#personal post ibnida

[letsyeah]

it’s been a long time that i don’t post my face here.

[letsyeah]

I hate thoses days that I can barely keep a conversation with people... I mean, I WANT TO TALK, I HAVE A LOT TO SAY but I can’t say a word and when I do I sound boring or awkward as fuck... Why...

and that’s one of those days.

[letsyeah]

Some clouds are finally covering my thoughts, but not completely.

I’ve been talking with my mom about those weird thoughts that I’ve been having and how sad it makes me. I’ve been reading about it on web, and praying to God so this can finally disappear. I know it will fade away, but not automatically. 

Maybe I let my spiritually away because of the (fisical) church. I forgot that religion isn’t about going to the church every sunday, but having my time with god, and connecting with him the way I can actually feel my spirituallity.

I’ve passed to some internal struggles before and eveynight it seemed that something was going to grab my soul so I couldn’t live anymore, it was by the beginning of 2012 when I found out I wasn’t approved to UFRJ and the guy I liked didn’t like me back - as always - and a lot of pression about religiosity coming from the church I used to go. 

I started Universitiy right after, by march and some stuff made me better and I also got attached to INFINITE as a back up of my life, so, seriously, Infinite, thank you for saving me.

But know that kind of bad feeling is back, I feel it burning on my chest.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed but I will surely look a psicologist so I can understand what’s going on my mind and make some mental exercises so my struggle can die. But I hopely think that by the end of this month this will be gone. I’m making my mind busy and when those thoughts comes I try to make them away by thinking about other thing. By the beginning of the week those thoughts were strong, as a dark paint over a paper

Now it feels lighter, it’s going away, the burning feeling is getter smoother... I’ve praying all night, reading the bible after one year... Making my own link to God.

- not sure if it makes sense but i just needed to but it out as an exercise. =)

[letsyeah]

Blogging maybe is the way to put my feelings all out

Back then 2012 when I just got into uni and right after it got on a strike I used to have a lot of weird feelings and I used to post some stuff on tumblr and it mande me better. Until last year everything was ok, but now I’ve passing through some punk times and seems that my mind isn’t working very well. I’ve been acting like a robot. Waking up early, going to uni, back at home, scrolling whatsapp, srolling facebook, twitter, tumblr. “Nothing new”. “Yup. No one cares about you, Letícia.” Doubting if anyone would ever care if I suddenly was gone, you know? And feeling alone, missing the fact of having a boyfriend but everytime I caught myself thinking of him I remember how bad to me he was. Well. I need to keep my mind busy, so those and some more thoughts can be gone. I need to fulfill that space that makes my mind ask me if is everything really alright or if I’m lying to myself.

nah

[letsyeah]

Tô postando em português mesmo. Dane-se.

Eu realmente não sei o que fazer e nem por onde começar, cara.

Eu vejo as pessoas na minha sala todas bem encaminhadas, todas já fizeram algum curso ou são auto didatas mesmo, daí eu fiquei um tanto reflexiva e pensei, pensei, pensei, pensei.... cara, por qual razão eu não levei desenho a sério antes? por qual razão isso ficou num nível tão superficial pra mim que eu não me aprofundei da maneira que deveria pra me tornar o que eu quero ser?  Eu acho que eu me limitei por muito tempo e esse limite faz que eu não entenda ou nem tente melhorar. Cansei. Dá tempo de fazer um curso de desenho por fora? Não. Vou pedir transferência de curso? Não. Mas vou me esforçar ao máximo pra conseguir o que eu quero.

Sem planos.

Sem ideais.

Vi que funciono melhor assim.

[letsyeah]

i need money and a 457458447858 hours day.

ugh.

i want to do a lot of things

i want to practise my drawing skill

i want to study korean

i want to get good grades at uni

srsly what should i do

[letsyeah]

now that i watched today's gayo daejun i feel back to my inspirit feels. i mean, damn, whatever, i like them, it doesn't matter if they are a bunch of beginner-i-don't-know-wich-camera-to-look-on-stage-rookie or if they are rocking every stage. bleh i just like them so much

[letsyeah]

one more year... seriously, what's wrong with me? why can't i get off of my cocoon?