Woke up in a sweat at 6AM from a nightmare, and I know it’s come on because of what I talked about in therapy yesterday, so I figured I’d transform it into some words of positivity:
It’s OK if the idea of having kids or getting pregnant makes you terribly uncomfortable. It’s OK if you’re afraid or disinterested, or even borderline phobic about it. It’s OK if you block kids-positive posts. I don’t think I’ll ever make peace with the idea of getting pregnant because for really specific reasons, it terrifies me beyond my ability to describe. It’s OK if you feel that way, too. And it’s especially OK if you don’t want to phrase it as, “this is me responding to a trauma”, and instead fall back on the shorthand “I don’t like kids.” Nobody has to know your deeper, personal reasons for feeling the way you feel unless you want them to.
It’s OK if you get frustrated or hurt by those “girls are precious, blameless, holy creatures uwu” posts. It’s OK if you have to look at those posts constantly, and all you can do is seethe as you’re reminded of the fact that your abuser is a woman, be it someone you dated or are related to or just know in some way. It’s OK if you continuously block those posts. I don’t think I’ll ever really come around to that way of thinking, despite falling back on it as a crutch now and then because of my issues with men, because my mother is my abuser. I love her with all my heart, but she fucked me up so much, for so long, and I’m the one left having to piece myself back together.
All of the genders--all of them, every single one--are capable of cruelty and harm and hurt. Women aren’t somehow inherently more compassionate or kind or caring, even if that’s been someone else’s experience. It’s OK if that isn’t your own experience. That’s not your fault. You are never to blame for someone who hurts you, no matter what they say or how it may seem.
Wanting validation from the people you love and care about isn’t needy or shameful or wrong. Just make sure you aren’t going out of your normal behavior to get it: don’t think you have to change or “act hurt,” or be cryptic and coy. The people who care about you will continue to care. Sometimes that isn’t always easy to say, but it persists no matter what.
Think of it like a heartbeat. Your heart is always beating happily away, even if you aren’t always aware of it. Love is like that. Caring is like that. It continues, even if you don’t always notice it. My best friend and I sometimes go weeks without talking to each other, and that’s because we have our own lives to live and our own problems to bear, but we still love each other. We still care for each other--we’re still there for each other.
Ultimately, the most validation you should seek is from your own self. Be proud of your accomplishments, no matter how small. Cheer yourself up, pat yourself on the back. Make and keep yourself as close to happiness however you can. I know it’s hard. I know it’s tempting to fall back on old, comfortable habits that involve criticizing yourself or dressing up the world to be this awful, hideous place. But those thoughts aren’t helpful. They’re more of a weight to crush you than anything else.
You will always be there with you, through everything, good, bad, and inbetween. You know exactly how to help yourself and what kind of help you’ll need--and you deserve that. You deserve a happiness that is the best fit for yourself.
Look after yourselves, and be kind.
