#paxalot

[anonymusbosch]

@all my wlw out there: do yourself a favor and watch the music video for Just Another Girl by the Killers. Just do it. Trust me.

[thesummerofrain]

So I may or may not have been up until 5am reading I need somebody. There were tears. My heart was ripped into a million pieces. The fluff was so perfect and everything I've ever wanted. The friendship dynamic!! You're just such a good writer I HAVA SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS STORY MY THIRST IS STRONG. YOURE TOO GOOOD FOR THIS WORLD THANK YOU

Dear lord, I hope you didn’t have to get up early in the morning!

I am very glad that you enjoyed the story and found it emotionally engaging! Yay! Means I’m not doing a totally terrible job after all :)

Thank you for your kind words. It truly means a lot to me :)

[gobos]

paxalot replied to your photoset “you can’t really tell, but I crawled in the ceiling of my school’s...”

PLEASE DONT DIE OKAY

it was super dusty, but I emerged remarkably unscathed

[gobos]

YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME HOW DOES MY LIFE EVEN WORK HELP

I DON’T KNOW UH I LIKED THIS ONE BECAUSE SQUIDS AND STUFF AND UH UMM *PANICS AT THE DISCO*

[petrichor-and-lemonade]

MN Public Schools Cancelled Monday Jan 6, 2014

Governor Dayton has called it off because of weather concerns.

[anonymusbosch]

I know it's long, but if you know me in person, please read this.

I was talking with one of my friends recently, and it turns out we've both got a bit of a confession to make. So, yeah. I hope this explains a lot of my behavior. I have a form of autism called High-Functioning Asperger's Syndrome. Here's what WebMD has to say about it, and it's pretty much dead-on. "People with Asperger's syndrome typically  have average or above-average intelligence. They may, though, show other behaviors and signs similar to what's seen with other types of autism. These include:

A delay in motor skills

A lack of skill in interacting with others

Little understanding of the abstract uses of language, such as humor or give-and-take in a conversation

Obsessive interest in specific items or information

Strong reactions to textures, smells, sounds, sights, or other stimuli that others might not even notice, such as a flickering light

Unlike people with other forms of autism, people with high-functioning autism or Asperger's syndrome want to be involved with others. They simply don't know how to go about it. They may not be able to understand others' emotions. They may not read facial expressions or body language well. As a result, they may be teased and often feel like social outcasts. The unwanted social isolation can lead to anxiety and depression."

It's also commonly linked with mild to severe OCD. And yep, that's me! I haven't talked about it before, since I was afraid of how other people would react. But I kind of need people to know, so that they can understand what I'm doing. So, I made a list sort of thing about me, and what I do, and how that affects you. I know it's long, but this is really important to me, so please read it.

Social Interaction

A lot of my social interaction I have to think about consciously. If I can't come up with the right thing to say, am awkward, stutter, or don't understand what you're trying to say, forgive me. I'm doing my best.

I will generally take on the conversation style of the person I'm talking with. It makes it easier to interact. Thus, if you see me acting differently with someone else from how I act with you, it's not because they're special, it's because they're treating me differently than you do.

If I'm being rude, nosy, annoying, pushy, loud, or in any other way bothersome, please let me know. Chances are I won't have seen your nonverbal signals, and if you let me know I'll a) stop doing whatever is the problem and b) have a better idea of what not to do in the future.

I'm not flirting with you. Ever. I'm probably either trying to be nice or am reciprocating your behavior towards me, because I think that's how you normally interact.

Please, if you don't want to talk/interact/etc - let me know explicitly. This is one of the social cues I'm really bad at. I'd rather have you be blunt and say "I don't want to talk to you" or "I need to be alone right now" or something , because I promise I'm not trying to bother you, I just can't see that you want me to stop.

If I'm in a situation with a ton of people, loud noise, and bright/flashing light all at once, I might freak out and have to leave. It's called overstimulation and I just need to get out of the situation to recover a bit. As a result, I hate school dances, so please don't try to make me attend one.

I may not recognize sarcasm.

Physical Contact

Like a lot of Aspies, I'm averse to some types of physical contact.

If I can't tell who you are - for instance, if you tap on my shoulder from behind, "zap" me, or try to startle me - I will probably freak out. I don't mean to offend you. It's just really unpleasant... and hard to explain.

If I don't know you personally, stay away from physical contact unless I'm the one to initiate it (handshakes, hugs, etc).

If I do know you, I'm generally more cool with the whole thing, but I'd still really prefer if you don't randomly come up and hug me or whatever. Even just making eye contact beforehand is better - I would really like to know if you're about to hug me so I don't spaz out at you.

If I know you REALLY WELL, than I'm probably cool with it. I still need to know if you're coming up from behind me or something, though.

There are exceptions to this. If I'm exhausted I usually don't react as badly to unexpected physical contact. But me not freaking out at you one or twice or ten times /absolutely doesn't/ mean that I have magically been cured. I'm either having a really crappy day or a good brain day.

Overstimulation

Sometimes, as I said in the first point, I get overstimulated.

This can be caused by high stress levels, too much emotional pressure, too many people, really loud noises and bright lights, or anything that's 'too much.'

If I get overstimulated, I usually want to be alone to cool down or with one other person who can remind me to breathe and stuff. Basically, if I'm legitimately freaking out, you'll be able to tell - just ask if I want to be alone.

If I snap at you I'm sorry.

OCD

Like a lot of people with Asperger's syndrome, I have a mild form of OCD. I'm not too fond of going into detail about it, but here's what you need to know.

There are certain things I need to do if I'm stressed or if I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack or any of several other reasons.

I will try not to be annoying about it. Feel free to ask me to stop doing something if it bothers you, and I will try.

Mostly I do small repetitive motions or count quietly or breathe oddly. I promise I'll try to interfere with the people around me as little as possible.

Keep in mind that sometimes, there's a legitimate psychological need for me to do this.

Also, it's a pretty mild variant. It doesn't interfere much with my life at school. But no, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it means that I know how to manage it most of the time.

Romance, being a teenager, and other awful things

From the Asperger's Foundation: "During the hormonal changes and increased stress associated with adolescence, the teenager may have a temporary increase in their expression of AS. Parents need to be supportive and patient, and remember that this is a difficult time for virtually all children. Some of the emotional changes of adolescence may be significantly delayed in children with AS, and while other teenagers are intent on romance and testing the rules, the teenager with AS still wants simple friendships, has strong moral values and wants to achieve high grades. They can be ridiculed for these qualities, but it is important to explain that they are valuable qualities, not yet recognised by others. Some traits of adolescence can occur later than usual and extend well into a person with AS's twenties, thus the emotional changes of adolescence are often delayed and prolonged."

I was a really late bloomer, which meant that 9th grade was my more-intense-expression-of-AS year. If you knew me then, oh my god, I am so so sorry.

The whole simple-friendships, moral values, high grades thing is still going on for me.

Also from the AS Foundation: "With a prolonged emotional adolescence and delayed acquisition of social skills, the person may not have a close and intimate relationship until much later than their peers. " Yep, still not into that whole romance thing.

This was actually kind of hard for me in the past, because I was like "Why is everyone dating? Why are you all so happy with one other person? Why don't I feel that way for anyone? Why can't I be happy like that?" for pretty much all of 6th-9th grade. Or ever. Yep.

I'm Sorry

Um, for basically all of middle school I had exactly zero social skills. Zero. I couldn't recognize any cues at all, and on top of that, I didn't realize this was unusual. So if you knew me then, I am so sorry. Actually. This includes most of 9th grade too. I'm sorry if I didn't respect your boundaries, if I made you uncomfortable, if you thought I was hitting on you, if I was too clingy, if I was pushy or nosy or anything at all. Basically I idolized all my friends, because for the first time I had more than two friends at once, and I was simultaneously in awe and jealous and respectful and really self-conscious because it seemed like everyone was better than me at everything. So I spent my time oscillating between "You're wonderful and I want to be around you and talk to you all the time because you're super cool" and "Everyone is better than me at everything and I'm really jealous and scared I'll never amount to anything." And since I had no boundaries, a lot of that was pushed directly onto you guys. Furthermore, I was so caught up in having friends that I was really terrified of losing them, so if someone didn't respond to a text or call or something, I didn't know to respect their space, and I basically just got more persistent and pushy because I really wanted them to confirm that no, they weren't ignoring me. Obviously, this probably backfired a lot, because most sane people would see that as being annoying, clingy, and an invasion of their comfort zone. Oh my god, I am so sorry. I'm still not great at boundaries and stuff, but at least I'm trying to figure them out and recognize when someone is uncomfortable or I'm being a clingy, pushy person.

I'm constantly in a state of evaluating my actions and people's reactions to see what works, what means what to which people. This means that a) I know that I screw up a LOT and b) I'm really self-conscious about it and c) it's not a great system and a lot of stuff slips through. But it's all I've got. So I still have a hard time recognizing a ton of social cues and stuff and I still am hard to be around sometimes a lot. I'm trying, I promise, and I'm sorry for not being better at it.

I'm sorry for leading people on, too. This seems to happen a lot. I don't know if it's because I tend to reciprocate another person's syntax or because of the aforementioned lack of boundaries, but I am very sincerely sorry if I've led you on or flirted with you unintentionally. I didn't mean to do that, I promise!

No one has ever really asked me these, as I haven't really told people about it, but here are a couple of questions/crap-neurotypical-people-say type things. Are you on medication/in treatment?

Nope. I saw a therapist for the OCD for a while, but I mostly manage it by myself now.

But you're smart, so you can't have autism!

No, I don't have any cognitive difficulties. Asperger's is a high-functioning syndrome. It's actually commonly linked with above-average mental faculties. But none of that means I'm not autistic.

But you don't act like you have Asperger's/OCD!

One, it affects everyone differently, and two, I try /really hard/ to act as normal as possible.

I have Asperger's/OCD and your symptoms aren't as severe/the same as mine, so you don't actually have it!

I applaud the stunning logic here. Both disorders affect everyone differently, and everyone manages them differently. I do actually have both.

I thought Asperger's was mostly a guy thing.

More boys are diagnosed than girls. Here's an excerpt: "Why are so few girls referred for a diagnosis? In general, boys tend to have a greater expression of social deficits, whereas girls tend to be relatively more able in social play and have a more even profile of social skills. Girls seem to be more able to follow social actions by delayed imitation because they observe other children and copy them, perhaps masking the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome."

I didn't have a diagnosis until a year or two ago, probably mostly due to this. But yep, I still have Asperger's!

Do you get special favors from teachers? Are you special needs?

I don't get any special treatment. As far as I know, none of the teachers or staff know I'm an Aspie. As for what I need… I don't want to draw attention to myself so I usually don't ask for it. This is the most I've ever said.

Finally, please please PLEASE go read this short paper on women and girls with Asperger's syndrome. We tend to express it differently than guys do, and a lot of the literature out there is written with male patients in mind. Basically everything in it - it's just five pages - applies to me. Go read it please!

EDIT: Everyone who reads this on tumblr I either trust and know well or are anonymous strangers. Please, I'd prefer if this wasn't just blurted out or used as an excuse or shared without my permission. Thank you.

[anonymusbosch]

I'm thinking of having people over for tabletop games and food. Who all is interested?

[birdd--bones]

I was tagged by zombrophilous!  Sorry this is so overdue :P

Rules:

1. Always post the rules. 2. Answer the questions set by the person who tagged you and add 11 new ones. 3. Tag 11 new people and link them to the post. 4. Let them know they were tagged.

Questions:

1.) What’s your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King! Ever since I was little I’ve loved it! However, Hercules and Mulan are up in my favorites list too!

2.) What inspires you most? Ooh, this is a tough one. I guess there isn’t really one person or thing that inspires me more than others. I get inspired by nature, people, animals- practically everything really.

3.) Does your family have any special traditions? If so, what are they? On Christmas Eve before we all go to bed, my father reads “The Night Before Christmas” from the copy of the book that’s been in our family for years.

4.) Name at least three things that you really like about yourself! :)   Well, this is the hardest question on the list. I’ve been staring it this for a while now and I legitimately can’t think of three things. The only thing I can think of is I guess that I like that I go out of my way to be helpful, especially with my family.

5.) What’s your favorite type of weather, and why? Either when it’s rainy, or when it’s snowing and it’s that perfect cold temperature where everything is crisp and your first inhale reminds you of where your lungs are

6.) Describe yourself from the viewpoint of a total stranger. Um, kind of awkward I guess. Lack of fashion sense. Shy until around friends. Absent minded.

7.) What do you do to relax/ calm down? I write or journal, run, or go for a walk/hike

8.) What does your favorite outfit (that you own) look like? Black capri leggings, a dark blue loose slip tank-dress that has dark lace stripes around the waist, and a blue and white striped sweatshirt that has a bunch of different fabric patches on the sleeves!

9.) What’s your favorite subject in school? I really enjoy anthropology

10.) If you could trade lives with any fictional character, what which one would it be? Hm. The first person that comes to mind is Stargirl, but it would be cool to trade lives with someone in Middle Earth too.

11.) What are your feelings towards your parents? My parents and I do not really get along. I love them, but we get along best if I’m not physically around them or living with them.

Alright, my questions for you :)

1. What is your favorite ice cream?

2. What do you miss most about being a little kid?

3. If you could have any job, what would it be?

4. If you have siblings, how is your relationship with them?

5. What animal would you want to transform into for a day?

6. What is your favorite movie?

7. Has there been a book that changed your life?

8. What obsession have you had in the past that you’re embarrassed about now?

9. What was the first CD you ever bought?

10. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

11. Coffee or tea?