#personal----------

[telafel]

maybe going out of town will be good for me, clear my head. so i can stop crying over not having friends to do things with when im actually extremely hard and a pain to get along with and maybe i’ll stop being mean to myself and thinking like that or something. 

I dunno. I’m looking forward to maybe eating at a restaurant for the first time in over a year [the state is opened at partial capacity and everyone I’m spending time with is fully vaccinated and been so for 2 weeks or longer]

will be nice refresher at least. haven’t been out of town since before covid started and will get to see the town i might move to

[telafel]

I hate that I'm starting to understand my mom's frustrations and how she acts at home. It really is difficult having most of the responsibilities of taking care of the house shirked onto you

love my bf but I keep telling him it'd help if he sometimes gave mignon food so she'd be more comfortable with him and get used to him, but he says no, he scares her, so I have to do it. I also have to clean her litter box. I have to refill her water. i have to spend hours in there to befriend her, socialize her. i mean i'm happy to do it, i'm happy to take care of her, but he tells me just ask him to help but when i want help it's like 'lets do it monday.'

or like. the dishes pile up and bf will just start using plastic forks from take out and then i'll just do the dishes i guess.

there is a mess in the hallway, just some spilled potting soil, that's been sitting there for a week. i know i'm going to have to do it myself.

he promised to help me with an assignment i was struggling with today and it morphed into 'well if you need help ask me' like no that's not what you promised but fine

and all that on top of doing classes and other obligations, and wanting to spend time as a couple together, and wanting to take walks to be a little more healthy i'm so tired and only have so much time to do all i wanna do

[telafel]

monday night we found out that my nephew’s dad died suddenly

tomorrow I have to help break the news to my nephew that his dad is dead. 

this is something i never thought I would ever have to do in my life. how do you tell a kid that one of their parents is dead. I’m still wrapping my head around the death itself and emotionally i don’t know how I can handle this. I want to cry just thinking about it

[telafel]

broooo i hate my fucking period like full on it’s 180′d my train of thoughts from ‘okay i can handle this stuff’ to just vomiting negativity and feeling shitty at me all while making me physically tired to an extreme degree, like slept in, even had vitamins and coffee and still could barely stay awake or function and then like oh yeah can’t eat much because nausea and when i do eat i feel so bloated and then guilty because I feel like shiiiiit

i hate this shit. I feel like i shouldn’t be so horribly wiped out, essentially KO’d whenever i have my period but I know if i go to the doctor again it’s just gonna be ‘lol ur just fat shut up’ thing AGAIN. 

[telafel]

Therapist: you have control over your thoughts, you can kick out the negatives ones. Remember “you can’t control who comes to the door but you can control if you invite them in”!

but like what if i slam the door on those thoughts and they just seep through the door and let themselves in anyways

how do i control that

like how do i make myself not have that sinking feeling in my gut that also saps enjoyment out of things, that convinces me slowly but surely that i shouldn’t say anything because what i say isn’t worthwhile, that convinces me that everything subpar i do is worthless because it’s not The Best so i shouldn’t bother doing it to begin with. I hate this i hate my brain and i wish i could just STAY content without shooting myself in the shoot with thoughts like this. 

[telafel]

anyways im painfully aware im not really good enough on my own and end up always overlooked and just ride on peoples coat tails to get any attention 

[geese-howards-transscriber]

Why Does My Mother Take 4-5 Hours to Bathe When There’s Only One Bathroom: a memoir