#personal postes

[skeltonjunction]

tumblr user skeltonjunction BSc

[skeltonjunction]

my years-long insistence that i am not sure for certain whether i'm autistic so won't consider myself as such today comes to an end. my parents got new couches and i'm on the verge of a breakdown over it

[skeltonjunction]

i don’t want to write a cover letter waaahhh where's the button that says "give me the job"

[skeltonjunction]

honestly. i do my nails one (1) time and now i suddenly understand what self care is all about

[skeltonjunction]

cringe post incoming

i've been biting and scraping my fingernails and the skin around them since i was 6, i think. got the habit from my mum. occasionally tried to kick it but ended up uh, relapsing? is that an appropriate word for this? anyway. never lasted long. generally said i "didn't have nails" as they weren't useable for the things you use your nails for. skin all around them is jagged and sharp and pretty much always bleeding on at least one finger.

couple of weeks ago i noticed that my nails were long. like, a few of them reached the ends of my fingertips, actual white tips of the nails level of long. realised i must've stopped biting as much without even thinking about it. immediately went into town to get some of that growth + strengthening stuff and a nail file. figured now i'd paid attention to it i'd immediately ruin it again, but guess what: i didn't! still accidentally ripped bits off when they broke and haven't quite stopped scraping, but removing, moisturising, filing to a manageable length + shape, and reapplying the polish has been a nice little routine to go through when the urge to do Something to my hands comes up.

only issue i found was with trying to shape them — specifically working out what angle i should be filing them to. not sure how best to describe it but they detach from the nail bed (?) really far up my fingers, at uneven angles, due to all the years of fucking with them, and my thumb nails especially are really fucked at the inner corners due to me gouging the skin out, so they look like they're growing diagonally. it's pretty hard to get my eyes around how they're meant to look and what direction they're going.

so. about 15 years after the birthday party i once went to that involved all invitees getting their nails done and the nail painters scowling at me for having nothing to paint, today i bought actual coloured nail polish for the first time ever. mostly so i can see the actual shapes of my nails.

i should've gone for a lighter colour cos i wanted it to not be noticeable but the lighting in the shop and the selection both weren't great, it's messily applied (never done it before, dyspraxic), occasionally smudged or full of fingerprints (impatient), and the skin around them is jagged and has holes in it (probably gonna have some permanent scarring even if i do manage to stop entirely), but whatever.

behold:

quite literally the best they've ever looked, which isn't really saying much but listen. this is an achievement TO ME. i've always avoided ever showing my fingertips in photos etc. got really good at angling my hands away or curling my fingers in a way that still looks natural whenever they did show up in pictures. and they still look like shit but they look so much less like shit than they ever have before and i've been losing my mind over this for about 3 weeks. literally the only thing keeping my mental health in the positives rn. look at this shit. wow

[chronicallykatie]

I'm so so so sorry if I haven't messaged you back in the last week or so!

I've been exhausted and really busy. I still love you!

[chronicallykatie]

I need a good spoonie friend.

Or a few good spoonie friends. Or just any friend.

I'm so tired of seeing everyone on tumblr and facebook, and even real life, talking and joking with their close sick friends. I feel like I don't have that. And, you know what, its really lonely.

I'm not good at making friends. I don't have many. I'm ridiculously awkward and hate getting a hold of people. I feel like they already have their best friends and I don't want to but in.

If any one ever wants to talk about anything, I'm here. I'd love to be your friend. 

Also, I know this is a long shot, but do any of my followers live in NW Pennsylvania?