Thinking. It’s been a few months now. When I look out the window, I see that the world appears different to me. Not because it itself has changed. All the things that existed before I died are still there. It’s because I changed. My persona is a dimmer contrast when placed against the backdrop of this existence now. Everything around me is notable now.
Back then, the idea of dying never crossed my mind, even as I ran across fields where the grass was sharp as knives and the air was rougher as it went down my throat than the black smoke of a burning home. Now? I wonder if I’ll still be me tomorrow. The pain in my arm is a constant reminder of that. And that’s why things have changed, because of the constant uncertainty of tomorrow. This new life I’ve taken on is also uncertain. First thing that comes to mind when I think about that is Ada, and I find it hard to go on about things acknowledging that I feel her the way I do. I still don’t trust her like I would trust my superiors in the BSAA.
What she’s done so far would entail that she’s a good person, but she’s so enigmatic about who she is. She never shows or tells what drives her to do the work she does. I can’t say if it’s something that comes out of her heart, if it’s the money, or if she was just somehow dragged into this kind of work and she just kind of rides the river flow as it goes.
I guess I can just ask, but knowing her, she’ll just twirl around the question like some beautiful ice skater, except I won’t be holding a cardboard slab with a ten over my head in the end.
The organization she’s been working for is even more enigmatic. I can talk to them and all, but so far, they’ve been nothing but text on my communication cube or a robotic voice in my gear containers. I don’t know what drives them, either. Sometimes, I comfort myself imagining that they’re probably some government agency that works in secrecy so that their good deeds aren’t inhibited by the thick shrubbery of military protocol, but I just can’t be sure.
They saved my life, then again. Ada alongside. Maybe that’s really the subconscious reasoning that keeps me tame nowadays. Doubts, however, are harder to douse than wildfires once they’re there. Time will clear up the picture eventually, that much is certain. Ada actually appeared like a person the other day. She was absolutely steamrolled by a torrent of emotions, and though I hated to see her face so sad, it felt good to see that her emotions paid me any mind at all.
I hope it continues. She’s done a lot. She deserves to stop every now and then to just be a person rather than an automaton.