#personal brain shit

[dagnystrashzone]

I'm being so quiet everywhere else on the internet but I'm filled with rage and want to scream. I hate that we still have so many mutual friends on Facebook, where so many of them he met because of me. Tumblr has always been my scream into the void place.

When I'd raise concerns about Ms 3 Red Flags in a Trenchcoat he'd either shutdown and give me the silent treatment, or he'd guilt trip me by saying he feels he wasn't allowed to be poly. When you're ignoring your nesting partner's needs and continually surprising me with new partners (despite my being clear that I need advance notice so my nervous system doesn't meltdown. I'm Autistic and sudden new people especially Hey Sudden New People **IN MY SAFE PLACE** is fucking dangerous.) Yeah. That's a case where it isn't really poly, it's fancy cheating you don't feel bad about.

Over the years he kept complaining that we didn't have enough in common, though I gave all his games several tries. Hell, I played WoW for like 3 months, but the grinding wasn't fun for me. He never bothered to try Animal Crossing or Stardew Valley with me. I watched Naruto & One Piece with him, but he couldn't make it through an episode of Cowboy Bebop without whining that he was bored. I asked him to come to a mermaid meet up with me and dress up as a pirate so we could get cute pictures, he said no because he doesn't like pirates. (But has watched all of One Piece) We both love musicals, but he wouldn't listen to any new ones that I liked.

I gave SO MUCH, and the bar was SO LOW. But he couldn't be bothered.

I had a nightmare last night where he kept bringing people to my apartment expecting me to just play hostess and feed and entertain them. He'd just barge in and use all my things and break stuff and got upset with me when I was telling him no and trying to get him and these random ass strangers out of my space. I couldn't get back to sleep this morning. I'm currently staring at a sword I made when I qualed for Kingdom Regent back when we started dating. He used it, and broke it, less than a month after I made it. It still has not been replaced. Last year when after he started bringing Ms 3 Red Flags in a Trenchcoat to Amtgard I told him I wanted him to ask me before taking my gear onto the field. He got buthurt. I was tired of him just expecting he could always use my things. It didn't feel good anymore.

I love being generous, but when it's expected and never ever returned, that shit is fucked up.

[dagnystrashzone]

Void Thoughts are back, as well as betrayal nightmares.

I hate this brain, and I'm so tired.

[dagnystrashzone]

Larp drop, plus exhaustion from a cold that spread through my office, plus shark week, on top of my regular feelings of isolation, has made for a rich feeding ground for the brain weasels. I'm not spiraling as bad as I used to, but it still hurts and takes a lot of energy trying to stomp the weasels out.

And to go more in depth here than on Facebook... larp time vs my reality is a stark contrast. At a larp (and especially at Hawkins where I had the best in game romance I've gotten to play so far) there's such a strong sense of community. And it's affectionate. At home I'm stuck in my room and all my people live on the other side of a screen. I am so lonely in my day to day life, but work and my health have me drained to the point where getting out and doing things in person is such a huge challenge.

[dagnystrashzone]

Self-care Selfie, time for dumping out some big feels on estranged parent grief. Wheeeee.

Then back to work.

[dagnystrashzone]

Feeling very Shouting Into The Void That I Exist lately.

It is not a fun feeling.

[dagnystrashzone]

No self care selfie for this therapy check in, there's another patient in the lobby. It's time for another gossip session with some "oh hey here's some new relationship triggers!" But it's good news, because the effect is different and my regulation tools are far sharper.

There's also gushing about feeling less shame for emoting in public and letting myself take up space.

Progress!

[dagnystrashzone]

The Demi brain is weird sometimes. Literally feels like a switch flipped and now I giggle every time they pop up in my notifications.

Brought it up in therapy how strange it is to have that giddy schoolgirl energy as a 41 year old woman.

[dagnystrashzone]

Self-care Selfie, midday therapy check in.

We used to meet after work, but Kaiser switched her schedule around for in person visits. Today is likely a gossip session instead of a trauma dive because someone new has managed to flip a Demi Switch and my flabbers are gasted.