November 23, 2018
Dear Love,
I am back in the same spot I always am in. With me ‘coming down,’ people being rude, and me thinking that I am unable to cope. It is hopeless to see myself as a free person. They say it is you that I must talk to but my phone call to you the other day made me think that nothing that people say is real. I can not trust them for anything but what I am supposed to do? I have to listen to them, I have to take their shit, which I am sick of. It seems that they continue to bring the world to my doorstep; although I am thankful for the help last night, I never appreciated being left alone that much. I needed that moment to myself; not to think of a new ‘lie’ or strategy but to rest. Unfortunately, these moments don’t come that often and what I really need is for me to have a moment to myself without doing anything or possibly something. I am not sure yet. I don’t really have a plan. I just think that it would be the best thing in the world to think of something, like a dream and be able to break it down without someone making a rude comment. No such luck though and that is why you are probably seeing a different me. An angry me, a person that doesn’t ‘care’ although quite the opposite is true. I do apologize for calling you out of your name and constantly being mad at you for what seemed like bad reasons but I believe in being treated like a person who has rights. I do not like being harassed by ‘people,’ constantly pestered, and trivialized until I either get mad or start to cry. I can not understand why people seem emotionless and empty as if they are no longer human. What is their deal? I hate feeling like I am the only one at fault. I hate being blamed for things that I can not help at the moment. I hate that ‘they’ can’t have some compassion and help me out in my situation or at the very least leave me at peace.
I do apologize if this second letter is not as romantic as any other previous writing’s that you have seen from me but as of late I been feeling down and as if this must be my lowest point in my life. I got kicked out of the University (withdrew), I talked to you (YL) about our friendship possibly being over, which saddens me, people are still harassing me, my dad still has cancer, my mom is tired of working with no 401K plan or savings, and at the end of it all I am still an addict. Eight months later I still find myself in the same situation that I was in back before all of this whole ‘Pertuvio’ thing started. I hope I get my freedom soon and I get to talk to you about everything or nothing. Either way I just want to let you know how much you mean to me. I don’t think that anyone could understand. I was surprised when we talked over the phone how close we have become, I felt something, was I wrong? I’m not saying it was love, just saying that there was (is) definitely something there, like a connection, no matter how much you proclaimed that we are only friends and that maybe even that might not work out I still have love for you and hope you change your mind. I hope that I am not wrong, because regardless of what happened in the process of getting to know each other I hope that you saw that I put one-hundred percent of my heart into this story. You saved my life more than twice these last two months and although you may not see it I still love you. Unfortunately, you might not feel the same so I do have to close up a little bit of those feelings that I have for you so that I can move forward with my life. Coming back to LA will not be easy. I do feel like a failure. I hope you understand and I hope that maybe one day, even si es de pasadaI can show you what I mean when I tell you that I love you. Take care.
There is beauty in the struggle
PS-the rose is for you