rhymes-with-hell replied to your post: We had a family dinner tonight for my sisters...
If it makes you feel better, and literally no offense is intended here, but in this case your mom is way ahead in the jerk stakes. Assuming you would stay with no prior agreement is a lot jerkier than simply… going home as planned. Family obligations are tough and heavy, obviously, and your mom may be offended, but from an outside perspective you didn’t really do anything jerktastic.
Thank you, and I mean, rationally I know you are right. But theres a lot of other bullshit going on in my feelings zone.
My dynamic with my mum is that she denies she needs any help, and then sends really subtle shaming signals when I don’t help, because what was I even doing anyway? And family is so important, etc. So I either just do what I know she wants me to do, like stay overnight and help out tomorrow, even though she hasn’t explicitly asked me to, just sent some pretty strong signals and made some assumptions that work for her
or.... I dont do it, feel incredibly guilty (because this exact dynamic has been in existence for as long as I can remember), and prepare myself for whatever future comments or implications she will make, which (although I’m 99% sure shes not conscious of this, she just does it because it works) will make me feel like I’m a terrible person because I didn’t do what she didnt ask me to do but clearly wanted.
lots and lots of therapy have made it so I can clearly see this shitty dynamic playing out. but my emotions just aren’t there yet. I still feel guilty. I still feel like I’m a terrible person. I still want to be able to keep her happy. I’m working on feeling my anger towards her, which is helping to alleviate some of the guilt.
