still [toppdogg, pgohn]
help me breathe // rated T // 4,701 words
Sehyuk comes back and tries to make things right. (He feels better, but he doesn’t know for how long.)
--
“Tell me what happened.”
Sehyuk stiffens, just a bit. “What do you mean?”
“Look, Sehyuk,” James says, sitting on the edge of Sehyuk’s desk, “I know something had to have happened. You haven’t told me anything at all about what you used to do, you just told me you were into some bad stuff and then moved over here. But, like… it had something to do with Dongsung, didn’t it?”
Sehyuk sighs, closing his textbook begrudgingly. “God. I didn’t want to tell you because I still have to spend two more years with you and I didn’t want you to think I was… I don’t know. A monster.”
James looks offended. “Do you think I’m that much of an ass that I’d write you off just on your past? Tell me what happened, I wanna know.”
Sehyuk takes a deep breath, leaning back in his chair. “There’s sects over here, right?”
“In some of the big cities, yeah.”
“I was the leader of one, one of the… not biggest, but most famous ones in Seoul.”
“Holy shit, dude.”
“And I was a shitty leader,” Sehyuk says, with the intent to squash down any awe James might be holding. “Dongsung… god, I don’t want to tell you what I did to Dongsung.”
“Well, better now than later. Might as well just say it.” James is quiet for a moment, then he sighs and says, “Come on, man, really. I’m not going to think less of you for anything you did like, what, fifty thousand years ago.”
Sehyuk smiles, barely. “I destroyed him. I did things to him that I shouldn’t have and stripped him down into the ideal person that I wanted at the time. He protected me, kept me safe. For a long while he was… all I had, and when he slipped away I panicked and ruined things even more. Sorry doesn’t cover anything I’ve ever done to him but he still accepts it, he still…” Sehyuk trails off, pressing his fingertips to his eyelids to ward off tears. “I ruined his fucking life and he still loves me.”
“Is that why you cried, then?” James ask, then clarifies. “I mean, when he texted you ‘I love you’ a couple months ago. You were a mess, dude.”
Sehyuk nods, laughing. “Yes, that’s why. I couldn’t believe it, I mean- I suspected, I suspected that he was still… not right. That’s the only reason why he feels like this, still, and I’m sure of it. Give him some years and he’ll be over it, he’ll- he’ll remember why he wanted to kill me in the first place and we’ll be done again.” Sehyuk lets his hands fall away from his face, staring up at the ceiling instead of at James. “Maybe that’s best.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you’ve got this for now. You’re going back to Korea to see him next month, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. I promised him I would, and I don’t want to disappoint him anymore than I already have throughout the years.”
James is silent, thoughtful. “Did you mean to?” He asks, eventually. “Did you mean to ruin him?”
“Oh, definitely, at the time.” Sehyuk replies, and the words seem far too casual to his ears. “I had unrealistic expectations of what my sect members should do and be for me. I shoved Dongsung into that mold and he filled it out perfectly within a few years. And I feel so fucking bad.”
“What was he like, before? Do you remember?”
“Mean.” Sehyuk taps his fingers on the edge of the desk, trying to remember, thinking back to the young man with the bright blonde hair, fire burning in his eyes. “Loud, and inappropriate. A good cook. He tried to kill me the second day he was there… I told him myself to kill me within the first month he was there. He didn’t do it either time, as you can see.”
“Mmhm. And… what is he like now? I mean, I’ve talked to him before when you’ve been on call with him, but I just… y’know.”
Sehyuk can’t even think of the words to describe it, too many he could say sitting in the back of his throat. “Sweet,” he settles on, at least for starters. “Devoted. To me, the wrong person. He’s… happy, he’s happy. And I don’t know how he is when I’m still here, in his life.”
“Maybe it’s time to stop wondering those kinds of things,” James offers. “Stop thinking you’re the worst person on planet earth. A man cannot become trash as long as he lives.”
“You stole that from a fucking manga.”
“It serves its purpose, Sehyuk.”
Sehyuk chuckles, holding up a fist. James bumps it with his own. “Thanks, for not killing me.”
“It seems like you got plenty of death threats in the past, you can do without my contribution.”
James goes back to his own work, which proves to actually be texting his girlfriend and not any real work. Sehyuk opens his textbook again, staring at the marked paragraphs that his professor said they all had to read. The ink has smudged into the yellow highlight a little bit.
“I wish I’d never turned out like this,” Sehyuk whispers to himself. James, thankfully, isn’t paying enough attention to hear.
During his flight, Sehyuk reads through his and Dongsung’s conversations.
Sehyuk deleted every single text from everyone when he moved. He kept his number the same but nobody bothered to text or call him, most likely figuring (correctly) that he wouldn’t answer. So, the first text from Dongsung is,
Dongsung: It was nice talking to you tonight I hope we can do it again soon
Sehyuk still remembers it, the awful burning in his chest when James tapped him on the shoulder and told him some dude named Dongsung called you. Beyond that, he remembers seeing Dongsung while he was browsing for a register to check out at, seeing Dongsung with newly cut and dyed hair hidden beneath a hat bearing his company’s name and resolving to talk to him, just once. Sehyuk knew it would have been better, in the end, if he had found another register and left the store without Dongsung ever knowing he’d been there, without him ever knowing that Sehyuk had even been back in Korea. But Sehyuk was very near desperate to know if Dongsung was doing okay, if he was healthy and safe and happy.
Once upon a time, Sehyuk didn’t care about any of that, not even for himself. Now, it’s all he wants for everyone around him. (But maybe still not for himself.)
Their conversations are awkward, clipped, single word responses most of the time. The majority of the messages from the past few months are asking nothing but ‘are you free?’ and ‘can I call you?’.
Conducting most of their conversations over video call is somehow harder for Sehyuk, because even through a grainy camera he can see the way Dongsung looks at him. It… complicates things, to say the least. Sehyuk had no problem with being friends with Dongsung, truly wanted to because he still wants to make sure Dongsung is doing well, but Dongsung loving him twists the knife in deeper for both of them. Even if Dongsung doesn’t know it yet, Sehyuk already does.
Sehyuk knows a lot about Dr. Lee Seoyoung, just from Dongsung. Dongsung goes to a therapist, because of Sehyuk. He tells Seoyoung about the things Sehyuk did to him and how Dongsung is moving on and coping with it. He tells Seoyoung about how him and Sehyuk are friends now. Seoyoung tells him it’s a bad idea. Seoyoung is right.
But Dongsung always did listen poorly before. Sehyuk shouldn’t have expected anything more from him now.
Sehyuk and Dongsung are friends. Sehyuk still has not told Dongsung that he loves him, even though as of recent that’s all Sehyuk can think about. He has always loved Dongsung, and always wanted Dongsung to love him back, but the shred of love that bloomed that night in the market is something Sehyuk put there himself a long time ago. There’s no way that it’s anything but that.
Or, maybe Sehyuk is still dwelling on the revelation that he had when his bravado first split. Stripping all the walls he’d put up to keep people out and to keep himself in check left him with only the fact that he was never deserving of what he thought he was and spent his whole life trying to prove to himself and everyone around him that he was.
Sehyuk almost chuckles when he thinks of what James told him. A man cannot be trash as long as he lives. It’s easier to tell himself that he is than to tell himself that he isn’t.
--
The first thing Dongsung does when he sees Sehyuk is pick him up, easily lifting him into his arms and kissing his cheek as fervently as he can. It honestly scares the shit out of Sehyuk and he scrambles to hold onto Dongsung’s shoulders, laughing nervously.
“I’m so glad you came,” Dongsung says, loud enough that Sehyuk can hear him over the din of the airport lobby.
Sehyuk waits to reply, Dongsung’s hold on him tightening slightly. “I am too,” Sehyuk says eventually. Dongsung’s face lights up with a smile.
Sehyuk is staying at Dongsung’s apartment because Dongsung told him not to bother finding someplace to stay for a month and a half when he could just as easily stay with Dongsung for free. Sehyuk was wary at first, but in the end decided he’d rather not spend his money on housing when he had an offer open for him right fucking there.
Dongsung catches Sehyuk up on what he’s been doing as they drive over, which ends up being not much. Dongsung still works at the same place after two years, he’s friends with Sehyuk’s old friends in the South Sect now due to Yoori, and he talked to Hansol the other day.
Sehyuk offers a briefing of his life in return, talking about tests he passed and failed and his new lab partner and how he’s on the dance team now. Dongsung is absolutely enthralled and calls it exciting. Sehyuk laughs.
Dongsung explains that he has no guest room once they get to his apartment and Sehyuk tells him it’s fine. He’s not opposed to living out of his suitcase for a month and a half, and also not opposed to the couch.
Despite it all, it feels familiar, even though Sehyuk’s never been in Dongsung’s apartment before now. Maybe it’s because of Dongsung himself: bangs grown too long and hanging in his eyes, fingers fidgeting with the edge of his coat, mouth quirking up like he’s about to say something.
They’re things Sehyuk remembers from before. He remembers cutting Dongsung’s hair so it wouldn’t block his view and remembers folding their hands together so Dongsung would stop moving them and remembers telling Dongsung go ahead, dear, say what you want.
It hurts.
--
“Can I…” Dongsung says, almost too quiet for Sehyuk to hear. They’re watching a movie together and Dongsung’s hand is hovering above Sehyuk’s head.
Sehyuk figures that Dongsung wants to pet his hair, so he nods. He was right, and Dongsung sets about stroking Sehyuk’s hair gently, pausing to pull through tangles or rearrange it slightly.
“Your hair is so long now,” Dongsung says simply, twisting a bit of it around his finger. “It looks good on you.”
Sehyuk smiles. “Thank you. James keeps telling me to get it cut.”
“Don’t,” Dongsung whispers.
Sehyuk stays silent, focusing his attention on the movie they managed to catch on TV. It’s some sort of horror flick that Sehyuk thinks he’s seen before. As the heroine is hiding in a closet from the killer, Sehyuk says quietly, “Why don’t you hate me?”
Things stay quiet, for a long while, as the heroine is injured badly and stumbles out of the room. She searches for her love interest, who was shown half-dead in the garage a few shots ago. Dongsung’s fingers pull stray hairs away from Sehyuk’s neck.
“I don’t know,” Dongsung replies eventually. “I- I was sitting here, trying to really think of a reason that would… make sense. … I guess my reason is that I don’t want to.”
The heroine finds her dying lover. She cries. “You should,” Sehyuk murmurs.
“I know.”
The love interest dies with final words on how to defeat the killer. “Why don’t you want to hate me?” Sehyuk asks. “Even- Even if you couldn’t, in any way, you should still want to, I think. So why?”
Dongsung gathers Sehyuk’s hair into his hands, like a ponytail. He holds it for a few moments, then drops it. The surviving characters band together again and work off of aforementioned dead lover’s dying sentiment on how to destroy the axe-wielding serial killer who’s been plaguing them. “Because I don’t have anyone else, Sehyuk. I mean… sure, I have friends, I talk to them and everything, but… even though the circumstances were worth hating, we’ve known each other for long enough that I can’t- I just can’t.”
Dongsung is quiet for a few beats. He starts fiddling with Sehyuk’s hair again. Sehyuk keeps his eyes on the screen. “You want me to hate you. Is that it?”
Sehyuk closes his eyes. They burn, and he’s not sure if it’s hot tears or from lack of blinking. “I do, yes. Not because I don’t want to deal with you, but because I don’t want to hurt you.”
Screaming from the surviving characters. Something that sounds like the rush of a fire. “You won’t.”
“I will.”
“You won’t,” Dongsung repeats firmly. Then, softer, “Were you always like this, on the inside?”
“What do you mean?”
“Sad. Small. Convinced you’re… I don’t know. Convinced you’re worthless.”
Sehyuk bites his bottom lip and wills himself not to tear up. “Yes. Yes, I was. Confidence was always an act, on my part.”
Dongsung seems to bypass everything else he wants to say and instead says, “I love you so much.”
“And that’s because I forced you to,” Sehyuk replies. Dongsung tugs at a bit of hair near the nape of his neck in response.
“Don’t say things like that. It’s because I want to. It’s- It’s because I always have.”
They’re speaking in circles. Sehyuk opens his eyes, and his vision swims, but he can still see the heroic death of one of the main character’s best friends. The serial killer’s house is up in flames. The heroine is still alive. “I’m sorry.”
Dongsung puts his arm around Sehyuk’s shoulders and pulls him closer, tucks him against his side. Sehyuk puts a hand over his face and chokes down a sob. “I’m sorry,” Sehyuk repeats, “for everything, for everything I’ve ever done. I wish I hadn’t, I wish I could take it all back and be- be something better.”
Dongsung kisses the top of Sehyuk’s head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize to me anymore. You won’t do it again, right?”
Sehyuk does sob, then, hand falling away from his face. He wipes it on his pants. “God, god no. I would never, you- you’re doing so- so well, even… even with me here, me still in your life. I feel so bad.”
Sehyuk curls in on himself, bringing his knees to his chest. “I can’t leave it behind, Dongsung, it’s been almost three years and I still- god, I think about it all every day, every single fucking day. I just want to get over it but I can’t, I’m so…” Sehyuk covers his face with his hands again, trying to stop the flow of tears and failing. “Shitty, I’m so shitty. I’ll never stop being shitty on the inside, Dongsung, I’m so horrible. I could do something horrible again at any moment because it’s what I’m still used to and I’m so scared of that. I’m so scared.”
Dongsung stays quiet, letting Sehyuk’s muffled rambling carry the conversation. He does, however, pull Sehyuk closer.
“I’m sorry,” Sehyuk says again, then adds, “for crying, this time. I’m a mess. Do you want to love a mess?”
“I already do,” Dongsung replies quietly.
Sehyuk takes a deep breath, resting his hands on his knees. The credits are rolling on-screen, names Sehyuk doesn’t recognize. “I love you too. So, so goddamn much.”
Dongsung brushes his hands through Sehyuk’s hair, then takes his face gently in his hands and wipes his eyes with his thumbs. “We’ll be okay,” Dongsung says softly, shifting so he can kiss Sehyuk’s forehead. “I love you.”
Sehyuk nods, snuggling into Dongsung’s chest. “I’m sorry.”
“Shh. Don’t be.”
Sehyuk’s not sure if he will feel any better in the long run, but for now, he does.
--
Sehyuk spends three weeks of his time getting over himself, and then he calls Sangdo.
He uses Dongsung’s phone because he’s not sure if Sangdo would pick up if he called from his. Sehyuk stares at the wall as the phone rings, and he kind of wishes Dongsung wasn’t at work right now. He could do with a hand hold, maybe.
“Hello?” Sangdo answers, eventually.
“Hi,” Sehyuk says, meek.
A long stretch of silence, then, “Sehyuk?”
“Surprise,” Sehyuk replies with a weak laugh. “I called from Dongsung’s phone because I didn’t know if you would answer if I called from mine.”
“Holy shit, alright. I- I mean, I would have, but I understand. Uh,” Sangdo is quiet for a moment, “how are you?”
How is he, indeed. “Fine, I suppose. How are you?”
“Alright. Dealing with my ungrateful kids that can’t even take out the trash.” Sangdo laughs, then inhales, shaky. “Where have you been?”
“Has Dongsung not told you?” Sehyuk asks.
“No, he hasn’t told me anything. He told me that he saw you, but that was last year… I didn’t know he kept in touch.”
“Ah, well. I’ve been in America, Sangdo, I- I’m one year away from graduating. From college, I mean.”
“Holy shit,” Sangdo says, and there’s an emotion in his voice that Sehyuk can’t quite place. “Wow, Sehyuk, that’s- god, I’m so proud of you.”
Ah, that’s what it was. “Really?” Sehyuk asks without thinking.
“Yeah! I’ve- I’ve been really worried about you, Sehyuk. I know that sounds silly, taking into account everything you’ve ever done to me, but I- I don’t want you to be unhappy, Sehyuk, I was really hoping you would… do exactly what you did. Clean yourself up and make something of yourself.”
Sehyuk feels a pleasant emotion settling in his chest. He’s not sure what it is. “Well, I’m getting there. I’m- I’m going to be a businessman. I’m doing well in college… I had a job but I lost it a couple months ago, n-not because of me! The diner went under.”
“Aw, man. I’m still- god, Sehyuk, I’m really just… so proud of you.” Sangdo sounds almost a little tearful. “I’d- uh, I’d really love to meet up with you, how long are you going to be in town?”
“For another week or so. Um… this weekend, maybe?”
“Sure! This weekend sounds good.”
--
So, this weekend it is.
Sehyuk asks Dongsung to put his hair up, and he’s surprisingly good at it. Sehyuk can see both his and Dongsung’s reflections in his phone screen and Dongsung looks very content, pulling Sehyuk’s hair up into an artful bun. It seems like Dongsung is going for messy-but-not-too-bad, and Sehyuk likes the way it looks on him.
“Thank you,” Sehyuk says once Dongsung is done. Dongsung leans over to kiss the top of his head and instead of a stab of hurt, Sehyuk feels only fondness.
For all Sehyuk looks nice, Sangdo looks nicer, dressed casually but elegant. After all these years, Sangdo is still better in the end. It’s stopped bothering Sehyuk at last.
Sangdo stands as Sehyuk approaches and, surprisingly, wraps him into a hug, holding him tight to his chest. Sehyuk, for once, hugs him back with just as much intensity.
They sit down and Sangdo looks so thrilled. Sehyuk feels almost the same.
Their conversation is much the same as the one they had the other day, a rehash of their individual lives over sandwiches, which both turn out to be fairly boring. Sehyuk eventually cuts away from the small talk and says, “I- I was wondering if you could pass on a message to your sect, um- Hyosang, in particular.”
“Mmhm, what is it?”
“Uh… just an apology. Sorry will never suffice, so I’ve got… a lot more to say, but in the end…” Sehyuk looks down at the table. “Just, sorry.”
“Well, you could tell them- him- yourself.” Sangdo says, and Sehyuk feels his eyes grow wide.
“No, no, I- I would never do that to Hyosang, he-”
“He’s fine, Sehyuk.” Sangdo interrupts. “I would have to call ahead, but he- I’m certain he would be able to handle it. Maybe not without a few choice words, but he would.”
Sehyuk inhales. “Could we do it today?”
Sangdo shrugs. “Depends on who’s home. I know Hyosang will be, and chances are Jiho and Hojoon are as well, but Byungjoo is gone most of the time and I have no clue if I’ll be able to get Sanggyun over on such short notice. You know, since he got married, he’s gotten so damn dodgy of parties and dinners and the such.”
Sehyuk snorts. “Just like a young married couple, always absorbed in themselves.”
“Definitely.”
The joking reminds Sehyuk of a time long, long before, when they still talked to one another like this, all smiles and kind words. Sehyuk’s chest aches.
“I’ll call around, then, give me a few minutes.” Sangdo says, already digging his phone out of his pocket.
Sehyuk watches as Sangdo calls various sect members, confirming locations and giving a reason for congregation at the sect house. After a few minutes, Sangdo sets his phone down and sighs.
“Well. Byungjoo didn’t answer, but the rest did and agreed. Sanggyun seemed a little too excited, I think he might have plans to beat your ass.”
There’s a joking edge to Sangdo’s voice. Sehyuk shrugs. “It’s not like I don’t deserve it.”
“Oh, come on. You know he wouldn’t hurt you.”
Sehyuk’s not so sure, but he accepts it.
Thus, Sehyuk ends up sitting in the same place as the last time he was at Sangdo’s house, on the center cushion of the couch closest to the wall, except this time there’s significantly more people.
Sanggyun is the last to arrive, so he is doomed to sit beside Sehyuk. Sehyuk waves slightly at him as he walks in, and Sanggyun fixes him with an even stare. Then, “Will you kill me if I sit on you instead of beside you?”
“Depends on how heavy you are,” Sehyuk says easily, and Sanggyun sits on him. “Jesus. What has Yoonchul been feeding you?”
“Love and kindness,” Sanggyun shoots back. Sehyuk snorts.
“So,” Hojoon begins. Sehyuk leans so he can see around Sanggyun. “The fuck are you here for?”
“To apologize to all of you.” Sehyuk says. His voice echoes a bit in the large room. “I’ve apologized to Sangdo many, many times, but I’ve wronged many more than just him. You’ve all been hurt by either my… desperate acts, or repercussions from my decisions, or direct insults and remarks. And sorry will never cover it, not ever, but it’s better than trying to ignore it and pretend it never happened. So,” Sehyuk pauses to take a breath, “I would appreciate it if you would at least keep an open mind concerning me.”
Surprisingly, Hyosang is the first to speak. “Dude.”
“Yes, dude.” Sehyuk replies, to urge him gently.
Hyosang takes a deep breath. “You’re one of the most fuckin’ vile people I’ve ever met in my goddamn life and yet you’ve got the fuckin’ nerve to sit there and say all this shit. You’re damn fuckin’ right that sorry doesn’t cover it, if- if it hadn’t have been for you, I’d be married right now. I’d be able to get a decent night’s sleep. I’d be able to leave my damn house!”
Sehyuk can’t keep himself from flinching. It’s not like he expected anything but this, but it still settles a heavy, guilty feeling in his chest. Sanggyun moves out of his lap and sits beside him, instead.
“So, if you think,” Hyosang continues after a pause, “that I’m going to forgive you in a million goddamn years, you’ve got to be out of your mind.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to,” Sehyuk says, and he manages to keep his voice from wavering. “I’m doing this for myself. Like I said, if I had avoided doing this, it would have made me feel like I was pretending I had never done it.”
“You deserve to be reminded every single day just like I am.” Hyosang says darkly.
Sehyuk looks away from Hyosang’s eyes, instead at his cheeks, at the thick scars that creep back towards his ears. “I am.” He replies. “I don’t need your damning because I’ve already condemned myself. I’m never going to be happy.”
“And you don’t deserve to be.”
“Hyosang,” Sangdo says quietly.
“No, you know what? Fuck you, with your pacifist bullshit,” Hyosang says, and Sehyuk’s eyes jump to Sangdo, who looks rather shocked. “Do you know what the fuck he’s done to us? And yet you’re still going to treat him like he fucking matters, like you give a damn about him.”
“Because I do give a damn about him, I’m not going to make him feel even fucking worse when he does enough of that himself.” Sangdo replies, voice rising in volume. “He wanted to apologize and we don’t have to accept it but we can thank him for trying, can’t we?”
Hyosang stands up in response, walking swiftly to the stairs and taking them two at a time. Things grow silent. Sehyuk’s heart is pounding.
“It’s alright,” Sehyuk says after a few long moments. Sangdo looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. “He can be angry at me. I wasn’t expecting any different from any of you.” Sehyuk stands, scanning the room. “Thank you for listening to me, at least. Take care of yourselves.”
“You too, man,” Sanggyun says. “Heard you were going to college, that’s pretty neat.”
Sehyuk smiles. “It is pretty neat. I’ll be gone again in another week or so, however, and I’m not sure if I’ll be coming back. Does anyone else want to say something to me?”
“You look cool with long hair,” Jiho offers. Sehyuk nods in thanks. “And uh… yeah. Take care of yourself.”
Sehyuk waits a few more moments, then waves and starts for the door. Sangdo rises to see him out, smiling apologetically at him as he opens the door.
“Feel free to call me,” Sangdo says, after a moment of deliberation. “I- I promise I won’t let your call bounce.”
Sehyuk laughs slightly. “Thanks. You too, though. My schedule is weird when I’m in the States, but I promise I’ll call back as soon as possible.”
“That’s not a problem. Have a good time for the rest of your stay. It was nice seeing you, really.”
Sehyuk nods. “You too.”
--
Sehyuk doesn’t sleep on the couch that night. He blames it on the cold, but really he just feels better in Dongsung’s bed on a rare night where he’s not scheduled for the night shift.
“You’re not lying to me, are you?” Sehyuk whispers as Dongsung rubs circles into his back, holding Sehyuk close to his chest.
“About what?” Dongsung asks.
“About… everything. Loving me, forgiving me, all the things you tell me… they’re not lies to just get me to feel better, are they?”
“I would never do that to you,” Dongsung says, kissing Sehyuk’s forehead gently. “I believe and mean everything I tell you. I love you very, very much.”
Sehyuk nods, pressing the side of his face against Dongsung’s chest. He can hear Dongsung’s heartbeat. “I love you too. I… thank you, for everything.”
“It’s not a problem. Go to sleep, Sehyuk.”
Sehyuk does.
--
