Jun 19, 2023
emailed about my bike test! doing the grown up shiiiiiiit🙈
somewhere between excited, nervous and terrified.
seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from Russia
seen from Maldives
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from Singapore
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Maldives
seen from China
seen from China
seen from United Kingdom
seen from China
emailed about my bike test! doing the grown up shiiiiiiit🙈
somewhere between excited, nervous and terrified.
The memories I have of good times are not numerous. Much of my life has felt either neutral or numb, speckled with the odd patch of happiness or anguish. If not for the few people who have brought light into my life, I don’t know that I’d have made it this far. I’ve stuck around by making successive short term goals, that while they’re usually easily achievable, are at least things I know I can look forward to, and enjoy once they arrive. Sometimes it’s a road trip, other times it’s getting enough money together to get a friend something they’d been wishing they could have. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting to my next day off so I can try a new recipe, or a special treat I’ve set aside. Until I became an “adult” and moved away from my home town, most of my life felt rather bland and empty. People all around me seemed to be doing amazing things, and striving towards beautiful goals. I felt like a leaf being carried downstream, with my efforts having little to no effect on my destination in life. I thought that maybe I was missing something essential to achieving that “good life” people all seem to have on their social media, and that they bragged about attaining in their yearbooks. But it turned out that all these people had was more experience in pretending to be having a better time. Even after I learned how much people put on a show, I still kind of envied them. At least they FELT things enough to remember “good times” and “bad times.” Most of my life to that point had just been “times.” After a certain point, I managed to meet some new people, which (as it turns out) is crucial for widening your perspectives and developing new ideas. I got the advice to “fake it til you make it,” which by itself was poor advice, but I applied it along with trying to learn more about what makes other people happy, and discovered that making other people happy, especially anonymously, was something that made me happy. People were more open with you if you seemed happy, so they’d talk about things they don’t normally divulge. Faking being happy made it easier for me to learn how to make other people feel happy, even if only briefly. (I also later learned that without checks and boundaries, that it can become a slippery slope into becoming a “people pleaser,” but that is a story for another time.) Some of my favourite memories are of making other people feel important, loved, and thought about. They already were those things, but I helped them to see it. Made me think about myself after awhile, and how if there are this many people who fail to see their own value, maybe I was just missing the things that others see in myself? Perhaps I just need to look at myself little harder, through a less jaded perspective? I’ve found that quite often I’d dismiss people’s compliments as them just being polite. TLDR: I think I’m going to try to see those compliments as more genuine, and stop holding myself to such an impossibly high standard. I’m going to find many more memories to treasure.
hi buckaroos, is m again.
trying her best not to go insane.
dont ask me how im doing, i really couldn't tell you.
we're just trying to fill out this bullshit form again.
so it turns out i can't sell myself.
hell i second guess myself.
just trying to force these words out of my brain.
My girlfriend’s mom is so fucking difficult to deal with.
Among other things, she’s constantly stressing the poor girl out by saying we need to move in to a house. One that she’s probably picked out for us because she’s a gods damned control freak when it comes to her daughter.
Her latest effort is to try and convince my grandparents that we need a big box freezer, which we have no room for in our apartment. As though she’s trying to push us to move out. And she won’t bloody well listen to us protest the idea, because we’re young and don’t know what we need right now.
I’m very tempted to tell her to fuck off and that I’m not going to their family’s tomorrow.
There's an hour to go til Halloween, but I'm so depressed..for no reason at all, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This sucks
.
.
.