Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the You Tuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia(within a chapter), and making out/mentions of sex
A/N: Ahhh, so this is the final chapter. I would just like to thank everyone who helped make this fic, like my beta and artist. Both of them worked as much as possible, and I really appreciate it. Also, thanks to the mods of the PBB for setting all of this up. Finally, thank you for reading this.
I hope you enjoy this final chapter~
Dan’s eyes flutter open and then quickly widen as he notices where he is or, more specifically, who he’s woken up with. At this moment, Dan was pressed up against a Phil who wore only his boxers and had an arm wrapped protectively around him, his breaths slow and calm.
Dan quickly tries to remember how exactly he ended up here and why he was left in only his boxers as well, but there’s a piercing headache that is distracting him from any proper thoughts. Right now, all he can remember is that he went out to the pub with Phil and met up with PJ and Louise to hang out and in the end Dan ended up getting really drunk and into some kind of bar fight for a reason that wasn’t completely clear to him yet.
He sighs in frustration, he’d already lost majority of his memory forever, he didn’t really enjoy losing the last night. Especially when said night landed him in Phil’s bed with them both almost naked.
Dan slips out of Phil’s embrace as slowly as possible and decides to go into the kitchen and make them both a cup of coffee. He figured when Phil did wake up he probably would be greeted with a pretty nice hangover like he was having now. As he started the coffee, he tries his best to try and recall everything that happened last night that could have lead him into Phil’s bed, and exactly what they ended up doing that left them both in just their boxers.
He leans against the counter, staring blankly at the white tiles and everything all of a sudden hits him like a brick wall. He remembered sitting in Phil’s lap the entire time at the bar, and getting into the fight because the guy had insulted them. He insulted them both when Dan was at his happiest point in time and felt most safe ever since the hospital. Dan remembered seeing Phil’s tears when he was forced to see him with a bloody nose, and how Dan was completely blind to the pain. He remembered when he didn’t shut his mouth like Phil asked him to and ended up confessing his feelings and the fact that he loved Phil and was tired of not being able to fully show it without being completely terrified of the situation. Then, Phil was on top of Dan, kissing him. Phil was dragging Dan into his room, whispering such reassuring words that did more than convince Dan that Phil had more than agreed with what he had just confessed.
Dan remembered that he ended up having sex with Phil last night.
As if on cue, Phil comes walking into the kitchen. His hair was completely out of place, and he didn’t seem to attempt putting at least pajama pants on. Then again, Dan didn’t either. Phil’s face had no expression other than exhaustion and pain from the predicted headache Dan knew he had. It didn’t seem like he had recalled what happened last night either. It was that, or he was just trying to ignore it.
So, there they were. Two grown men standing in a kitchen in just their boxers, their appearances just completely wild in every way possible. One looking completely awkward, while the other seemed as if he wouldn’t be able to function until he had a cup of coffee put in his hand. Two men who came from the same room in this shape. Two men whose relationship was completely unidentified just yesterday. Two men who ended up having sex and possibly ruining that unidentified relationship forever. That same unidentified relationship that Dan would die both to keep and lose for so many different reasons.
“Morning.” Phil says simply with a yawn, seeming unaffected by all of these things Dan is just starting to realize.
Dan hesitates before answering. If Phil wasn’t freaking out about this, then why should he? He tries his best to hold back any flustered or nervous behavior, along with this headache that didn’t seem to have any end in sight. “Good morning,” He starts, his voice slightly high pitched. He coughs awkwardly, then tries again. This time his voice normal. “I’m assuming you came to start some coffee for that splitting headache I’m sure you have as well?” He asks with a small grin.
Phil lets out half a laugh, starting to rub his temples. “You have no idea.”
“Ha, trust me, I’m sure I do. Thankfully, I’m already on it. How about you go…” He trails off, quickly scanning over Phil then mentally slapping himself for doing so. “Uh, get dressed or whatever, and then I’ll meet you in the lounge with a cup of coffee, does that sound alright?”
He smiles, looking over at Dan and appearing completely oblivious to his actions. “Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I’ll see you in the lounge then.” Phil then leans over and presses a soft kiss on Dan’s cheek before leaving.
Dan let’s out an exhausted sigh once Phil is out of sight. “C’mon, you’re fucking killing me, Phil.” He mumbles to himself.
Once the coffee is done, Dan quickly pours them into two mugs and adds cream and sugar. He plans out exactly what he should do and how to act and then walks into the lounge, a small fake smile on his face as he latches eyes with Phil who was now in pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt.
He hands Phil his cup. “Here you are.” He backs up, placing his own cup on the coffee table. “I suppose I should get dressed myself then.” He suggests, blushing slightly seeing that he was now the only one close to nudity.
A devious grin plays across Phil’s face. “Now, that would just waste too much time. You clearly have something to say to me, I’d rather you just start talking. If it’s bad news, then I’d rather receive it from a Dan that’s fairly indecent than a completely clothed one. Makes it more exciting.” He explains, taking a sip of his drink.
Dan freezes, taking in exactly what Phil had just said. So, Phil was still being pretty close, he figures that must mean something. “Right,” He starts simply, giving another awkward cough before continuing. “So, last night was… it was something.”
“Yes… It definitely was.” Phil replies, his devious grin turning into a static line.
“Um… How are we going to go about this then. Because, I’m pretty sure if what I am confident happened last night really did occur, then we should probably discuss things, right?” Dan asks, cursing Phil out in his head for literally making this even more difficult than he thought it would be.
Phil straightens up, letting out a sigh. “Look, if you are saying we need to figure things out because… Well uh, because we did the do, then I can’t exactly help you.” He looks up at Dan. “I’m just as lost as you are on the subject, so I don’t know what we’re gonna do about it.”
Dan stares down at Phil with complete confusion. This didn’t make sense. They couldn’t just remain here with no way to solve anything. There’s just too many concerns, too many emotions rolling through Dan’s head to accept “I can’t exactly help you” as an answer. Help is exactly what Dan needed, help from Phil more specifically.
“I’m uh- I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Dan dismisses randomly, abandoning Phil in the lounge and shutting his bedroom door behind him.
Great job, just abandon the man you slept with and love because neither of you know what to do anymore. You’re no better than him abandoning you for an entire week.
Dan groans. He did not need these thoughts right now, he was too tired and in pain to even try to deal with these thoughts. He takes a seat at his desk chair and brings his face into his hands. He didn’t know what to do anymore. What was he suppose to do? He slept with Phil, the person he loved, so there really shouldn’t be a problem. But, there was. There was because there always had to be a problem, there was always a catch to the things that should just be simple in a normal person's life.
Dan was just so tired of all these problems he shouldn’t even be having. He thinks about Phil, and what he might be doing now that he was just left alone in the lounge.
They had to deal with this, but how?
He tries to take a step back and ignore the main issue of last night. Other than said issue, Dan said somethings, and Phil replied. But Phil replied in ways more physical than usual.
Can you just stop thinking about what Phil did to you last night, and focus more on what he said to you?!
For once Dan’s thought was actually right, and he lounges out in his chair, closing his eyes and trying hard to recall Phil’s words last night.
“God, why is this so hard.” He mumbles to himself. This was ridiculous that he couldn’t remember something that happened just a few hours ago. He fucking hates alcohol.
He remembers Phil mumbling words to him as he sat on top of him on the sofa before they went into the room. He remembers Phil telling him that he’s sorry it took him so long to do something like this, he was sorry for making Dan wait so long for something they both greatly wanted. Dan remembers right before any clothes were stripped from either of them Phil looked over at him with soft and caring eyes. He then told Dan that he wanted this, he wanted all of this and it shouldn’t have taken him this long to confess. Dan remembers when it was all over there was a soft kiss placed on the top of his forehead accompanied with the words ‘I love you, I always have’. Then, that was it. Here they were, the next day.
Dan’s eyes open and his gaze is caught on to the floor blankly. “Phil… he said he loves me.” He mutters to himself as if the memory would only become a fact if it were said out loud.
There’s a tug at his heart and he feels as if he might start crying, but there’s no sign of tears. He just has this feeling that’s a mixture of relief, happiness and… disbelief. Even if Phil did speak those words last night, there was no way he could mean them. Dan’s luck was completely non existent, so there was no way that he could end up in Phil’s arms with the words ‘I love you’ echoing through his head even after everything they’ve gone through. Just two weeks ago, Phil was ignoring him over these exact feelings. Now they were sleeping with each other and Phil was the one speaking those words? None of this made sense and Dan just wanted a clear fucking answer. He didn’t have time to celebrate the fact that Phil loves him because his brain was too quick to question it.
There’s a knock on his door that causes Dan to jump, completely alert as opposed to how he was just moments ago. “Hey, Dan!” It’s Phil. Of course it was, who the hell else could it have been? “You uh, left your coffee in the lounge. I was thinking you can come get it and we can properly sit down and have uh… chat about everything.” He offers through the door.
Dan doesn’t answer, seeming caught in a trance as he stares at the door in both horror and confusion.
There’s an audible sigh heard from the other sigh. “Look, I understand you’re probably lost and confused and just so many other things. I am too, but we aren’t going to solve anything with you locked up in your room. It’s about time we actually talk about things and stop running from reality.” Phil pauses, hoping for some confirmation that Dan was at least listening.
When getting none, he still continues. “Alright, well, if you want your coffee it’s in the lounge.”
Before Dan can be left with his thoughts, he hears Phil say one last thing. “I just want to be here for you Dan, just come talk to me, please.”
After about two or three minutes of silence and getting dressed into some clothes, Dan stands up and heads towards his door. He was tired of running away from things and trying to solve problems that weren’t just his by himself. He decided it was time he start facing these issues with someone who could greatly help if not solve them.
Dan walks down the hall, every step feeling as if he’s being weighed down by both cement and dread. As he enters the lounge Phil’s head shoots towards Dan. “Wow, you actually came out.”
He shoots Phil a small grin. “Yeah, what a surprise, huh?” He replies simply, taking a seat next to him. “I didn’t come for my coffee though. I’m here to talk about things, like you offered.”
Phil sits up straight. “Right. So, before I start, I feel like you should speak first since you are probably loaded with questions.”
“You have no idea.” He says simply, then looks over at Phil. “Last night… You told me you loved me, that you always have. I don’t know if you really meant it, but if you did then Phil, abandoning the person you’ve always loved for a week for confessing the same thing and keeping secrets from them is a pretty fucked up thing to do, don’t you think?” Dan’s voice is bitter, and it’s laced with anger and annoyance, not even a hint of amusement or love to it.
Phil’s eyes fall as he’s quickly drenched in guilt. “I know it is. Everything I did lately has been pretty fucked up. Ignoring you for a week and then begging for forgiveness without even explaining what started the whole thing, then just being completely close to you in ways that were clearly more than platonic without confirming any label. I know I scared you into not even attempting to try and discuss a label for us, and it broke my heart when I realized that, it really did.” There’s tears quickly forming in his eyes as he’s trying hard to explain his reasons for doing all of this. “There is so much I need to apologize for Dan, and I know an apology isn’t even going to cut it.”
Dan crosses his arms, trying his best not to just hug Phil and reassure him that it was all okay, because it wasn’t. Some of the things that Phil has done to him really isn’t okay. “No, an apology won’t cut a few of the things that’s happened. What would help is an answer to these damn secrets you’ve been keeping about our lives in 2012 for so long.”
“I know, I’m planning to explain all that soon. But, before I even get to that, I just want to tell you I don’t regret kissing you at that museum, or any of the late night cuddles we’ve had, and I especially don’t regret telling you I love you… Because, I mean that. I really do love you Dan. It was just… back in 2012 I’m sure you heard that there were a lot of complications between us.” He starts, staring down at the sofa as he pushes back tears. “We would have fights constantly, until one day we were just tired of it. We decided to actually sit down and have a civil conversation to actually figure things out. The problem wasn’t the fact we didn’t love each other, it was more of the question of how we loved each other.”
Dan’s expression softens as Phil speaks, becoming completely engulfed in Phil’s explanation. Any emotions of anger or annoyance being completely wiped.
“So, when we sat down I asked you if you could imagine a future with me… Like, a serious one. Or, more importantly, if you could imagine one without me being so involved in your life. I asked if you could consider starting a family, and moving out to live with your loved one… a loved one that wasn’t me.” Tears are starting to fall down Phil’s cheek again and he’s gripping his hands together so hard they’ve gone completely white. “Push came to shove, your answer was maybe. But, to me maybe meant yes, and even if I wanted something more, I didn’t want to force a relationship on you. So, since that day we agreed that we’d stay platonic, no matter what. Then, you went on to date other people and we went on with our lives. But, the dating kind of stopped in 2015 and I honestly got curious. Even so, I didn’t ask anything. Now, here we are…”
Phil trails off. He has more to say, but he let’s out a sob before continuing. In response, Dan wraps an arm around Phil for comfort. “It took all the effort I had not to just tell you that we were together. When you kissed me on London Eye, I even considered the fact that it wouldn’t harm anyone if I told you we were a couple, but then I thought about you back in 2012. You told me that you loved me, and you cared about me more than anything in the world, but you “just didn’t know.” Because of that, and our promise, I thought that I shouldn’t just take advantage of you like that. I had to do what you wanted in the first place. I was just trying to do what you wanted before all this. Even if I did always love you from the start of everything.”
As he stops talking he completely breaks down, shrinking into Dan’s touch as he wraps his arms around Phil. “I’m sorry I hurt you like this. I know you were trying to do what I wanted, but you can’t just torture yourself like you did.” Dan starts, his voice soft. “The point is, I’m not Dan from 2012, the answer isn’t maybe anymore. I can’t even imagine a life even remotely without you anymore, Phil.”
Dan pushes Phil back, forcing him to be looking Dan directly in the eyes. Before he speaks, he wipes the tears from Phil’s face off and gives him the biggest smile possible. “Phil Lester, I love you way more than platonically, alright? I see a life where we get a house with your own garden, and you still have the entire house infested with house plants. A life where we have an adorable shiba inu as a dog who wakes us both up in the morning with a million kisses. I see a life where we wake up beside each other, fingers intertwined. A life where we’re happy together, where we can tell each other we love each other a million times and it still gives us that feeling as if we are floating. I see a life with you, Phil. A life with you and no on else, okay?”
Phil smiles, nodding. In response, Dan leans down and for the first time, he initiates a kiss that Phil returns with no hesitation. “Thank you, Dan. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened. I promise I won’t hide anything from you. I’ll help you fight through this amnesia, and I’ll help you make memories that are even better than the ones you’ve forgotten,” He nuzzles his head into the nook of Dan’s neck. “I love you Dan, more than anything in the world.”
“I love you too Phil, forever and always.” Dan mutters, placing a soft kiss on Phil’s head.
They stay there in the lounge in silence for a while, Phil’s breath slowing in Dan’s embrace as his eyes close and he falls into a slumber despite waking up just an hour ago. As Dan sits there, he can’t help but bring his attention to all of the knick knacks and photographs around the lounge. Just a few months ago, he looked at these things with desperation, begging these inanimate objects to give him some piece of memory from his life with Phil. Now, his desperation for the recovery of his memory wasn’t completely necessary to him. He understood that all of these things that surrounded him might have held things that were quickly stripped from him, but knowing that he could soon make new memories definitely helped calm his nerves. Now that everything was calm, and he didn’t have thoughts screaming at him, Dan felt like he was safe now, that he didn’t have to be scared of the past or future anymore.
Dan knew that wherever he ended up, he’d have Phil right there beside him, and that thought alone was enough to make Dan finally feel truly happy for the first time since all of this.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the You Tuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia(within this chapter), and making out/mentions of sex (within this chapter as well)
A/N: Writing and rereading this chapter literally pissed me off just thinking that there are actually people like this out there. I apologize for the many slurs in this, I am literally the last person on earth to agree to this characters words.
Phil leans up slightly. “Hey, I’m gonna go make some popcorn before we start this. You pick out the movie and I’ll be back in a sec, alright?” He asks, looking down at Dan who was leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder while browsing mindlessly through tumblr.
He breaks his attention from his macbook and smiles over at Phil, nodding. “Okay.” Dan answers simply.
Before leaving for the kitchen, Phil lays a small kiss on Dan’s lips. There wasn’t enough time for Dan to react, but he never really felt the need to anymore. It’s been a week since they’ve started these small and quick kisses. The day after the main kiss is when they’re unknown relationship all became a little more intimate. Ever since Phil had kissed Dan at the museum, these kisses have continued everyday, whether it be a good morning peck on the cheek, or just for the hell of it. Dan had to admit, he was beginning to live for them.
He is sat at the sofa, browsing netflix in search of a good movie they should watch. He feels in the mood for a nice horror movie, but he’s not sure that would go along well with the vibe this week.
Dan can’t help but laugh lightly, a smile accompanying it. This entire week has been spent cuddling together in bed, chaste and caring kisses— sometimes on the lips, sometimes not — and just overall, more innocent flirting. They were acting like an all out couple that just “wasn’t ready yet” for anything serious. But, that didn’t make this anywhere close to having a label. Neither of them would even attempt to discuss what they were doing, Dan being mute on the subject in fear of losing what they’ve gained for so long.
Dan honestly didn’t know if anything like this has happened between them before. Phil didn’t appear new to these more intimate moments with him, so he figured he had to be familiar to something like this. It’s now that Dan’s amnesia is clear to him, and there is no way he can really push it away. If it weren’t for his damn memory loss, he’s certain his knowledge from their past would at least help him understand things a little better.
Or, what if Dan never even liked Phil like he does now in the first place?
What if Dan just made this crush up because Phil was the one person who reached out to him first when he needed it the most?
Dan scoffs. That thought was just complete rubbish. The point was, Dan liked Phil… He loved him, really. It didn’t matter what Dan thought before all this happened, even if none of this drama and confusion would have happened if Dan never lost his memory of his life with Phil.
Before he can spiral into some black hole of questions and doubt, his phone goes off. It’s a text from PJ.
‘Hey, haven’t hung out with you or Phil in a while. Are you two up for meeting me and Louise at the pub just down the street from you guys?’
After reading the text, he heads into the kitchen, Phil quickly opening the glass door before Dan runs into it. “Dan, there’s a door there y’know.” He states with a small chuckle.
Phil then glances down at the phone in Dan’s hand. “What’s up?”
“Oh! Uh, PJ and Louise were wondering if we wanted to hangout at the pub down the street for a bit. They just wanted to catch up with us and stuff.” Dan explains, showing Phil the text from PJ.
Phil smiles, taking the phone from Dan. He decides to call PJ, Dan quickly trying to snatch his phone back. “Phil! Give it back, there is no need to call him!”
“Hello? PJ?” Phil speaks, swatting Dan away. “Shh, I’m on the phone. Don’t you know it’s rude to talk so loud when someone else is speaking?” He mumbles.
A devious smirk forms on Phil’s face as Dan crosses his arms, looking like a small child who hadn’t gotten what they wanted. Although, a small, humorous grin was placed behind the angry façade.
Phil goes back to the conversation with PJ. “So, PJ. Don’t you know it’s more polite to invite someone to hang out over a phone call than through text?”
He nods his head in reply to words from PJ on the other end, glancing over at Dan. “Yeah, yeah. I understand Dan is an awkward human being with no social skills. Trust me, I know this all too well.”
“Shut up!” Dan shoves Phil playfully, then finally succeeds in getting the phone back.
He puts it to his ear, still fighting off Phil. “Hey, PJ. We’ll be there in five.” He says simply, then hangs up after getting an okay and a “we’ll see you soon.”
After hanging up, Dan puts his phone on the kitchen counter and glares over at Phil. “Was that really necessary?” He asks, crossing his arms.
A playful smile is still on Phil’s face. “No, not at all.” He replies simply, mocking Dan’s posture. “But, you are really frickin cute when you get angry like that.”
“Oh my god,” Dan rolls his eyes with a single laugh. “I hate you so much.”
Phil wraps an arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. “You know that’s literally no where close to the truth.” He mutters in Dan’s ear, pressing a soft kiss on his cheek.
Dan pauses, his face going slightly red and he feels his stomach drop.
What exactly did he mean by that?
Was Phil inviting Dan to clearly express the fact that he did really love him?
The silence before anyone spoke proved that even if this was what Phil wanted, he wasn’t going to be getting it.
“Now, let’s get ready. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to go to the bar in your PJs.” Phil says, acting as if the last minute or so never happened.
He unwraps himself from Dan and heads to the kitchen door. “I’ll meet you in the hall when you’re ready.” He finishes simply, then heads out into his own room to get ready himself.
Dan looks himself over in the mirror that he had in his room after getting dressed. He was wearing a white button up with black dots thrown throughout it, paired with his normal skinny jeans. It wasn’t exactly the clothing that made Dan thoroughly look over himself. It was more of the way he looked now as opposed to how he looked only three months ago from what he remembered; from what he knew.
Just three months ago he was seventeen, his face was so much more rounded and his eyes were full of over all innocence. Now, they were engulfed by confusion, slight bags accompanying them due to his lack of sleep.
Only three months ago, the only worry Dan had was figuring out what the hell his future held for him. But, now Dan knew, he was practically in the future. So, now his mind had so many other worries — starting from the fact that he’s lost seven years of his life and ending with the fact he is now in an unstable relationship with his best friend that only three months ago was just a popular You Tuber star to him.
Dan missed being seventeen and not having all of this stress on his shoulders, only having to worry about what university to get into and what to study. He wanted his life from then, back.
He quickly breaks from the hard gaze he had on his own reflection and starts walking to his bedroom door. Dan was getting completely out of hand and over thinking things.
“Hey, you ready?” Phil asks as Dan comes out of his room.
“Uh, yeah.” He replies, sounding slightly out of it and looking over Phil.
He was wearing a light blue shirt along with black jeans. It’s now that Dan considers he might have over dressed just a little bit.
“Let’s head out, then.” Phil announces, guiding Dan out of the flat with his arm wrapped around his waist just as usual.
When they arrive, everything is normal. It’s a friendly atmosphere, and both Dan and Phil haven’t shown any evidence to the fact their relationship is anything more than platonic. This is why both PJ and Louise are slightly disappointed to see they don’t appear to be getting the results they genuinely planned this get together for. Either or, the four continue their casual banter while having a few alcoholic drinks.
About an hour or so later (or, more like three or four drinks into the night), Dan is laughing at about every comment anyone makes. At this point, everyone is all in a friendly mood, but Dan couldn’t really care less, because he was about one too many drinks away from sobriety and all he cared about right now was his arms wrapped securely around Phil’s neck as he sat on his lap. He didn’t care if a fan caught them, or if this relationship wasn’t even completely valid. Right now, all he cared about was that he was warm and so so very happy sitting here in Phil’s lap and being able to laugh with his friends, feeling completely secure. All Dan could clearly focus on was the light blush that always seemed to be glued onto Phil’s face and the sheepish smile he gave Dan whenever he tried to kiss it away.
Both PJ and Louise didn’t seem to care. In fact, both of them seemed even more happy once Dan settled into Phil. The conversation just became easier for Dan once he closed the gap and did what he’s been wanting to do for a while. It was either that, or the fact that the alcohol in his system seemed to make everything come with such ease.
Dan’s laughing loudly, and is commenting on a sarcastic remark PJ has just made when he notices out the corner of his eye a man glaring over at him and Phil, then looking at the man next to him. “You see those two behind us?” He mumbles, nudging his friend. “They need to learn how to get a damn room.” He scoffs, glancing back at Dan to see that he had gotten his full attention.
“Excuse me?” Dan asks, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.
“You heard me. Now, go run off with your little boy toy, you queer.” He replies, talking down to Dan and turning his attention back to the man beside him.
“This isn’t a place meant for faggots. I don’t understand why dumbasses like those two don’t understand that.” He shakes his head, taking a large sip of his beer.
“Dan,” Phil says quickly, grabbing Dan’s forearm as he’s getting out of Phil’s lap. “It’s alright. Just ignore him, please.”
“No, I’m not just going to let someone talk about us like that, Phil. You don’t deserve to be called shit like that.” He replies while getting out of the booth and heading toward the large and most likely very intoxicated man.
“Look you twat, I’d appreciate it if you would kindly shut the fuck up about me and my friend over there.” Dan says, slamming his hand on the man’s table and getting in his face.
If he would’ve been a spectator in this situation, like himself looking at his actions when sober, Dan probably would have slapped himself before the other guy could get to him. But, the combination of adrenaline and the many shots of tequila going through his system seemed to take away any factor of logic at the moment. All Dan knew was that there was no way he could allow someone to threaten his and Phil’s joy.
The guy stands up, forcing Dan to back up slightly. No matter how confident he felt right now, Dan couldn’t help the fact that the man’s broad appearance made him shrink into the floor a little. “And I’d appreciate it if the pub I go to isn’t infested with little gay boys like you and your “friend” over there.” He states, towering over Dan.
This man is much larger than him, and a hell of a lot more built. He’s about two times Dan’s height to his surprise, and it appears as if he has a career in boxing or anything along the lines of violence. But, Dan didn’t care at the moment. He wasn’t going to just let some asshole say that shit about Phil, about his Phil.
“Well, that’s not going to happen. You know, there is nothing wrong with the who we prefer, or any of that shit. Our world isn’t corrupted because of people like me, it’s corrupted by a bunch of assholes and dicks like you who don’t know how to stay the fuck out of people's business!” Dan yells, stepping closer, his eyes quickly shooting daggers.
Both PJ and Louise are stationed on either side of Dan, about to hold him back. “Dan, just calm down. This man isn’t worth your time.” Louise states, holding his arm lightly.
“You better listen to her, you dumb prat. Wouldn’t want your gay ass to die tonight, would you?” He threatens, giving Dan an evil grin.
“Whatever it takes to prove that pricks like you need to know your place.” He mutters. “Guys like you shouldn’t even exist in this world, so you can just fuck off!” He yells in the man's face.
In response, he decides it’s time to get physical. “Don’t get so close to me, faggot!” He yells, pushing Dan hard and causing him to hit the ground roughly.
Before anyone could stop him, Dan is back on his feet as if nothing happened and punches the guy square in the face. The two are now spiraling into a full out bar fight and the entire bar has now brought their attention to them. Dan is suddenly punched in the nose and before he could hit the ground, he feels arms catch him as if there was some kind of trust fall exercise happening. When he gets up, he sees it’s Phil who is forcing Dan’s arm over his shoulders for support. There are tears falling down Phil’s eyes that Dan desperately wishes he could stop.
“W-we’ve gotta go. I’ll — I’m going to text you both later.” Phil announces to PJ and Louise with fast and jumbled words. There was only pure fear and concern that could be distinctly heard as he talked. Phil is then quickly guiding a Dan with a bloody nose out of the bar and into a cab.
Dan would’ve convinced Phil to calm down. That he was okay, and that everything was going to be alright. He wanted to apologize right then and there on the spot. But, at the moment the realization hit him like a brick wall. All of a sudden it’s like the past twenty minutes has caught up to him and the the pain is no longer being numbed by the (probably unhealthy) amount of alcohol running through his body. He is now aching in pain in so many ways and places, it’s hard to even think. Dan messed up this time, and at the moment he couldn’t even calm Phil down for something he caused.
****
When they get home, Dan knows Phil is more than pissed and he refuses to stop apologizing about everything that just happened.
“Look, Phil. I really am sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen it’s just-” His voice is desperate now, and the only pain Dan could really feel anymore was his nose bleed and Phil’s complete and utter disappointment.
Phil’s sighs in anger. He was tired of hearing Dan’s apologies right now, whether it was sincere or not. “It’s just what, Dan!?” Phil almost yells.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them and speaking again. “Look, I know what that guy said was wrong and completely unnecessary, but that doesn’t mean you start a bar fight with him. Now, can you just please be quiet for a few minutes? Just let me take care of you, alright?” His tone was softer and more calm, although annoyance was still being threaded into his voice.
Dan only nods in response, frowning in defeat. He wanted to keep apologizing. Dan wanted to explain himself and why he did it. Instead, he keeps quiet as asked, and let’s Phil work on slowing down the massive nosebleed Dan had right now.
“Phil,” Dan mutters innocently after a few minutes.
Phil let’s out an audibly annoyed sigh, continuing to clean any blood he saw on Dan off of him without replying.
Dan continues anyways, “I really am sorry. I know I shouldn’t have caused that much of a scene and it really was completely unnecessary-”
“He could have broken your nose Dan.” Phil interrupts sternly, shooting Dan a serious expression. “He could have done so much more than give you a nosebleed. Why the hell would you just do something like that?!” He explains, confusion joining the anger in his eyes.
Dan’s heart falters at Phil’s concern. “I know, Phil, I know. It’s just… I couldn’t just sit there and let someone insult us like that.” He pauses, deciding to look up at Phil, becoming latched onto his eyes. “I couldn’t just let someone insult you like that. I was just so happy to be there, on your lap, laughing and just feeling so safe for the first time since I’ve been out of the hospital, and just hear the shit that man said, I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing.” He speaks quietly, and his expression is hard to read, but he’s just scared. Scared to find out how Phil is going to take what’s about to be confessed to him.
There’s about five minutes of silence. Phil hasn’t replied and is only looking over Dan with an expression that is so many contradicting things Dan doesn’t know whether to do what he wants to or not. At this point, despite Phil’s sober behavior, he’s still pretty buzzed and Dan, well, he had so much to drink back at the pub he’s most likely still drunk. That’s exactly why Dan decided he was completely tired of tiptoeing around everything. It was time Phil actually knew what the fuck was going through his head for three months, he was going to find out eventually.
“Phil, I’ve been hiding… a lot from you.” He sighs and looks down at his hands. He continues, not looking to see if he had Phil’s attention. “I’ve just been really stressed since I’ve woken up from the coma. Everything is still hard, and it never seems to become easier. It’s like there’s no end to all this stress, because I know whether it seems like I’ve gotten used to how my life was before any of this happened, it still never will be okay in my own mind. I know that no matter what, I’m never gonna stop thinking about how everything was before all this, and how everything just seemed so much easier, so much—”
Dan breaks off, his teary gaze focused on the space behind Phil as if he could catch a glimpse of anything that was familiar to him anymore, “less terrifying…” He trails off with such a quiet voice he’s not even sure if Phil could hear him.
He didn’t realize the statement was completely true until he said it out loud. Dan was utterly terrified in this world. The only time he truly felt safe — He turns his gaze back over to Phil — was when he was with the sun.
Dan let’s out a single laugh and a small smile, his tears of sorrow turning to happy ones as he starts again. “But, at the same time I know that isn’t completely true. I wake up terrified, and then all of a sudden I… I see you, and that’s it. My smile just all of a sudden becomes genuine, and everything just feels like it’s so much easier. Like, I might actually have found my place with someone in a world that I know almost nothing about anymore.” The last sentence comes out soft and quiet, and Dan continues, finally trying to fight the tears that have been coming down his cheeks. “I care about you so much, Phil. Since day one, you’ve been here for me, and even when I start to question you, you’re still there in the end. You make me so fucking happy. Because of you, I have a reason that all of this is worth it.”
Dan looks up, a large, hopeful smile on his face when he locks eyes with Phil. “Everytime I look at you, or just even think about your smile, or- or your eyes. Holy fuck, your beautiful eyes,” He starts talking fast, his smile growing even more. “I’m sorry this is all just coming out. It’s the truth, seriously. I’m just tired of hiding all of this shit and being terrified of trying to put a label on us. I fucking love you Phil, and I just want to be able to tell you that every second of the day. I’m so tired of being scared to tell you truth… I want to be in your arms and know that you feel the same way about me as I do about you.”
There’s a pause before anyone does anything. A pit starts to form in Dan’s stomach at the silence, afraid that this quiet atmosphere was a sign of rejection.
After what seemed like a lifetime of silence, Phil’s gaze of surprise and awe breaks into a giant smile, his eyes quickly softening. Without any warning, Phil is quickly leaning over him and pressing his lips hard against Dan’s. In response, Dan closes his eyes and places his hands on Phil’s hips as the older one was in the process of almost straddling him.
It’s clear to Dan that this kiss was more lustful than anything else, But he’s convinced that this is better than Phil just completely rejecting the idea of Dan truly wanting to be with him. He’s also really hoping this isn’t just because they both aren’t completely sober yet.
The kiss is broken as the two let go for air. Instead of continuing the kiss like Dan expected, Phil scoots himself up and positions himself comfortably on Dan’s hips. He then starts trailing soft kisses down Dan’s neck, every so often staying on a certain place for a moment and choosing to leave the area after sucking on it slightly, but not enough to leave a hickey. As Phil continues to move down, he stops at Dan’s collar bone and starts kissing the area with chaste and careful kisses, as if he were prepping it for something that Dan was unaware of. He then stops his lips and begins sucking hard, causing Dan to both squirm and hold back a pleasured sigh. After nipping at the area and continuing his rough kiss, Phil raises his head from Dan’s neck, grinning down at the area he just came from.
Phil then looks up, staring over at Dan with a large smile on his face. “You’re okay with this? All of this I mean… It’s not all too much for you, is it?” He asks, his voice soft and caring.
Dan let’s out a small chuckle. “Phil, I’ve been wanting to do shit like this since we’ve started kissing. I’m okay with anything at this point, so long as I know that you want this too.” His eyes are large, and shining with so many emotions he’s not even sure he could identify them all.
Phil’s quiet, almost bathing in this moment that only minutes ago wasn’t even in his mind. He then nods his head and presses his forehead against Dan’s, a sweet and reassuring smile on his face. “I promise Dan, I want this more than anything.” He answers simply, finishing his statement with a soft and drawn out kiss.
Dan’s heart skips as the words are said and his lips are pressed against Phil’s.
Little did they both know, decisions made just a few minutes after might just be the worst one’s they’ve ever made.
Or, who knows, maybe it was the best mistake Dan’s ever made.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia, and making out/mentions of sex
It’s a week after Phil apologized about everything. As of now, it’s safe to say they were both acting closer than they were even before the incident. It was like the aftermath of things made everything both more complicated and better. In all honesty, Dan was just confused as fuck. No one could blame him though, he understood that even if they’ve been a lot closer, it didn’t explain or answer anything to him. But, when the person you are sure you love has made late night cuddles feel more intimate, and when hands become laced together any moment your are near each other, you kind of forget anything is wrong. At that moment you just feel so happy, just so… loved.
Dan can’t say he doesn’t love the physical contact. He really does. And the fact that Phil has been the one initiating these actions most times just makes everything feel like it was okay and solved. But, it wasn’t really, even if Phil or even Dan figured it was. Nothing was solved by the two becoming more intimate. In fact, it only created more questions.
Did this mean they were dating?
Dan honestly didn’t know, but he was too afraid to loose the warm feeling of Phil beside him to find out.
He jumps as his bedroom door is suddenly swung open. Darting his head away from his desktop where he was currently editing a video that should have been posted yesterday, Dan is greeted by Phil who is now standing in the middle of his room, wearing a red checkered button up shirt and black jeans. He has a large grin on his face and Dan determines he’s probably got something up his sleeves.
“Hey, hurry up and get ready. We’ve got about twenty minutes to get to the metro before we miss our train!” He states hastily, rushing Dan out of his seat.
Dan stands up as Phil his pulling him up and rummaging through Dan’s closet. He picks out a shirt that Dan can’t help but compare it slightly to a table cloth. Phil throws the shirt beside Dan along with a pair of skinny jeans. He only watches Phil in confusion.
What in the honest fuck was he going on about this time?
“C’mon Dan, get dressed. We’ve gotta be out this house by at least seven-thirty.” His voice comes out more demanding this time, and Dan’s sure if he doesn’t listen Phil might just rip his head off.
Why did he look so nervous?
Dan stands up and picks up the shirt Phil threw on his bed. He chooses to comply before even protesting. “Alright, I’ll get dressed. I’ll be out in a minute, okay?”
Phil let’s out a sigh to himself and he visibly calms down as he hears Dan’s reply. “Alright, I’ll get the keys and everything, then meet you back at your bedroom door.”
“Okay.” He answers simply as Phil is rushing out the room, closing the door behind him.
Dan let’s out a loud sigh, pausing for a moment to try and grip a small bit of what was happening. He looks back at his desktop. So much for getting that uploaded today. To Dan’s knowledge, they had nothing at all planned today. That’s why he chose to put time aside to finish editing, but it seems Phil had gotten a different schedule of their day. Phil has been a lot more spontaneous lately, whether it be with random acts of kindness, or being for attention. Dan should’ve expected Phil would eventually plan something without his knowledge.
He gets slipped into his skinny jeans as quickly as possible, and then exchanges the shirt Phil picked out for a Yeezy long sleeve shirt he found in his closet. After looking in the mirror to quickly fix his half straightened hair, Dan opens his bedroom door to meet with a Phil lightly bouncing up and down waiting for Dan all while picking at the hem of his shirt as a way to try and distract him from all the anxiety he was having at the moment.
Phil’s his eyes light up at the sight of Dan, all these nervous twitches stopping completely. “Great, you’re ready. C’mon, we’re gonna be late!” He exclaims, quickly wrapping his hand around Dan’s and rushing down the stairs, thankfully without causing either of them to trip.
As they get into the nearest metro station, Dan chooses now would definitely be a great time to start asking questions. “Alright, so now that we are on are way to what could be my death, can you tell me where the fuck you’re taking me?” He asks, looking over at Phil with a confused and almost annoyed expression.
Phil shoots Dan an excited grin, all the worry and stress completely wiped from his face. “You’ll find out.” He starts, walking onto the train as it came to a stop. He quickly let’s go of Dan’s hand, completely forgetting that they were in public at the moment. “Just, prepare to be amazed.” He finishes, grabbing onto a pole.
The two allow the rest of the ride to be kept in silence.
That didn’t answer anything. Dan wanted to know what the hell Phil was getting him into.
****
It’s been about five minutes since they’ve gotten off the train, and Dan can’t stop himself from being completely overwhelmed. The entire time they walked, Phil had a giant smile pasted onto his face and Dan didn’t know if he wanted to just bathe in the fact that he seemed so excited, or worry that this smile was because of something completely unknown to him.
As they step out of the underground, Phil guides Dan in the direction they need to be walking by wrapping an arm around his waist. “You’re okay, Dan. There’s no need to be as worried as you are now. You’ve got me by your side, you really think I’m gonna just take you to some dangerous place?” He whispers into Dan’s ear before pulling away both his face and his arm in case any fan was out and ended up seeing them.His voice was soft and assuring, and Dan figured Phil was right.
He wouldn’t even let another person hurt him, so why would he purposefully lead Dan into danger?
His thoughts and worries are quickly muted as they approach a pier. Dan feels his head clear slightly, knowing at least something about what was happening.
“Prepare to be amazed.”
Did Phil mean amazed by the sight of London on the water? Dan hoped so, because that meant he could finally just relax and enjoy his time with Phil.
****
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Phil asks with a happy sigh, resting his chin on his hand as he rests his arm against the boat.
They had gotten on the boat, and to Dan’s disappointment this wasn’t it. This was only a hop-on hop-off sightseeing cruise, meaning they were on there way to somewhere else in London. But, at the moment being worried about the unknown was the last thing on Dan’s mind, as the two were settled into a secluded area on the boat where they can just enjoy the view in peace, not having to worry if there were any fans here as they were in the middle of the Thames River. Phil had his other arm wrapped tightly around Dan’s waist, causing him to be completely pressed up against Phil. But, Dan wasn’t complaining, as he had his head tucked into the nook of Phil’s neck, his eyes open lazily and focusing on the view ahead of him.
“What, you? Look, we all know that’s true Phil, but there’s no need to be cocky here-”
Phil laughs, rolling his eyes playfully and shoving him. “Shut up! I mean the view you dork.”
Dan looks out at the river with Phil. The sun was just beginning to set, meaning the sky was a light blue, fading into a deeper orange over the horizon of the water. The scattered clouds that were not too long ago a ghost white, were now white mixed with a deep orange and a welcomed dark grey. “Yeah, it is really nice.” He replies simply, staring out at the sky with calm eyes.
He wished everyday could be like this, and he didn’t mean the cruise, or going out on any special occasion. Dan wanted to be able to feel safe in Phil’s arms like he did now. He didn’t have to worry that some kind of switch would just randomly turn on in Phil’s mind, causing him to run off just as he did the last time. He wished that he could say things and flirt with him as freely as he just did, without having to worry that his words might have gone too far. Dan wanted a normal relationship. One like how they were acting now. He’s said this a million times, but he’s so tired of waking up and not knowing how far he could go with Phil that day. Dan wanted to try and tell Phil he loved him. But, he can’t. And for all Dan knew, he never could.
“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asks, his eyes going soft as he noticed Dan’s worried look on his face.
Dan quickly snaps out of it and shoots Phil a shy and apologetic smile. “Um, yeah. I’m fine, sorry. Just… thinking.” He answers simply, staring out into the water blankly.
“What are you thinking about?” Phil asks, his voice full more of concern than demand.
He can tell Phil was just worrying about him as he started rubbing his thumb up and down Dan’s side where his arm continued to rest. “A lot of things. But, I mainly would like to know where we’re going.” Dan lies, tucking his head deeper into Phil’s neck and closing his eyes.
“We’re just going over to Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum.” Phil states. Dan then opens his eyes for a moment to be greeted by a warm smile.
He smiles back at him. “Alright, but, why are you doing all of this?”
Phil shrugs. “I just wanted to go out and spend some time with you.” He shoots Dan a playful smirk. “What, would it be better if I left? Cause, I can totally just jump off the boat if you like.” Phil fake offers, grabbing the edge of the boat and acting as if he were about to jump off.
“No,” Dan laughs, grabbing Phil so warmth can engulf him yet again. “You can jump off boats another day. Right now, I think going to see some weird shit with you sounds great.”
****
They were now off the boat, and walking through the first few floors of the museum. So far, they saw a few interesting things, but it seemed like Dan was in the mood to act like nothing could entertain him at the moment.
“Come on Dan, you’ve gotta think something is weird or cool in this place!” Phil exclaims enthusiastically, his soft side seeming to be abandoned on the boat as soon as they got off.
Dan crosses his arms, a small grin on his face. “So far, the weirdest thing I’ve seen in this place is you.” He jokes, poking Phil in the chest.
“Hey, hey, hey, no touching the objects apart of the exhibits.” Phil laughs, giving Dan a hard nudge.
“Yeah? And what about the object apart of the exhibit touching the visitors? Surely if I told an employee the freakishly tall man child on floor two is pushing me around, they would not be pleased.”
“Dan. I am going to frickin punch you.” He laughs.
Dan walks away, Phil following quickly. “Go ahead, I’ll get an employee in advance to kick you out. Then, poof! There goes your career, standing around here on the second floor, bothering the brown haired emo boys who just wanted to keep to themselves.”
“Whatever.” He replies simply, rolling his eyes. He turns his attention to something else that was actually apart of the exhibit. “Hey, look, it’s Robert Wadlow!” Phil announces, running off to a wax figure of the tallest man who ever lived.
Dan rolls his eyes at Phil’s fast behavior. He was like a small child being introduced to the coolest thing in the universe. “Yeah, looks like he might beat us in height.”
“Yeah, by about two whole feet! Look, I can’t even jump that high!” Phil says, beginning to jump up and down beside the figure.
Dan’s face goes pale as a few family turn their heads in Phil’s direction. He is then quickly rushing over to Phil and grabbing his shoulders in an attempt to stop him. “Phil, you look like a damn maniac.” He mutters, pulling him away from the tall wax figure and walking somewhere else.
“Hey, just because you are being mister grumpy face doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.” Phil claims, with a defiant grin.
Before he speaks again, he forces Dan’s grip on his arm to instead entwine with his hand. Phil smiles over at Dan to let him know this was okay and then turns his attention to a sign. “Look, apparently you can find Jo Jo the dog face man upstairs. C’mon, let’s go see your future pet since you’re always claiming you want a dog so much!”
After about two or three more hours, the two have explored almost the entirety of the museum. Everything was pretty exciting and interesting, but Dan’s mind was kind of other places half the time. It seemed as if the farther they got into the museum, the more Phil would try and be closer to him. It didn’t seem like he even cared if a fan caught them, and Dan couldn’t help but feel like this was more of an unannounced date Phil had taken him on than some kind of hangout session.
He wasn’t exactly complaining, but there was no way this could be a date. From what Dan has learned, Phil didn’t want a label on this, he just wanted to do what felt right without having to jump to conclusions about things. Surely the Phil who just a week ago couldn’t handle the thought of being with Dan romantically wouldn’t just take him out on some date that only he got the memo for.
Dan didn’t know anymore. All he knew was right now he was happy with Phil having his arm wrapped tightly around his waist, or his hand laced with the others. He was just so tired of trying to figure things out and find the answer. He’d been trying to do that since July 8th, the day he woke up in the hospital with no memory of the past years with this boy who Dan guessed you could call a friend with benefit. Except, you couldn’t really because, well, Dan hadn’t even kissed Phil, so being an actual friend with benefit was completely out of question.
“Hey, check out this lizard man.” Phil states, directing Dan out of his cloud of thoughts and into Phil’s arm.
“Yeah, pretty freaky to be honest.” He answers simply, scanning the man with tattoos and altered body parts to resemble some kind of amphibian.
“You think?” He asks, a quizzical expression on his face. “I think it’s pretty cool. I might even take up the look myself.”
Dan crosses his arms and spits out at single laugh, his eyebrows raising in question. “Really?” He asks, his tone pouring with sarcasm.
“Yeah, seriously!” Phil gets next to the figure and makes the same fierce pose, causing Dan to laugh even more. “I could totally pull it off. See; ROAR!!!” He exclaims.
Dan shakes his head, unable to stop his small chuckles from coming out. He lifts his hand up to his forehead. “Oh my god, Phil.” He mutters then crosses his arms again, looking over at Phil with eyes full of both affection and humor. “First of all, there is no way you can pull of such a scary appearance like that. You couldn’t even scare an innocent city pigeon if you tried. Second, no amphibian goes roar you absolute spoon. Let’s just go before you end up asking an employee where the nearest tattoo parlor is.”
As Dan begins to walk away, he feels Phil pull his arm in a different direction. “Wait, Dan look, it’s a mirror maze! Let’s go in, it’ll be fun.” He suggests, the past conversation being completely abandoned from his mind.
“But, Phil, we’ll get lost in there, and-” He starts, but Phil doesn’t listen and only drags him inside instead.
“It’ll be fine Dan, we can’t be lost in here forever.” He states before stepping inside.
They were faced with mirrors on either side of them when they got in. It was like a fun house at any local fair and it was also pretty dark, the only thing lighting the room being blue neon lights aligning the mirror walls. Dan wanted to be mad at Phil for dragging him into this(literally), but he knew Phil just wanted him to have as much fun as possible. He took Dan somewhere that would spark his curious and playful side, something that was rare to find from him. But, that didn’t really help the fact Dan wasn’t a huge fan of mazes, let alone mirrored ones.
For the first few panels, not much happened. They were getting through it fairly okay, and Phil was having his own fun seeing that having to share a panel definitely required them to be as close as humanly possible. It’s not until Dan is feeling around and finds the correct way that he notices a problem.
“Hey, Phil, I found the way. It’s over here!” Dan calls and turns around to see no one was even close to him.
He retraces his steps to the point he was still with Phil to find nothing. He feels his heart rate quickly starting to rise. “Phil!” Dan calls. “Phiiill, can you hear me?!”
“Daaann!” He hears Phil call in almost a mock sing-song voice. Dan quickly turns his head to realize every mirror is engulfed with Phil wearing a devious smile. “Hi.” He says simply with a small wave.
“Phil! You almost gave me a heart attack! Get your ass back over here!” Dan exclaims, not sure where to stare.
There’s a quick moment of silence, and Dan knows what he’s gonna have to do now. “Sorry Danny, but you’re gonna have to find me first.” Phil says, then quickly takes off.
Dan starts to run in the direction he had been looking and is introduced to a mirror in the face. “Fuck!” He exclaims, holding his head.
He notices the reflection of Phil running in one of the mirrors and quickly follows it, ignoring the mild pain in his head. “Phil, you are so dead when I find you!”
After about fifteen minutes of Dan continuing to see Phil in the reflections and running into about a million mirrors, he stops as he discovers Phil had come to a stop. He’s not sure which mirror is the actual one to his embarrassment, but he stands in front of one — Or in front of Phil — staring into the eyes with so many mingled emotions of both anger and excitement.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” He hears Phil mutter, eyes from either the real Phil or not becoming soft.
“What is?” He asks,his voice coming out hushed as he felt his breath hitch at Phil’s tone of complete admiration. He knew the Phil in front of him was the real one now. But, Dan wasn’t ready to do anything yet, he wanted to see where Phil was going with this.
“You.” The word comes off the tongue so easily, and it seems as if it echos throughout the entire maze, and both Dan and Phil are frozen in their places.
“Is this the real Phil?” Dan whispers, unsure how to respond to Phil’s kind words that were spoken in such intimacy that was usually forbidden between the two. He’d never said anything even close to that the entire time they’d been doing… whatever kind of relationship this was.
“I don’t know,” Phil chuckles, not breaking eye contact with Dan. His eyes were shining and laced with adoration, the lighting making Phil’s eyes all the more beautiful to Dan. Phil’s hand is then coming up to Dan’s face. “Would the real Phil do this-”
Both of Phil’s hands are then cupping each side of Dan’s face as he leans in and kisses Dan. Dan’s eyes widen for about a second until he’s decided that this felt way too right to stay shocked for so long. His hands are then laid lightly on Phil’s hips. The kiss is chaste, and softer than Dan could imagine. He wants to melt, and he wouldn’t be surprised if this was a dream. Phil’s lips were laid softly against Dan’s, and soon he kissed back, making the kiss deeper.
Dan wanted this forever. He loved this feeling of having Phil’s lips pressed against his, he loved the thought that Phil wanted this because he initiated it. He loved that Phil took into consideration that he wanted to hang out with Dan and be close with him whether people were around or not. Dan loved everything about this day; he loved everything about this kiss.
But, what Dan didn’t like was that he knew he would have to pull away soon. He knew that this day would end, that this kiss would be over. Dan knew that no matter what, he had to deal with the aftermath of this kiss; and he was completely terrified of what that might be.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia, and making out/mentions of sex
Dan groans as he keeps hearing a loud knocking at the door. His eye were burning from the river of tears he had created all last night. He didn’t know what to do anymore, whether he should really make a big deal of Phil just leaving Dan when seeing him in such a hurt condition or not. But, he didn’t really have time to think of that now, because this damn knocking made Dan’s head pulse.
He doesn’t reply, stuffing his head deeper into his pillow in hopes to mute the obnoxious noise.
A few minutes after doing this, the knocking stops, but Dan senses something was there. He peaks out of the pillow to notice Phil stood in the middle of his room, carefully scanning over Dan and hiding back a pitiful frown. Dan acts as if he doesn’t see it behind Phil’s attempt at a hopeful gaze. He didn’t want Phil’s pity; he wanted the man’s trust.
“Hey, Dan, I’m sorry to wake you-”
Dan just burrows back into his pillow. “What do you want, Phil?” He mutters through the fabric.
Dan can’t see, but Phil’s small smile falters slightly at this reaction. But, this cold response clearly wasn’t enough to get him off of Dan’s chest. “Well… I uh- made breakfast. For the both of us this time.” He replies, and Dan feels weight at the end of the bed.
He uncovers his face, leaving his pillow beside him. Dan looks over at Phil, his expression slightly unreadable. What was Phil playing at? First, he ignores him completely for an entire week, now he’s making breakfast and attempting to socialize with him. Dan didn’t know if he should be angry or relieved that Phil is finally trying to talking to him again.
But, Dan has completely exhausted the ability to be angry. He’s over all just tired of feeling any kind of negative emotion that would manage to overcome him throughout the day. So, he decides to just go with it. “Alright,” He starts, sitting up in bed and stretching. “I’ll um, meet you in the lounge then.”
Phil’s eyes quickly light up and he stands up from the end of Dan’s bed. “Great!” He then heads to the door, waving behind him and glancing back before leaving Dan’s room. “I’ll meet you in there.”
Dan sighs, he couldn’t be anymore confused right now. Phil literally hated him just a few hours ago and this entire week, so what was this sudden change all about?
There’s a part of Dan that’s praying this means Phil will give him another chance. That he’ll let Dan live his life without having to just sit in his room all day with no human interaction with anyone. But, he’s just not sure how he should respond if this is what’s happening. Phil had ignored Dan for an entire week, he practically- No, he did abandon him at his most fragile point in his life that he could remember. Dan wasn’t sure he could forgive Phil for this. Correction, Dan wasn’t sure he should forgive Phil for this.
In reality, Dan knew if this was an apology, he wouldn’t hesitate to forgive him because he would absolutely die to finally have someone to talk to again everyday. He needed social interaction, and without any of that interaction being with Phil, things were different. He just didn’t feel right when he tried to talk to other people but couldn’t even mutter a word to Phil, his best friend.
Best friend. Dan scoffs, just thinking about those two words and just how much he wished they could somehow disappear and be replaced with a different one. You know damn well you are just hoping you go out there and Phil starts confessing his love to you. That he tells you he’s so sorry about this week, that he made a mistake and he’s wanted to be with you so much more than a best friend for years.
He tries to find an opposing thought to push this one away, but seemingly fails as he realizes that it’s exactly right. The only reason Dan is even slightly trying to interact with him anymore is because he just wants to hear Phil say he loves him.
Dan quickly slips on a black t-shirt that was hanging on his chair and rushes out of his room, trying to make the angry glare on his eyes disappear. He’s so tired of his mind telling him things he doesn’t want to hear. Sometimes he just doesn’t want to face the truth. He enters the lounge to be greeted by a full plate of breakfast. In fact, it was the exact breakfast they had when he first came home from the hospital; a crap ton of pancakes with bacon and eggs to go with it.
Once Dan takes a seat where a plate is, Phil comes into the room and places a mug of coffee beside both of the plates. He takes note that one of these mugs are pixel him and Phil and the other one is of cat whiskers, the two mugs he’s sure they also used that day. He figures this could all just be coincidence, but with Phil he’s never sure about anything really. “Here you go.” Phil says, then sits down at his place. “Well, go on and try it. I don’t think I burnt the bacon like I did last time.” Phil states with a small amused grin at the memory.
Dan picks up a piece of bacon and takes a bite out of it. Phil’s right, he hasn’t completely ruined it this time, but right now that shouldn’t be the point. He wanted to know what Phil’s aim was for doing this, and he couldn’t just wait around. Dan wasn’t going to do anything without an apology. He’s tired of just acting as if things never happened all the time.
“It’s good. But, Phil, what are you getting at here? Like, you’ve completely ignored me for a week and now you are all of a sudden making me a complete breakfast. What’s going on?”
Phil’s shoulders fall slightly almost in unison with his grin. He clearly was hoping he wouldn’t have to do this. Which, Dan didn’t know if this made him slightly mad or not. He sighs before he answers, his expression now serious. “It’s my way of apologizing… sort of.” Phil is now clearly nervous, obviously trying hard to hide his worry.
Phil really wanted Dan to accept his apology. “I mean, I understand that a large home made breakfast isn’t just going to make up for a week of my absence, but- Look, I just want to tell you I am really sorry Dan, for everything, not just that huge fight. I’m aware I’ve been hiding things from you, and I’m sorry that I am. I want to tell you what it is, and I definitely will just- It’s going to be in the near future… It just can’t be now, and I am genuinely sorry about that.” His eyes are covered in a coat of pain, and Dan doesn’t know what to think.
“As for the fight and how I acted…” He continues, not wanting a reply quite yet. “I know I am the biggest ass hole for doing and saying what I did. I didn’t know exactly how you felt, but I knew you were probably hurting. I should’ve been helping you out more and talking to you about everything. I shouldn’t have been so hostile and I especially shouldn’t have just walked out. Not to mention how terribly immature I’ve been, ignoring you for about a week. But, I’m hoping that we can stop ignoring each other and that we can go on with how things used to be before all this. Because, if I’m being honest, I miss being able to talk to you. I’ve just really missed you in general, Dan.” He explains, a hopeful smile coming across his face as he looks over at Dan.
Dan doesn’t reply immediately, he’s too busy completely over thinking Phil’s last few words. Phil has missed talking to him this week, he’s missed interacting with him just as Dan missed interacting and talking to Phil too. But, more importantly, Phil just told Dan that he had missed him just in general. Of course, since Dan’s feelings for him haven’t even faltered slightly, he’s taken this as hope. He’s now hopeful that this means more than it really does. Dan wants to believe this is Phil’s way of telling him that he wants to be with Dan just as much, he just doesn’t completely realize how far these feelings go yet.
So, because of these completely ludicrous thoughts, Dan answers without even considering the fact that Phil hasn’t solved anything from that night whether he likes it or not. “Thank you for everything, Phil. I appreciate that you’ve apologized, even if it is a bit delayed.” He let’s out an awkward laugh before continuing. “I’m glad you’ve told me all this. I’ve uh, missed talking to you too. So, to put it simply, I accept your apology.” He smiles.
After this, the two go on with their breakfast. It’s a bit silent at first, but Phil makes sure to not let silence fill the atmosphere for long. Soon, the two are talking as if this entire week never happened. It’s as if talking to Phil just makes everything seem better for Dan, even if he was the one who caused all of this in the first place.
It came to Dan’s attention that Phil was just like some kind of drug to him. Whenever he was around Phil, all of his problems seemed to disappear, and all he could feel was this sense of happiness. There were many things that Phil had in common to a drug in Dan’s view really. For one, Phil just overall made everything seem better. With him, it would make any activity about five times more fun. On the other hand, Phil wasn’t illegal. Phil also didn’t cost a shit ton of money, he wouldn’t get Dan arrested(hopefully), and Phil is never seen as the bad guy to anyone in this entire planet. He was also a human, not some goddamn substance.
Dan continues on this thought and comparing Phil to a drug in the back of his mind as they both continue to talk. When they’re settling down in the lounge and Dan feels Phil’s fingers try and entwine with his, he soon settles on the fact that Phil is most like a drug for two major reasons; He might hurt Dan sometimes, but he’s addictive. No matter what, Dan can never get enough of Phil. The second reason… Dan loved Phil, even more than any junkie can love their drugs.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia, and making out/mentions of sex
Phil groans, silencing the alarm that was going off on his phone.
It was currently eight-thirty in the morning and he couldn’t feel any more exhausted than he was now. It wasn’t because of the lack of sleep that he has definitely been having as well, but it was more of the exhausting thoughts that always came with waking up from a restless slumber. The last time Phil had a proper nights sleep was… well, exactly a week ago, August 29th. That was before all this damn silence treatment and avoid the other at all costs game started with Dan. Before everything just came crashing down because of… Well, because of that one question Dan asked that he had every right to know the answer to.
Phil couldn’t blame him for that night. It wasn’t his fault that he had so many questions bubbled up inside of him that he was completely desperate for answers. But, for some reason, Phil couldn’t seem to muster up the courage to just apologize to him. There was a part of him that felt like no matter what, none of this could be solved by a single apology, and silence for a few might just be the best answer to this situation. He didn’t know what his mind was on about anymore. These days, he couldn’t even identify his thoughts due to how confusing they were. That’s why he knew he needed someone else’s input on everything, because as of now, Phil’s mind was complete mush and officially unable to make it’s own decisions without fucking things up.
He gets up out of bed and quickly gets dressed into a plain blue t-shirt and some jeans. He was suppose to be meeting PJ at a local café a few blocks down from his place at nine. After brushing his hair and slipping in his contact lenses, Phil is ready to quickly head out in hopes to not be caught by Dan. As he walks down the stairs of the flat he feels his stomach drop slightly as it always does since he’s been leaving the place all week. It just felt wrong to Phil that he was leaving Dan in the state he was probably in. Phil knew Dan wasn’t okay, the fact that he is most likely locked in his room all day and almost never comes out to even eat proves his point. In fact, he knew Dan hurt probably a hell of a lot more than Phil did, and just leaving him in that state every morning without even trying to do anything made Phil realize just how much of a coward he really could be when things got this hard.
“Phil!” PJ smiles, bringing Phil into a large hug as he approaches him.
Phil returns the hug, giving PJ an exhausted smile. “Hey, PJ. It’s great to see you again.” He says as the two sit down at a table.
“Yeah, same to you. It’s been like, what, a month or something?”
“That sounds about right. So, anyways, how’ve you been? Anything exciting happen lately?” Phil asks, trying to start a conversation before having to express any issues he originally planned to discuss.
He’s starting to doubt the reason he invited PJ here. Phil shouldn’t just throw all of his problems on PJ like this, he didn’t deserve that.
“Not much. I’ve pretty much just been staying home and working on stuff. I’ve um, started working on a new script for small little project but, I’d prefer not to tell you exactly what it’s all about. I think when it comes out you’ll like it though.” PJ explains, shooting Phil a cheeky grin.
He smiles back, trying not to show the fact that he had thoughts now screaming in the back of his mind about him and Dan.
He knew it wasn’t as serious, but is this what Dan went through everyday?
“Really? That’s pretty awesome. I look forward to seeing it when it’s out.” He replies simply, playing around with a straw wrapper that was left on this table.
“Phil, what’s wrong?” Phil shoots his head up at the sudden serious tone that PJ used. “We’ve just met up and I can already tell you aren’t your usual happy and excited self.”
Phil frowns, looking at the table and replying with a shrug. “It’s nothing really, PJ. I’m sorry I don’t seem like myself. I really am excited for your new project.” His voice comes out soft, and there is guilt laced all through it as he speaks.
PJ shakes his head for a reason Phil isn’t quite sure of. “No, Phil you’re fine, really. I’m glad that you’re excited for my project, but there is clearly something bothering you right now. Do you wanna talk about it?”
Phil looks up to be greeted by a pair of caring green eyes, and all of a sudden he realizes that he needed to get his feelings out at some point, and here PJ was, giving him permission to do so. “It’s me and Dan, PJ.” Phil sighs out in defeat. “We’ve been really really close lately, like cuddling and… stuff. I know that sounds weird, but it just happened. Anyways, we’ve been like that for almost a month or so and last week Dan told me that he… well, that he liked me more than a friend.” Phil stops, waiting for PJ’s reaction.
To his surprise, PJ appeared calm, only slightly surprised by Phil’s words. In fact, he almost looked as if he was expecting something that was actually more of a shock. “I see… And, uh, what did you say back?” He asks, seeming caught up in trying to analyze the situation.
“Well, I just… said no.”
“Just no? Phil, what does that even mean?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“I- I don’t know PJ! I didn’t even know what it meant at the time!” Phil exclaims, mad at himself for reacting to Dan in such a confusing way. It was no wonder Dan ended up going off on him. “After that, I got up and just tried to leave. He ran after me and grabbed my wrist, begging me to stay.” He’s looking down at the table, his eyes already close to drowning in tears that were about to fall.
“He looked so defeated, PJ. I almost gave up on my attempt to even be mad at him. I just wanted to comfort him and make sure he was okay. But, after I said that, I stayed for a bit and we ended up getting into a giant fight. It was more Dan going off completely on me more than anything. He told me everything, from how he was actually not alright with his amnesia, to our relationship… And then, he started getting angry. He started yelling about how I was constantly hiding things from him, and that I was being completely selfish-”
“Well, were you?” PJ interrupts. His hands were now entwined with one another and supporting his head.
“Excuse me?” He replied in shock, a hint of anger in his voice.
“Were you being selfish and hiding things? I’m not being rude Phil, I’m just asking a genuine question.”
Phil thinks for a moment. Was he being selfish this entire time?
“I… I don’t know. I mean, I did keep what happened in 2012 from him. But, that was solely just to protect him.”
“Are you sure it was though? Maybe you just didn’t tell him because it was something you weren’t proud of and so you didn’t want him to be able to have that knowledge.” PJ points out.
“PJ, what are you talking about? You seem to just be using this time to have an excuse to call me out or something.”
PJ dismisses Phil’s idea with a swipe of his hand. “No, no, that’s not it at all. Phil, I’m serious.” He crosses his arms and leans against the table, his face completely focused on the words he was saying. “Look, from what I’m getting at here, Dan likes you more than a friend, but at the same time he doesn’t exactly know what to think anymore because he’s lost this huge chunk of his memory and part of it you won’t even tell him. I don’t know if this is your problem or not, but it definitely sounds like one of them.” He explains, looking over at Phil for any conformation in his theory.
Phil sits there for a minute, thinking about PJ’s words and trying to think back on everything. “I guess you’re probably right. I mean, back in 2012 we were both equally horrible to each other in the end. I guess I didn’t want to hurt him or myself, but by doing that I was just hurting him even more.” He pauses, quickly realizing that this wasn’t the root of his issues. “But, that’s not the point. I mean, I’m happy to finally find that out, but I can’t really do anything about it if me and him have been ignoring each other for about a week over this giant fight.”
“Well, your other situation seems to be solved by a yes or no answer.” He pauses, looking Phil directly in the eyes and talking in complete sincerity. “Do you like Dan the way he likes you?”
Phil stares at PJ, dumbfounded. He was terrified he would ask him that, terrified to even think of that. “PJ, I care about Dan a lot. Like, a hell of a lot, and, I just want to see him happy at every waking moment even if I know that’s not possible. I just hate seeing him like this. I want to see him smile the way he used to and-”
“Phil.” PJ interjects. “You are avoiding the question. Do. You. Like him?” He tries to stop himself from holding back a huge grin because, holy hell all he can tell is that Phil is so blind right now.
“I don’t know, alright?!” Phil exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.
Suddenly, odd glances from strangers in the café are being thrown at Phil. His face goes red, shrinking down in his seat and quickly apologizing.
He then looks back at PJ, continuing his conversation in a tone not as loud as the last. “It’s just… I really do like the way we’ve been close lately, but what we agreed on back then is something I promised him no matter what happened.”
“But, Phil, you made that promise to him nearly four years ago. Hell, before all this happened Dan could’ve liked you more than a friend all along, he just didn’t want to hurt you. Honestly, I think what you need to do is stop telling all of this to me, and go tell him instead. I know it’ll be hard Phil, but he deserves to know how you feel and everything. At least apologize to the guy.”
Phil crosses his arms. He’s not too sure he should do that. Then again, he was the one who said his own mind couldn’t even make the right decisions now a days. Plus, PJ is usually right when it comes to these things. “Yeah, I should. I just, don’t want to hurt him more than he already is.” He looks over at PJ and gives him a bittersweet smile. “Thank you PJ, for knocking some sense into me. I really needed it.”
He leans across the table and slaps his hand on Phil’s shoulder, shooting him a reassuring smile. “Not a problem, mate. I’m here for you anytime.”
After that, the two just sit there for about an hour and a half going on about random things. They talk about both things going on in PJ’s life, all the way to how it’s kind of funny that kids draw cars in the middle of the road in pictures. PJ even eventually talked to Phil about his latest project, explaining to him in depth about everything after a bit of convincing. Eventually, the two decided they should both probably be going. So, they say their goodbyes and head out.
Phil sighs, shoving his hands into his pockets as he walked down the sidewalk and towards his flat. Now that he didn’t have another voice to distract him, he was left alone to worry about everything again. He decided that in the end, PJ was right. Well, over all right, really. Phil had to talk to Dan, whether it was just apologizing, or going in depth about exactly how he felt. He knew there was a possibility Dan would refuse to listen, but he was definitely willing to take those chances.
When Phil arrives home, he heads up the stairs and plans to just spend the rest of the day in the lounge to asses the situation and plan out exactly how he should carry out PJ’s advice. But, he might have droned out the talking that was going on with his own thoughts while walking up the steps. He looks up as he’s about to walk into the lounge to see both Louise and Dan, standing up and heading for the exit of the lounge, which he was now blocking. Phil’s heart shatters more than it already has as he notices Dan’s hurt gaze, eyes puffy and glazed over, his hair crazy and tear stains on his cheeks. He doesn’t exactly know how to respond to this, he wanted to say something so bad. Or, what he really wanted to do was just drop everything and bring Dan into a hug, apologizing for everything right then in there and assure him that everything was going to be alright. But, that’s not how his mind wanted things to go apparently. Even if this was so clearly his fault that his best friend was in such terrible conditions, Phil can only seem to stop in his tracks as if he were a deer caught in headlights.
“I-I’m sorry, I’ll just- I’ll be in my bedroom.” He states quickly, rushing himself into his bedroom. He then spends for as long as he can recall both crying and cursing himself out for what he just saw.
Because that was all of his fault.
Dan would never have been this hurt if Phil would’ve just talked to him like normally people are meant to do.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia, and making out/mentions of sex
It’s a week after the huge fight Dan had with Phil, September 5th. He’s pretty much remained in his bed for the entirety of it. Talking between the two is now scarce and when conversation did come up it would result in harsh tones over some small remark. There’s tension whenever conversations are forced. Both try hard to make sure to stop the talking before anything could get too heated.
From Dan’s knowledge, Phil goes out the house doing god knows what, Dan couldn’t give two shits honestly. Phil was a grown man, Dan shouldn’t worry about where he is all the time; But, of course, his mind wouldn’t let him think that. His mind wouldn’t allow him even a second of peace, meaning Dan was a complete wreck and didn’t know what to do anymore. He couldn’t get through the day without losing himself to tears.
To put it lightly, Dan was a complete mess.
Dan decides he’s sick and tired of being this exhausted and broken person. He wanted to do something about it. He would talk to Phil about it, but there were several issues with that; one, he’s already out to wherever he goes to now a days, and two, there’s no way Dan could have the courage to talk to Phil after what happened. That argument has stripped down any confidence Dan had.
He sits up in his bed, sighing loudly down at his phone where he had his and Louise’s texts open. He felt bad for always pestering her about his problems, but she was the one person that came to mind who he knew could help and who was the most aware of his situation.
Dan: Hey Louise, you free?
He types, laying his phone down beside him as he presses send. Before he can even relax and close his eyes, the phone vibrates quickly with a new text notification.
Louise: I believe I am. Would you like some company?
Dan: ...Maybe
Louise: Alright then. I’ll be over in 20
Dan: Okay, thank you.
After this, Dan takes a moment to gather the energy to get up. He’s curious as to what time it is since he didn’t care enough to pay attention to the top of his screen when texting Louise. He’s also been laying in bed for an amount of time that Dan has no concept of, so that doesn’t exactly help. Dan figures it’s probably late afternoon as he glances towards the window, being greeted by the golden rays of the sun that were just barely peeking out of his shades. Phil was still gone, and Louise also wouldn’t have texted back if it were a time that was unreasonable.
He is quickly lost in thought about time and realizing just how useless and meaningless it was in the first place. Dan get’s up and heads into the kitchen, deciding to make tea both to be a nice host to his guest and to try and prevent his mind from going into some existential spiral for the millionth time this week. He hopes this chat will do at least something for him, even if it won’t get Phil back, it would still be good to have some kind of social interaction and get his feelings that he’s been keeping in for a while out.
After about fifteen minutes or so, Dan hears a knock on the door. He rushes down the stairs after pouring cups of tea for the both of them prematurely.
As he opens the door, Dan is quickly introduced to a happy Louise who is immediately taking Dan into a warm embrace. “Hello, Dan!” She says in an excited tone, unaware of the somber reason she was called over here for.
Dan can’t help but let a small smile pull at his lips as he returns the hug. “Hey Lou,” He says, not being able to help the exhausted tone in his voice. “How’ve you been, how’s Darcy?”
“Oh, she’s been as cute as ever. She’s with her father right now though. That’s right, you haven’t seen Darcy since the accident, have you? I’ll have to bring her here sometime so you can see her.” She tells Dan, letting go of the hug, allowing him to guide her up the steps and into the lounge.
He ignores the fact that he supposes they are now calling his amnesia and the cause of it an “accident” and only expresses a fake smile towards her as he hands her the tea he recently made. “That sounds like a great idea. Here, I made us some tea before you arrived.” He replies, he was trying his best at going along with this small talk.
Louise takes the cup out of his hands with a thankful smile. “Thank you,” She takes a look around the lounge before continuing her sentence. Louise then looks back over at Dan, a confused look fixated on her face. “Is Phil here? Where did he go, out to the shops?”
Dan quickly tenses at the question being asked. He can already feel tears pricking at his eyes and the memory of the fight and the past week being spent in silence haunts him.
Goddammit, Dan, really?! Stop crying just at the mention of Phil. How pathetic are you, breaking down in tears just hearing the damn guys name! He thinks to himself. As much as he wanted to pin that as yet another negative thought, it was right; he needed to learn how to deal with a conversation without immediately crying at the name of the person that caused this pain.
“He’s um… Well, I don’t know where he is. I haven’t really known where he’s been going for the past week, actually.” Dan let’s out a bitter laugh, wiping away a tear that escaped from his eye.
Louise is quickly scooting closer to Dan and lightly laying her arm around his shoulders. “Oh sweetheart, it’s Phil again, isn’t it? I’m sorry, what happened?” She asks with concern, annoyance found nowhere in her voice.
Dan wipes away tears quickly, convincing himself that he wasn’t sad about this. This wasn’t his fault and this time he knew he couldn’t be the one apologizing again. As he is drying his eyes, he backs himself up away from her touch slightly, causing Louise to pull her arm back. “It’s just… We got into a fight again. But, this time it wasn’t some petty one like last time. This one was a full fledged fight. Before I explain anything, I just want to apologize in advance for seeming to only contact you when something happens between the two of us. I really do appreciate our friendship, and once this is all over, I promise I will find time to properly hang out with you and—” His speech starts quicken as he tries to apologize for both feeling and most likely actually being a burden.
Louise quickly stops him in his hurried apology, placing her hands on his chest and stopping him from moving so much. “Dan, Dan, it’s okay, alright? I’m not mad that you need a friend to talk to and that I’m the one you’ve chosen to contact. It’s completely fine, okay? You can talk to me anytime you want, whether it’s to bitch about something small or just because you’re in need of someone to share an awkward moment with.” She explains, shooting Dan a friendly and reassuring large smile.
He smiles back and suddenly feels a warm feeling engulf him for the first time in a week. “Yeah,” He states simply, nodding his head and letting out a small laugh.”Yeah, alright. So, I’ll definitely be contacting you to share and make some awkward moments soon. I promise, once all of this bullshit is over, we are going to be caught in the most awkward situation that no one will even believe us when we talk about it.”
She sends him an amused smile in return. “Yeah? Well, that sounds like a plan. I will keep it in mind,” Louise then places a hand on Dan’s back, her mood completely changing to a now serious and more charismatic character. “Now, what’s this about you and Phil? Why did you two get into an argument, and what about?”
Dan lets out an exasperated sigh, his smile being replaced by a frown. “It was my fault it all started really… Me and him have been — or, were — becoming really close. Like, we were cuddling, holding hands, stuff like that. Normally, we would both fall asleep in the others arms. It was all just… it was amazing, really it was. But, of course if we’re going to be doing these things I’m going to wonder if this means that he feels the same way about me as I do him. So, I ended up asking him one day.” He clutches his fist, being engulfed in both a mixture of anger and sadness as he recalls everything. “He didn’t take it well, to put it lightly.”
“How did he respond, what did he say?” Louise asks, curiosity in her eyes, doused in both concern and sympathy.
Dan’s brows furrow, his eyes clouding over with an equal amount of confusion and anger. “He- he just said...No.” He scoffs.
“Like, what the hell does that even mean? How am I meant to respond to fucking “No” after I’ve just admitted that I fucking love you?!” He exclaims with an angry expression fixated on his face. “Not only does he just respond with a word that can mean so many things in the context, he then get’s up and just fucking leaves the room!” Dan throws his hands up in defeat.
“That’s… very weird. Did he just leave after that?” She wraps her arm over Dan’s shoulders.
He laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “Honestly, I wish he did. If I wouldn’t have begged him to stay he would’ve just left and once we both calmed down, I could just act as if I didn’t mean to say what I’d admitted.” He crosses both his arms and legs. “I was so desperate and scared, Louise. I couldn’t afford to lose Phil. Without him, I’d be literally nothing. Hell, I would be fucking dead! There was no way I could just let my reason to live walk out on me without trying.”
Dan sighs, he didn’t know if he was more hurt or angry right now. Thinking about all of this again just made him want to punch everything, but at the same time crawl into a ball and just cry to death.
“Once I convinced him to stay, I tried to explain how what we’ve been doing lately was about everything except platonic, but… After that, I kind of just got really angry. All of a sudden, I’m just telling him literally everything that I’ve been keeping in since I’ve had this fucking memory loss.” He let’s his head fall back onto the back of the sofa, letting out a broken sigh accompanied by the tears that were expected to come eventually.
“Then, it just became about him hiding shit from me, and how in reality I’ve just felt so fucking broken since I’ve been here, all because I can’t keep in the fact that I have romantic feelings for my best friend. Next thing you know, Phil is telling me he is going out, and not to bother staying awake for him or to go to looking for him. Now, he’s been going out all week, clearly trying to avoid any and all contact with me. I just… I hate feeling like this Lou, without him I just feel so…”
Dan stops, trying to find the right word to explain this feeling.
It felt like he was dying, but instead of just being sent to hell, he was forced to endure this horrible pain till the end of time. “Broken.” He finally chokes out.
Louise tightens her grip around Dan’s shoulders. “Dan, I am so sorry you have to be in this much pain. It’s going to be okay, I promise. You and Phil are going to be okay.” She tells him, trying to think of a way to elaborate on this statement.
Dan nods his head before she can continue. “I’m just… I was tired of him hiding things. I just want to know why he’s so damn persistent about us not being together.”
“I know you are,” She looks over at him, making sure his eyes lock onto hers. “Look, you and Phil are meant for each other, I’ve know you both for years and you two just… click. You can both get through this, you just need to communicate.”
“But, how am I supposed to talk to him? He fucking leaves at unpredictable times just so he doesn’t end up running into me.”
“Then, wait for him to come home. Whether you have to wait all night or not. You need to sit down and have a civil discussion about all of this.”
Dan allows a loud scoff and bitter filled laugh to escape him. “And how do you suppose that will solve anything? We’ll either just get into another big argument, or he’ll just tell me that he doesn’t like me in that way and the rest of our lives is spent with us being awkward around each other.”
Louise is hesitant to respond. Her face softens and after a minute or so, she looks over at Dan in the eyes. “That’s not going to happen, Dan. I know Phil feels the same about you, it’s so obvious, I’m sure a child could notice it! There’s just something that must’ve happened in the past that he’s holding onto and hasn’t learned to overcome it yet. He loves you too Dan, I can tell the way he looks at you, the way he acts around you. If you just talk to him, this will all be alright.” She explains, a small reassuring smile plastered onto her face.
Dan nods, happy to hear that someone else actually noticed the way Phil is around him. “Alright, I understand. You’re probably right. Thank you so much Louise, for everything really. You’re a fucking life saver.” He hugs her tightly, his tears gone.
“Of course, Dan,” She let’s go of the hug and smiles over at him. “I’m always here for you.”
After the two discuss a few things to attempt to get Dan’s mind off these problems temporarily, Louise soon realizes the time, and suggests she be going soon.
Dan stands up, waiting for Louise. “Thank you again for all of this. And thanks for coming.” He tells her, a genuine smile on his face.
“It’s really not a problem. Don’t forget about inviting me over to make some awkward moments.” She jokes and the two share a small chuckle.
As Dan is starting to head out of the lounge, the two stop as they hear footsteps that are soon accompanied by a body. There in front of both Dan and Louise, stood Phil.
Phil freezes in his track, as if he had no way to even move a muscle at this point. When glancing over at them both, he tries his best not to show how his stomach has dropped just at the sight of Dan. Phil stood there for a few minutes, studying Dan’s wild hair, red eyes, and tear stained cheeks. It honestly broke Phil’s heart to see Dan like this… and it was all because of him.
Before either Dan or Louise could speak, Phil turns. “I’m sorry, I’ll just- I’ll be in my bedroom.” Dan can hear the hitch in Phil’s throat as he speaks. He then quickly rushes out the lounge and Dan assumes into his room as he announced.
Louise shares a confused glance with Dan. “Is everything alright? Do you want me to stay here to help you talk to him?”
Dan shakes his head, slightly happy that for once he didn’t feel himself succumbing to tears as he usually did. “No, it’s fine. I’ll handle him later.” He explains, then heads out the lounge and down the stairs to the front door, not giving Louise time to protest.
“Thank you for the advice and listening to me rant. I really do appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome Dan,” She leans up and hugs him tightly. “I’ll see you later, right?”
“Of course. Goodbye, Louise.”
“Bye Dan, I’ll see you later.” With that, she opens the door and heads back home.
Dan wants to just crash right there at the front door.
He had just seen Phil in the first time for a week.
He wishes he got a better look at Phil’s appearance. But, just from his eyes, Dan could tell there was a part of Phil that was just… broken. Broken, just as Dan was. He didn’t know what it was, but there was a part of Dan that made him want to smile, happy to see that Phil might have felt just as bad as Dan looked. It was a mean thought, so Dan quickly tries to relinquish it.
After maybe a minute or so, Dan heads back up the stairs. He stops at Phil’s door, knocking on it. “Hey, Lounge is yours now in case you wanted it.” He calls through the door. Before Phil could even answer or open his bedroom door, Dan locks himself in his own bedroom and lays down, allowing sleep to completely engulf him.
Summary: It’s something no one is really prepared for to happen, mainly because no one really expects it to happen, but also because there really isn’t a way to prepare for the memory loss of seven years of your life. To Dan’s dismay, he wakes up in a hospital bed thinking he’s seventeen when in reality he is twenty-five in the year 2016. Now, Dan is forced to try and adapt to this life that he’s made for himself, but will never remember. Not to mention, he is flatmates with Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s greatly admired and is now falling in love with.
Warnings: Cursing, Amnesia, panic attacks, alcohol use, existential cirsis(?), slurs/homophobia, and making out/mentions of sex
Dan sighs happily as he pushes himself up deeper into the nook of Phil’s neck. It’s been a month since his panic attack and thankfully the thoughts in his head haven’t been as loud or strong as they were then. As for him and Phil, they’ve definitely been closer than platonic. Or, they have in Dan’s eyes that is. Neither has kissed the other, or shown any affection that could be classified as completely intimate. Despite feeling so much more safer and okay with being this close to Phil, Dan can’t help but want more. He wants to tell Phil that he wants them to be more than friends, he wants to be in this fucked up world and live it with Phil all the way through.
As of now, it was around five-thirty and the two are lounged out on the sofa. Phil was currently spooning Dan as the two were staring at the TV screen at a show Dan couldn’t bother to remember the name of. The only major thing on his mind right now was Phil. He glances up at him and is soon becoming lost in the olders features, forgetting that there is a great possibility Phil will catch him staring in such an intimate way. He’s plans things out in his head and thinks of what could happen. If he told Phil he liked him more than a friend, Phil could say yes, and these cuddles could turn into so much more.
“Phil..?” Dan’s voice is soft and he says the others name in the form of a question. The thought of rejection never seems to pass Dan’s mind until after he’s muttered the other’s name.
Phil’s attention turns from the TV to Dan quickly. “Yeah Dan, is everything alright?” His voice is soft and calm, definitely not expecting the question that was about to be asked.
Dan takes a deep breath before talking. He now doesn’t know if he can do this, there is just no way he could ever say what he wants. “Phil, I like you a lot more than a friend.” Never mind then, Dan supposes his voice is faster than his mind. The words come out fast and kind of quiet and he’s not too sure if Phil even heard him correctly.
It’s as if something inside Phil changed. He heard the words clearly and he knew this was coming, so he didn’t understand why he doesn’t have had a proper response. “No.” He says simply in a tone equally expressing anger, sorrow, and confusion.
Phil is now quickly unwrapping himself from Dan and getting up off the couch. He leaves the lounge and arrives back in his coat, only to grab the keys from the table. Dan doesn’t know exactly what’s going on, but he does know that he can’t let Phil leave, there was no way he could let that happen.
He rushes to Phil’s side and grabs his wrist before he could leave the room. “Phil, wait. Please, don’t go. At least tell me why.”
“No.” He says yet again and even Phil is confused as to why this is the only word that seems to be able to come out of him at the moment.
He tries to shake Dan’s hand off him and succeeds.
Phil only gets into the hallway when Dan grabs his wrist yet again, this time a lot tighter than the last. “Dan, let go of me!” He raises his voice. This was all escalating too quickly and over something he knew was coming at some point.
“No!” Dan yells twice as loud as Phil, causing Phil to stop his struggle to get out of Dan’s grip immediately. “I’m not letting go of you until you talk to me.” He finishes and he’s already out of breath. His eyes are drowning in desperation and he isn’t even trying to hide it anymore.
Phil can’t help it when his heart aches at this sight of such a desperate Dan. Due to this, and the fact that his wrist is aching from Dan’s death grip, Phil stops. He breaks free of Dan’s grip and only crosses his arms.
“Sit down, please. We need to talk about this. You can’t just run away and leave me in this state.” Dan begs, but Phil doesn’t comply, no matter how much it hurt to see Dan already in tears; and because of him.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Dan. I’ve already told you before, we are just best friends, that’s it.” Phil explains in a stern voice, although there was no hint of anger in it.
Dan let’s out a confused sigh. “Then just tell me that. If you really believe that then you wouldn’t just bail on me like you are now.” All of a sudden, anger causes the blood in his veins to boil. Dan’s quickly decided that he’s tired of being sad all the time, so his sorrow is quickly transferred to anger and he has the urge to just scream. So, that’s exactly what he does.
“Phil, can you just step back and think for a minute?” Dan sighs in annoyance and anger. “I mean, everything we’ve been doing lately; cuddling, holding hands, the way you look at me, the way I look at you. I mean, come on, none of that is platonic. We’ve done everything a common couple does except kiss, fuck, and tell each other we love each other.” His voice is quickly raising and his voice turns into a yell. ”It’s just- Do you even know how you look at me sometimes?! I have never in my entire life been stared at like that by anyone else but you. No friend has ever looked at me like that, do you understand?”
Phil is about to interrupt and protest, but Dan holds his hand up, quickly speaking before Phil could. “I am just so sick and tired of all these goddamn secrets and lies. First, the 2012 thing, and now you are telling me we are just best friends but you’re cuddling up with me and all this other shit!” Dan screams. He pauses, completely out of breath.
Even if there is a pause, they are both aware that Dan is far from being finished. “And please, don’t give me that “I don’t think you can handle it” bullshit, alright?! I know I can’t handle it, I’m well aware of that really. I can’t handle anything for god's sake! And, the fact that I’ve lost every ounce of my memory from the past seven years— I just… I can’t believe you’re just going to get up and leave expecting to never tell me why you can’t just try and explain why you think you don’t have feelings for me.”Dan’s absolutely exhausted, he hopes his point has been made, but he still isn’t finished.
“And, I say think because every.single.thing you do towards me is always done out of something more than friendship.” He’s now gasping for air and he’s not sure if he’s ever yelled this much before in his life. He catches his breath and then straightens up as much as possible, his posture almost perfect. He glares over at Phil and finishes, his voice confident and stern. “So Phil, if you can’t see that- that me and you are just so much more than that… Well, then you need a stronger prescription for your eyes, because you are sooo fucking blind.”
Phil doesn’t want to respond, if Dan hadn’t yelled then he wouldn’t have. He has to get his point across though, which is something Phil isn’t even sure about. But, he knows that he can’t be with Dan; they just… They can’t be together.
Phil’s hands are in balls for the first time and his pale face has grown red with anger. He replies in the same tone as Dan. “Look, whatever happened back then wasn’t any of your business. The… The Dan I knew before all this wouldn’t have pressured me so much into being with him, or talking about the past for the matter. He only cared about the future, and getting through it with me whether it was as friends or not.”
“Well, the “Dan before” is the same damn person you are talking to now, Phil. And, the Dan before had all of his memories, so of course he wouldn’t have to ask or even focus on the past so much. How the fuck do you expect me to focus on the future when I can’t even remember the past which dictates it?” Dan replies, hurt, his voice softer, but anger still screaming from his words. He sits up straight yet again. “Y’know, you keep asking me if I’m alright, if I’m going to be okay. Do you want the real answer to that? Yeah, the answer is no Phil. I have lost the past seven years of my entire life.” His voice grows loud yet again. “I wake up everyday feeling just as shitty and confused as the last. It doesn’t matter if you told me the stuff that you thought that mattered. You can tell me anything and it still wouldn’t help the giant black hole in my head that used to hold seven years of my life that I would kill to get back.” Dan pauses, now holding back tears.
There’s one more thing he wants to add, but he’s not sure he should share it. Due to the fact that his filter is pretty much broken now, Dan decides to just stop sugarcoating and hiding things. “I wake up… everyday, and whenever I see you I just- I can’t help but smile.” He let’s out a bittersweet laugh, accompanied with just as much of a bittersweet grin. His expression then quickly turns grim, and he’s given up on holding tears back now, he’s too exhausted to fight them anymore.
“But… at the same time- I have to almost hold back tears. I’m going to tell you right now Phil, I have fallen for you since day one.. And, the fact that you can’t just sit in that lounge and bloody talk this out like civil person just hurts me even more. It really pisses me off too, y’know. I wish you would stop hiding shit even when I’m aware of it.” He balls his hands into fists. “I feel like you need to just get the fuck over yourself and think about how I feel...how I hurt… just for once.”
Dan can tell this makes Phil fume and notices that his hands are also now in tight fists. Little to Dan’s knowledge, Phil just wanted to slap Dan, something he never wanted to do to him other than one time in their lives. His knuckles are in pain and are turning white. He doesn’t even respond to Dan, he only shoves past him, not caring if it was rough enough to push the boy back.
“I’m going out.” He states the obvious under his breath. “Don’t bother catching up or waiting for me to come back… please.” He then storms down the stairs and slams the front door shut, leaving Dan to figure out what the hell just happened.
