit niy—”

“Ang sama mo! Ang sama-sama mo, Kuya Seb!” I spat bitterly while sobbing and hiccupping, and he just laughed. Nakangiti lang si Erika habang nakikinig sa ‘ming dalawa.

“Sige lang, kamuhian mo ako. It’s not like I care,” sagot ni Kuya Sebastian bago siya tumawa at putulin ang tawag. Lumapad ang ngising hindi na nawala sa mukha ni Erika nang ibulsa niya ang cellphone at kunin na muli ang kutsilyo.

“Hindi ba’t ang sarap sa pakiramdam na nakatulong ka sa taong mahal mo?” natatawa niyang sabi habang palapit siya nang palapit sa ‘kin.

“Shut up,” naiinis na sabi ko habang nagpupunas ng mga luha. Nang ilapat niya ang kanyang kutsilyo sa aking leeg ay pumikit na lang ako.

“You know what, Jamie?” Erika said with a sad tone, which somewhat surprised me. “The truth is… I feel terrible for doing this to you.” Napadilat ako dahil sa sinabi niya. Nagsasabi ba talaga siya ng totoo o nagsisinungaling lang siya? “I feel sorry… but whenever I think about the pain that you’ve given to me, I was instantly reminded that it’s not my fault. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaganito. Ikaw ang nagbigay sa ‘kin ng dahilan para gawin ang bagay na ito. So goodbye,” unti-unti kong naramdaman ang pagdiin ng kutsilyo sa aking leeg. Pumikit ulit ako at dinama ang sakit habang nagsisimula na namang pumatak ang mga luha ko, “and I hope that in your next life, you wouldn’t commit the same mista—”

She was still talking but it was incoherent—like my brain had already refused to interpret the words that I could hear. Or maybe that’s because I was already dead.

Though it’s still a mystery to me if hell would welcome its new resident with a loud thud and a shrill cry.

Chapter 23: To Be Able To End The Cycle

Jamie

THERE was darkness everywhere. I could see nothing but my ears were hearing something barely audible.

It was the sound of fear.

It slowly crept inside me and tried to rob my consciousness. I shut my eyes and covered my ears with both of my trembling hands and shouted with all my might to release the tension building up inside me. When I couldn’t hear anything anymore, my heart started to calm down. But seconds later, I heard someone sob. Gusto kong buksan ang mga mata ko para matukoy ko kung saan nagmumula ang tinig na naririnig ko ngunit natatakot ako. I was afraid I’d verify that it was from someone close to my heart. I was afraid to know that person was crying because of me.

Because I was already gone.

“I’m sorry,” said the voice, weeping. Paulit-ulit niya iyong sinabi at pahina nang pahina ang boses niya. Masasabi kong nahihirapan siya at nasasaktan. And I have to control myself not to cry.

“I’m just pretending I didn’t know anything about it. I’m the worst. I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

My emotions started to break free from my eyes. I couldn’t hold back it any longer. Tears well up and rolled down my cheeks as I shook my head in disagreement. Binuka ko ang aking bibig at nagsalita ngunit hindi ko marinig ang sarili kong tinig. I felt my throat parched so I caressed my neck. Agad akong nakaramdam ng bahagyang sakit mula roon. I winced before I tried to breathe, my blood pounding in my closed eyes. It was then that I realized that the sound has already melted into silence.

And I was left alone in the darkness that has already engulfed my being.

Now I know why people were afraid to die. Death was a solitary confinement wherein you have to face yourself and the darkness in your heart. The feeling it brought were destructive enough to make you get swayed by madness—

I suddenly heard someone’s heartbeat. It was loud and fast. I could feel the warmth of that person’s skin over mine. At the back of my foggy mind, I wondered how it could be possible. I thought I was already dead and yet I could feel someone’s touch. Were these just a part of my imagination or not?

Confused, I finally opened my eyes, slowly, unsurely, until I was blinded by the white light. Nang makapag-adjust na ang mga mata ko sa liwanag ay napansin ko na hindi ako nag-iisa at ang liwanag na nakikita ko ay mula sa fluorescent lamp sa kisame. Someone, with his dusty white-dyed hair which fell into his eyes, was carefully coiling a clean cloth on my neck. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa niya sa mundong hindi niya kinabibilangan. All I knew was I could feel a sense of reality in the mere sight of him, and I sighed wondering what has happened after I passed away. Kamusta na kaya sil—

“Jamie?” The worry etched on his features faded as he saw me open my eyes. His face brightened and his lips lifted up into an honest-to-God smile.

“Nick,” I mumbled with a weak voice and his smiled widened.

“Anong nararamdaman mo? Masakit pa ba ang leeg mo? Wag kang mag-alala at tumawag na ng nurse si Raz,” sunud-sunod niyang sabi na halos makapagpasakit ng ulo kong halos wala pa sa wisyo.

“I—I’m still alive?” I wondered in disbelief and he chuckled.

“You fucking bet you do,” he answered cheerfully as he wiped the sweat on my forehead. I managed to give him a weak smile. “Guys, nagkamalay na si Jamie!” he said happily as he turned his face to the side, his voice spread a certain warmth in me.

“Told you her life’s not in danger,” someone said and I was certain it was Carl. Lumapit siya sa kama ko. “You worried too much,” sabi niya kay Nick. “The wound on Jamie’s neck wasn’t that deep—”

“But it’s bleeding!” sagot ni Nick. “What should we do if it won’t stop—”

Nahinto siya sa pagsasalita nang may marinig kaming kumalabog. Binaba ko ang aking tingin sa sahig. My eyes widened in shock as I saw Erika kneeling on floor, moaning angrily; her hands and feet were tied and her lips were sealed with tape. Lloyd seemed like he was just finished doing those things to her. Pilit pumapalag si Erika ngunit hindi niya kayang tanggalin ang pagkakatali sa kanya.

“B-bakit—” I started to say but Lloyd interfered as he stood up.

“Kung hindi ko siya igagapos ay baka kunin niya muli ang kutsilyo at magtangka ng masama.”

Magsasalita sana ako nang bumukas ang pinto ng silid at pumasok si Raz kasama ng nurse na tinawag niya. I saw the nurse looked surprised and puzzled at the same time because of the situation but she didn’t say anything and just proceeded into checking my wound.

“I’m glad you’ve regained your consciousness,” Raz uttered, grasping for breath. He looked at me and relief reflected on his face. “Seriously, I’m glad we made it on time. If it weren’t for the message Lloyd has received then we might—”

“M-message?” naguguluhan kong tanong habang iniinda ang sakit na dulot ng paggamot sa ‘kin ng nurse.

“It tipped us off about your location and that you’re in danger,” Nick answered. “However, we still haven’t determined who send it.”

“I’ve already asked our frat friends to help us in finding out—” Nahinto si Raz sa kanyang sinasabi dahil sa biglang pagsasalita ni Carl.

“No need. I already have an idea about who that person is.” Napatingin ang lahat sa kanyang seryosong mukha. “And if my hunch is correct, that sender would contact us soon. For now, I guess it’s better if we call the police to immediately arrest this woman for attempting to kill Jamie.”

“Ako na ang tatawag,” Nick volunteered as he glowered at Erika who was glaring back at him. “Sisiguraduhin ko na kahit may kapit sa pulis si Sebastian ay mabubulok ka sa bilangguan.” He was just one click away into calling the police when I butted in.

“Stop it,” I forced the words from my mouth. “Hindi n’yo kailangang tumawag ng mga pulis.”

“What?” Raz asked, a confused look was evident on his face. “Ano bang pinagsasasabi m—”

“I’m fine,” I pressed as I looked at him. “I appreciate your concern and efforts in saving my life but as you can see, I’m alright and—”

“So are you telling us to forget about what she did just because she failed on killing you?” inis na sabi ni Nick. “That’s bullshit, Jamie! Hindi porke ayos ka lang ay—”

“E-Erika didn’t do anything wrong,” I went on.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” tanong ni Nick. “Did this fucking bitch ordered you to say such things?!”

“Don’t address her that way,” I said as I gave Nick a long hard look. “She didn’t mean what she had done. It’s all my fault. Wala siyang kasalanan. Ideya ko ang lahat ng naganap. I asked her to stab me and put the blame on someone who doesn’t exist. I was the one who asked her to kill me because I’m already tired of living.”

“Wag kang magsinungaling sa ‘min, Jamie,” sabi naman ni Lloyd. “Sa tingin mo ba ay maniniwala kami sa sinasabi mo? Kilala ka namin. There’s no way you would—”

“Remove the tape on her mouth and untie her hands and feet,” I ordered him coldly but Lloyd just looked away, never planning to do what I told him.

“Anong mapapala mo sa pagtatanggol sa babaeng ‘yan, ha?” Raz questioned, his voice was harsh and his eyes were furious. “Have you already forgotten that she used her half sister just so she could make you suffer? Have you already forgotten that she tried to kill you at kung na-late kami maski isang segundo ay maaaring bangkay ka na naming aabutan? This is not the fucking time for hypocrisy! Let her pay for the sins she committed because she deserves it, even if you don’t think so. Even if you feel that there’s no need to be that cruel to her. That’s the law, Jamie. And we should all conform to the law.”

I glanced away as I inhaled sharply. Tears were starting to ruin my face. The nurse had already finished bandaging my wounds and so she informed me in a feeble voice to use the nurse call button if I needed anything. I just nodded my head a bit. She excused herself politely and left.

“Ang sabi ko, tanggalin n’yo ang tape sa bibig niya at kalagan n’yo siya!” I shouted while crying.

“No,” Carl said to Lloyd. “Just remove the tape on that bitch’s mouth and don’t touch her hands and feet. I’m thrilled to know what she has on mind after hearing what Jamie has said.”

Habang tinatanggal ni Lloyd ang tape sa bibig ni Erika ay tumingin sa ‘kin nang matalim si Carl. “She had already told you the reason why she loathes you, am I correct?” he asked and I turned my eyes away from him. “You’re guilty of creating a history between the two of you, a past that justified what she had become… because of what you’ve done. Unfortunately, I don’t think she’d be grateful to receive your sympathy,” ngumisi siya nang bahagya at lumingon kay Erika. “Tama ba ‘ko?”

“I’ve already told you that no matter what you say or do, I would never forgive you! So drop that fucking act already! Nobody wants your cheap sympathy!” she said, sharply, her eyes were boring holes on my face. “Mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kaysa magmukhang nangangailangan ng awa mo!”

“See? She doesn’t need it,” Carl said. “So why bother giving someone something that she would just shrug off?”

“I don’t care,” matigas kong sabi. “Hindi ko siya hahayaang makulong.” Lalo akong naiyak. Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko ng dalawa kong palad. “Wala siyang kasalanan. Wala.”

I heard someone sighed. I bet it’s Carl. “Erika, right?” tanong niya. “Know what, I mailed Elizabeth and told her that you’re here with us and she said she’s on her way here.”

“So? What are you trying to say?” pabalang na sagot ni Erika sa kanya.

“She thought that it was already the time to quit being your puppet and start to act on her own. That girl, she wants to save you. Even if you two were not blood-related, even if you don't care about her, even if you had already used her for your own good, she still wants to save you.” There was a short silence after that. “She wants to lessen and eventually remove the hatred and sadness in your heart. At first, she thought that she would accomplish that if she’d listen to what you want her to do but she was wrong. It only added fuel to your determination to finalize your revenge. And when she realized that, it broke her heart. She was aiding you in doing something she didn’t really want you to do.”

“Quit telling me about someone I don’t give a shit about!” iritableng sabi ni Erika pero nagpatuloy pa rin si Carl sa pagsasalita. Tumigil na ako sa pag-iyak at tumingin sa kanila.

“Isn’t it amazing how people became desperate in clinging with the bond they thought they had, no matter how shallow it is, just to temporarily forget they’re basically alone and no one really pays attention to their wounds? You could say that Elizabeth was just sad, being an only daughter of her busy parents—that’s why she wants to be close to you. You could label what she was doing as self-righteousness and narcissism. But I don’t think what she’s doing is wrong. Walang mali sa pag-aasam na pahalagahan at mahalin ka ng taong gusto mong magpahalaga at magmahal sa ‘yo. Walang mali sa pag-aasam na makatulong. Ang mali ay ‘yong pagkalimot niya sa tama at mali dahil sa kagustuhan niya na maging kapaki-pakinabang sa ‘yo. And you don’t have any right to use her for your own purpose. You don’t own her and she don’t owe you anything at all. Don’t forget that she’s a human being with feelings. If you don’t want her to cling to you then tell it straight to her face. Don’t spill over her the hatred you feel for Jamie. Because doing so would mean you’re just repeating what Jamie had done to you. Do you want to create another you? Gusto mo bang may makaramdam pang iba ng sakit at galit na naranasan mo? I assume you don’t, that’s why you want to end this all… by killing Jamie. Am I correct?”

“Sino ka ba para kausapin ako ng ganyan? Wala akong natatandaan na binigyan kita ng permiso para pagsalitaan ako ng mga bagay na akala mo ay naiintindihan mo. Just shut up and—”

“Wala rin akong natatandaan na binigyan kita ng permiso na magsalita laban sa ‘kin. Let me remind you that I was the one who asked Lloyd to remove the tape on your mouth. Don’t you think you should feel a bit grateful for what I’ve done?” nakangising sabi ni Carl na lalong nakapagpainit ng ulo ni Erika. She threw curses at him but he didn’t seem to mind it at all.

“Unfortunately, killing her wouldn’t make the cycle stop. Killing her wouldn’t make you satisfied. Because it would turn you into a monster. The act of killing her would turn you into someone worst than her. Do you want to be worst than someone you hate the most? You don’t, do you? That’s why you have to show her that you don’t give a damn about her and what she had done to you. Show her it’s her lost that she obtained everything that you wanted to have for yourself, by using you and not by her own abilities. Show her it’s her lost that she chose to throw away the friendship you offered to her. Show her you’re strong enough not to get defeated by hate. Show her you could be happy without dirtying your hands. Show her that your world didn’t stop the moment you find out about what she’d done. Show her, Erika. It’s not too late to start over—”

“Start over your fucking face! What do you know about me?! What do you know about what I’ve been through?!” sumisigaw si Erika habang umiiyak. Galit na galit siya. “Wala nang gustong tumanggap sa ‘kin. Wala na akong kinabukasan dahil sa kanya! Dahil sa kanya!”

“You’re wrong,” kalmado pa ring sabi ni Carl. “You have Elizabeth and her family. If you wanted to get a scholarship to study in college without their aid, we could help you. It’s not that nobody wants to accept you anymore; it’s just that you refused to accept anyone in your life. You refused their help and love for you. It’s not that you no longer have a future to look up to; it’s just that you refused to move forward and remained saddled by your past. You’re afraid that if you freed yourself from the past, you’d no longer have the chance to take your revenge to Jamie. But you’re wrong. Kahit hindi ka maghiganti sa kanya, God has ways to punish individuals who did wrong to others. And you might not know it but Jamie was already starting to atone the sins she’d done to you. I hope someday that the darkness in your heart would fade away. That’s the only way to end the cycle.”

And as if on cue, dumating nga si Elizabeth. She immediately hugged Erika and shouted at us for tying her half sister. Erika didn’t say anything else. She just cried her heart out.

“Sorry about it,” Carl said gently. “Pwede mo na siyang kalagan at iuwi sa inyo.”

“Carl!” Nick protested, his eyes were alarmed.

“What?” Carl turned to him. “She didn’t do anything wrong, right, Jamie?” tanong niya at tumingin siya sa ‘kin. Lalo akong naluha nang tumango ako.

“T-tulungan na kita,” nag-aalangang sabi naman ni Lloyd kay Elizabeth. Tumulong na rin si Raz sa pagtanggal sa mga tali sa paa at kamay ni Erika. Nang makalagan na nila ito ay inalalayan ni Elizabeth si Erika hanggang sa makalabas na sila ng pinto. Bago sila tuluyang umalis ay tumingin sa ‘kin si Elizabeth.

“I—I’m sorry for everything. And…” She shyly looked at Carl and continued. “…t-thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” Carl said as he looked away, his hands were on his pockets. “Just take care of your sister.”

Nang makaalis na sila ay bumuntong hininga si Nick at umupo sa gilid ng kama ko. “Geez. I can’t believe this all happened. I feel so tired.” Relief could be spelled out from his features.

“I have to commend Carl for his decision,” nakangiting sabi ni Raz. “Seriously, nakakabilib ka, dude. Sa’n mo nakuha ang mga pinagsasabi mo sa kanya? I don’t think I could deal with her.”

“It’s because I know what it feels like… wanting to kill someone you hate,” wala sa loob na sabi niya. “But I already overcome that feeling when I found out that the person I wanted to kill was already dead.”

I gulped and suddenly remembered about Ice and his confession. Dafuck. Why did I forget about him? Ano na kayang nangyari sa kanya?

“Also, I realized that not all killers are bad persons,” Carl added. “Sometimes, it’s just the circumstances which made them do the crime.”

“Tama ka d’yan,” Lloyd agreed. “Minsan may mga bagay na nangyayari na lang kahit wala namang may gusto na mangyari ito.”

I felt a throbbing pain deep in my head as my heart pumped loudly in my chest. Panic rise within me as I thought that I have to inform them about him. But would they save Ice if I told them the truth? Ngayon pang tanggap na ni Carl at Lloyd ang nangyari. Geez! Anong gagawin ko? I must decide now! Kailangan kong tulungan si Ice, even if it would surely affect the friendship I have with Carl and the rest.

“G-guys…” I said in hesitation and they all stared at me, “there’s something you need to know.”

“Ano ‘yun, Jamie?” Nick asked.

“Ice called me before this incident happened and h-he told me that it wasn’t his mom who killed Mrs. Park. It was him.”

“What?” di makapaniwalang tanong ni Lloyd.

“S-sabi niya naalala niyang siya ang pumatay kay Mrs. Park. At first I don’t want to believe it but what he said was the missing piece to the case. It answered Carl’s questions about the gloves, and the—”

“Calm down, Jamie,” sabi ni Carl at saka ko lang napansin na umiiyak na naman ako.

“Although I have already dismissed the idea that was bumping around my head because Ice’s recollection was intact with Mrs. Olivia’s confession, what you’ve just informed us prove to me that I was right all along.”

“D-do you mean to say—” Nick started to say but Carl cut him off.

“The murderer was not Mrs. Perez. And it was not also Ice. It was someone else.”

To be continued…

Paper Sky 4: Ch 1-10/ Ch 11-23/ Ch 24-Epilogue

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