#payacho vent

[space-payacho]

like..i legitimately have nobody to talk about my problems to. cant even afford a therapist or a doctor to tell me whats wrong with me.

idk if im getting worse but i just keep thinking about the past so much, interactions with people that makes me still upset and even angry.

i cant ever say "im happy with my life"

i just get temporary boosts that keep me up for a few days but i can't say im happy with my life. i wish things were better. i wish i was stable but im stuck here fighting for my life every day. i just feel so drained and im not even on my period lol

[space-payacho]

one thing i learned about myself is that once i get fucked over, it sticks with me for a good while. no matter how many times we talk and i say we're cool, i still feel bitter..

[space-payacho]

im close to just giving up on people that i try to reach but they just dont share the same energy. its 2025 and im getting sick and tired of that old excuse of "if you dont hear for me its not that i dont care yadda yadda" its always from one person but about the person from the receiving end that actually tries??? fuck us?? im done. just fucking speak up and say you dont want to talk instead if vague posting for every one to see, be clear on communication, especially for the people that fucking try if you dont want me to try to talk to you, just tell me so i can fuck off and i dont sound like a complete fucking clown on messaging PLease

[space-payacho]

just haven't had motivation to do anything.

im trying not to lose interests in stuff

[space-payacho]

tw parental abuse or whatever its called

yeah like regarding that last post, it does make sense. ive been hit and spanked so much as a kid. the last time my mom hit me was in middle school i think, and she just slapped me. it just made me scared to talk about stuff with her and not share anything now, its a bit different. i can only talk to her about stuff at work but im not willing to bring up what happened in the past because she'll just try to justify it.

my brother was bothersome in his toddler years yet she never hit him. but she hit me in my toddler years.

im still mad about some stuff she did ages ago but i could never bring myself to bring it up

[space-payacho]

"i can handle it like a champ" no fucking cant, i have anxiety

"it will be fine" no, that shit is gonna stick with me like glue until i find a way to get it off

"im over it, its been almost a year" no, everything thats happened last year still gets to me, i hate this shit

im not good at handling things and i have to keep things to myself sometimes cause if i speak or try to word it out, it comes out bad and i scare peoppe off or they think of me differently from then on, i cant handle any form of rejection sorry. i gotta suck it up again and keep it inside till i blow up again and the cycle never stops god damnit

[space-payacho]

i have no idea why she told her to stop helping pay, why why why why im never doing that again fuuck i was supposed to finish paying that shit by December but she told her its all payed out

each month they keep adding more for me to pay and i cant afford that shit and they're gonna fuck us over god damnit no amount of comfort is gonna help this, i need the money but i had to be poor as fuck in this fucking shithole fuuuuuck

i really wanna bash my head against the wall, last year completely fucked me over and this year is just as bad with money. if i get a second job at retail i'll fucking kill myself god damnit