#personalshiznit

[cha0s-emerald]

Ever since I came out internally and made a couple steps in my transition, I take so many pictures of myself. 70% of my phone is filled with pictures of myself

and it’s ludicrous because a mere 7 months ago I could barely even look at myself in the camera

[mimiari]

The more and more I think about getting into a relationship

the more and more I think ... it would be so cute and nice to have an adorable girlfriend (or boyfriend) who adores me and I can adore them. 

but the bigger side of me is like mehhhh ... yeah... no. I’m not ready and I’m listening to that side because it knows me best but it’s just really, really humbling, I guess, to know that people are attracted to me (because I’m cute as fuck and a lot better IRL than over this internet thing). 

I’ve been feeling really anxious over the holidays and despite having to let someone know that “I just want to be friends” this week, I’m good. 

I’ve been having bad anxiety over the holidays but I spent plenty of times with friends and family and I think I’m getting better and into the holiday spirit. When I’m not feeling so good, I want to isolate myself from people, but ya kno’ that’s not the best thing for me. I’m glad I’ve gotten through the brunt of it. 

I think I’m just rambling now and should be helping my sister make cookies but wanted to update this

oh

ALSOO I bit the bullet and bought myself a tablet. I told my family that’s one of the big things I wanted for the holidays (and it’s not something I feel comfortable spending that much money on myself despite having the money but I kept feeling frivolous and guilty ) so they pitched in and I ordered it and I should get it before the holidays (and hopefully before Christmas because I want to draw holiday pictures). Now the only other thing I want for holidays is socks, comfy sweaters, and a heated blanket. 

[mimiari]

This is more of a flow of thought so it might not make too much sense, but that’s the way I write.

It’s funny how after I admit somewhere that I am not feeling good and that I’ve been feeling like crap how much lighter I feel. So I spent most of yesterday trying to organize and clean up things and I feel so much better about that. Walked about 1 1/2 miles and started watching Transparent (I’m on episode 4 and I dislike everyone but Maura). 

Still, I sat down to try and think about what things were bugging me and figuring out why and some things were petty so worked on letting THOSE go... one of the more serious things that is bothering me is that my sister’s coming home from San Francisco later this month. We get on a little better than we used to when she was in MA. 

The thing that is bothering me is that I know my dad might know that she’s coming and then he might ask us to share a meal with him. I haven’t seen him since my birthday in July. We live in the same state and less than 20 minutes away from each other. And maybe it’s not entirely his fault that we haven’t seen each other but it’s always kinda been like this ... months of not seeing each other. It’s just starting to feel awkward and I’m not going to lie about totally beginning to feel bitter about it because I feel that as my parent that he should show some interest in spending time with me. I don’t want the only time I see him to be when my sister visits or for my birthday. I’ve been thinking about contacting him but it’s difficult because I’m angry about him not being the one to reach out. So I’ve been slowly trying to work out these feelings and working to forgive and it’s hard, but hey always trying to become a better person. 

[mimiari]

Used the personashiznit because periods? 

I went home early from work because I wasn’t feeling so great 

And I feel guilty like maybe I shouldn’t have left but at the end of the day I was glad I left because I fainted when I got home. I’m feeling kinda better now though ... just very achey. 

I just started Birth Control and this is my first period on it and it’s been an absolute nightmare. I’m keeping a diary so the next time I talk or go to the GYN, I have stuff written down that I can refer back to. I don’t really feel nauseous but it’s just so much more uncomfortable than the ones that i’ve had in the past. It’s just so much heavier and I’ve been packing extra EVERYTHING. I nearly started crying when I realized that I exhausted all that I had brought. LIKE PROPS TO YOU ALL WHO HAVE PERIODS AND JUST BLEED RIVERS .. I NEED YOUR TIPS AND TRICKS BECAUSE THAT’S JUST SO MISERABLE BLESS <3 

And i’m in a lot of pain. I’ve been irregular and then had periods (haha) of regularity all of my life. This last year I was having 2 periods a month and they were very light so this one feels like a monster. Nonetheless, I’m trying to get things to go “normally” so maybe this is just part of that?  I’ll read more into it and actually consult doctors but this was something that I felt that I wanted to ramble about because I felt very distraught. I feel like a person just having their first period haha like I’m totally relearning what the hell my body does during this time |’D ;;;; Sorry ... not sorry... if this is gross to anyone but you really didn’t have to read this far.

[mimiari]

I’ve been having a hard time this week

and I don’t know if it’s because we’ve had to say goodbye to a couple of people on staff (and I’m going to miss them)

or because these people are leaving and/or retiring, my work load has doubled and therefore I’m a little more stressed than usual

and personal things have eased a bit since my uncle, but something serious happened a couple of weeks ago and we’re STILL trying to figure it out (translation: my family has a history of substance abuse and homelessness) 

but I have all of these exciting things I could be doing and participating in (i.e. new RP groups)

and all I feel like doing is curling in a ball and doing nothing

I have been pushing myself to doodle, but I’m not liking a lot of the stuff that I’m producing 

and I want to have fun

I think I need to exercise some self-care. I feel guilty about it because I only have so much free time nowadays

uuughhh

[mimiari]

Some more stuff happened today and I really can’t write all of it here. It’s just seeing my 15 year old brother in so much pain hurts me and then seeing my mother tell him to stop being such a “drama queen” is so not the way to handle things. So I just spent an hour alone with him unpacking all of his feelings and it was hard. I have to figure something else for him because this will not stand.

[mimiari]

Ever since that thing happened a couple of weeks ago 

I’ve just been feeling so negative

and maybe it’s because I have so much busy stuff going on in my work or in my personal life

but I’m feeling more insecure than I usually think I am 

and therefore a lot more in need of reassurance

and a lot more in need of comfort 

and I feel like that’s annoying and shit 

but I had to write it somewhere else 

because aside from my friends in RL and that are near me 

like no one really knows what to do in this situation and I’m here just trying to figure it out

my family doesn’t really understand why it bothers me and no one really wants to talk about it

and all I’m trying to do is cheer myself up with all sorts of things 

and talking about groups and RPs and the Book of Life and Pacific Rim

but on the bright side I met some really inspiring people today

[mimiari]

Drawing is really making depressed today. 

I’ve made it a point to use as few resources as possible when drawing, but this anatomy really sucks and I know it. Still, it’s better than I probably could do before. Working and not practicing drawing has really sucked whatever talent I may have had out of me. 

Or maybe it’s because I’m trying hard to push me out of my comfort zone of just drawing outfits, single poses, and bust shots.