How can I stop yelling at my kids?
Harsh responses — yelling, hitting, belittling — often come from a need to control. You want the kids to stop running around screaming. You tell them to stop. They don’t. They aren’t in your control. And that’s frustrating. You want a button to push to get the family under control. But there isn’t one.
Drop the expectation that just telling them to do or stop doing something will work. If you’re happily reading a book and your spouse tells you to stop because it’s bugging him, does it fill you with a desire to fulfill his wishes? Or do you think, Who elected you dictator?
Children are human. They have needs that don’t shut off at the convenience of parents. Some parents can get kids to obey through threats of punishment, but that just drives their needs into hiding. To make their parents happy — or at least get them to stop yelling, kids need to pretend they don’t have the needs anymore. The parent blissfully thinks what they’re doing works.
When you feel like yelling, stop and take a deep breath. Let it out fully. Then give yourself two choices. Pick the one that is closer to the parent you want to be. Here’s what a wise parent said about this:
My suggestion to you is to focus on making a "better" choice each time you can. I think that was the most helpful advice I got as a parent of younger kids—it was surprisingly practical and encouraging to simply consider at least two choices and pick the better one. The next time, try to think of the one you did choose and then one other—pick the better one. If you make a choice you're unhappy with, after the fact, think then about what would have been a better choice—have that one "on hand" for next time.
Don't expect to be perfect, but expect yourself to be improving all the time.
Pam Sorooshian
That’s from Making the better choice where there are more suggestions. Another view is, Make the better choice.
Also, when you can, ask yourself where these feelings of irritation and need to control are coming from. Are you hungry, tired, over extended? The first two are easier. The third needs some reflection. Where can you cut back so that you can be fully present for your kids?
Is there some area of your life that you feel out of control in? Is this triggering you to try to control something less powerful than you? Some have found taking control of something you can control — like cleaning out a closet, organizing the garage — can be therapeutic.
Parenting Peacefully has some more helpful ideas. A sound file that’s 2/3 of the way down the page can be a good place to begin.
From Joyce Fetteroll's answer to How can I stop yelling at my kids?