I wanted to share my writing process with you guys! excuse any typos
I like interacting with you guys and it keeps me motivated, so anyone who is interested, take a look...
I'll explain each photo one by one going from left to right (starting from the top)
Photo one. The purple legal pad is very important. That is where "develop' my scenes. I write my ideas are about the scenes, then later flesh them out into "steps."
Photo two. This a simple moleskin notebook that I use for non-writing sessions, but strictly used for scenes. Say I have a scene that is not fully fleshed out in the purple pad, but has come to my head, this is where I write it. I may finish it out here or move it to the big legal pad and finish it.
Photo three. The big legal pads are used for two things. I'm showing you the empty one to prevent spoilers lol. This is where I write my scenes. First I'll look at the purple legal pad, then begin a timer. I always write in the top corner the date and the session time. I keep doing this until the draft is complete. Then I copy everything down into the computer.
Photo four. This is my little note book. Here I write tiny ideas. Basically it. Sometimes just words, sometimes thoughts, anything. What you can read is a short sentence for rules.
Photo five. Post-it-notes are used for concepts and questions.
Photo six. The last photo is of another large legal pad that I use for research! in this case surfing terms and such.
Mafia au!pazzi. Strippers, political marriages & lesbians making catastrophically bad decisions. Men & Minors dni.
Synopsis: Paige Maddelena Buccheri Luciana has spent her entire life doing the ugliest work for one of Miami’s most powerful criminal families. Now they expect her to marry Caitlin Clarke Silver, the governor’s painfully boring daughter, to secure an alliance Paige couldn’t give a flying fuck about. On the night of their engagement, she discovers Angelita “Azzi” Furioso, a nightclub dancer fighting to keep her sister’s kids fed without being buried alive by student debt.
When Paige decides she wants Azzi as her mistress, she offers her everything Azzi has spent years trying to build on her own: enough money to bury the debt, a home, and the promise that neither she nor the kids will ever have to struggle again. It should be impossible to refuse. But Azzi grew up around the lifestyle. She knows better than to mistake generosity for safety, and one kiss with Paige is enough to realize she’s the kind of fire that will only leave her burned.
Azzi knows the rules when it comes to made women: take their money, keep your distance, and always leave your heart out of it. The problem is that Paige has never been good at accepting what she cannot have. Once she decides she wants the dancer, discretion, duty, and the future everyone else has planned for her become kindling on the pyre she’s building in her goddess’s name.
synopsis: sometimes love is waiting patiently at the end of a road you never planned to travel. and the person who helps you survive your darkest days becomes the reason you start looking forward to brighter ones.
cw: angst.
wc: 3k
chapter twenty-seven:
The bar is alive with celebration as Azzi yanks open the patio door. It’s the type of post-game chaos Azzi is used to, only magnified because it’s not just a win—it’s the win. The energy is electric with celebration, buzzing around her as she steps back inside alone.
But she feels none of it.
Azzi stands just past the threshold, blinking against the dim lighting, her stomach twisting in knots. Her teammates are scattered throughout the room—some crowded near the bar, nursing celebratory shots, others locked in conversation at the round tables, recounting the game. A few rookies are already sloppy, draping themselves over one another as they belt out the chorus of the song playing over the speakers. Paige and her brother are somewhere in the mix, probably near the back, exactly where Azzi left them.
A celebration. A team high off a win. A bar packed with people who feel nothing like she does after having a 14 month relationship tossed down the fucking drain.
The contrast is suffocating.
Exhaling sharply, Azzi pushes forward through the throng of bodies. A few teammates notice her arrival, clapping her on the back, raising their drinks in her direction, but she hardly musters a nod in return. She should be celebrating. She should be drinking, laughing, basking in the high like she was for the last hour. But her high is gone, replaced by a fissure in her chest.
She spots Paige near the back, perched on a barstool, beer bottle in hand, deep in conversation with one of her teammates. Her head tilts back in laughter, the sound nearly swallowed by the noise, but it’s there. It’s light and effortless and makes Azzi’s stomach flip even now, even when she shouldn’t be thinking about her like this.
For a second, she considers turning around and walking right back out the door. Then Paige’s eyes shift, as if sensing her presence, and when they lock onto Azzi’s, the blonde’s smile fades just enough to tell her that she sees it.
Azzi swallows hard and moves toward her, weaving her way through throngs of people.
“Az, what happened?” Paige asks as she walks up to the table.
Azzi drops her head, unable to meet Paige’s eyes for too many reasons. Embarrassment burns beneath her skin as she shakes her head, trying to brush her friend off. She just wants to grab her things and disappear before she causes a scene. Escape isn’t going to be easy, though, not with Jose at her side in seconds, his hand firm on her back.
The moment he touches her, the dam holding back the tears breaks and she drops into his strong arms. For a moment, she lets herself be held, absorbing the warmth radiating from her brother. It’s just enough to steady her. When she finally gathers the strength to lift her head, their eyes are waiting, filled with concern.
Paige squeezes her arm gently, scanning the bar over Azzi’s shoulder, slipping into a protective stance Azzi has never seen before. “Where’s Nora?”
Jose steps back, watching carefully. He doesn’t press, but the way his hand stays on her back makes it clear he isn’t going anywhere. Even if he lets Paige take the lead.
Azzi’s breath catches. “She… she left.”
She turns her back to the crowded room, not wanting her teammates to see her unravel. They’ve all worked so hard for this moment and she won’t let her drama overshadow the celebration. Still, the grief is overwhelming and there’s a familiar tightness pressing against her ribs. It feels like Lucina all over again. Because that’s what it is, right? The same gut-wrenching loss?
No.
She shakes her head. This is different. This is on her. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Her voice is menacing, but low so as not to cause a scene. Azzi can tell Paige is ready to go to war for her. It’s endearing, not that she needed another reason to feel for the blonde.
Nora is gone though, spared from Paige’s wrath. Azzi squeezes Paige’s arms to pull her attention back. When she looks down, Azzi shakes her head.
“Don’t, Paige.” The words are hoarse, barely holding together. She doesn’t know how to explain, how to take the blame without revealing the truth—one she hadn’t even understood until Nora threw it at her like a wrecking ball. “It’s not her.”
Paige clenches her jaw. “Then who?”
She glances around again, searching for another culprit. Azzi doesn’t even want to think about what she’ll do the day someone breaks Noah’s heart.
“It’s just… it’s not her fault.”
The words feel hollow, and Azzi drops her gaze, unable to hold Paige’s any longer. Jose’s hand moves in slow circles against her back, instinctively comforting, though he still has no idea what’s going on. Despite the hushed voices, the interaction is drawing attention and the weight of her teammates' stares makes Azzi shudder. The last thing she wants is to ruin the night.
Jose reads her discomfort without her saying a word. “Want me to take you home, Az?”
She nods, not even processing that he doesn’t have a car. He pulls out his phone to call for a ride, but Paige stops him, offering to drive. They agree, and she heads back to the table to grab their things while Jose leads Azzi to the parking lot, his arm still draped protectively over her shoulders.
It takes almost an hour after they get back to Azzi’s apartment to convince Paige to leave. Even then, it’s only after Azzi promises, more than once, that she’ll be okay and just needs to get some rest.
Paige hesitates at the door, giving her one last lingering look before pulling her into a tight hug.
“You call me if you need me, okay? Anytime.”
Azzi nods. She doesn’t trust herself to speak.
Paige gives a small wave, then slips out into the night, leaving Azzi alone with her thoughts—and the gaping, unshakable ache in her chest.
Azzi shuts the door with a thud and locks it before heading towards her bedroom to change. A few half-packed boxes line the hallway, a reminder of what was supposed to be—Azzi and Nora buying a house together, building a future. Azzi’s glad they hadn’t moved forward with the offer, but the sight of them still feels like a cruel joke now.
In her bedroom, Azzi slips off her jeans and cropped shirt, sighing in relief as she tosses her bra on the floor beside them. She pulls on a pair of loose Nike joggers and a worn USWNT shirt, twists her hair into a messy bun, and then heads back to the living room.
Jose is waiting on the couch, scrolling through his phone and liking every picture he can find on social media of his sister from the game today. Ever prepared, he’s already placed a box of tissues and a bottle of water on the coffee table next to his drink. Azzi smiles at the thoughtfulness before plopping down next to him, wiping at the streaks of mascara smudged down her face.
Jose doesn’t say a word as she settles in. He doesn’t push, doesn’t pry. He just waits and Azzi is thankful for that. She’s still processing her thoughts and can’t even begin to form the thoughts rattling around in her head into coherent sentences.
The silence stretches between them for a few minutes, punctuated only by the distant hum of traffic filtering in through the apartment window. A burst of laughter from the street below shatters the stillness, sharp and grating against Azzi’s frayed nerves. She glances at the clock—1 AM on a Saturday. The city is alive, celebrating, moving forward. That’s what she should be doing, what she had been doing just an hour ago. The championship, the win, the party. It was supposed to be the perfect night. She almost laughs at the thought. At how quickly things can fall apart.
“What was all that?” Jose finally asks, though there’s no judgment in his tone.
Azzi exhales sharply through her nose, shaking her head.
He nudges her lightly with his elbow. “You can talk to me.”
“Why does this always happen to me?” she asks, voice cracking.
Jose doesn’t answer. He just waits, his gaze steady like he’s waiting for her to finish the thought.
Azzi swallows hard, then lets the words fall from her lips. “I’m in love with her.”
“I know you love Nora,” he replies softly, “but sometimes things just don’t work out, Az.”
She pulls back slightly, wiping at her face. “No. Not Nora.”
Her voice is barely above a whisper. The words sit heavy in the air, and suddenly, Azzi feels like she can’t breathe. Her hands tremble against her lap, her throat tightening. It’s as if a puzzle she’s been unknowingly piecing together has just clicked into place, the final image overwhelming in its clarity.
“Paige… I think I’m in love with Paige.”
The moment the words leave her mouth, something inside her shatters. It’s like speaking the truth has made it real, and the weight of it is unbearable. Her body slumps forward, all the strength has drained from her. She doesn’t know what hurts more—that Nora just ended things or that she’s fallen for someone who has already sworn she’ll never love again.
“Oh.”
Jose isn’t oblivious. He lets out a slow breath, running a hand through her hair like he used to when they were kids.
“Az, it’ll be okay,” he says, though there’s some uncertainty in his voice despite his ever-optimistic attitude.
“She’ll never love me back the way I love her,” Azzi chokes out, wishing the couch would just eat her alive. “Just like I could never love Nora the way she loved me.”
The words taste like regret. The worst part is, she meant it when she told Nora she loved her. At least, she thought she did. But love isn’t supposed to feel like trying to force something to fit when it never truly did. And that’s what she did to Nora. She held on too long, hoping she could force herself into a love that was never meant to be hers. Now, she’s left with nothing but the ache of knowing she hurt someone who deserved better.
No matter how hard she tries, she can’t shake the image of Nora—her soft lips, the way they trembled when she whispered goodbye after pulling back from one last hug. The ache in her hazel eyes, the one Azzi spent so long trying to chase away. And now, she’s the reason it’s back.
It wasn’t just a breakup. It was a selfless act of love on Nora’s part, giving Azzi the freedom to face the truth. She knows it will hurt and that Nora will struggle to move on, but the cruelest part is knowing it won’t hurt her as much as it should. Because Azzi’s heartbreak belongs to someone else.
She laughs bitterly through the tears. “I’m toxic, bro.”
Jose’s jaw clenches, and before she can look away, he grips her shoulders, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Hey,” he says, his voice is firm, steady, “you are the furthest thing from toxic. You are kind and good, so don’t you dare think like that.”
Something about his tone and that unwavering belief in her almost makes her smile. It reminds her of the tough love they got growing up, and the kind she gave Paige when Emma first passed. And just like that, the thought of the blonde floods her mind again, infiltrating every crack and crevice. Now that Azzi has acknowledged the truth and understands the depth of what she feels, she’s not sure she can survive it.
“What do I do?” she whispers. “How do I even face her?”
Jose exhales, studying her. She can see the gears turning in his head, the way he weighs his words before he speaks. He’s just like their dad, but Azzi finds comfort in that, especially now, when she feels small and fragile like a child. Then, his expression shifts.
“She loves you too, Az.”
It’s so quiet, so matter-of-fact, that for a second, she thinks she imagined it. Her head snaps up, locking onto eyes that mirror her own.
“What did you just say?”
Jose shrugs, but his voice remains confident. “She loves you too. I can tell.”
The words hit her like a blow to the chest. She barely registers Jose’s face anymore, barely feels the room around her as her mind races. She’s heard those words before.
Azzi goes still, her mind spinning as the memory crashes into her like a tidal wave. She had always assumed Emma meant it platonically—that it was just an acknowledgment of their friendship and bond. She had loved Nora, so she never allowed herself to question it. But now…
“Az?”
Jose’s voice pulls her back. She blinks, swallowing past the lump in her throat.
“She told me to take care of Paige after she passed…”
“Who did?”
“Emma,” Azzi breathes, her voice barely audible. “‘She loves you too.’ Those were her last words to me.”
Her stomach twists painfully. Maybe it was never just friendship. Emma saw it. Nora saw it. Hell, even Jose sees it.
Azzi exhales sharply, her body sinking into the couch as she kicks her feet up onto the coffee table. The weight of it all is suffocating, pressing down on her chest until she wonders if she’ll ever be able to breathe normally again.
It’s clear from his expression that Azzi’s confession is the last thing Jose expects. She’s told him about Paige. She’s talked about Noah. But she never mentioned Emma’s last request.
She’s spent months convincing herself that it was Emma’s final plea that kept her by Paige’s side for the past six months—that it was duty, not love. But now, she knows better.
She didn’t need to be asked. Her heart was already tied to Paige’s. Maybe it had been since Germany, almost as if their nerves twisted together when they hugged goodbye in Munich. How else could you explain the universe forcing them together time and time again?
And now? Now that she understands the truth? It terrifies her. Because if she’s right—if this is love—then it will break her.
Jose studies his sister for a long moment, then leans back on the couch, lifting his beer to his lips. He takes a slow sip, then meets her gaze head-on.
“I don’t think she’ll break your heart,” he says, his voice steady. “It might take time for her to accept it and be ready to act on it, but she loves you too, Az.”
Azzi sighs. As much as she wants to believe it’s true, she’s not sure she can.
Jose continues. “I can tell by the way she looks at you. And tonight when we saw you come back in from the patio? She was out of that booth before I even moved. She was ready to fight someone for you.”
His words sink in, heavy and consuming.
“I don’t know,” Azzi replies, unconvinced.
She wants to. God, she wants to believe it. But what if she’s wrong? Her life has been one heartbreak after another, and every time she thinks she’s found solid ground, the earth shifts beneath her feet. She can’t do that to herself. Hell, she can’t do that to Paige either. Neither of them are in a steady enough place to date.
Jose pulls her into his arms, holding her tight.
“Trust me,” he murmurs. “Paige loves you too.”
As her brother’s words settle over her, Azzi exhales, staring over his shoulder at the collage of pictures on the wall, the one with just as many pictures of Paige and Noah as Nora.
Paige loves you too.
The thought is both terrifying and exhilarating. She takes a deep breath and shudders, because if she lets herself believe it, there’s no turning back. Azzi Fudd doesn’t do half-assed. She’s either in or she’s out. Only this? This doesn’t feel like much of a choice.
Hey everybody! I was hoping y’all could comment some of your favorite pazzi fics, one shots, or series. I’m having surgery next weekend and will definitely need some fics to read! Thank you in advance💗
Warnings/Tags: Mild suggestive language, Fluff, Slice of life (kinda), Kid fic, Angst, Sad, Really sad, Like literally devastating, Loss, Grief, Ending's really rough, I'm sorry guys
A/N: Everyone go say happy bday to Graysen (@graybuckets)!!!🥳 This is the saddest thing I've ever written, like, I can't lie, this one’s quite rough. It’s cute and sweet but also devastating. My first real thing of angst, I guess. Definitely read at your own risk... enjoy, loves 🫶
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
Three letters.
Three adorable letters.
Three adorable, heartwarming letters.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
Paige clenched her jaw. Tight.
Held between Ella and Tommy Bueckers-Fudd was a white unicorn plushie. Well, it used to be white. Now, streaks of yellow, blue, pink, (all the colors imaginable, really) were scattered all throughout its silky, pure fur.
Her silky, pure fur. Her name was XOXO.
XOXO’s red mouth seemed to be mocking Paige, whose gaze was fixated on the clown-like features.
She clenched her fists at her side while Ella and Tommy continued scribbling, oblivious to their mom’s presence and rage. She wanted to yell. Wanted to bang her fists on the wall. Wanted to scream until her voice was no more. Wanted to throw the unicorn out the window. No, no, she didn’t really want to do that. She’d never hurt XOXO.
Instead of any of that, she sighed, deeply and thoroughly, her shoulders sagging with the action.
“Tommy, Ella, can you guys finish packing, please?”
The two of them looked up from the carnage, finally realizing Paige was standing there.
“Oh, hi, Mommy!” Ella said, giggles escaping between words. She smiled brightly up at Paige, eight teeth and all, who felt another pang in her heart from just beneath her bruised ribs. “Look at XOXO! Isn’t she so pretty now?”
Paige bit her cheek. Not to hold in her laughter, but to omit the harsh, rude string of words that were about to tumble out of her mouth. A scolding, perhaps, but maybe something closer to an intense monologue.
“That’s great, sweetie,” she lied through gritted teeth instead, crouching down beside them and folding her legs out from under her to rest her back against the bed frame, letting out a small groan.
Tommy giggled too. “She has lips now!” He grabbed the unicorn by its purple-covered ear, shoving the toy in Paige’s face.
It was mean, cruel, everything all at once; the sight in front of her.
But Paige couldn’t tell them that. She sighed again, squeezing her eyes shut as she accepted the plushie, forcing herself to calm down before she spewed something she’d regret. She clenched the toy, hard, her nails digging into the soft strands of its mane.
“It’s cute, Tommy.”
Another lie. But that was supposed to come with parenting, didn’t it?
“I like the makeover you guys did.”
More ugly, distasteful lies. The words that rolled off her tongue etched burns into the roof of her mouth, her inner cheeks, the lining of her gums. She was horrible. She was a horrible, awful-
“Thank you, Mommy. See, Mommy likes the lips, Ellie!”
Tommy’s voice brought her back into the moment, in which her son was sticking his tongue out at Ella, who wore a scowl. “Whatever. And my name is not Ellie!” She adorably stomped a foot, an action that was supposed to be menacing, paired with her now-crossed arms, but was unfortunately nothing short of simply adorable as Paige’s eyes caught the pout on her face.
Paige smiled. For the first time that morning.
What was she doing, getting mad at this?
She sighed again, careful not to let them hear, and stood, her knees creaking and making sense of her grimace. She still clutched the marker-covered plushie with an iron grip as she said, “Go pack, guys. I’m serious. We don’t have much time.”
“Okay, Mommy,” Tommy said before running cutely out of the room, his arms swaying ridiculously at his sides. “I’m finishing before you, Ellie!”
Ella stayed back and laughed before quickly schooled her expression back into a pout as she looked up at Paige. “He keeps calling me Ellie, Mommy!”
Paige bit her cheeks again, this time to stop herself from smiling. “Yeah, honey? Do you not like it?”
“No!” Ella’s mouth hung open, an offended look of shock coloring her face as she looked at Paige as if she’d said something incredulous.
A small laugh escaped Paige as her grip slackened on the stuffed animal. “I know, baby. I’ll tell him not to call you that anymore, k?” She let go of the unicorn with one hand and reached out to ruffle Ella’s hair, who giggled again as she tried ducking it. “Go pack!” Paige called after her as she sprinted out of the room, laughter spilling out of her that echoed throughout the hollow home.
But it was joy that sprinted away from Paige, too. All of her joy. Except for the unicorn she clutched in her hands, its mane collecting two singular tears that rolled off Paige’s cheeks.
She swallowed roughly, sniffling once as she went to put it back on its rightful place on their bed. She gingerly set it down on the grey sheets, the weight of it rustling the pristine sheets in the small divot it created; imbalance.
She slowly walked over to their nightstand, prying open the top drawer to reveal an untouched stationary kit. The unblemished canvases of envelopes were mocking her. They had to be. Mocking her cowardice, at having hidden them away for so long. For not touching them. Not even looking at them.
But that wasn’t even true.
She picked one up with a trembling hand, her bottom lip curling into her mouth so she could hold onto something.
They weren’t empty. They were quite thick, actually. Filled with lines of memories, regrets, and so much love, care, and tenderness. They were simply concealed within the unspoiled confines of the white envelopes.
Well. It was time.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
Letter #1
September 28th, 2033. San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Hi.
"Is that what I should start with?” Paige lifted her head to look at Ella, who was sitting across from her. They were sitting on a beach, Paige strewn across a towel as she wrote, Ella attempting to build a sandcastle just in front of her, while her brother had run off with the bucket to grab some more water. (“for the structure!”, “okay, sweetie.”)
“Ya,” Ella said simply, cupping more sand into her tiny hands. She patted it into the mound before adding, “That’s what she always says when she does the XOXO voice.”
Paige chuckled, setting the pen down on the cooler they had rented that she’d been using as a makeshift-desk before moving it aside. She tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear before saying, “Did we ever tell you XOXO goes by huggy, too?”
That made Ella look up at her, her mouth falling open in shock. “No way, really!? That’s so cute!” She continued patting the mound, this time more aggressively to make sure it wouldn’t collapse on them in the future.
“Yes, really!” Paige laughed at her enthusiasm, hugging the unicorn tighter against her chest. The small flecks of sand it had gathered on its soft mane scratched Paige’s bare chest, just under her bikini top, but she paid it no mind, instead revelling in how the unicorn was making its presence known. “You can ask Mama about it when we get home.”
It's me, Kisses.
She let Ella know that I go by Huggy, too, when we were at the beach. She was so surprised; it was really cute. She was even more surprised to hear my other nicknames, Cuddles, the one you gave me when you were 19, and the one she coined that same night, Kisses.
I also remember the horrendous thing I had to witness that night- like, seriously, I cannot believe it took you guys years to stow me away when y’all did it- but I still miss the quiet, calm nature of our old apartment in college.
Things were so simple back then; you two would hoop, go to class, hoop some more, go out, do random things, go hoop in other places. I wish you guys would’ve taken me on at least one of those trips, to the Final Four. I didn’t even get to see you save all your shots for Tampa! And there wasn’t even a TV in our dorm room, so I missed it entirely! Unbelievable.
Even more unbelievable was the thing I had to witness when you two got back. Like. Ew. Read the room.
But I’m really glad you took me with you when you got drafted to Dallas. You were so lucky getting to reunite with her like that. She told me one night, after she dug me out of one of your moving boxes, hiding me in her own apartment, ‘She’s the one’.
And I got to see her proposal, all glorious, 8 inches of me, from where she hid me in the trees, overlooking the setup. I’m glad she didn’t forget me that time. Even though she almost did. Her panicking, clumsy self almost left the ring at home, too, because she’d hidden it a little too well from you. That was really funny.
I’m glad she found it in the end. It was a beautiful proposal. I was so happy for you guys.
Oh, the fond memories.
“Can I get this for Mama?” Paige looked over to see Tommy holding up a small keychain, their reflection staring back at them almost teasingly through the body-length mirror hung on the inside of the vendor’s stand.
The letter ‘A’ was embossed into the center of the wooden coin, and the breathtaking views of the beautiful island were engraved around it, colored in with what looked like small pools of wax. The keychain itself was pink, a nylon string wrapping around the pendant in tight cords, weaving its way up to a metal ring.
“Of course you can, baby. That’s her favorite color too. I know she’ll love it.”
Tommy went silent, his little fingers starting to almost absentmindedly rub the sides of the keychain, and Paige could practically see the conflict that was happening in his head.
“She’ll tell you how pretty it is,” she added gently, reaching down with her thumb to gently stroke his collarbone over his little polo in a slow, even rhythm. “I promise.”
He looked up at her, his eyes wide, as he whispered, “Really?”
Paige smiled. A small, painful smile, as her other hand continued its soothing strokes on Ella’s back, who was hugging her leg over the bucket they’d had on the beach that sat between them. “Yes, honey. She’ll love it.”
Tommy got you a souvenir earlier today, as we were leaving the beach.
She loves whenever they talk about you. Her eyes light up, and her whole demeanor changes. It’s cute, really. She was so happy to buy it, so touched that he’d thought of you. It’s your favorite color, too, he remembers. He’s gonna give it to you soon, when we get back.
The views are really pretty. I remember you telling me about how you came here with her once. You spent ages telling me, while on FaceTime with her. I remember feeling so honoured, being invited into the frame. And I remember seeing her look at you with such a clear look of love in her eyes. I knew, then, that she was the one for you. I knew that she loved you so purely, at that very moment. And she did too.
I can't believe it took you another year to admit your feelings, though. That was funny.
She misses you a lot. I can tell. It’s in the way she carries me around, everywhere. But hey, at least I’ve seen more places now!
For real, though, Puerto Rico is pretty. Almost as pretty as the first time you and her went there, or so I hear.
It’s apparently 'not quite Cancun', but it’s nice.
(You see what I did there?)
P.S. She finally got her dream of ‘going to Cancun’…early.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
It was rough, these stretches where Paige had to take care of the kids alone. She was so used to handling them around Azzi, who was just such a natural at taking care of them. It wasn’t that Paige was bad at it, or anything, but she wasn’t doing that well, at least right now.
They’d get to see her when they got back, though. So it was alright.
She watched the two of them fight over the last popsicle from where they sat on the counter, each of them presenting equally persuasive cases as to why they should have it over the other.
“You got the last one!”
“No, I didn’t! I had half of it, and Mommy had the other half!”
“Well, that’s still a whole half more than me!”
“What’s a whole half? It’s just a half, so it wasn’t a whole!”
“No- ugh!”
Paige smiled, leaning in to pluck the plastic-wrapped popsicle out of their hands. “We can split this one too, guys.”
“No!” “I want the whole thing!”
Paige huffed out a laugh at their antics, looking lovingly down at the two of them. “Okay, if y’all are just gonna fight about it, Mommy’s gonna have the whole thing-”
Further protests followed, coming out more immediately than the previous ones, as Paige laughed again, warmth spilling into her empty chest despite the piercing cold invading through her palms.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she watched their eyebrows unknit together in joy. “Rock-paper-scissors?”
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
The three of them sat out on the porch of the Airbnb, one that Paige had opted to rent out instead of staying with the Fudd's like they normally did when they were out in Virginia.
Tommy was clutching the wooden stick of the popsicle around a tissue (that Paige had handed him while scolding him about the last time he’d had one without it), sitting across from Paige, who had her arms around Ella in her lap (part of their agreement after Tommy won rock-paper-scissors).
Paige watched as the sun started dipping below the horizon, light beginning to disappear from around the edges of the now-dark silhouettes of the skyline. All that was audible was the scratch of Ella’s crayons on a piece of paper on the table and the sounds of Tommy eating his popsicle.
It felt peaceful, spending their spring break like this. It was different, oh-so-different from their previous ones, but it was a nice change of scenery for them.
Ella switched to a black crayon, layering it on top of the streaks of brown that coiled down from atop a detailed face to draw more spirals.
As even more of the light started to disappear, Paige turned her head to watch her draw. Tommy was watching her too, contentedly from where he sat with his cold treat.
“This is really good, Ells,” Paige mumbled into her ear, watching the drawing come to life.
Ella let out a giggle from her lap, swaying side to side in her little way of saying thank you. She continued scribbling on the paper, adding more details to her almost-finished portrait.
Paige thought she had finally caught some peace, for the first time in a while, when Tommy spoke up.
“I miss Mama.”
Her grip tightened on XOXO, who was resting on Ella’s back, sandwiched between her and Paige.
“I know, baby, I miss her too.”
“No, Mommy. I-” Paige heard the edges of his words shake, and her breath caught in her chest, pain severing its weak bondages to break free and claw its way into her heart again. “I really miss her.”
Paige sighed, squeezing her eyes shut as she leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on the crown of Ella’s head, who had stopped coloring. She peered up at Tommy, who was pouting. “Me too, kiddo, me too.” The puffs of her breath made Ella’s frizzy hair dance in front of her. “We’ll be back in Dallas in a few days, though, honey. And we’ll all get to see Mama again.”
It thankfully seemed to ease the two children, one returning to her coloring as the other smiled and continued licking his popsicle.
Paige squeezed her eyes shut, her toes curling into the rubber material of her slides.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
“Do you wanna show her your drawing when we get back?”
It was beautiful, the portrait that Ella had finished. She truly had a knack for drawing people, and this work was no different from the rest. Paige was glad they enrolled her in art classes so early.
Ella nodded enthusiastically before a frown took over her features, her head pausing its movements almost comedically.
“What’s wrong, babygirl?”
Ella refused to meet her gaze, twisting herself away from Paige’s face again as she began to play with the drawstring of Paige’s sweats that peeked out from under her short legs.
They stayed like that for a bit, Paige knowing to be patient with her.
“What if she doesn’t like it?” The words were so, so quiet. They came out mumbled, in the hideous fashion where shame intruded on the scene, her voice fragile in the way she’d inherited from Paige.
She swallowed once before saying, “Ells, are you kidding? Mama would love to see this, baby. It’s seriously so good. Here, lemme take a pic of you holding it, and we can show her when we get back?”
Paige paused, her phone coming halfway out of her pocket to take the picture as Ella turned in her lap, a small smile beginning to form on her face. “Or, actually, you can give her the real drawing yourself, baby.”
“Really?” She looked up at her with wide eyes. Wide, innocent, hopeful eyes.
“Yeah,” Paige swallowed again. “When we get back. I know she’d love to have it.”
She let the silence take over for a few moments as Ella re-twisted in her lap to impulsively scribble a few more details on the drawing, before adding, unable to shake the feeling that she should say something more, maybe something a little silly, “It’s like, the original Mona Lisa versus a lame picture of it, y’know?”
Ella crinkled her nose, her teeth becoming visible from just below her top lip as Paige leaned around her to peer down at her.
Paige briefly leaned back to place XOXO on the table to start tickling her from the back. Ella giggled loudly, dropping the crayon she was holding on the glass table with a rattle, immediately trying to shake her way out of the trap as Tommy laughed from his seat at the table, the popsicle already dripping down sticky fingers.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
Letter #2
March 17th, 2034. Arlington, VA.
Hi. It's me again, Huggy.
That’s what Ella says to greet you with: 'Hi.'
Ella said it’s very you, and I’d have to agree. Do you remember when you’d send pictures of me to your girlfriend, with your little texts under them? You started all of those with ‘hi’, too. I miss those times.
Spring break is different this year. I knew it would be, but it hit both me and her much harder than expected.
We were just at your childhood playground, in your hometown. Just the four of us, though. I was watching the kids play from where I sat at a picnic table.
I think she said something about you two having your first kiss here, to the little ones. Yes, I overheard them. I’m still a little eavesdropper. Sue me.
She was being all sentimental, gripping me tight. You know how she is, all that toughness on the outside, but a softie at heart. I know she loves it when you tell her that, even though she hides it. She loves hearing how tough it makes her sound, because she is. And so resilient, like you say, after all she’s been through.
The playground’s somehow the same. I don’t think it’s been changed at all. It looks like it’s painted the same, too, with the red and blue color scheme still in place.
It’s still kinda ugly. Like you. (I’m kidding. You can’t see, but I’m laughing right now. I don’t mean it in a serious way.)
We all miss you. Loads.
She said she was finally going to give me to your parents today, but she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even drive into the neighborhood. We stayed at an Airbnb instead. Your dad was mad at first, but he gets it. I hope. She hopes.
Ella drew a breathtaking portrait of you, out on the porch tonight. It really does look like you. Ella even drew that look in your eyes, that hard, steely one, whenever you’d wanna tell her something, but the kids were around.
I love that look. She loves that look.
Tommy had a popsicle tonight after he won rock-paper-scissors against Ella. I watched it happen from the dining table.
Oh, she played too, but she got out in the first round. She threw up scissors, like an idiot.
I remember how you always chose rock, and she pretended not to notice that as she slowly started making scissors her go-to move. She got you pretty good each time. I can't believe it took you so long to catch on.
Fond memories.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
Letter #3
August 15th, 2034. Dallas, TX.
Hi again. It's me, Cuddles.
That’s still the only greeting that feels right.
It hasn’t been great, if I’m being completely honest. I haven’t been outside the house in months, her faring no better. She keeps whispering to me these little phrases at night, these little mantras that pretend everything’s okay. She knows it’s not. I know it’s not.
But that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Everything doesn't have to be okay. A lot of beautiful, precious things aren’t 'okay'. They’re described by much prettier words that encompass so much more than the simple, obnoxious word ‘okay’.
Life can be pleasant, charming in ways you’d never expect, only made available through riding the waves of intense feelings like grief, loss, sorrow.
That’s what her therapist said, apparently.
Actually, not apparently. I got to sit in on her last session, and the therapist raved about me. They said I looked really gorgeous, and that they were glad I was accompanying her everywhere now. It made her smile. I haven’t seen her smile in a long time.
I hope Mom can return to basketball someday, even though she couldn’t this year. I know she wants to. But I also know it was really rough for her to even attend that one Dallas game without you, earlier this season.
She cries every night now, curled up into a ball beside me, clutching your old jersey with cold, clammy hands. I can’t even do anything. I just have to sit there, on your side of the bed, and watch. It makes me sad, seeing her so broken.
She told me she’s gonna wear 35.
If she ever returns.
She knows you’d like that. Even though you’d protest at first, because you’re really humble and sweet and kind and everything. But she’d argue with you and pepper your face with kisses until you gave in, rolling your eyes in that familiar way of yours.
She really loves you. Her love for you has grown every day. I hope you know that.
She had a rough morning after finding me scribbled on by the kids. It made her mad. Really mad. But that was only at first. She realized how unreasonable it was to blow up at them for such a thing. She did what you used to do, taking deep, long breaths, and squeezing her eyes shut when it got too much.
I like that she learned that from you.
She knows you’d like me like this, anyway. With your guys’ kids’ little touch. You’d love the colors they used, say they looked pretty on me. You'd say it gives me personality. Then she’d make a joke about me already having personality, or something. Which I do. Clearly.
She'd honestly say anything, just to make you laugh. It was her favorite thing in the whole world, watching you giggle.
She sees it in Ella every day.
And your smile, that radiant smile, in Tommy, every single day.
I hope you’re happy right now.
Actually, I know you’re happy right now.
Because you were always happy. So joyful, kindhearted…our everything. We’ll always love you.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
This drive was no easier. Paige’s lips were bleeding by the time they made it to the parking lot, chewed so raw that it hurt to run her tongue over their cracked, uneven surfaces. But she put on a brave face, like she always did, as she stepped out of the car and began to help Ella and Tommy out.
She made sure they had everything with them before locking the car with a click.
Paige watched as the two of them ran into the cemetery, with way more whimsy than the occasion called for, but it was not the time to dim their light. The sight warmed her frigid insides. They knew exactly which tombstone it was now, by heart. Two rows to the right, twenty-two down.
By the time Paige padded over there, the large bouquet she’d bought that morning crinkling against the skin of her bare arm, they’d already laid out their gifts, on either side of the grave.
A keychain from Puerto Rico.
A drawing from Virginia.
Paige bent down to place the flowers at the foot of the stone, her lips quivering as she fought to keep it together.
What was left?
She painfully let go of the worn-down, messy plushie, gently placing it down on the center of the grave, just below the writing:
Azzi Fudd
August 15th, 2033
XOXO was with her again.
⋆*・ﾟ:⋆*・ﾟ
At home, they lay forgotten on the bed. The cold side of the bed.
Four letters.
Four devastating letters.
Four devastating, gut-wrenching letters.
But they were now signed. In shaky, uneven scrawl, in yellow, blue, and pink:
Alr I lowkey forgot the question...so ima ask this one first and if I remember I'll ask the other one
Do you guys want a rotating release schedule for burning blue and get you?
yes
no
Remaining time: 19 hours 52 minutes
Explanation to this question:
So basically the whole g!p Paige thing started in my brain with this burning blue fic idea i came up with, then i got anon request for a inexperienced p x experienced a and it just kinda blossomed.
But, burning blue has kinda taken a back burner and I've lost motivation. If I do a rotating schedule, I may be able to catch up and release things faster. All depends. This poll isn't meant to decide, just meant to get opinions.
Paige tossed and turned all night. She'd never been able to rest well when she felt guilty. The habit dated back to when she was seven and had an extra piece of candy from her Halloween stash. She'd gone into her parents' bedroom at two in the morning, eyes filled with guilt and tears.
The feeling was like a boulder in her stomach – completely destroying her ability to get comfortable enough to rest.
The guilt she felt for keeping this terrible secret. She had a million times to tell Azzi that her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend. She could have told her on the way to the lake, at the lake, on the way to her house, at her house, and when she dropped the brunette off.
Her brain tried to rationalize by saying that Azzi wouldn't care – she didn't even like Jacob. He was just a tool to keep her parents and everyone else in her life satisfied. When Paige finally did tell her, she hoped that the girl would feel relief instead of sorrow.
When her alarm finally went off at six, she didn't even hit snooze. Paige didn't bother putting on her real outfit – just a pair of basketball shorts over her compression shorts. She pulled a tank top over her sports bra. She packed a pair of loose jeans, a random t-shirt, and a pair of slides, choosing comfort over style today.
She didn't do anything but brush her teeth and clean her glasses before heading out.
After she got to school, she did the same routine as the previous day. Front squats, deadlifts, rows, pushups, and pullups made up her entire workout. Unluckily for her, it was pouring outside, which meant the only cardio available for her was the exercise bike.
She only made it seven and a half minutes before she was hopping off and practically running to the shower.
Once she was dressed and her damp hair was smoothed into a bun, an idea popped into her mind. She pulled her phone out quickly before she could change her mind.
Paige Bueckers: Good morning Azzi! Do you have a ride to school this am? The weather is ass
She gathered her belongings, shoving them into her gym bag as she waited for a reply. Her phone dinged a couple of seconds later.
Azzi: Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for the offer, Paige!! I hate biking to school in the rain, and Jacob won't message me back :(
The blonde held back an eye roll.
Paige Bueckers: I'm sorry about that Az. I'll be there in like 15
She shoved her gym bag into her locker, grabbing her backpack and car keys so she could head out to get her new friend. Today would be the perfect opportunity to tell Azzi about Jake's… adventures – she'd do it when she took the brunette home after their session.
Speaking of Jacob Gibson, Paige couldn't comprehend how one person could be so fucking stupid.
Not only was he cheating on Hays County High's resident golden girl, even when he'd been caught, he decided to return to the same spot to make out with his girlfriend's best friend.
The opportunity was too good to pass up. She didn't get too close, just zoomed in so that a blind man could see Jacob and Chrissy with their tongues down each other's throat. Paige didn't record too much, just enough to be the proof Azzi needed to break up with him and start living for herself. She didn't even try to hide the way she was taking a video of them, but their tongues were too far down each other's throats to pay attention.
Unlike yesterday, she said nothing to the cheaters – she needed to pick up Azzi, and picking a fight with her stupid boyfriend would only hold her up, and she didn't want her tutor to think she was blowing her off.
Paige tugged her hood over her head and jogged out to her truck. The journey to Azzi's house was filled with silence, and Paige was immediately reminded that she needed to purchase a speacker for her car because she hated having to exist without music.
Instead of (badly) singing The Art of Loving album, Paige tried to think about how she should tell Azzi about her cheating partner. Based on their conversation the day before, Azzi didn't even like him. So hopefully, when she showed her the pictures, she wouldn't be heartbroken – maybe relieved that she wouldn't have to be with him anymore.
Even though she shouldn't be too broken up about it, Paige thought about anywhere she could get ice cream this early in the morning if Azzi needed a pick me up after the news.
Rain was falling in sheets when she finally pulled up to Azzi's mansion. Standaing on the porch next to her bike was her tutor. Her outfit was…different than the way most girls would dress in the rain, and anger spiked in Paige's gut. She wondered if her outfit was chosen because she liked it or because it's what her parents would've approved of. Because there was no was a regular teenager would want to wear white rain boots, a long floral skirt, and a tan sweater in the 85 degree weather Texas always boasted in late September.
Paige felt her brows pinch together in confusion as she watched Azzi turn towards her bicycle. She rolled her window down, just enough to make sure the brunette could hear her.
"Azzi! What are you doing?"
The other girl tilted her head to the side, just slightly. "I need my bike so I can get home after tutoring."
Blue eyes darted down to the passenger seat and the rain that was starting to soak it. She threw her truck in park and rolled the glass up. Her movements were quick as she rounded the front of her truck and leaped onto the covered porch.
"If I offer to pick you up, I'm also offering to take you home." She watched as dark brows furrowed deeper. "Is that not what Jake would do?"
A few curls from Azzi's ponytail escaped as she shook her head. "Sometimes he'd do both, but most of the time, he'd be late picking me up, so I preferred to get to school myself."
Tanned cheeks colored with embarrassment. Here was yet another thing that Jacob should have been doing that he never did consistently. And it wasn't like this could be an excuse she could give to her parents to break up with him, because somehow, they would turn it back on her.
"Oh," Paige started. "Well, you don't have to worry about that with me. I always look out for my friends. So you can let me know where to put the bike, and we can get going."
Azzi stood frozen on the brick landing. It wasn't often that people offered to help her without getting anything in return.
"Oh! Can you get a towel? Your seat got a little wet when I had the window down. I don't want your pretty skirt getting messed up."
"I – um you can just put the bicycle by the door. I'll go get that towel for you," Azzi said, scurrying inside.
The entryway of the Fudd house looked like it belonged in a magazine. The floors were so perfectly polished that Paige could see her reflection in the marble. There was a large chandelier hanging above her head. The wall to her right had a massive portrait of Mr. and Mrs. Fudd.
It was odd to Paige. She couldn't imagine having a child as perfect as Azzi Fudd and highlighting herself and her spouse instead of their child.
Even though Azzi wasn't on display, she could see echoes of her features in her parents. She had the same doe eyes and natural pout as her mother. The shape of her nose was almost identical to her father's. Her dad's hair was stick straight, so that was obviously from her mom. She couldn't tell where her dimples were from because they were incredibly straight-faced in the photo. But one thing that she did know is that Azzi's heart and love for people was from neither of them.
She looked away from the portrait when she heard footsteps. A fluffy white towel was clutched tightly to her chest along with two umbrellas.
"I hope you don't mind. I grabbed an umbrella for you, so you won't have to get wetter," Azzi smiled softly, holding out the umbrella.
Paige felt her cheeks warming. "I don't know how I forgot to get an umbrella to keep in my truck. Thank you Azzi, seriously."
"Well it's nothing. Besides, it's perfect." She practically floated passed Paige to get to the front door. "Now you don't have to go get a new one."
Paige followed her out, walking back to the truck while the brunette locked up. When Azzi turned to get into the car, Paige reached across the cab to push the door open.
Her stomach was in knots when Azzi got it. She was just so happy, and Paige knew that once she told her about Jake and Chrissy, she wouldn't be.
"I had a hard workout this morning," she started, breaking the comfortable silence. "Do you mind if we stop by Dunkin' on the way? I'll make sure we're at school on time."
"I think that'd be okay. As long as we're not late for first period."
When they were a couple of blocks away from the restaurant, Paige pulled out her phone and tapped her gallery. There was no need to scroll and search. The photo and video were the last things she captured.
"Azzi," she called lowly. "I have something to show you, and it's not something good. And I just want to tell you that I'm sorry."
She risked a glance at the girl in her passenger seat. Azzi's eyes were wide in apprehension.
Paige just tapped the video and handed Azzi the phone.
