Things I could have gone my whole life without knowing. EMS edition.
A common question I get asked when people find out I work in EMS is “What’s the craziest, worst, coolest thing you’ve seen.” I hate that question and I usually try to avoid answering it just due to the fact that most people are not prepared to hear these stories and I’d rather not induce a PTSD episode in the middle of Target. So I found a new go-to story that usually gets people to stop asking questions pretty quick. A few years ago my partner and I were dispatched to a call for a Female in her 30s with abdominal pain. The location was a common location that many homeless, prostitutes and drug users were found. We arrived to the location which was a pay by the week suites type place. The female was not in any acute distress but showed us she had some abnormal green drainage from her colostomy hole. She had also conveniently run out of colostomy bags so she was covering and wiping it with napkins and had a plastic grocery bag attached with duct tape. If you hadn’t guessed already she was a very classy broad. We took her to her hospital of choice and when we arrived the doctor came to the EMS waiting area to speak to the patient. The doctor was accompanied by a medical school resident who was handling the whole assessment. The resident was asking the patients medical history which had now changed for the 3rd time since I spoke with her 5 mins prior. The resident asked how long the drainage had been going on and the patient said “Well *Bobby*, one of my regulars, noticed it last night and said it smelled real bad.” The resident replies with “I’m sorry, one of your regulars? Are you a waitress or something?” My patient corrects the resident very matter of factly stating “No like one of my clients. They see me for the philly side car special. I’m known up and down the “highway” for it.” At this point the doctor steps in and thanks her for her information and walks back to speak with me, while I was getting the patient triaged. The doctor looks at me and says ....”What in the hell is a philly side car.” I told him I had no idea. We googled it. We should have known that if a patient gives you information and the first thing that pops up upon researching it is Urban Dictionary, its gonna be horrifying. My face probably said everything that no one actually wanted to hear but was involuntarily assaulted with as I read the definition. “Ahem - A Philly Sidecar - Ostomy sex. The act of putting a penis into an ostomy site, be it a colostomy, ileostomy, etc., for intercourse. Popular among prisoners as a means to get cigarettes or pay off debts.” Cue gagging noises from anyone in earshot and add that to the list of things I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing. We returned to the hospital later that day with another patient and the doctor comes running up to me yelling “Holy shit. That lady you brought in earlier....yeah she had chlamydia in her ostomy.” And that is how you get people to stop asking questions they don’t want the answer to. You’re welcome.