Beta: @cloechecksmyflow : amazing and thorough and wonderful!
Doodler: @i-like-you-thats-why-i : talented and awesome!
Triggers: Major character depression
Summary: Phil suffers a depressive episode, and in a reversal of roles, it is up to Dan to help him through it.
Words: 855
Dan took Phil’s head in his hands and pressed his forehead against his best friend’s. They stood in silence for a moment, until Dan began to speak.
“Phil, you are hurting and I will help you. I know you are scared, but I will be with you every step of the way. You are not alone.”
Phil’s eyes welled up with tears and he began to pull away.
“No,” said Dan, gently guiding Phil’s face back towards his. “Don’t be embarrassed, Philly. It’s me. It’s Bear. I have been through this before and I know what you are feeling. It is not your fault and it will not last forever. I just need you to let me help you. Will you do that for me?”
Phil paused, then nodded. Dan tilted up his chin and kissed Phil gently on the forehead.
“You will be alright, Phil. I promise,” Dan said, looking up to the ceiling and silently praying, “Please? Help me help him?”
The next day, in the doctor’s office, Phil explained the symptoms he had been having: his lack of enjoyment of things he usually loved; his constant fatigue; his irritability; his loss of appetite; his loss of sexual drive; and his loss of humor. Dan reported Phil’s slow movement patterns, his lethargy, his monotone voice, and his lack of eye contact.
The doctor diagnosed a Moderate Depression, prescribed an antidepressant and referred Phil to a therapist that he was to make an appointment with right away.
They filled the prescription on the way home and Dan snuggled in next to Phil on the couch when they returned to their flat, holding him close.
“I’m weak?” Phil asked, the first words he had spoken since leaving the doctor’s office.
“No, Philly, you are strong. Remember, the doctor said that this was a chemical imbalance. And a temporary one, most likely. The medicine will help you.”
The therapist they saw together two days later confirmed that. “Depression is not a sign of weakness or a flaw of any kind, Philip. It is a chemical imbalance that causes your brain to function incorrectly. That dysfunction can lead you to come to the wrong conclusions. It is only temporary, and you will feel better.”
The therapist had said Vitamin D would help Phil feel better, so each day, Dan packed a picnic lunch and they sat beneath a large, old oak and ate ham sandwiches as Dan prattled on about Kanye. At first, Phil remained mostly mute, but as the days passed and the medicine began to take effect, he began to speak: softly and in a monotone, but at least he was expressing himself.
P.J. came over to film a collaboration with Dan, and made it a point to get Phil’s input on the camera set up and the lighting-- even though he didn’t need it. Dan watched with an ever-widening grin as Phil slowly began to take charge, moving the light over by a fraction of a centimeter, and adjusting the camera focus and angle just so.
A week later, Dan made a pun and Phil laughed. They both froze.
“Phil?”
“Oh my God!” Phil exclaimed, “That felt...that felt so good!”
“Phil. Phil you’re talking,” Dan said, his jaw hanging open in surprise. After two weeks of near silence, Phil regained the ability to speak freely.
A few days later, Dan found him watching Buffy. He slipped in beside him on the couch and wrapped his arm around his shoulder.
“Missed you, Philly.”
“Thank you, Bear,” Phil replied, laying his head down on Dan’s shoulder. “Thank you for helping me come back.”
“You’re welcome, Phil,” Dan said, his voice warm, “Don’t leave me again, okay?”
The next months were difficult, but they worked hard together at home, in therapy, and at work.
This was a team that not even a major illness could stop.
Phil’s next video, his first in months, was about Depressive Disorder. He discussed his experience with grace and humor, and then spent time educating his followers on what to do if they found themselves fighting a similar battle.
Dan stood behind the camera, admiring the courage and the strength he saw standing before him.
His beautiful friend. So alive, so vital, so...up.
“So, if you or someone you know is suffering from Depression,” Phil said as he concluded his video, “don’t be embarrassed or scared like I was. Talk to a friend and your doctor and let them help you! And remember you are not alone. You are the bees knees!”
Dan couldn’t stifle his laugh off-camera.
“What?!” Phil said, smiling as he looked up at Dan.
“The ‘bees knees’? What is this, 1923 America?”
“I thought it would be funny!” Phil laughed. “And it rhymes as well!”
“Dan doesn’t appreciate my humor today,” Phil laughed, rolling his eyes and smiling as the camera kept rolling, “But that’s okay! And if you need help, you can call the Teen Crisis Helpline at 800-784-2433, or call 999 or 911. ”
“Just remember,” Phil said as he concluded his video, “you have a friend to help you! You are never alone.”
“Do you have “Looking for Alaska”? Dan asked the book shop manager. “I’ve heard it is really good.”
“Yes, sir, we do in fact. And I’ve read it. I think you will enjoy it,” answered the raven haired,...
Summary: Dan walks into the book store and is immediately taken with the raven-haired man behind the counter. The electricity is palpable. But Dan has a problem: he doesn’t know how to strike up a conversation with Phil and so he does the only thing he knows to do–he just keeps ordering books. He thinks he is being pretty smooth, but does Phil actually know what is going on?
Type: Comfort, fluff, humor, major character minor illness
Triggers: None
Words: 1467
Summary: After a 3 month break-neck tour across America with Tatinof, Dan has a cold that just won’t get better....
Type: Comfort, fluff, humor, major character minor illness
Triggers: None
Words: 1467
Summary: After a 3 month break-neck tour across America with Tatinof, Dan has a cold that just won’t get better. Luckily, he has Phil there to care for him, even if the fever does turn him into a bit of a brat.
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Here is a link to my author page on Amazon. If you want to support me by picking up a copy of a story or the collection, I’d really appreciate it:) And I still love you even if you don’t want to or can’t do it so, no worries <3
Summary: Dan and Phil are on their last US tour and before the Jimmy Fallon show, Phil gets stage fright terribly bad, Dan has to comfort him out of it or go on without him.
Author’s Note: I’m sorry for that horrible title.
Phil can’t believe that The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire was almost officially over. It seemed unreal, they’ve toured all over America and now he and Dan were going to be on Jimmy Fallon. It was a big deal for him and Dan, and Phil was extremely nervous about going on the show. He was starting to wonder why he even agreed to do it in the first place but he didn’t want to let Dan down, or the viewers.
“Can you believe we’re actually here?”
Phil was quickly shaken out of his thoughts when he hears Dan’s voice.
Dan has just gotten back to the dressing room they were staying at, he’d just finished using the bathroom, and they still had a little bit to go before they actually had to go out to be interviewed.
Phil looks over at Dan. “Yeah,” he mumbles, nervously rubbing his arm. He can feel a panic attack coming, which makes him more nervous than he already was before, and he was desperately trying to hide the fact that he was nervous from Dan… but Dan knew him so well and knew when he was having a panic attack.
“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, frowning when he noticed that Phil was being unusually quiet.
“Nothing. I… I guess I’m just nervous, that’s all,” Phil says, biting his lip. At least he wasn’t lying.
“Phil,” Dan sighs softly and then walks over to him and bends down in front of him. “It’s going to be fine.”
“How do you know that?” Phil asks, looking down at him. “How do you know something won’t go wrong and I won’t go out that and make a fool of myself in front of millions of people?”
“I…” Dan bites his lip. “I don’t know, but there is nothing to be worried about-”
“How can you say that?” Phil asks as he stands up from his seat. “This is different than doing an interview in the UK because pretty everyone knows us. This is new territory, we’ve never been on a US show before. People from the US could hate us, and I don’t want people to hate us.”
“Nobody is going to hate you Phil,” Dan says softly. “It’s impossible to hate you.”
“Just because you like me doesn’t mean everyone else does,” Phil mumbles, letting out a small sigh. “Do you know how many people watch his show? Millions, Dan. Millions of people watch his show!”
“Phil, you’re going to be just fine, I promise you. It’s completely normal to be nervous,” Dan says.
“I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do this,” Phil takes a deep breath and then he starts pacing around the dressing room, trying to get his mind off of everything that was making him nervous.
Dan frowns as he watches his boyfriend pace back and forth. He wishes that Phil had more confidence in himself because he was an amazing human being and so many people loves and adores him.
Dan just hopes that he’ll be able to get Phil to calm down before they have to go on the show.
****
“Dan, I really don’t think I can do this,” Phil says quietly as he stands with his boyfriend. They were standing backstage and were about to go on to be interviewed by Jimmy Fallon any moment.
Phil was starting to panic attack and the thought of letting down Dan was absolutely killing him, but he really didn’t want to do this. There were too many negative thoughts circling around in his head.
“Phil, take a deep breath,” Dan says softly as he gently takes Phil’s hand.
Phil tries to take a deep breath as Dan tells him, but it doesn’t help. “No, I can’t. I can’t do this,”
Dan pushes Phil away from everybody. “Phil, I don’t want to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I know if I was in your position that you’d do the same for me,”
“No. Are you crazy? You can’t go out there by yourself,” Phil frowns.
“One of us has to do it, and if it’s not going to be you… it’s going to be me. I’ll be fine,”
“Wait… you’d really go out there by yourself?” Phil asks, shocked that Dan would even suggest that he go and do the interview alone. It just didn’t seem fair to Phil that Dan would have to do the interview alone.
“I don’t necessarily want to be but I’m not going to cancel the interview at last minute,” Dan says.
“I just feel bad. We’re supposed to be doing this together. Dan and Phil, not just Dan,” Phil looks down and he almost wants to cry because that’s how awful he feels about this whole thing. He hates that he has these stupid panic attacks that stop him from doing what he wants to do.
“Hey, stop,” Dan gently lifts Phil’s chin up with a single finger and kisses him. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I promise. I’m not going to let anything happen, okay?”
Phil wraps his arms around Dan and hugs him tightly. “I love you,”
“I love you too,” Dan whispers before pulling away from the hug.
“Dan, Phil. We’re going on in five,”
Dan quickly looks over at the man who had spoken to him. “Actually, Phil won’t be able to go on…”
“What, why not?”
“He’s not feeling well so I’m just going to go on. I apologize for the last minute change,” Dan says calmly.
Phil frowns as the guy walks away, and he groans loudly.
“Stop,” Dan says as he looks over at Phil. “Everything’s going to be fine. I promise I’ll do you proud.”
“I know you will but I wish you didn’t have to do me proud. It should be me and you going out there,”
“It’s okay, Phil. I’m not upset with you and I’m sure everyone will understand,” Dan assures.
Phil takes a deep breath and slowly nods. “Okay. You should probably get going,”
Dan nods. “Yeah. Everything will be fine. I promise,” he whispers before gently kissing Phil. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Phil whispers before kissing him once more before watching as Dan takes off.
****
Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and then Jimmy Fallon is introducing him.
“You may know this next guest from the popular youtube channel, danisnotonfire. Or from Dan and Phil, please welcome… Dan Howell!”
Dan finally steps onto the stage and the audience screams, and Dan’s honestly a little surprised.
“Hi!” Dan smiles as he walks up to Jimmy and shakes his hand.
“Nice to meet you,”
“Nice to meet you too,” Dan says. He looks over at the audience and waves.
“Please, have a seat,” Jimmy says as he points Dan to the chair.
“Thank you,” Dan says politely as he sits in the chair beside Jimmy’s desk.
“How are you?” Jimmy asks once they’re both sitting down.
“I’m fine, thank you for asking. How you are?” Dan asks, looking up at him.
“I’m great. It’s great to have you on the show finally,” Jimmy says. “It appears as though we’re missing somebody though.” He looks around for a moment before looking back at Dan.
“Uh, yeah. Phil got sick last minute so he wasn’t able to do the show,”
“Working too hard?”
Dan chuckles. “I guess travelling around America can be pretty exhausting,” Dan wasn’t lying either, because both he and Phil have been completely exhausted since they started their tour back in the UK, and while he loved performing for his audience every night, it was just tiring.
“Speaking of… your tour is about to finish, am I correct?”
“Yes. I can’t believe it. We just have a couple more tours and then we’re done, for now…” Dan smiles.
Dan was surprised by how smoothly the show went by even when he was without Phil. Usually he was nervous to do things like this without Phil but Jimmy was such a chill guy that Dan even mind it.
“How did I do?” Dan asks nervously as he walks into his and Phil’s dressing room.
“Amazing!” Phil smiles as he stands up from the chair he had been previously sitting in.
“You’re not just saying that, are you?” Dan asks.
“No, of course I’m not just saying that. You were a pro. If you were nervous, I couldn’t even tell, Dan,” Phil smiles and he’s honestly so proud of his boyfriend going out there despite being alone. “You did great.”
Dan sighs in relief. “Thank God. I was so nervous,” he laughs. “I was worried I’d mess it all up!”
Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and gently pulls him into a kiss. “I’m proud of you,”
Dan grins and kisses him back. “Thank you. See? Nothing went wrong,”
“I know that. I just… I didn’t want to go out there and make a fool of myself,” Phil says. Phil’s lucky enough to have a boyfriend like Dan that will do something like this for him, and still supports him even when he gets scared or nervous over silly little things. After all the times Phil’s fallen over on stage during tatinof, Phil thinks he has a good enough reason to be nervous about doing interviews like this.
Jimmy Fallon was a big deal, and Phil knows he wouldn’t have forgave himself if he had somehow messed it up, so it was probably a good thing that Dan went on by himself. Dan did a fantastic job anyways.
“You wouldn’t have, but I completely understand,” Dan nods.
“Seriously, you did amazing. It looked like you had such a fun time,” Phil smiles.
“Yeah,” Dan nods. “Jimmy Fallon is a really cool guy. I’m glad we got to come here and do this.”
“People are going to freak out when they see,” Phil laughs. He can finally relax now that the shows over, and he doesn’t have to worry anymore. Phil felt like he couldn’t relax until the interview was done.
“We should go out tonight and celebrate,” Dan says as he sits down in one of the chairs.
“Celebrate? What are we celebrating?” Phil asks curiously as he watches Dan.
“Come on, being on Jimmy Fallon is a huge milestone for us. We have to celebrate,” Dan says.
“Oh,” Phil says. “I mean, yeah. We should celebrate. How about we go out to dinner?”
“Sounds perfect,” Dan smiles. “We haven’t been able to go out in a while.”
“You’re right. I’m glad we’ll get to get out tonight,”
“Hey,” Dan reaches up and takes Phil’s hand in his own. “I love you.”
Phil grins and holds Dan’s hand tightly. “I love you too,”
Dan and Phil hang out backstage for a bit, just talking to random people and even meeting viewers.
“Hey guys, thanks for coming to the show today,”
Dan smiles as soon as he sees Jimmy. “Thanks for having us, it was a blast!”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it on the show,” Phil says apologetically.
“That’s alright. I understand it must be exhausting travelling around America,” Jimmy smiles.
“You have no idea,” Dan says, and Phil laughs.
“Good thing we don’t mind doing it,” Phil says. He looks over at his boyfriend and can’t help but smile.
“We hope to have you on the show again,” Jimmy says.
Dan and Phil take a quick selfie with Jimmy before they finally head back to their tour bus.
“Hey, we wanna stop for dinner if that’s alright,” Dan tells their bus driver.
Dan and Phil sit down next to each other in the lounge, and Dan lets out a sigh of relief.
“I still can’t believe tonight actually happened,” Dan laughs as he rests his head on Phil’s shoulder.
“You did great. I promise to actually do the interview with you next time,” Phil jokes.
Dan chuckles and a smile forms on his face. “It’s okay. I still love you,”
“Oh, I’m glad,” Phil laughs and he rolls his eyes playfully.
