around the same time all this was happening, there was another assassination attempt on the president back in the US. I sometimes struggle to explain to people like my parents--and I don't know if this is an "autistics versus neurotypicals" problem or "millennials versus boomers" problem or something else--but it's kind of ridiculous when the nice normies act surprised pikachuwu when this happens, because as someone who just stews in trolley problem discourse like it's the air I breathe, I feel like the difference between myself and an assassin is one of degree, not of kind.
But it's a pretty important difference in degree! There's really no risk of me attempting to assassinate anyone any time soon! I would really hate to miss my target and accidentally murder some random bystander. I don't get to go cool things like go and see penguins from prison. I don't get to excitedly infodump about polar exploration in prison--
Context: (re)reading some of the Arai Les Misérables manga and having thoughts. (In many cases about the novel itself, it's a pretty detailed and faithful adaptation, not just things that were introduced in the manga.)
The Elijah and Ruth parallels are things that had struck me a while back but I'm not sure I'd ever gotten around to sharing them outside maybe griping to my parents. These are both stories from the Hebrew scriptures, I'm reading them with a specifically Christian lens.
TL;DR: Champmathieu is the guy who is arrested and mistakenly accused of being Jean Valjean. Mayor Madeleine is like, "what do I do, if I save him, I'm risking the livelihoods of all my factory workers and all the good I've done for this town, and I promised Fantine I'd help her with Cosette." It's not a very utilitarian story. (See also: Ninety-Three for more of Hugo not being utilitarian.) Finally he's like "I guess I'll try to save him." But oh, the town is too far away, he can't make it. Whew, guess he's off the hook. Except wait, there's one horse that can take him there. Ugh, fine. But no, the horse breaks his shoe, so he's stuck. Except there's one blacksmith who can repair it. Etc. It's just a protracted "fortunately/unfortunately" story. Fate gives Valjean every chance to back down, but he can't, he has to be the martyr.
(Content note: the Bible; content note, vaguely suicidal ideation but nothing active/imminent.)
Ruth 1
Naomi: I'm an old widow, there's nothing left for me, I'm going to go back to my homeland.
Daughters-in-law: We'll come with you!
Naomi: Okay this is silly, go back to your own people.
Daughters-in-law: No, we'll stay with you!
Naomi: This is ridiculous, I'm old and gray. Go home.
Orpah (sobbing): okay, fine, I will, but I'll really miss you!
Naomi: Good, now you.
Ruth: No, I refuse.
Naomi: ...fine.
Second Kings 2
Elijah: The Lord is sending me away, you stay here.
Elisha: No.
Elijah: Okay look, the Lord is sending me away, you stay here.
Elisha: I will not.
Elijah: Buddy it's time, the Lord is sending me away, you need to stay here now.
Elisha: I refuse.
Elijah: ...okay whatever.
From the broader context of these stories, Ruth and Elisha are portrayed as heroic and in the right for these decisions!
And there's a very important lesson here for young autistic people. When the adults or the neurotypicals or whoever are like "okay, your job is done, you don't need to be perfect, you're off the hook," they are lying to you. They are speaking a secret language and expecting you to read their minds and continue self-abnegating for The Cause, until all the problems in the world are solved, because if you don't you're not good enough. Never ever. Until you, like Valjean or Javert or Gauvain or whoever, get to drop dead and be free from your burdens. That's what the Bible says.
Recently got back from an incredible vacation with my parents, there was a lot going on beyond the scope of this post. But. This was just the first couple days.
It was raining in Cape Town our first day so we drove around and saw some museums, etc. without getting out and walking around. Then it was like, what's going to be open on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe the natural history museum? Okay good, I like science museums, that's probably more fun than some of the alternatives.
Early on they have this huge slice of a tree trunk with a history display of events that happened during the tree's lifetime. Now, I know museum displays like this, there was a similar tree exhibit at a museum near where I grew up, and they had to adjust the display labels for being too problematic, etc. And I knew that there were some shoutouts/memorials etc. at places where the Terra Nova stopped, like Melbourne and Canterbury. I hadn't heard about anything in Cape Town, but I couldn't help but wonder whether this tree had some Edwardian-era historiography. So I glance down at 1912 and...there's nothing, stop being hyperfixated, go enjoy the rest of the museum.
Okay. Wait.
1914?! I could maybe understand 1913 with a "there was a lag for the rest of the world to get the news." But. HOW do you get 1914. Whatever, I don't care. I don't know what an Argosy monument is but I'm here for it.
But first there's the rest of the museum to see. And. It's a science museum, there is a whole exhibit about South African Antarctic (islands) research and stuff!
This picture did not turn out, but it's the equipment of the first South African Antarctic explorer (as opposed to British people who moved their later), his nickname was "Hannes" and that's carved into his ice axe :)
You know how Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni? Get a load of these little dudes:
So after we left, I was like, "um, do you think we could maybe go see the Argosy monument?" and both of my tour guides, to their credit, were like "I have no idea what that is, but sure, we can try." Adderley Street is a pretty important main drag that we'd passed by earlier, and going back and forth with Google, it was like, "okay, I think we want lower Adderley, which direction is lower," but fortunately the guides/drivers knew that. Earlier in the day we had seen the statues of Jan and Maria van Riebeeck, the founders of the Dutch military colony of Cape Town. "This is actually where the waterfront would have been when they arrived. Of course there are several blocks of land between here and the shoreline now, that's what happens when your city is founded by the Dutch." Lol. And then my dad spotted this...
"And four guys?!?!?!" -Cherry-Garrard, probably.
Turns out an "argosy" is a ship statue, at least in this case:
My mom: trying to read the weird nested letters and abbreviations
me: trying to keep my infodumping within socially acceptable levels
The tour guides: this is great, never heard of this but now we have something else to include in our tours!
So the next day we went to the Cape of Good Hope, and I figured I might as well roll with the theme...
And then slightly up the coast, on Boulders Beach, there are penguins!! These are the African penguins, aka Cape penguins or jackass penguins (their braying sound during courtship is apparently donkey-like)?
I took this one--if you look closely, I think that might be a parent and chick nestling together in the little indentation?
Then a couple days later in Franschhoek I saw a fancy guesthouse labeled the "Apsley House," which probably has nothing to do with anything, but at that point I couldn't help being primed to notice it. (There is apparently a luxury brand in South Africa, and a townhouse of the Dukes of Wellington in London, of the same name, none related as far as I can tell.)
Meanwhile, my brother usually lives about an hour away from me, but he's spent the last few months living half an hour from my parents because of stuff for his job, which is why he wasn't able to attend. Well, recently he has also been polarpilled by way of Hampton Sides books. Total coincidence, we had not discussed it together. My dad is a huge library nerd who has yet to acquire an e-reader, so every time he sees me with mine he's like "you get books from your library? How does that work? What about renewals? Does your state do interlibrary loan?" Etc., etc. "Interlibrary loan is great, I picked 'The Worst Journey in the World' up for [brother], but you can't renew it since it's not from our system." "Aaaaaah that's the one I'm unhinged about!!" "Really? I had no idea, I just Googled 'best Antarctic books.'" "Well it's in the public domain, so if he hasn't finished it, or started it, yet, not to worry..."
Anyway. My parents are great, and incredible at putting up with me even when I'm being extremely, and self-consciously, emotional and hyperfixated. And even people who have normal amounts of Penguin Feelings will definitely get amazing Penguin Feelings out of Boulders Beach!!
i just finished thg, I'm real proud i did it, bc it was such a good investment and i thought the feels were scattered perfectly along with the high action dying parts that were also peppered perfectly throughout the novel I'm really glad thanks y'all
I've been through so much to become the person I am today. Im not perfect and never claimed to be, I know how fucked up I really am. Im not entirely okay with who I am, but I am who I want to be and I work very hard to be better each day. I can wake up each morning and say I am happy of myself. I don't want to chance because someone can't accept me. I deserve to be accepted for who I am flaws and all. And if people decide to walk away they will miss out in who I really am, and who i will become and that's okay because im better off without someone expecting me to change. I will forever be me and that's all I can be, take it or leave it. I refuse to be anyone else.
3 years ago okay, it shouldn't be this fresh in my mind to remember that I needed you to be there and you weren't fucking there. You let me deal with it all by yourself because I was young and you thought I would make the decision that would make things easier instead of giving hell for the next year and a half. I helped prolong him and you hate me for it, but I hate you for not offering the same courtesy I hate you so much because if you had put in half of the effort I did in keeping him here, he'd be alive right now and I wouldn't be battling with this sudden bout of depression when I don't know where to go.
I'm trying really hard to interact as normally as I do any other day but it's not normal to type it out the way I should react and sit here crying and feeling like I'm losing it. I just can't.
This time last year, I was sitting in a hospice with my dad crying because my grandmother turned to me and told me "This is it, he's going to go with God tonight." This time last year, I had to look at him and watch him forget who I was already because he was in so much pain. This time last year I had to fight with my mother because rather than trying to console anybody she chose to call me out and tell me I need to cut out beef in my diet because I was getting too fat.
This time last year, my dad died in his sleep an hour after I called the place to ask if the terrible sound he was making from his throat was something called the "death rattle" and they told me they weren't professionally allowed to disclose that.
I can't fucking live with these images anymore. I can't live with remembering becse I want to forget but I can't.
I never really post personal stuff on here, but right now I am.
so basically TL;DR
I've been really depressed lately, more so than usual, everything makes me so sad. I can't even place exactly what is wrong, but there's something that just isn't clicking properly. I don't let anyone in, no one knows anything about why I am this way, mostly because I don't want to burden anyone with problems that aren't their own.
I have nothing to complain about, my life is pretty awesome, I have two good jobs, an apartment and a boyfriend who I absolutely adore. I never saw myself coming to this point in life, I always expected to have one shitty job, an armful of friends that could care less about me and a generally terrible outlook on life. I used to stay awake until 10 a.m. every day and sleep until I had to be into work.
Every night for about 2 weeks or so, I watch television with Ryan and watch him fall asleep. It seems like the second he's asleep I'm alone, and I start thinking, and I get really upset and frustrated and sit in the living room or out on the porch and just stare blankly, thinking.That angry, sad, frustrated feeling carries on to the next day and it just continues and eventually I'm going to get worn out. I can't do this staying up until4 a.m. thing being sad thing anymore.
I don't know what to do about it. I feel alone, but I'm not. I feel upset, but I don't know why. I'm always assuming the worst in every situation. I'm paranoid beyond all belief. I need help, but I don't want it. I don't want to be a pathetic sad kid anymore.
I’ve got you down, I know you by heart, and you don’t even know where I start.
there are times when i know i would be so much more secure and happy with someone else but i keep thinking about your lips and your breath and being in your arms and how on days ending in ‘y’ i would rather spend every second with you than anyone else. and i keep thinking how i don’t feel right with anyone else because you left your mark a long time ago, and i guess why i’m so sad lately. the prospect of losing you due to your lack of commitment terrifies me but i just don’t think moving on is a possibility at this point.
