#personal cheyenne

[rahabs]

I'm so tired of being left out of things. I was left out of things all the time because of my horrible job that left me completely unable to do anything, and now that I'm jobless and decided to try and do something for fun, everyone I arranged it with has decided to bail on me at the last second. Meanwhile, I've paid money I don't really have to go to this event and now I have no one to go with, again, just like every other time I've tried to arrange things--my birthdays, the few times my bands have come out west, etc. I'm so tired of having to go to everything alone.

[rahabs]

Anyway for those considering law, let me save you a few thousand dollars and your sanity: don’t.  Most lawyers don’t make the “big lawyer bucks” and it’s not worth the toxic culture that is endemic to the practice of law in North America (I have it on authority from my American friends that their process is very similar to Canada’s).  It’s not worth senior counsel yelling at you.  It’s not worth the stress and the expectations that you never have a life.  It’s not worth being verbally berated in front of your colleagues both when you’re there and when you’re not because of some perceived slight.  It’s not worth being blamed for literally everything even if it’s not your fault.  If you live, breathe, and exist solely for the law, then you might enjoy it one day, but if you’re just going into it because you need money, there are other, better ways to make it that won’t make you so miserable you stop being able to get up in the mornings and you cry before, during, and after work every day.

[rahabs]

Can you put “crying at my desk because I hate my field and I’m so tired of being told I shouldn’t have a personal life” as a non-billable time entry?  Asking for a friend.

[rahabs]

So tonight I ordered food from a local pizza place because all I can eat without feeling sick these days is pizza.  The delivery driver contacts me and says my buzzer is broken… which I know it isn’t.  I used it to get in my building earlier because my keys were at the bottom of my grocery bag.  I’m annoyed because I’m sick with COVID (so there’s a reason why I said to leave it at my apartment door) and because I’ve had a string of issues with shitty/lazy delivery drivers who just don’t want to actually deliver the food, and this guy was rude, so I figure fuck it, if he gets sick now I don’t care.

So I go down and guess what?  He’s not there, and he’s marked my food as delivered.  I text him, no response.  I finally call, and then he has the audacity to tell me that I should come to him because he’s in another building.

I tell him no, I will not leave my building and walk to him.  It’s his job to deliver my food to my building, and I’m not walking around in the dark because he got the wrong address.

He gets agitated and keeps insisting.  “It’s only one minute away!” he keeps saying, proving he knew damn well where my building was the whole time, and I keep refusing because by now alarm bells are going off in my head and I’m genuinely starting to get scared.  “No, I will not be leaving my building to walk to you.  Bring me my food.”

But he just keeps repeating “it’s only one minute away” until eventually I lose my patience and snap at him and tell him absolutely not, and that he needs to give me my food, and if it’s “only one minute away” then he should have no fucking problem making the walk himself and giving me the food I paid for.

So he hangs up on me after telling me “fine, I will come” and steals my food :)

Uber refunded the whole thing and I submitted a Safety report about the driver and I reordered on a different delivery app (Skip), but this is just the most recent in a deluge of really freaky delivery driver experiences I’ve had after years of no issue.

Anyway, I’m not ruling out the idea that he had nefarious reasons for doing what he did, so stay safe, ladies, and don’t let a belligerent driver try and pull this on you.  Delivery drivers should never, ever try and insist you leave your building/house and meet them at another location.  Report them and get the refund.

[rahabs]

I just... I.  Hate myself?  So much?  I don’t... I don’t know what’s wrong.  The doctors have looked at everything which means the problem is in me but I’m doing everything I should be doing and it’s?  it’s not Working.  It’s getting worse.  We’ve run so many tests and nothing and all we can say it “maybe hormones idk” and.  I don’t want to look in a mirror anymore.  I cannot fucking stand what I look like.  How much weight I’ve gained and we don’t know what it is and I exercise intensively 90 mins every day... I’ve cut back even more and it doesn’t.  Work.  Nothing works.  All that progress... gone and I dont even know why so I cannot fix it and I I hate myself so much I want to smash all the mirrors I don’t want to look I can’t stand to look I can’t I hate it nd whatever it is i’s my fault and nothing I do works anymore and I wish I’d never done it in the first place because I had a taste... of how Wonderful it is to feel confident, to feel good about my appearance and it’s gone and i’m left with the knowledge that those four years I spent have been completely reversed and the flashing 170 that stares back at me from an illuminated screen because i have gained back now 50lbs in an amount of time that should be impossible esp for how much I eat and exercise and I want to carve it out and god I feel so fucking hopeless and worthless and the pain is back and it settles in my knees and hips and the fault must lie with me, it must, there is no other explanation but we cannot find out wht it is and im left with the knowledge that i have once again faild utterly in something important and im

I can’t even concentrate enoguh to read anymore... I just drift...... i try to write and I think?  Does it matter?  Who reads my drivel?  I sit and I feel the new folds and I just want to weep

[rahabs]

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to those who took the time to leave a kind, supportive word last night.  It meant a lot.  I... am very “going through the motions” today.  I’m very tired and didn’t sleep well and I am feeling very discouraged and beaten down, and my three hour seminar this morning did not help, but I am trying to find something positive to look forward to.  I’m one of those people who doesn’t deal very well with not being able to immediately tackle and fix a problem (it is a control issue that stems from my severe OCD and I recognise that), so the fact that I can’t seem to do anything to fix this one is just.  On top of everything else going on right now it’s a lot.  I cannot control the police state my country is turning into.  I cannot control so many aspects of my daily life anymore.  And now I can’t even control my body, the one thing I have left to me.  It’s a lot, and I am no longer dealing with it well, and it makes me very, very tired so I did just want to say thank you if you left a message last night and even if I didn’t respond (I was crying a lot and was just mentally and physically exhausted from a week of successive migraines) I saw it and appreciated it.

[rahabs]

🙃 Mm.  So my baby sister, eighteen, nearly eight years my junior who moved in with me, confirmed that yes, she thinks I’m weak and five seconds from a breakdown at every point.  She confirmed this because when I opened up by saying that I am tired of everyone in this family hiding things from me (and not little things, big things like deaths, etc) because they erroneously believe I am weak and five seconds from a breakdown at all times, her response was to hunch her shoulders and give this little Look that she has and say, “well yeah, you are.”

In other news I want to bail on a walk with a friend because he is a guy and the only guy I trust right now is my close friend of twelve years; my weight continues to climb to the absolute bafflement of my doctors, my therapist, and my personal trainer; I no longer fit any of my clothes, and I cannot buy new ones because I keep outgrowing them too quickly; it’s cold and grey and snowing; my idiot provincial government is thinking of lockdown round fifteen; my idiot federal government is composed of a bunch of corrupt, convicted crooks; my family thinks I’m weak and do not take me seriously and apparently it is my fault because “[I] let [our parents] do everything for you” (which is both not true and especially rich coming from the baby of the family, who has had everyone do everything for her her entire life); I have a thousand and one papers and words don’t want to come out; I have a million and one final exams that I have given up on because I am so far behind on I will likely fail; and every single time I try to take a step to address any of these problems I get met with a wall of resistance, both from my own body, which does its best to betray me on a daily basis, and from my family who, again, think I am some pathetic little weakling who cannot do or handle anything on her own because they think I am mentally weak and fragile, because once I was open and honest about a struggle the way they always said I could be and now they think I’m a child who cannot do anything for herself.

And to think I was looking forward to today and naively hoping that because I got extra work on my paper done that maybe.  Maybe today might be good.

[rahabs]

Being a First Nations woman just sometimes mean you are typing quietly away at a paper on conquest and treaty-making and law (European narrative vs our traditional narrative) and then you are just suddenly overwhelmed by everything that has been lost and for a life you never had the chance to know, and then you realise that you started crying silently at one point?  Awkward, really.