Peace - JOHN SHELBY X READER
i was in the mood for some sad imagine, so i really hope you like it. maybe it’s too much, but i quite enjoy it writing it even if i cried most of the time. sorry for any mistake and i really want your opinions on it, it means so much to me!! love you all xx
You and John met in a rainy autumn night a long time ago. You were at the Garrison with his sister Ada and it was the first time ever they saw their sister with another female, laughing and actually enjoying the time spend together. It didn't took too much until John approached you and you talked all night, about everything. You didn't know back then, but you were falling for him even since that night.
You shut your eyes, seeing his cocky smile again as he asked you. "And why were ya alone here?" He was so curious about you, he couldn't help but laugh when thinking at all the men faces when they saw a woman like you alone at a bar. You can hear his voice and his laugh, like he is actually here.
"It may be because I'm better on my own." You smile back, making him chuckle a little.
These words haunt you now and you are not smiling anymore.
Beside others, you hear them every day and night since that day. Your nightmares mostly end with you saying this and you take all the fault on you. You said that to John on the first night you met and now you are alone for good.
It's been a month since John died. You lost the track of time, you don't even know what day of the week it is today, but you can clearly remember that today it's a month since that horrible day. And a month since you haven't left the house, sleep or eat properly.
You can't leave the house. What if John come back and there is no one waiting for him?
You hear noises downstairs and your full of hope eyes meet Polly's concerned ones as she enter the bedroom you once shared with John, his clothes still untouched on the floor.
"Hello love." She softly speaks and you don't see it, but she acts strange around you. "How are you?"
You're face falls when you realize that it's not John and Polly saw that, but kept her mouth shut about that, not wanting to upset you even more than you already are.
But you don't look fine at all and you don't realize that either.
"I'm fine. But we're missing you, love. The kids are missing you..."
You shake your head when Polly grabs your cold hands in hers.
"Come on. Let's eat something, take a bath and come with me to see them. What do you say about that? They'll be so-..."
"Why?" Polly's eyes are soft, just like her voice is, but she start to get really concerned for your health. You wear a dirty black dress, you're hair is tangled and your old makeup is smudged all over you're pale face. You look a lot skinnier behind you're clothes and your cheekbones are clearly standing out, your face sharper than before. She can only sigh and remember the beautiful happy girl you once were. The one everyone loves.
"I don't think they believe me when I tell them that their father will be back..." Your voice it's like a whisper because for some reason you don't think that Polly will believe you. Or anyone else. The Shelby's look like they forgot about John. It feels like Arthur it's the only one still grieving; he used to come here once in a few days, just to talk to you and cry together. But you realize just now that he stopped his visits.
"You think I'm crazy? You all think that?"
You take a step back from her and you glare at Polly with hurt all over your face.
"You played me the whole fucking time! All of you! How can I know that this...His death is for real? What if...What if it's just another Tommy's plan?"
You can't control yourself when you start crying and screaming, Polly just watching you falling apart right in front of her. She always knows what to say, but not right now. Not when she can see how broken you are after her nephew's cruel death.
"It's not..." Tears are now in her eyes too as she tries to grab you into her arms again, but you take another step back.
"No, [Y/N]. Come to my place. I won't let you alone here. We won't."
"Please." You say and you close your eyes, crying and feeling physical pain in your heart. You never felt that before, not until you saw John at the ground, his body shattering from the bullets. You didn't even get the chance to tell him you love him for the last time.
Polly won't accept "no" as an answer, so you just nod but you feel numb. You can't feel anything else beside pain. Not even hate for the ones that did this, just pure pain.
After an hour, you walk into Polly's and you are relieved to see that the rest of the family it's not here yet. Just your kids that greeted you with hugs, kisses and screams and you cried while holding every one of them. They all look so much like John that broke your heart even more. After that, Polly helped you to take a bath, more exactly you sat in the bathtub crying again and she washed your hair and body just like a mother would. Like your real mother never did before.
And now she is preparing something for dinner; it's smells good, but you are not in the mood for it. You can only think about the pills that you took from your bathroom.
"Just us?" You ask slowly as you placed the plates on the table. The kids are on their chairs, noisy as always.
"Yes. The rest of the family will be there in a few hours. They will be so happy to see you." She speaks with a little smile on her lips and you quietly nod. "Tea?"
The dinner with Polly and the kids was nice. Probably the closest moment to happiness you ever felt in the past days. You washed them and spend some moments with them, just talking and answering to their question about their dad with tears in your eyes and a thin voice.
When every one of them are on their beds and ready to sleep, you kiss them on their foreheads and cheeks, trying to hold onto your tears.
"We love you mommy" they all says with angelic smiles on their faces.
"I love you too, babies. I love you the most. I will always be here with you, okay? We, me and our dad...We will protect you from everything."
You know this is sick. You saying that to your own children before wanting to take your own life. You know they are gonna be hurt and you hate yourself for this, but in the stage you are now, you are not able to help them. You're not able to help yourself. You can't accept that John, your husband and the love of your life, died. You can't get over it.
You want to end it quick. So you just enter the bathroom, lock the door and pull the pills out form your pocket. You swallow with weight thinking at your family, the Shelby's; they helped you so much and they mean a lot to you, but you don't have the strength to talk with them. You just wanna end all the pain.
You took the pills, you don't even know how much of them; you just sat on the floor with your back pressed on the door and you peacefully close your eyes, waiting. You don't feel any pain, so this is the end. This is how it is.
"I'm sorry..." You whisper; your throat and lips are dry.
"You're sorry? That's all you can say, love?"
You open your eyes in shock and you know that you would recognize that raspy voice and that British accent from anywhere. Your husband is right in front of you, dressed in one of his best expensive black suite and with his Peaky Blinder cap on. He looks very good and handsome as always; he's not pale and bloody like in that damn awful day. He looks fine...But unhappy.
"What did you do, [Y/N]?" He helps you get up from the bathroom floor and you don't understand a fucking thing that's happening, but you are shocked to see him. You want to touch him, but his frown stop you.
"I am dead?" You whisper and you look around, but it's just Polly's bathroom.
"Not yet." John take the toothpick out from between his teeth and look at you as he pulls you into a big warm hug, melting your heart when you finally touch him and smell his familiar perfume after so many nights on only dreaming about this.
"Why? Why did you this, [Y/N]?" He asks when he pulls away from the hug and slowly touch your wet cheeks with his thumb. You don't realize you are crying; his icy blue eyes are wet too and his face is tormented by pain and sadness.
"I wanted-...I wanted to be with you, John. I can't live without you. I don't want to." You have confidence in your voice, but you keep on crying because you didn't expected this. You thought that he will be happy to see you again.
"What about our kids?" His voice is breaking at the mention of his kids, hurting him the thought of them losing a mother again.
"Polly it's not their mother."
You wanted so bad to say that you are not their mother either, but you are. You love every one of them just like you love Eric, your biological child with John. You are their mother and they are your children.
"I thought...I thought that you will be happy to see me." You are crying even harder right now. You don't feel any kind of pain, but this is breaking you. You thought that he will be happy and that you will be finally together. "John, please...I'm going crazy without you."
He slowly nods and glare at your with concerned all over his face while he keep wiping your tears away, holding you again into his arms.
"I know, but I'm always there with you."
"You're not...I'm feeling you, but that's all..."
"It's enough for now. You have to go back, love. It's not your time yet."
You frown and your fingers grabbed his shirt, holding him closer to you. He leans his head closer to your lips, kissing you and you quickly respond with the intensity that you missed so much. You feel butterflies in your stomach and your heart it's beating so fast, but as he pulls away from your lips, you know that it was a goodbye kiss.
"No...Don't...Please, don't."
Pain it's all over his face, but he manage to smile with tears wetting his cheeks as well. He keep your face in his big palms, looking right into your eyes.
"We will see each other again when your time will come. But now...You have to go back, my love. I want you here...I swear there's nothing I want more, but I have to let you go."
He close his eyes, kissing the top of your head and inhaling on your perfume, knowing how much he missed that. How much he missed you and how much he hated to watch you destroying yourself for him. He couldn't do anything until now.
"Be there for our children. Make sure they are healthy, happy...Make sure they go to school so they will have a good future...Not like me, like Thomas, like Arthur...Make sure they will be good people."
You close your eyes, holding him still and tight in your arms.
"Take care of you, love. I won't ask you to meet someone else, I know you can't. But, please, take care of you."
This is as hard as the day they took him away from you.
"I love you, [Y/N] Shelby. I love you for eternity."
At some point you stopped crying, but that didn't make things easier. You took your time to watch, touch, hold and kiss each other for the last time. You both know now that you have to go back. You can't stay and you realize it just now. The kids needs you.
"I love you and I will always love you, John."
"Take care, please. I don't wanna see any of you again. Not here."
You don't have the time to answer it because his soft lips are on yours and you close your eyes, leaning into him and into the kiss.
"Until we will see each other again, love."
You open your eyes in a hospital bed.
You can't hear what the nurse is saying, but you are left alone for only one second before your family all burst into your room. You look at them with tears in your eyes, but they look happy to see you back.
"Oh my God, [Y/N]!" Polly and Ada's eyes are swollen and they are the first to hug you, you three all crying in the arms of each other. The men give you some space for a few moments, but they hug you too.
"You met our Johnny boy up 'ere?" Arthur asks, trying to joke but everyone looks at you, wondering.
A little smile start to grow on your lips and you look at all of them: Thomas, Arthur, Finn, Michael, Polly and Ada. They all are here for you. Your family.
"Actually I did." You answer with tears in your eyes. "He said that he don't wanna see any of us there."
You can see tears on their eyes as well, even on Tommy who tries to hide it. You just look around the room, knowing that he's here watching all of you and for the first time in a while, you don't feel any kind of pain in your heart. You have found peace.
