#personal crud

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Cheers to the upcoming year, me. I hope you have things figured out even more so we can stop hurting ourselves with worry and never let ourselves get chipped away without doing anything about it.

Focus on me. Others can handle it on their own. You are done with them. 

It’s our turn.

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My own two bits on the whole discourse about recent events in boku no hero manga... long post incoming

Firstly, y’all need to chill (and honestly stop attacking mangaka for shit you just want to be social justice warriors about, stop it *bats with newspapers* now)

No where, and I do mean no where (since I just binge read this whole thing) was shown that Todoroki family forgive Endeavor or excuse his past behavior.

Second, what you all need to understand is that relationships, abusive or not, are not so fucking simple. You need to realize personal experiences and various events that time throws at characters makes them take different actions (because woah holy shit nothing stays still and the same, things change, what a concept, right?)

1. This isn’t a redemption arc for Endeavor. Nothing will redeem his actions. Nothing will change what he did to his wife and kids for a goal that is now gone. This is about him for reasons Hawks mentions, the fact that he IS now number one, that all hope people have lay on his shoulder now and not Allmight’s any more. His goal was to be number one or secure his offspring to be powerful. He is now number one but not through his plan of being a damn hothead egomaniac but actually because people NEED him. He now has to act for others, again, just like Hawks said. And he did. Not hard to understand. (Thanks Villy for pointing this out)

2. Him sending flowers to his mentally sick wife is not him asking for forgiveness. It’s showing he cares but knowing he can’t fix anything, it’s why he respects the boundaries and doesn’t disturb her. He just wants her to know he’s changing to a more understanding person but also knowing the damage was already done. So relax, she’s not gonna go running into his arms like nothing happened. As she said, she is mentally scarred and can’t see him nor is it a good idea. And he understands. However, he had a chance to approach Shouto. He tried. Shouto gave him a cold shoulder. Endeavor didn’t pursue further. He then just shown support from afar because Shouto really doesn’t need him.

3. His kids obviously hold a grudge still and with a reason. Again, don’t worry, it’s like they will just suddenly forget about it. Forgiving is another thing and that will fully depend on them. Please remember that not all abusive relationships and standpoints are the same. I’m not saying they should forgive him, heck no... he honestly doesn’t deserve it, in my opinion. He also doesn’t deserve to be killed. Jail... yeah maybe if setting wasn’t the way it is. Also story telling factor. Why do you all keep forgetting this is fiction...

4. Speaking of fiction as a factor here, please realize the issue is not about Horikoshi presenting characters unrealistically if they were part of abuse but that the only unrealistic thing about this is abuser changing for better (big thanks to Doomsy who also has an abusive father for insight on all of this matter really, it helps me, and hopefully you, understand things a little better). Story wise, we honestly don’t need a character who isn’t even a true villain (but would count as antagonist at first) but just a grumpy dumb narcissistic father to stick around in the story, it’s fucking pointless. We all know in real life things don’t work out that way or that simply. Keeping that aspect of Endeavor in the story leads nowhere and actually giving him a chance to change for better is a good opportunity for the current events in the story and even character development, even for Shouto and not just the persistent flame dad. As said above, his selfish goal was reached by means he didn’t want and realized how there are more things than just being the fucking best and having a cool kid to be the best too. What IS realistic is for people to have their viewpoints completely changed by simple events. It’s what happened to him. The reason it’s positive is because it’s more interesting than just forgetting an actual important side character and not giving him a chance to grow at all. It’s okay, you don’t have to care but some readers might, please be insightful about it.

5. Abused don’t have to necessarily hate abusers. Hating a lot of aspects about the person that abuses you is what normally happens. People can still love the said person even if they were abused by them. Surprisingly for you, tumblr folks, nothing is that simple. No person is JUST evil. I met a lot of people who do abuse my friends but were pretty chill and understanding with me. I don’t excuse their actions because of that, I just know it’s not that fucking simple (and this might not be the best example but you get the gist of not everything is so black and white). They have their own reasons, even good ones sometimes but approach it with such horrible ways and manner it results with abuse. But it’s so much easier to label someone, huh? Too bad, life doesn’t function that way. Shouto shown he still cares for his father. I thought you fans would know what a kind kid he is and how understanding he is too. He would never want his father dead. He doesn’t forgive and forget the abuse but he doesn’t want his father gone for good and forever because of it. He just wants to grow without him around and that is the most fair thing all abused people want. Just to be happy and grow, not think about hate because it’s fucking pointless and brings unhappiness.

6.... no, got nothing more, just me wondering why everyone is so hateful and against positive growth of a fictional character. Are you all really that certain absolutely no one, even in real life, doesn’t deserve to change for better but you prefer to have them being terrible and bring more equally stupid decisions as before? And again, for a character that’s not even a villain but an important side hero character? What the hell man...

7-10. Fucking leave Horikoshi alone. Leave any producer or creator alone you fucking cowards. Attacking on such level is going off the hook and you all need to control yourselves a little more fitting to your statements that are apparently of a grown person like you claim to be. Don’t be a fucking child over FICTION. Don’t read or watch a thing, just don’t support it and leave it alone if it bugs you so much. Literally get bent to have fun and not be hateful little shitheads, we, the folks who just want to enjoy something, would greatly appreciate if you did that. Thank you.

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Thinking about things I have to do staring today and after a busy weekend makes me not want to leave this bed for next two weeks...

I have idea more or less (but not confidence) that I can pull off everything on time but it's without any room for a break. I need to finish and read/study things I need for exams next monday, after that I'm in a clear and just have to prep, print and study one subject by friday. Chibicon lasts 3 days plus an evening on day before so I have no idea how I'll pull off at least 15 more small paintings, a larger fully done painting and a study for psychology for these 3 days. After chibicon the exams are in the morning so I will have time to study during that week in the afternoon and evenings while also doing tidbits for other exams that week. Then that weekend, a new semester starts in manga workshop which means extra work with possible new students and new lessons for the old ones. With that, our school break is over and im monday morning next semester starts...

.... Maybe I'm just really tired at the moment but I really wish to just sleep and do nothing all day... At least for a day... But didn't expect I would get so busy at the workshop this weekend and hoped I will have more time to do more stuff for school but nope... I dismissed the fact that comics kids made had to be edited and such...

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I sit and think how it's odd that some people I was very close with were comfy enough to open up to but how little in common I actually shared?

I mean, for me, to be quite honest, I'm not a very interesting person to begin with. Even so I have my interests and viewpoints I felt like sharing with close peers back in the day but it somehow... Really wasn't landing or clicking right. I kind of just thought I suck at expressing through words because some of them were really good at it and I would just need time, finding proper words and explaining in coherent sentence to keep attention was difficult.

Albeit I also had moments where I would show or ask to watch stuff I like but kind of ended up with "it's not my thing let's skip it sorry" and I would just roll with it.

I noticed before distancing from said peers I'd shut down about them because of it. In contrast, I would sit and watch or listen to things that aren't my things but still end up learning and experiencing because it's interesting, even if I wouldn't personally seek out the said interest. I got to experience it with peers and it's what matter to me more than actually getting hooked as well.

And thinking about it some more, I will never regret I was like that within the said friend. It does, however, get to me I didn't really get to express interest with same openness. Even if they are nothing as interesting.

And now that I took myself out of the whole position of being with said people I realize I really wasn't clicking. At all. Maybe with few individuals but that's about it. It's not like I had or have to fit, I just wanted to chill with people I trusted but the feeling of being out of place would be in the back of my head.

There are few moments in past that cling to my memory as unpleasant experiences due to how (possibly unintentionally) dismissive of my expression and interest they seemed.

I can separate two people I'd say were more responsive towards my interest and they were really people I found a lot of comfort in but I'm no longer on touch with them due to various life circumstances and overall change.

No one is blamed mind you. It's not really an issue or people being dismissive or anything. I'm just unusual I suppose. I would like more chill and open friend group or individuals in the future, is what I'm saying. That is... If I ever get over my current issues and social burnout that's been lingering for almost three years now.

I'm still tired but I also miss having company like I had years ago. I guess I'm a little lonely for some mutual understanding and common interest. It does explain why I'm online often. With the pandemic it's not like I want to or am ready to go out and seek people in person. I still haven't ground myself fully yet either, after the shit that broke me completely before pandemic started.

It's slow but I'm here.

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like literally no one has to like me if they don't feel comfortable around me any more, not even folks who may or may not consider me a friends/mutuals/acquaintances/what ever

if I'm troubling you in any sense or way to the point that it's ruining your mood/health/overall experience and existence then just move on, it's fine, it's not like I'm the same person anyway and I'll just wish you all the best on your way forward and that's it

I'm fairly content with the idea that people, friends and family will not see me or threat me the same way again because it would be unrealistic to do so and nor do I want them to

Plus I'm out of energy of worrying what people think or how they feel about me overall so yeah

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Just a random thing that’s been on my mind lately while thinking about myself (which is much necessary)

Putting it under read more since I’ll be on about my body and probably unusual viewpoints of it so if the subject of body and looks stresses you, better not read into it~

I don’t really have a proper idea or consciousness about my body. It’s just there. My mind doesn’t really connect myself to it nor do I care much about it, as long as it properly functioning for me to, well, function with daily and necessary stuff without much struggle

I lost the worry about my looks which I did had about a year or two years ago. The fact that I was/am a bit on the chubby side use to hit up my anxiety like super hard, to the point that I would either unnecessary freak out, break down or lash out on others.

I don’t know what happened after that I started to feel... well, not comfortable with my body but just kind of “eh it’s there, I just need some clothes/shoes for it that’s comfy, that’s it”. It might be the newly discovered fact that I do lose weight quite a lot if I do a lot of physical labor and that as long as I do it I’m good. Also the idea that I’m not just chubby but I’m lucky(?) to be averagely strong and mobile. Like, I genuinely have SOME muscles under that fat.

Does the fat bother me though? Yeah but literally only for stupid inconveniences like finding clothes the right size, bending over to tie my shoe and bunch of stuff like that, which now isn’t as much of a freak out for me as it use to be.

What’s weird is that I don’t have full or clear picture of my looks. Looking into a mirror doesn’t feel strange but it still feels I’m watching someone else that I can feel is me. This has nothing to do with any socially constructed idea of what a person should look like, it’s more of my own psyche having this dissociative relationship with my physical self lol. That sounded so weird to say but it’s the best way to describe the feeling.

When ever I picture myself without a mirror for what ever reason, I forget to add a lot existing features to my look, even if I see my body and face in the mirror every day. I think the freak outs from earlier had to do with me thinking or wishing this is how I’m suppose to look but I do not but it actually turned out to be that I just never have a clear image of myself present. At all.

It doesn’t bum me out, I’m not upset about it (any more), I lost the care and worry I use to have about it but I can’t tell if that’s good or not...?

Like, I just do what’s socially needed for me to be presentable, mixed with what makes me feel comfy and good. It doesn’t particularly mater to me in person, as an individual. Does it bother me to go out with a supper greasy hair? Sometimes, but my brain doesn’t connect that to me being me, and it’s only because I want to avoid possible social awkwardness. Does short hair look good on me in personal opinion? Yes but what really matters more to me is how comfortable it feels and not how good it is.

Even so, I have trouble picturing myself at all. If I think of me as me I will basically almost never describe my physical looks, what my genes pulled from my families, what’s the most striking feature on me... It really doesn’t matter to me because, I guess, what really makes me feel like me is the head, what’s inside and how I feel. (does this connect to the fact that I have problems with visually memorizing faces or that I honestly don’t care how other people look? possibly)

This is also probably why I feel so absent as a person when around people. I feel most comfortable just existing there, listening, sharing a thought if I have anything to say or what ever and that’s it. Body is just a taxi that needs maintenance lol. If I could just astral project at places that would be great *shot*

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What do you mean I'm out of my free hours time already and have to go to sleep right now so I can wake up at 5am with little less regrets about leaving the bed?

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I don't wanna leave the bed today