Lazy Philadelphia Reviews: Serpico
Hello. This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review of Serpico. I ate dinner there the other night.
Serpico is a restaurant. You might think that it is an Italian restaurant. That is because I thought it was an Italian restaurant but it is not an Italian restaurant.
Okay I was really excited for Serpico but mostly that is because, like I mentioned, I thought that it is an Italian restaurant and that is probably my favorite kind of food besides beer. But it is a Korean small plates French inspired “inspired” small plates cuisine destination kind of thing. And usually small plates don’t cost $38 dollars each and yet here we are folks.
Also Serpico sounds like Scorpio which is the name of the killer in Dirty Harry and that movie kicks awesome in the ass and whistles in its ears.
Ok so I went to Serpico with 3 (three) other people which is weird for me because I do not have any friends. So the first thing the waiter says is “have you dined with us before” and I always lie and say yes because I don’t like the wait staff ever thinking I am some punkass first timer bro I aint no punk bitch. But he could tell that I was already confused by the menu, probably because I was holding it upside down and saying “Interesting!” a lot.
OK so the waiter suggests that each person order 5 plates (of food) each and after looking at the prices for awhile and doing some quick math in my head, I decided to take out a reverse mortgage on the house my father built that he still lives in to be able to eat there.
I let all the other people I was with do the ordering. That is because every item on the menu sounds super gross.
(before I continue let me just say that this was one of the best meals that I have ever had in my life. But this is not sincere and insightful reviews. This is lazy reviews. Let’s get back to talking shit.)
Ok so yea everything sounds fucking weird and gross. Like the dude was like “the special tonight is a 5 minute egg, which is a rotten old egg that we hard boil and it turns brown then we leave it on the counter over night then throw 15 different kinds of mushrooms on it and it looks ridiculous and you’re going to love it. That’s for 47 dollars.”
So obviously we got that.
We also got something called egg custard and chicken and snail lasagna which features both chicken and…you guessed it…snails. Like I am serious that everything has at least one fucked up confusing element to it but by the time we ordered I already had like 4 whiskey drinks and I would have eaten cat food at that point and I am not positive that I didn’t and I probably loved it.
Other things I got that I don’t understand: ceviche, some sort of meat tataki, (all of those things are raw) and like, salmon, then short ribs, then like…some egg thing seriously man I don’t really know it all happened really fast and I generally prefer food that is, you know, cooked, so like I just kept my mouth shut except to put food in there.
OK so finally the dude comes around again and he is like “would you like to look at the dessert menu” and I was just like just bring all the desserts nothing you say makes sense anyways. So he brought them all OH this was the best part! Then they brought us these four little “digestif” after dinner licorice liquoure drinks with a little lemon slice in it and I was like THANKS and I hammered that thing down like it was a shot of Jagermeister, which apparently I was not supposed to do because everyone in the entire establishment started pointing and laughing at me like that scene at the end of Carrie where she is prom queen and she gets blood poured on her and everyone laughs and points it was awesome lol.
Then they brought out the bill and that was very depressing!
Okay so all in all, it seems like Italian but it is not. Also everything sounds gross but it is all actually really good!
Serpico! I hope you’re rich! Don’t tell my dad I sold his house!
This has been Lazy Philadelphia Reviews: Serpico by Elliot.