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#Personalconfessions

so i guess im getting ignored by him again, which is really fucking irritating. thats the worst feeling of all. if you dont want to fucking hang out just say no. i fucking hate being ignored. i feel like its the worst because when i fell hard for someone thats how they broke up with me... its hurts so much

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so normally i post when im feeling upset. but i also want to keep track of my ups and downs. and today i am feeling okay. i am hanging out with old friends which is nice because i dont normally hangout with like....anyone. Im still really anxious to get that 240SX. man i cant wait. i need to hurry and buy it. i think once i have about 1200-1300 i can post in 240sx owners group that i am looking to buy one. because cash talks. even though the last drift event was only a couple days ago and the next one is on march 5 2 months from now, im still really excited about that because it means i will have most of febuary to practice my street drifting. and the sponsors are excited to see me run too. i swear its all i can think about. and so about 'guy' i felt like i was being too over bearing and kinda getting clingy. my mom also made me realize i have abandonment issues which is fucking retarded because i just want to be a normal ass motherfucker. anyway, im really proud of myself. we hadnt texted much since the event and i had texted him last but he never replied, usually i would text him sometime the next day. but i didnt because i wanted to take a step back and have him come to me for a change. and i thought he just wasnt going to text me back at all, but i then he liked some posts of mine on fb and i liked a couple of his and he eventually texted me and was very interested in me and my day and how i was and am feeling, etc. it was really nice, it made me feel good and like he cared, but even if he does or doesnt, it was still nice and made me feel better. i feel like i win for once haha now i know how to play this all and its awesome because i had to time to mull over what i thought about the whole situation. so i took a step back and it was nice. i feel good

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What I learned from my past relationship?

I would like to start by saying no, my past boyfriend wasn't a terrible person. Really he's good in my eyes as more of a friend, if you have him as that you know he's a nice guy, it would have been a lot better if friends was all we were.

In that past relationship, I literally never felt good enough. I was always compared to other people, he would constantly tell me "she's beautiful" then when I would ask about me, he would say "Oh I obviously think you're attractive it's different". I don't know how I was expected to believe that when I was constantly discreetly being torn down, which I doubt he ever even noticed. I am not one of those girls to lash out at someone even if I'm dating them, because they're not "mine" they have the free will to do what they want, I don't own or control them. I would act mad at the situation when he'd bring up how beautiful a girl was to me, yet when we broke up he said he never realized and that I never showed him, even when I directly said I'm not good enough. I feel as though when you're dating someone you should NOT brag about how pretty or gorgeous another girl is that is disrespectful and can make someone feel terrible about themselves.

What I learned is if someone continues to make you feel like you're not enough, if they make you question the type of person you are, no matter if they try to make up for it; if it continues to happen you need to let go. No one deserves to feel so crappy about themselves compared to the rest of the world. These days girls beat themselves up enough for the way they look, they don't need other people doing it too.

I would also like to say just because someone may not be your "boyfriend material" doesn't mean their not a good friend, I mean you need two very separate things from a friend and a boyfriend, and sometimes there may be a fine line, you may have to cross that line to see which you two can & should be.