such a weird concept to me that my ex is sapphic now. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being sapphic, im happy that it is able to continue growing and finding himself, but at the same time it makes me reflect on what our relationship used to be like. i, myself, am a gay man, and am attracted to masculinity. i almost always have been, and one of the problems with my past relationship is that towards the end i was starting to no longer feel attracted to my ex. after a long time, i think i figured out why,,, i think it was because by the end of the relationship my ex was almost exclusively feminine. he was transmasc, and a gay man, and used almost exclusively he/him, but he was so feminine,,, and dont get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine,,, im just not really attracted to it? and like i said, towards the end of the relationship my ex was just fully embracing his femininity to a point where he started using she pronouns. (he started using she pronouns to "express his femininity" after swearing up and down pronouns dont have gender... but okay, hypocrite. anyway;) i hate the way i reacted to it... in all honesty, i freaked out. i was worried that he would end up detransitioning, and i expressed that fear,,, i even told him if he did detransition i likely would not be attracted to him anymore,,,, he really did not like that. i was ashamed for the way i was feeling,,, it made me feel bad about being gay,,,, but i understand how i could have scared him, i would be scared too, and im sorry for that, but i digress. my ex ended up rectracting his statements about using she pronouns to make me happy, i hated it. i didnt want zem to change the way ze identified because of how i felt, but he did it anyway. (it was never my intention, truely). anyway, i think in retrospect, as evil as it sounds, it started to feel less like i had a boyfriend, and more like i had a girlfriend. i hated that feeling. that relationship with him, regardless of how evil he is, just never made me happy. i only felt euphoric in that relationship when he was masculine. i just,,, dont think i was attracted to him by then,,,, as opposed to the beginning, when he was much more masculine. i guess it all sort of makes sense now, now that he is sapphic, why our relationship felt so,,, feminine--- heteronormative, maybe. maybe he always felt that way, maybe im looking for excuses, i dont know. even my brother agreed with me it was more like my ex was my girlfriend,, maybe thats transphobic, i dont know. all i do know is that i felt invalidated by the dynamics of that relationship.
i guess it never felt like just two guys dating by the time we were breaking up, i guess maybe i wasnt really as attracted to him as i was desperately in need of that stability, i guess maybe it was never meant to work out. its not really like i care anyway, i dont ever miss him. i hope he doesnt miss me. i do wonder what he thinks of me now, i bet he hates me, maybe hes right to. i hope im a good person