#personal and boring

[loveandallthat]

My own personal year in review, mostly for myself but if you want to know what I was up to in 2019 it’s also for you!

January: I had been in California for a month and a half at this point, and I was still getting used to the area I live in, and I even got my CA drivers license. I started Japanese classes! And we were booking things for the Japan trip in March. I was trying to work out at home a lot with mixed success. 

February: I turned 26 (gross) and my friend bought me a book for my birthday that reinvigorated my love of reading, and then I read obsessively for the rest of the year. I took and failed an actuarial exam (though the results were not instant so I didn’t find out I failed until April.)

March: THE BEST JAPAN TRIP EVER with @shizuos featuring Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, Kobe, Nara, Himeji, Fukuoka, and more Tokyo. We changed plans while we were there and still managed to have it be an amazing experience. After I got back I had really bad jet lag and my work bff abandoned me for someone else and it was STILL WORTH IT. 

April: I got the official “did not pass” for my exam. And I met up with some internet friends!

May: Our busy season at work wasn’t as bad as expected and I only had to work one weekend. I was studying most of the month, anyway. And I got a library card and went to pick out a training gym. And I picked a doctor. Looking back, what a settling in kind of month. My parents also visited.

June: I took and failed the same exam from February, though I didn’t get the confirmation. I could tell I had failed, though; it was really hard. @hatemyvenuscancer took me to fun beaches and places I hadn’t been before.

July: finally got my car properly registered and went home to see my family for my grandma’s birthday. @shizuos is always very appreciated for wanting to hang out with me when we’re in the same place (and saving me from being stuck with my family the whole time when I go home.) Being home really reminded me how much I don’t like my extended family. As soon as I got back my best friend was in LA visiting her brother and we managed to grab time to hang out, too. 

August: Apparently almost nothing happened except I set a running speed goal for myself so I could run with my overly tall dad on vacation. I also got to do some work with another team at work.

September: I basically studied this whole fucking month.

October: I FINALLY PASSED THAT EXAM. To celebrate, I went off the birth control I’d been taking for PMS just to see how my body reacts. Then I visited my friend in Portland. I don’t really like Portland but there are fun things there, and obviously I was there for my friend, anyway. My Japanese classmates and I are all still in the same class and it’s cute how everyone actually likes each other and worries when one session ends if we’ll be together next time. I went to a Katelyn Tarver concert and the We Can Survive thing which was a lot of artists. 

November: I got a bunch of the clothes I bought in Japan tailored so I can actually wear them, as well as a dress from Topshop I was going to wear in Vegas until it was too cold. I was actually successful at NaNoWriMo. My family and I were in Vegas for thanksgiving which was pretty fun. And thanks to @bleep0bleep for being another person to give me a reason to leave my local comfort zones.

December: I finally decided to get a dentist and an eye doctor around here. I’ve been really apathetic most of the month for some reason. My apartment heater went rogue and tried to cook me in my own apartment and the maintenance guy was a jerk; then the toilet started leaking (clean water) and he was a jerk again. He’s my enemy now. Thank you AGAIN @shizuos for making time to see me; it was very fun. I spent just enough time with my family for the holidays. I finished the year by doing a nice apartment decluttering and reorganizing.

Overall, it was definitely a development year (and I think next year will be, too.) It feels like I’m constantly doing things that are difficult for me and they keep coming up and I’m always tired but if I don’t do them they don’t get done and nothing will get better. But I had fun, too! And the work is paying off.

Some of my 2020 resolutions include saving money, passing more exams, and being even healthier. I think looking back on this year, that I have reason to think I can be successful in those. I also want to read as much as I did this year, which was sort of a lot. Those are the easier goals, and the other ones are secrets. ;)

[littleminyard]

I found 2 other Barnes and noble gift cards that I thought I used. One was full and the other had some left. I am rolling in Barnes and noble money. But I am going to save them for when I really need them because I am fiscally responsible and already bought some workout clothes today. And feel like I need to stop buying stuff.

[dreamkeepsakes]

~ @pineapplebreeze 📸

[dreamkeepsakes]

I don't think I'm gonna give so much of a fuck anymore.

[dreamkeepsakes]

[household-horrible-lesbian]

Calling my bank did no more good than online banking, seems like. Also the name the overseas call center person used to sound white was my last name that I picked for myself when I legally changed my name for gender reasons, so that was...not really that amusing. I just feel disappointed, sour, and dry. At least it is mundane inconveniences and not, like...current events.

[agapi-kalyptei]

day 90, pt2: on transitions

One thing that I got right is that depression constantly changes, and you're bound to adapt and develop new techniques to new problems.

One thing that I haven't figured out yet is how to deal with sudden changes in mood or health.

Getting flu or some other infection is easy. First you think everybody hates you and that you're a failure. Then you get have weird ideas. You check your temperature; fever; bed. You feel horrible and you can't breathe but you know it's bad, temporarily. You suspend all decisions about your life and your self-worth for a while.

But what if instead of an infection, you get suddenly better mentally? What if your anxiety is suddenly gone? Just look at anyone drinking for the first time. Their inhibitions are gone and they have no clue. If you would take everything out of context, you could probably call then any number of unflattering labels.

Getting better mentally, especially for the first time, is a terrifying thing. If the medication works slowly, you can't tell how you're changing, and your loved ones are also slower to notice. "Can't put my finger on it" type of a problem. When you get better rapidly, it's different kind of bad - everyone is focusing on the stark difference, and you're not focusing at all, because you're not told that idk, the shy humble quiet person has arrogance stored in them, which can bloom rapidly when their anxieties are gone.

One of my favorite cursed memories is from Kalarand, from maybe 2013. I was either unmedicated, or just on Valdoxan, and my hypomanic episodes started making semi-regular appearance, especially with mixed vodka drinks on the beach every sunny Friday. I wasn't even that drunk, I wasn't thinking about it, but I confidently angled my right foot in between Angela's legs, without any clear intention besides just being myself and enjoying the weather and perhaps signalling my availability. Kristel looked at me and shook her head.

The amusing thing is that it's not something I'd ever have planned. I would rather eat my shoes than google shit like "how to act confidently around women" and yet. It was hiding there, awkward as I still might have appeared on the outside, the unbridled confidence and moves that came out of nowhere. None of the bullshit conversations I have in my head when I'm being myself (anxious) have made an appearance. A whole new pattern of communication has emerged, seemingly inherited from a secret Harkonnen grandfather.

This is one of the reasons I'm hopeful about my previous esketamine treatment and the other antidepressant. It gives you a lot of new perspectives, on your life, on yourself, on how you appear on the outside. They might not be all correct or equally valid, but as with any other mental tasks (or crafts or art or skills), the more you practice them, the easier available they become. Am I mean? Am I sleep deprived? Am I insensitive? Am I suddenly too happy and am I ignoring the unhappy parts of my life, or friends who need help, in fear that I'll lose my high? Have I suddenly lost the capacity to fear, and now I'm overcompensating by chasing the risky things I've been ruminating on for ages? How many of them are secretly self-destructive?

And with chronic health issues, if I suddenly feel good, am I getting my life on track, and preparing for the inevitable worse days, or am I like, idk, recording 13 ERSO concerts with 7 cameras producing 5TB of footage that I still haven't edited in seven months?

[agapi-kalyptei]

day 90: on humility

the last dose of antidepressants was, uh, eye-opening and sobering?

I don't want to make dramatic statements like "I'm less autistic now" because even if I was, that's hard to measure, but I found a bit of humility afterwards. Sure, some of it is because of switching from quetiapine to melatonin and sleeping 5 hours a day instead of 7-9.

Still, it feels like a shift in perspective is happening. I'm not defeated and resigned, I'm not repeating my early 20s depression. I'm not overwhelmed as such, but I do see the overwhelming sum of all goals I've set for myself.

Not to be self-helpy about it, but most of my life I got away with setting nonsense goals. "I'll buy a graphics tablet and then I'll make good art." It's not even a proper dream, it's just "Step 1: start a new hobby Step 3: you're good at this" without even the question marks in the middle. No plan, no path to progress, no realistic schedule.

In a way, I got to this point of slightly increased humility gradually. Slowly observing ERSO and other professionals, and learning about their careers and the effort, not talent, needed to be where they are. It's humbling.

When I started learning orchestration, I thought that setting a vague goal of composing something good enough to be played by ERSO in 10 years was realistic. And like. Yeah, it's not unimaginable. But good heavens it would be a lot of work even if I didn't invent new hobbies and distractions like flying a drone, video editing, dating, pancake parties and hoarding instruments. Surely getting more hobbies will help me get to my goals faster!

And I don't care about fame. I didn't before, and I do even less now, but I did previously have more hubris about receiving recognition, even if not personally, for the Works that I'd do. And that has to go. "Oh wow I'm so impressive, I read 2 pages of Resolve manual and followed a youtube tutorial and made a gif with particle emitters, I hope people praise this." So depressingly childish. It's not that I'd need to put 400 hours of work into something to bring joy to people, but the constant second-guessing if I'm going in the right direction and hoping for acknowledgement by peers is unhealthy. Time to grow out of it.

(Without becoming a hermit, but that's for another therapy session.)