relief and not-relief...all in one!
hellooo! exciting news abounds! as of 11/29/2017, i have officially finished PhD applications! i got the confirmation e-mails for the remaining schools, Maryland and UCLA, on my way in to work and about cried tears of relief. finally—and with certainty—i can say that i have put forth a solid application. all i have to do now...IS WAIT. which, despite how much i usually hate waiting games, actually sounds like a welcome change. i've been busting my ass on applications FOR 9 MONTHS, so the ability to sit back and have the ball in someone else's court sounds pretty swell. we shall see. now, i just need to hold tight and hope hard that the relief will continue through to march and april of the upcoming year. i arrived at work in a kind of haze, my head dancing around the completely self-constructed ideas of what my life could look like in Pittsburgh, Miami, Los Angeles, Baltimore, or New York, and stayed in that cloudy space for most of the day.
it's weird to sit back and think on this process... the countless—and i mean COUNTLESS—hours of pouring over research to add to my writing samples, uselessly studying math for a GRE i'd bomb anyway, and reading and proofreading my personal statement over and over and over again seem so long ago. but also so near. i remember being beat tired in my old office in W 456 GH and putting on new kettles of tea to keep burning the midnight oil. what a process. but it's really hopeful and beautiful, too. one of those "strength in the struggle" kinds of deals, if you will.
ironically, the day i finalized my applications, we learned our assistant director, Pam, would be leaving UIHC in january. it was a devastating blow, despite all of us wishing her nothing but the absolute best. we all respect and adore her to the ends of the earth. this, coupled with my newfound PhD applicant status, solidified my desire to explore new places and passions. i think it may have spurred Cassey into a similar headspace, as well. she told me Pam's leaving really got her thinking, and i've heard her speak about potentially leaving a lot more since that day. before Pam's announcement, it was mostly me toying with the idea and joking about it to her. since i don't want to put too much pressure on her, i've largely scaled this back, but have found her to bring it up much more frequently than i'd have thought. i'd be lying if i said it weren't a huge relief to think Cassey might move with me; lord knows no one else can keep me together.
but alas, we wait and see. i have that feeling i always have when i accomplish one of my longstanding goals: i am not exuberant or jumping for joy; i am instead filled with a sense of quiet, content, and validated calmness.
cheers x