#patooted

[regretal]

Maybe it’s not exactly a lack of control but moreso that I’m not enough.

And that’s the worst: knowing what you want but it’s always just out of reach. You can see it, so there is definitely some way to get there. Problem is, whatever I come up with just falls short of being enough. I have no clue what I am doing in the first place so it’s not like I have anything to latch onto for stability. Such is the price of wandering into new domains, I suppose.

It’s just so tiring to never quite get there, but whose fault is that but mine? I try my best to only walk into situations when I’ve considered and accepted all possible consequences, but sometimes I like to take risks lmao. It’s just that most of the time they don’t go so well for me, because I don’t think I know how to handle risky situations in such a way that makes it all worth the shot.

And that’s why I’ll never be enough: I’m always in pursuit of some self-validating element that I can’t obtain, because I have no idea what I am doing. I just have wants. At what point do I stop this lol

[regretal]

I’ve been looking forward to graduating from and finally leaving this hellhole of a school since I was a sophomore. But now that I’ve only 5 weeks’ worth of excuses to see my friends 5 days a week, it kind of hurts. I wish I was more optimistic as a sophomore. It would have helped me see all the good in these people sooner.

[regretal]

I’ve hit that point in which Tumblr has become blech. As in so much has changed and my dashboard consists of things past which I can no longer really relate to. I’m not even sure I enjoy consuming this type of media anymore. Even though I’m more active on twitter now, I still feel like I’m wasting time looking at things even though I follow so few people. But none of this really matters anyway when there’s so much to do irl and so little value in mindlessly scrolling past the same images over and over again.

[regretal]

Me: It's going to be hot tomorrow. That means I have to shave under my arms.

Vincent: You don't have to. It's a social construct.

Me: Yeah, but people are mean.

Vincent: I know.

[regretal]

Thanks 2 my homie @irohboats for the tag

Rules: Use a song title to describe each of the things below and tag 10 people

What is your gender: Princess of China - Coldplay ft. Rihanna

How do you feel: Sleepyhead - Passion Pit

Favorite mode of transportation: Drive By - Train

Favorite time of day: Midnight - Coldplay

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:  Life in Technicolor II - Coldplay

What is life to you: Something Good - Alt-J

Relationship status: There’s Too Much Love - Belle and Sebastian

Your fear: Monster - Seekae

This was actually kind of difficult and I tried to limit the number of Coldplay songs, but tbh a large chunk of my music library is just Coldplay.

I’ll tag @varicose, @utapriaiai, and whoever sees this that wants to do it

[regretal]

I took a look at the stats of some of the people who got waitlisted this year for the college that I’m leaning towards attending. I know my numbers aren’t great but I’m amazed that there was actually something about myself that put me ahead of these people with 2000+ SAT, 30+ ACT, and 4.0+ GPA. My automatic response is, of course, admissions goofed up somehow, but I truly feel fortunate that they were able to see who I was through my personal statements and decided I was a good fit for the school. Sidenote I’ve observed way too many people who are just résumé builders and nothing more. Maybe they’re able to get what they want in the end, but quite frankly they just go through the motions without being passionate about nor dedicated to the experience itself and end up with the personality of a stale saltine cracker.

[regretal]

A couple weeks ago the robotics team and I were heading home from berkeley and we decided to get Hawaiian bbq for dinner. I got a whole takeout box of chicken katsu and we were all so hungry that we just sorta sat there in silence wolfing down our food. They all finished eating before I did so I was just like, “do you want me to just take my food home so we can all go?”

And one of my teammates said to me, “no, we want to watch you eat the whole thing.”

I don’t know how people eat so fast tbh. That being said, some of them got half a box instead of a whole box, but still. My jaw gets tired from chewing all that crunchy katsu. (ಥ‿ಥ)

[regretal]

After being rejected from my first choice and waitlisted at Davis, I’m extremely ecstatic about the fact that I ended up getting accepted at one of the holy trinity of UCs. The aforementioned two schools totally tanked my self-esteem because they had about the same or a higher acceptance rate, and browsing college confidential didn’t make me feel any better about myself because everyone had perfect grades and test scores. My numbers are obviously flawed, so I’m just going to flatter myself and say that this was thanks to luck and all the things that helped paint a picture of who I am as a person.

I really doubted myself so much. People glorify the idea that passion always carries you through, but the way things were turning out for me I didn’t think it was true. I know that sometimes you really just don’t get rewarded for hard work. Even being accepted into my second choice school brings new challenges, but I’m excited to rise to the occasion. As a person, I have the fervor to pave way for myself, but I know now to trust in my abilities. If I put the work into it, I’ll find a way, even if I have to deviate from my original plans.