Bittybones Chapter 8: Organics and Botanicals (part 3)
I hopped out of bed the next morning with all the vigor of a person who has just woken up and hasn't yet had a chance for circumstance (such as the chaos of getting seven bittys dressed for the day) to crush all of their energy and motivation. That vigor diminished when Red and Brassy both decided to protest pants for some reason (viva la nudity!), and Berry the Yanberry rolled out of bed spewing a string of, admittedly impressive, swear words and phrases. The potty-mouthed bastard could probably beat me at Scrabble without using a single appropriate word.
Triple points if I say “oh my God” while looking the term up on Urban Dictionary, and no, I'm not going to ask him to use it in a sentence.
Fortunately, my miniscule assistant, Corvus the Kara bitty, had a handle on his adopted nestlings. He and Buttons were fully dressed though the newly named Egg the Softbones still wore his comfy pajamas, which was par for the course with his bitty type. Phantom had picked out an outfit for himself though he noticeably lacked a shirt and obviously thought the look suited him. Of course a grumpy Brassy and still-pantsless Red heckled him to "put some damn clothes on.” (fuckin’ showoff)
It felt like time to accept that “good enough” would be my mantra from now on if I wanted to get anything done. I escorted my bitty brigade into the kitchen for breakfast where I discovered round 2 of energy-sapping problems. Buttons already had a specific dietary guideline: no meat, and Red still maintained his allergy to shrimp as long as they weren't shrimp from my plate (it's a fickle allergy). Would my new bittys have special dietary requests too?
First, I divided the seven boys into herbivores and carnivores. Kara kooed that he would join Buttons as a vegetarian, and Egg the Softbones gave a thumbs-up of agreement from where he dozed facedown on the counter when Kara prompted him. Berry and Phantom opted to participate in the mysterious Meat Club (you're not supposed to talk about it)(And that shirtless asshole ain't invited!) that Red and Brassy had started. Being the sweetheart that he is, Buttons suggested that the vegetarians eat in the living room so that us carnivores weren't relegated to the “garage of shame” (bold of him to assume that i feel shame).
Next, I asked Corvus if he minded eating eggs since I planned to make a vegetable omelet for breakfast. I worried that he might find egg consumption offensive considering his bird-like appearance. Instead, he kooed out a laugh and ruffled his wing feathers. Apparently my question amused him, but he reassured me that eggs were fine with him. I took it as a good sign that we'd all be eating breakfast together and got the entire crew gathered at the table so I could start cooking.
Omelets don't take long to make, even if I needed to chop a few mushrooms, peppers, and onions. Even that short amount of time was far too long for me to expect my bitty boys to behave themselves.
The problem started when Phantom made a flirty comment while I prepped ingredients. A scuffle ensued, but by the time I turned to scold my bittys at knifepoint, they stared back at me with perfect innocence and strangely disheveled clothing (he started it)(Nothing happened). This weird occurrence kept weirdly occurring every few seconds until I plopped a warm, fluffy omelet onto the table and began portioning tiny servings onto bitty-sized plates. Seven teensy skeletons settled down to their meals.
The reactions varied. Kara kooed happily, and Egg actually sat up to eat. Buttons declared the food to be delicious, a sentiment that Berry echoed with an unnecessary amount of expletives that had probably never been used to describe an omelet before. Brassy shoveled down his plateful so fast that I doubted he tasted it at all, but he opened his mouth to comment anyway only to be interrupted by Phantom tossing another flirtatious compliment my way.
There was a single beat of silence.
Then breakfast devolved into pandemonium.
Corvus escorted Egg, Buttons, and Berry away from the explosive fray, each bitty taking his breakfast with him. Red had double handfuls of omelet and appeared to be trying to shove them into Phantom's eye sockets (yup). Phantom easily fended him off with his superior reach, though Brassy threw him off balance with a wild leg tackle. Pieces of omelet flew everywhere as I separated the three bittys who stubbornly continued to throw both insults and breakfast at each other.
I grounded Red (unfair) and Brassy (We were defending your honor!) to their respective bitty houses. Phantom, Corvus, Egg, Buttons, and Berry were relocated to the living room to finish their breakfast in front of the TV. I turned on a reality show to drown out Red's enraged (rightfully!) screeching and the sound of him slamming around anything he could find that he hadn't already destroyed, which turned out to be not much after last night's destructive tantrum.
I cleaned up the kitchen table then brought my own meal into the living room. I spent more time pondering than eating, and by the time I figured out a solution to the jealousy conundrum, my once steaming eggs had become cold gelatinous blobs on my plate. I refused to get rid of Phantom (boo), but I knew a surefire way to make Red and Brassy behave:
Bribery.
(i can be bought)
I am definitely not above bribing my bittybones for a little peace and quiet. It's time to implement Good Boy Points!
READ ON AO3
PREV | INDEX | NEXT











