The year is almost over, this is so crazy.
This year has been crazy in no shortage of the imagination. It’s been scary, rough, surprising, etc. I’ve passed my one year since phalloplasty, earned my Master’s degree, obtained full time employment (I don’t start for another 6 weeks) and started on prep. All of these things have been incredibly meaningful to me for various reasons, most of which I cant talk about IRL.
My life has been pretty normal in many ways since surgery but there have also been moments where I didn’t know if I’d make it to where I am now. I didn’t always voice those things because I know folks worry and this has been my life since I can ever remember so...only in hindsight do things seem crazy, scary, dangerous.
I’ve had many moments where balancing responsibilities and personal relationships have been exhausting but that’s really just life. I didn’t have a stable housing situation for much of 2017 so I needed to do what would generate money. I’d want to just go to Starbucks or Del Taco for some chili cheese fries, you know? I was trying to wrap up my MA thesis for much of 2017 and stress eating is expensive.
I had a falling out with a close supporter (we have since sorted our differences out) and in a way, it was what I needed to knock that fucking thesis out once and for all. I had my defense and the eventually it was May and I had my degree!!!
When I was kicked out of a relative’s house I recall being told my education would be something I wouldnt obtain. I totally fucking did it though! I have my MA and nobody or no situation can ever take that knowledge and journey away from me. I undoubtedly need a break from school for the time being but no regrets, surprisingly. I didnt think I would say that when I was trekking through the chapters, the edits, the comments from my committee but here we are :)
My thesis focused on religion, sex, sexuality, identity, etc which was super appropriate for the year and my own sex life. Being further and further out from phalloplasty has really put me out there sexually. I’ve had a lot of sex this year. While it hasn’t all been amazing or even alright, I never in a million years thought this could be my life, should I choose or need it to be so. If my life were different financially, I dont know if this would be my life but today it is, yesterday it has been and I pray to have this same body in case I need it for sex work tomorrow.
I’ve gotten better about caring for myself though in some ways with regards to sex -- in cultivating working relationships with those I’d like to encounter again while trying to be as safe as possible with those helping me financially, who I may only see once in less than safe environments or circumstances. Which..has been rough. Unfortunately, I’ve had my share of experiences this year where I didn’t consent, which has looked many different ways. I know that can range from physically violent, drugged, intoxicated, changing one’s mind during sex, etc. Two instances I’m ok referring to occured or began at gay clubs in my area. One involved a man busting in the fucking restroom with me. He was drunk and like 60x stronger than me. That wasn’t protected; the other instance I’ll mention was when I was trashed. I knew this guy wanted to dance so we danced and I remember sitting down on the bench on a patio outside the club and then I woke up on the floor of my room, halfway under my air mattress naked. I was terrified because I didn’t know how I got home once I realized I was home, and my ass was really sore. I don’t know if that was protected or not. I didn’t pursue it further beyond not going back to that club. A few others have happened and it’s been a fucking trip to say the least. I am ok; I am dealing with it in the ways I can.
As a result, I’ve tested far more frequently than usual and started on PrEP ( Pre-exposure prophylaxis, Truvada). I had headaches and an upset stomach for several days which resulted in me simply stopping my dosage. I quickly learned those are things I needed to deal with as it beats the alternative of potentially getting HIV. I started taking it at night rather than in the morning because I cant have headaches at my day job. Some staff members annoy me to great lengths and I can’t deal with that, headaches and shitting more than I ordinarily do. My side-effects have virtually gone away this second time, however. The only difference is the time I take it and that I take it with a vitamin D.
I notice I’m taking care of myself when I moisturize my rff donor site and take my medication and it’s been two days I’ve skipped out on both which I need to not fucking do. I was having sex with someone yesterday and he was trying to penetrate me without any barriers. I swear I can be so stupid sometimes. I dont care for anal sex on rare occasions, and commonly I fucking hate it. It is not pleasurable for me at all... but the folks I sleep with, esp those who are helping me pay for life, want anal. I finally got up and was like hey, put this on and tried to make it sexy. It worried me I was pretty indifferent for many minutes before it occuring to me that this is my fucking life and this is just a random dick Ive never in my life seen who could have just about anything..
I’ve been preoccupied by thoughts that have troubled me but aren’t actually all that troubling in the bigger picture of my life. I mentioned I’ve been employed and it will be full time in a few weeks -- so through this new opportunity I’ve met someone who I’ve technically known for some time now.
She reminds me of nobody I’ve ever had in my life and that’s kind of a huge inconvenience. I’ve replayed our interactions 8293432 times in hopes of finding what about her has been validating, or affirming, or whatever...that has allowed her to impact me in this way. When I first met her, I noticed her voice and her hair - both are unique in the sea of hair and voices present in our usual gatherings. Now things are rather dramatic and I’m not quite, but basically avoiding her. I’m sorry, I can’t actually like anyone and for certain reasons, I especially can’t like her. But yeah, unfortunately what I’m tripping about most as this 2017 year wraps up isn’t related to surgery or safety or any of that but developing feelings for a woman.