#para;self

[awgcreature]

Once In A Lifetime | Self Para

It had been a rougher decision to make than Alex had expected. He knew breaking up was never easy, and he’d never thought Em and him would ever get to this point, but maybe marriage wasn’t for him after all. He had always struggled with settling down, he had felt ready to give it a try when he married Lisa and he was fully content with the idea of settling with Emilia. They had made it through a pandemic after all, or the start of one anyway. It seemed to have worked in their favor, giving them the time and maybe a false assumption of having life figured out together. They were at home - their farm - all the time, they had animals to keep them busy and they enjoyed the time they spent together without work. It was almost like pure bliss in a bubble. But that wasn’t always the truth, that’s what Alex started to realize a little while ago. He thought they had communication figured out, but he was having all these thoughts and feelings deep down that he couldn’t quite put into words so he just kept them to himself.

It was bound to get to a point where that wasn’t going to work anymore, where his worries would bubble over. After a wonderful start into the last year, a wedding, time together, then getting back on tour, Alex had simply not expected his life to make a 180 turn on him in a pretty bad way. Accusations that were so incredibly false, could easily end careers and ruin lives...Yes, he tried to figure that all out, fight it out with himself; he sucked up the thoughts that were eating away at him and while therapy was for sure an option he went with, it was a bit of a struggle for him to really open up to basically anyone, including Emilia. So much for good communication...

Maybe, if he’d talked to her, opened up, things wouldn’t have simmered and then boiled up the way they did. It was a slow development in a way, the thoughts and worry nagging at him until that urge to run was so bad, he was ready to just throw a few clothes in a suitcase and leave. The amount of love he’d felt for Em though kept him from doing just that, because how would that be fair to /her/? So they finally sat down to talk, and settled for a not so pretty ending. One where Emilia headed off to the UK for work with no intention to be returning to the farm again. And yes, it was a mutual decision, not one of them breaking the other’s heart, the conversation was had and that was the end of their road together. And it hurt them both, or at least he assumed it hurt her as much as it was affecting him. Because it was the worst kind of heartbreak he’d ever experienced. Emilia had been the center of his life for only a few years, but she had become his best friend too. This heartbreak was one like you only really eperience once in a lifetime.

The house felt almost too big for just himself and the two dogs he’d stuck with. Peyton was snoring away on the couch as Alex played with the ring he had taken off now. He caught Baz looking at him, and it almost seemed to be very judgemental. “I know, Baz. I know..” the man sighed loudly and placed the ring down again. “I miss her too. Think we just gotta get used to this now,” he murmured as he reached out to pick the old papillon dog up. “Don’t give me that look, buddy. We’ll figure it out.” And honestly, he knew they would, painful as it was right now.

[freakxmitch-blog]

an invitation is not a summons

The raptor that flew in to breakfast that morning wasn’t one that was seen in Britain ever, but Mitch recognized it immediately. Tobi, or black-eared kites, were far more common for mail carrying in Japan than owls, thanks to population numbers. The letter it dropped in front of Mitch had only one thing on the front, each brush stroke absolutely perfect.

青 山 光 臣

He knew exactly what it was without opening it, and he lifted the heavy envelope with hands that had the slightest shake. He wasn’t surprised that Mahoutokoro had sent a letter. Not only was he was from that Aoyama family, he’d graduated 6th in his class. It wasn’t unexpected that his daughter would also be invited to attend the school he’d spent ten years at.

He traced a finger absently over the kanji. It had been so long since he’d seen his name written out so formally. His life as Mitsuomi felt like a distant one, as if it had been a story he’d read, not the first twenty-six years of his life. Japan wasn’t his home anymore, just the place he spent five weeks in every summer. But if Emi decided she wanted to attend her father’s old school, he’d move heaven and earth to make it happen for her.

[berryissy-blog]

What now? | Self-Para

Who: Isabella Berry; with mentions of @andthony

When: Monday Morning, 1:13 am.

Where: Hallway, Ev’s dorm and the Choir Room

Notes: Issy drops off an box and goes to the Choir room.

Triggers: Nah, just sad.

OOC:  Listen to What now by Rihanna and Unsteady.

 Issy kept the box close to the side of her body as she made the walk, the walk that she made thousands of times. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, blinked away the tears and placed the box down in front of his door. She wrote down, ‘Here is all of your stuff. I figured you wanted these back for your next special someone.’ She pocketed the pen, slid the note underneath the door, knocked and headed back to her dorm. She stopped in front of it, grabbed her iPod, slipped the headphones into her ears and headed towards the one place that no one know where to look for her.

She opened up the door after picking the lock, turned on the light and shut the door behind her. Issy took out her headphones, pushed paused and sat down in front of the piano. She blinked away the tears as she flipped the cover and ran her fingers over the keys. She started to play Rihanna’s What Now? And let out a shaky breath as she played the intro.

“I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat,I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days, I'm stronger now, or so I say, But something's missing.” She sang, paused and started again. She closed her eyes, started to play again and pushed every emotion she was feeling forward. “Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me,And I just wanna scream. What now? I just can't figure it out, What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out) What now? Oh, oh, oh, oh! What now?” She sang out, seeing Ev’s face and then someone’s elses and felt a sob threatening to escape. “I found the one, he changed my life, But was it me that changed, And he just happened to come at the right time, I'm supposed to be in love, But I'm numb again.” She continued to sing, hitting the notes perfectly until she was sobbing as she held the last note.  “So what now?”  She collapsed against the piano, covered her face as she sobbed and leaned against the piano as her iPod play Unsteady by X Ambassadors. She wrapped her arms around her stomach as she let out a breaths and try to keep herself calm as she curled into a small ball before she wiped her eyes.

[alpha-evanbrooks]

Pain || Self-para

Evan had never in his life felt what he was feeling now as he got home. He didn’t remember any of the walk home, nor did he remember unlocking the door or stepping inside. As suddenly as he’d left Theo’s, he was back home. Home, where the bed and the couch and the bathroom all smelled like Theo.

Like betrayal.

He shook as he went to his office, sending off quick emails to his jobs, saying he’d gotten food poisoning and wouldn’t be in for a few days. He kept having to press the backspace, redo the email, because he was shaking so much and his claws had extended so far that he made typos. Once the emails were sent, he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Nasir. Not Peter, not Sink, only Nasir. Peter had called Nasir Evan’s right-hand man, and that’s what he hoped would come across.

 He could hardly control the shift anymore, he was so hurt and angry and horribly betrayed. The death of his mother, the turning of his pack against him, nothing could come close to this. He’d been warned, and hadn’t listened, and had stupidly fallen in love with a wolf he knew nothing about. A wolf who never wanted him, only wanted Scott and Dante. Made it known he wouldn’t listen to Evan, even as his alpha, when Evan was worried about his safety with Dante. Led him on for weeks, months, breaking every boundary Evan had set up in his life, waiting until after the final nail in Evan’s asexuality coffin was sealed before breaking it off. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so blind? Nasir had been right all along.

Evan left a note on the counter for Sink, if he’d even come back to read it, and then left the house with nothing but his clothes. He’d read Nasir’s reply, and it made him laugh slightly; the whole reason he was going to the woods was to not do anything stupid. He got lost in his thoughts, memories of touching Theo and kissing him and being close to him, memories that hurt him so bad he couldn’t stop from growling, and when he realized where he was, he sighed. The edge of the woods, to a place he’d found when he was first here, exploring. There was a small alcove, almost a cave, long since abandoned by whatever creature had created it. Into this, Evan put his clothes, neatly folded. Checking to make sure there was no one nearby, he started the painful but, in his current state, utterly welcome shift. The physical pain distracted him from the emotional, and in a matter of minutes, he was gone, and a wolf remained.

The wolf ran into the forest, as deep as he could go.

[levidanielshfap]

It’s Over || Self-Para

Levi sat on his couch, covered in dogs, nervous as hell. It had been a few days since he’d had the conversation with the mysterious man at the bar, a few days of utter terror and confusion and uncertainty. He knew he wanted Josh dead, that wasn’t a problem at all, because Josh would be let out eventually otherwise and that couldn’t happen.

But it was all so real.

Monster was on his lap, Grizzly sharing a bit of the corner, and he was leaning back far enough that little Rocky and Riff Raff were sitting on his chest. The TV was on, but he wasn’t watching. How could he watch? It had been long enough that either something had gone wrong, or he was just about to get the fateful call. Either way, he was terrified.

When his phone rang, it was his lawyer. That gave him no clues about the outcome, of course, so his heart remained pounding in his chest.

“Hello?” he said nervously.

“Levi, I have some news for you.” His lawyer’s voice was tight, but not angry. He didn’t sound like the kind of man whose client was being accused of another murder.

“Go ahead.”

“Yesterday, Josh was found severely injured. He didn’t survive.”

Levi almost passed out just from the overwhelming feelings that took over. His chest constricted, his vision almost whited out in the periphery. He couldn’t hear anything, see anything, except his lawyer’s voice and a phantom image of Josh’s face. Something about a brief power outage...and his assailant being another prisoner...Josh’s family was making plans to sue, though they’d never win.

Nothing about suspicion falling on him.

Henry wouldn’t rat him out, nor would the man from the bar. It was done, irreversible, and Levi had expected to feel elated, but he wasn’t sure what he felt.

He thanked his lawyer for calling, and once he hung up, he immediately turned off the TV. The dogs sensed something was different, potentially wrong, and tried to lick his face, but he wanted none of it. He pushed them off, got to his feet, and felt the full weight of what he’d just done crush his chest. He’d killed people before, people far more innocent than Josh, in far more gruesome ways.

But Levi had loved Josh, and no matter how much pain he’d been put through, that fact remained the same. He had ordered the death of someone he loved.

There was no room for regret, no possible way back, and he knew that. He knew that he would come to appreciate that, that what he did was right. But right now, he just felt entirely overwhelmed, and just a little bit sad.

A very, very small part of him regretted that he hadn’t gone to say goodbye first.

Levi went to his room, closed the door, and curled up on the bed. He would go to the bar to meet the man later. Right now, he wanted to be alone.

[callmenewt-hfap]

The Talk || Self Para

The almost clinical cleanliness of Magnus’ house contrasted nicely with the organized chaos of Mandy’s. Sure, the boys stayed with him and Mags enough for a mess to accumulate, but Magnus had a houseworker, and Mandy was alone. It was nice, though. Growing up with a lot of siblings, Newt was used to the mess.

Dylan was at school, and Hank at daycare. Charlie was asleep in her swing, the gentle clicks and soft song providing a background noise as Newt explained to his ex-wife everything that had happened. He told her what he’d done to Raleigh, and what Rowan had done to him in response, and what Liam had just done to Rowan. He hadn’t really gotten into it with her, beyond the bare bones that he felt they were in danger and didn’t want to spend time with Magnus. She listened intently, as she always did, and he was unsure how much she already knew, how much Magnus would have told her.

When he finished, he brought his coffee cup to his lips, hands slightly shaking.

“It’s going to kill you, Austin,” Mandy said gently, her tone of voice familiar and comforting. “I know I’ve said it before, but it really is this time. Whether it’s Raleigh doing it, or the anxiety of it all. This life will kill you.”

There was no admonition, no “you should have stayed out of it like you said,” no “you shouldn’t have hurt that boy.” Just the simple truth that had caused their divorce in the first place. He was a hunter, and it was dangerous, and it was going to kill him.

“I can’t very well get out now,” he said. “Raleigh will still come after me, I know it. Rowan only promised that you all would be safe. Hell, maybe what Liam did voided the entire thing.”

“Austin, you need to stop this. All of it. It’s going to either kill you, or drive you two apart, and I can’t bear to watch that again.”

Newt had needed a psychological and physical evaluation when he’d come home. The doctors said everything was fine, beyond the normal sorts of fear they would expect. They said his memory loss (fabricated to keep this from escalating further) was typical.

“He isn’t going to leave, Mandy, he’s said as much in as many words. He was on the front lines to bring me back.”

He had told her that he planned to ask Magnus to marry him, and she’d been nothing but supportive and excited. He even briefly brought up the possibility of being a surrogate, and her reaction was the same. He adored Magnus, but in times like this he found himself craving Mandy, her no-nonsense attitude, the way she understood him fully and loved him without bias or jealousy. Meeting her had been the greatest boon of his life; even his parents, distrustful of his marrying outside the profession, had to admit that their marriage had been build on a kind of love that most people never got to experience.

Mandy reached across the table and put a hand on his arm. “I don’t care what he said and did,” she said. “I said and did the exact same things. But everyone has a breaking point.”

“He’s a doctor, he’s used to dealing with dead bodies--”

“Do you want yours to end up on his table?”

The thought had crossed his mind many times. What would happen to Magnus if he had to revert back to his old ways, the cold, lifeless doctor he’d been before. He knew it was possible, he’d seen it when he came back, during their fight. Magnus was human, warm and compassionate, because of Newt. What would happen if that was taken away? What would he become then?

“I’ve done all I can,” he said. “Rowan and I have a truce, and I’ll take whatever Raleigh has to throw at me. Hell, maybe I could negotiate something with him too. But there isn’t anything else I can do.”

Her hand rested on his cheek, and she smiled, and her eyes crinkled in a way they hadn’t before, in a way that gave him a physical sign of how much older they were than they had been before.

“You could shave,” she said with a grin. “And you could shower, probably. Feed your daughter when she wakes up. Go back to live with your boyfriend. Go talk to that fake son of yours and make up. Get back to work because I know they missed you. Live your life, and deal with Raleigh if and when he shows up.”

He loved her, deeply and in ways that he could never express, and he was so grateful that she existed, and grateful that she was his friend. He smiled at her, got out of his seat, and pecked her cheek. “I’ll do just that. You don’t know how much I appreciate you.”

Mandy laughed. “I know exactly how much, Austin, and that’s why I married you. But I also know you well enough to know that you need him. Just let him know he can’t wear my wedding dress.”

He laughed, and made his way to the bathroom to shower.

[nincdobrevxo-blog]

The fear of falling apart || Self-para

“ Has no one told you she's not breathing? Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to “

 Natalie had a secret... something that she would never share with the world. She might have looked cool and relaxed for an English woman. But it’s her deepest secret of how insecure she truly is that brings this on. Natalie was addicted to prescription drugs. She got them so many ways, and so many at a time. She didn’t care what she had to do for them. She wanted the high off of them. She sat back in her seat and looked at the bottle off pills. She could walk away from this and be normal... Yet she felt herself reaching for the bottle. It was like something she couldn’t control it... she was addicted. She wasn’t as strong as she pointed herself out to be. She crushed a couple of pills and wrapped a paper... anything... anything to get that high. she thought to herself. As she snorted up the drugs which was like dust on the table now.

Everything heightened around her; for once she felt good. It actually seemed light in her house even though the curtains were closed. She leaned down and sniffed the rest up as much as she could. The high... the high was the best part. Sometimes she didn’t even know the difference between reality and her high. Everything was better with drugs... she needed it.. that was it. as she leaned back on the couch. Looking around with a smile on her face. What could possibly go wrong? --- she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to.

[levidanielshfap]

Karma || Self-para

Levi sat on the stool in the prison visitation room, nervous and terrified but resolved to do this. It was strange, being on this side of the glass, but he liked it. Wanted to keep this meeting as short as possible, of course, but he enjoyed that he was free and the man he came to visit was locked up, and would stay that way for a long time. A thousand thoughts crossed his mind, despite how many times he’d practiced this in front of his mirror, in front of an old picture. This was a totally different situation, a whole new balance of power, but it was still so reminiscent of the past that he was terrified.

So when Josh finally sat down on the other side, Levi couldn’t stop his heart from pounding in his chest.

“Come crawling back?” Josh asked with a scowl. “I don’t want your sorry ass anymore, Levi.”

“I never really wanted yours,” he replied, his right leg jumping and tapping on the ground, but his voice was level and he didn’t break eye contact. “How’s prison life treating you?”

He already knew the answer. Josh looked like hell, his normal self-satisfied smirk wiped from his face, his hair messed up and longer than normal, his eyes almost sunken. He hadn’t been in here that long, but the effects were already visible. Levi knew that child molesters were treated worse than murderers, and that Josh had been accused of statutory rape.

“Fuck you,” Josh spat, leaning closer to the glass. It took all his will-power to not lean away. “You put me in here, you useless fuck, over some asshole who dumped you.”

“I’m back with Tristan, actually,” he replied brightly, as if they were speaking over lunch. “And I have some more great news I wanted to share with you.”

Josh frowned and leaned back, intrigued despite himself. Levi relished this, the fact that he now had Josh’s attention wrapped around his finger, adored that he now controlled information that would hurt him. He pulled the letter from his pocket and unfolded it slowly, coughing a bit and brandishing the paper around. All part of the show. Make Josh wait on the edge of his seat.

“’Dear Mr. Daniels,’” he started, glancing from the paper to Josh’s face. “’We would first like to extend our sympathies to you in regards to your recent situation, and our apologies for not catching on sooner and preventing the pain you went through.’”

“What the fuck is this?” Josh growled, his hands clenching into fists and his jaw grinding. Signs that used to send Levi into a tailspin of fear. But not anymore.

“Shut up and let me finish.”

Shock crossed Josh’s face, but Levi knew he was far too interested to do anything but obey. He coughed again and continued.

“’We understand how unorthodox this must sound, given that you are so young and do not have the same kind of experience we usually require. But your extensive history with us, as well as your passion for our cause and your relationship (however unfortunate) with the previous holder of the position, have led us to believe you are the best candidate. Therefore, we would like to formally offer you the position of chief executive officer at--’”

“NO!” Josh yelled, jumping to his feet. Levi shrunk back and dropped the letter despite himself, hands shaking too much to hold onto it. “YOU’RE LYING! YOU’RE FUCKING LYING!”

Guards came forward to restrain Josh, who was struggling to get past the glass, probably hit Levi, throw him across the room. He unsteadily got to his feet and picked up the paper. He flattened it out with difficulty and then held it up against the glass for Josh to see. The official signature of the board members, the official insignia of the company, even the color of the paper. All things Josh would know intimately.

The older man stopped struggling, leaned forward (still being restrained, although the guards seemed to be loosening their grip), and read the paper. When he got to the end, his whole body crumpled. The guards settled him in his seat and indicated to Levi that he should go, which he was all too happy to do.

“Why do you do this?” Josh asked, all passion and anger gone from his voice. “Why do you ruin my life?”

Levi shook his head and pressed his forehead to the glass, staring down at Josh. “Because you ruined my life first.”

And then he turned tail and nearly ran out of the room.