A FACEBOOK memory from 3 years ago. As I read it this morning the only face I kept seeing as I read was my brother’s. Tony and i had 4 years and I fell apart after. I can’t imagine what 40 years of marriage, of having your best friend and all of a sudden your life gets flipped. My heart hurts. Moments will get better, days will eventually stop blending in with each other, and you begin to realize that the emptiness that is felt will always be there, you learn to live with it, you carry on with life because others are depending on you to do it until you realize that you have to live for yourself, you learn to be in the moment because you don’t know if you’ll get another. * * #pcam16 This word has been one of the hardest words to say, yet so much meaning behind it. As a widow, I've gone through the loss of my best friend, my partner, the one person I shared everything with, the one that helped me make decisions as simple as "what do you want to eat today?" The strength I have now is through my daily prayers in knowing that God is with me. The fear of what? For a few days I had a sense of fear of being home alone, of not being able to do anything anymore but then remembered that Tony fell in love with an independent woman, that didn't know the meaning of fear. I took a drive out to Las Vegas last weekend by myself. Having to make the simple decision of where to put gas, where to stop to rest, to get something to eat, where to get the tattoo(that was the reason I went), when to come home. All those decisions had to be made by me without having to check with someone else. That was very difficult. I lost the love of my life, my best best friend to this thing we call cancer. Today, I feel a little more alive, with more of a need to be present in all I do. I miss talking to Tony and hearing his smart ass remarks about anything. I have the strength through God who continues to guide me in what I now continue to do. He made me independent without fear and that's who I'm becoming. Different, yet the same. May God bless all the women and men who have lost their best friend and that now we have the word WIDOW as part of our vocabulary. #tony #mydebbie #missthemboth https://www.instagram.com/p/B2HQkoSpbxUIhrCvFmTRL5smQho7dcYGGiPM9A0/?igshid=10sjcri8dv2en