#paradox.vent

[inherentlyparadoxical]

i know we got like into some decent vc yesterday, but like, its been tired and exhausting and im frustrated and irritable and aimless and i dont know why that is.

cant work it out. but its definetly hurting.

[inherentlyparadoxical]

hate feeling this lonely, and coupled with how tired i am..... it feels cold.... my eyes have felt like they've been sobbing all day, instead of only a little.

[inherentlyparadoxical]

I cant write. i havent written anything successfully this entire month.

i have technically had more time and its just been breakdown central instead

home sucks and i so badly want to disappear into a void where i dont have to exist

i dont have social groups, i cant get time in the mornings to do things

i feel like a pile of rubbish masquerading as a person, i want to throw up every time i see myself

i thought about jumping in front of traffic today. stood in front of a highway. it wouldnt work how i want it to.

im trying not to sob before work starts. I dont think that's going well.

[inherentlyparadoxical]

GOD, AM I JUST LIKE.

MU-KUN RIGHT NOW?

Do i think that to be good at something I have to be the best or first? So instead we start a lot of stuff but nothing ever gets finished and and we're sitting here with our half baked ideas clearly just derivatived from someone else whilst begging for praise and wanting to be seen as special.

i just FUCK. I DONT KNOW. I DONT GET ME I DONT GET THIS I CANT WRITE FOR SHIT, WHAT EVEN AM I THIS IS STUPID AND I CANNOT FOCUS EVEN ON RELAXING TO TRY AND SLEEP. what am I...

hopefully this is the end of my thought train because i think writing all that cut it off for now

[inherentlyparadoxical]

i think i tied my sense of self worth to recognition.

i dont know what's going on tonight, but bursting into sobs and being hit by waves of just loneliness and uselessness sure is some Shit to happen for like. the last few hours of the night but Fuck.

i dont know where this comes from

it feels like i'm a pain, that i cant do anything because i can't generate interactions and i cant run conversations and i cant hang out or consistently talk with friends, i just exist as this amorphous stain that wants to do everything but fails to successfully do anything. am i wallowing in self pity now? probably, i think im wallowing in that it sucks but how do i say to anyone 'hi i feel like insanely miserable shit and need to sort of feel like i need to have attention so my mind doesnt fall inwards' without putting emotional pressure on the other person.

And then even if I did have those words, when i messaged people seperately and tried to hold any sort of conversation, it fizzled out after just a few responses tops.

This isn't like anyones fault but it's just interlocked with 'im how old and i cant do this? does this life have any value? what am i even good at?'

i just want to scream and hold something. i want someone to tell me im doing a good job. i want to feel like im close to people. and for some godforsaken reason i feel like an outsider and i cannot for the life of me tonight place why but maybe i shouldnt because its surely just part of this fucking mess.

im just trying to process what's going on in our head and its just. swirling noises of static and holes in my heart? it's cold.

[inherentlyparadoxical]

"oh man, I'm feeling sick. i feel like i'd feel better if i threw up" (beat) "so i'm not feeling any better, but-"

[inherentlyparadoxical]

A wonder how I operate, when I'm actually just a malfunction that should have been trashed.

[inherentlyparadoxical]

holy shit, i woke up with just an insane wave of sadness.

Im just really fucking upset for no reason.