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More details on my new haircut. Its so short, and coo, perfect summer cut. No idea how to style it yet but I’ll improvise.
I feel as if I’ve been hiding my face behind my hair lately so it was time to pull away the curtain and force myself to see my face and learn to love it again. It’s a nice face and it looks great with medium length hair but I should only have that lenght becaouse I want it to and not because it’s a good hiding spot.
Like, it doesn't feel like it'll be my birthday in a few hours? University has been rough and I haven't really been thinking of anything besides studies. I had my first real exam yesterday and it went well! So I'm proud of what my efforts manage to achieve. But today when we had our introduction for the new course we got bombed with a heavy new group assignment that we have to hold a presentation on on Monday. Idk, it's sad that I'm not all that exited about my own birthday because I ...haven't really thought about it, nor has it felt important enough. I'm just glad I'll be spending the night with @alternatefiction and we'll be playing DA2, because that has been my wish for a looooong time.
I miss Cosplaying. I don't really miss conventions that much but I certainly miss cosplaying. I miss making cosplay, fixing wigs and makeup. But right now I don't have that much money to spend on cosplay and not really the energy to do it either. I have characters I would like to cosplay, just not the characters I already have cosplay for. But with no money or time to lay on new cosplays I end up not doing anything and that makes me a bit sad. Might play around with wigs tomorrow, and make up. I really miss it. Also, I feel a bit silly. Like, I'm a cosplayer you follow who doesn't cosplay. I do hope you're enjoying my nerdyness and fandom jumping at least.
I don't want you to go in depth or have you get emotional or have another anxiety attack. As of right now, I'm in high school and I'm suffering from anxiety, ADHD, and minor depression. Could you please tell me your anxiety story and how you learned to cope and bypass it?
So, Trigger warnings forpeople with anxiety. Especially rgarding life, existence and death.
For as long as I canremember I’ve been absolutely terrified of death. I remember being 6and coming out from my room in the middle of the night, crying andscreaming because I didn’t want to die. I’ll talk about this asbriefly and as simply as I can because even even as I write this Iget that cold jabbing feeling in my chest that spreads though my bodylike piercing lighting .
So, death is so scary tome that I sometimes freak out and have anxiety attacks. During theseattacks I sort of black out. I can’t control what I’m doing, but itusually involves a lot of running around, screaming andhyperventilating. And it usually ends with me as a pile on the floorsomewhere, just collapsed.
Why do I get like this ?Dunno, I’ve had it all my life, some periods are worse than others.And I have really bad attacks just before a huge change in my life isabout to happen. The thought of my consciousness disappearing for allof eternity is fucking terrifying. The fact that I will be gone forthe rest of everything. The earth will explode, the universe will (Had an attack here, not fun) implode and nothing. Yeah, hehe,Enough about that now. What I do is that I try to push all thesethoughts as far away from myself as I possibly can. I know whatthoughts triggers me so I just try to stop them at an earlystage. Distract myself redirect my thoughts. It’s difficult butpractice makes perfect. When I see that this might not work and Ikeep having thought like this I try to focus on something, reading ordrawing, just to stop me from thinking at all. If I cant think goodthought I need to stop thinking. And if this doesn’t work and I endup having an attack anyway then as soon as I’m aware enough toactually move on my own, I try to touch the nearest surface I canreach, often the floor with my hand and just feel it.
I am existing, I feel. Iam still here, right here, breathing, feeling, being, the floor issmooth, cold, hard. I am here, I live. - Is usually what I feel then,I try to make the floor my anchor until I’m stable enough to tryagain with the focusing part. Drawing or reading. That’s justwhat I do, and how I deal. It may not work for you but it is the bestI can make out of my situation.
Things I’ve drawn when I’ve been close to having anxiety attacks.
I start with lines and dots and as things progress and I get calmer, there might be swirls and patterns. In the end I might have something that looks like something, and sometimes it doesn’t look like anything at all. What it is, however, is a feeling translated into lines. My fears and my calm.
For @levis-shattered-teacup who wanted to see some of my drawings.
Tomorrow around 4 pm I will be having my Theory test for getting a drivers license-
And to be honest I feel like shit. I guess you could even say I'm scared. I know the drill and it's playing on a rerun in my head- “It doesn't matter if I fail as long as I do my best, there's always a next time.” and while that is true, I know it is, it still feels huge. Its such a big deal to me if I do well or not when you're able to see it so clearly in numbers. Over 52, well hurray, I pass! But if I'm as much as one point under that, all my work will have been for “nothing”. I haven't been doing anything else than studying since last Monday. Completely focused on this one task, and if that's not enough then what ?
I hate the feeling of sitting in front of a question, knowing that my answer will be so vital to the outcome, and not knowing the answer. Why do I not know it ? Why don't I understand? I've been reading. I've been studying, answering questions, taking notes. I know I've read about this, it feels familiar. I know where in the book I could find the answer, I know the books' sections well enough. But it's blank in my head. I realize that I'm now one point closer to failure. I hate that I hold my breath as I read the next question, begging that it's about something I know, something I remember. But it's not. Two points closer. It's like a game of Russian roulette. I hate that I have to keep going, stay calm and tell myself that it's OK, that I can make it.
I'm worried. Failing on tests always make me feel really dumb and useless. Even if I can redo it, that still won't change the fact that I had to do it twice, or trice, when so many manage on their first try. The solution to my problem, I know very well. Stop comparing yourself to others, learn that failing is OK, and stop being so harsh on yourself. I know this! It doesn't change how I feel. I've heard all of it before and as I said, it's all echoing in my head, doing its best to stick onto something.
It' doesn't change the fact that over 52 point will mean I make it...And under 52 means I fail.
On my way back from närcon. Strange convention really, I'm not sure if I'll write something or just let someone else do and just reblog that. I'm too tired now anyway to decide. I'm A bit frustrated that I had to rush to my mom's place and she still obviously thinks that I haven't been hurrying enough. Like, it takes a few hours to get from Linköping and home, and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry. I lost my flowercrown while rushing to the train. Really sad about it . I loved that crown. I guess I'm just pretty tired.
So, I tried out the wigs I got in japan and did some simple makeup tests as well!
All while proving a point to a cetrain anon ~
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so your eyesight must be just as shitty as your attitude and respect for others.
-Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.- Cady, Mean Girls. It’s a good movie, you should watch it !
Look at your life, look at your choices. I know it’s easier to look at someone else’s life and judge their choices, but that won’t change the situation you are in and it certainly won’t change me. Life isn’t that easy. The only way to make a change in your life is to change something with yourself.
I believe in you.
