#pie shitposts

[kudakii]

i took martin to atohl's end without knowing that he starts out with level 5... i ran out of rp just to wake him up 19728 times becuse he passes out every time he gets hit. this must’ve been so embarrassing for him im so sorry

[potteresque-ire]

Drarry Haiku

I was tagged by the lovely (and well-hydrated) @aibidil to write a haiku today.  My experience with haiku is ... zero. So, here we go:

My dear Chosen One, Scars I love not, but love your Big Dick Energy.

Malfoy, Sweet Arsehole, My dick’s lively, no doubt, but Please go fuck yourself.

Dick and arse, lovebirds They’ve been in tales old as time. You want me, Potter.

WE’RE IN A MEETING. (Cranes again? It’s getting old. Lovebirds=my fist, you.)

Fist? So kinky, love. Eat me out deeply, wetly. Then I’ll consider.

STOP CACKLING TOSSER ROBARDS COULD’VE ASKED YOU TO READ OUR NOTES ALOUD

I’d recite with zeal: Bow to our Saviour! His size! His impressive thrusts!!

You knelt, I recall, Not bowed. Fine. Dinner at six? Bring your arse (you’ll pay).

[kudakii]

cw for nsfw and extreme mode spoilers 

extreme mode johanjosh is forever the worst (affectionate)

johan is uncommunicative because he doesn't listen to joshua at all and he sometimes doesn't even say much, joshua is communicative but in the most horrible way possible (he mocks everything johan is and does) 

more thoughts under the cut hehe -

(cw for violence too i suppose)

i was thinking which of my ships from this game would be kinky then i imagined all of them would be very sweet and wholesome. except 3rd tl johanjoshu. idk what those two sickos will do . just the absolute worst things to each other, bet.

joshua: i will keep clenching my ass until i see you bleed. i will not let you move until you’re hurt in some way johan: FUCKYOUFUCKYOFUCKYOUFUKYOU (he lets joshua slice his skin with the wind) 

johan: you know my dick won’t get hard unless i see you suffer  joshua: (spits in johan's face) then johan chokes him until he's blue

THEY’RE LITERALLY SO HORRIBLE EVERY TIME THEY FINISH BED ACTIVITY THEY NEED TO GET TREATED FOR HEAVY TRAUMA LIKE THEY JUST WENT TO WAR. 

kartis: ?? general, visceroy, did the enemy attack? johan, nearly in hypovolemic shock: no your majesty joshua, with 8 broken bones: no my emperor

i love the concept of johanjoshu bed activity being more harmful than battles with the enemies, and everyone in the empire knows. literally the whole universe will know because they look like they're half dead and in need of severe medical attention afterwards. 

joshua, coming to vanessa's place for surveillance and whatever the sneaky shit he does, but in a cast and limping and one eye bandaged: hello vanessa. still holding strong i see vane: did you and the general fuck last night

gallus generals: sir valenschute, go report to the emperor johan with 3 broken ribs and a nosebleed that wont stop, swaying on his feet: good evening your majesty. is there something i need to do kartis: you two gotta stop fucking like this. this is an intervention

i need to draw (in a comedic way) johan railing joshua while joshu writes reports/sends messages to politicians, saying  "weakass dog. at this rate i probably won’t come even after my weekly paperwork is finished." and then he gets hit. (he elbows johan back. hard. in the solar plexus) 

this one is from my discussion with sui.

there’s a LOT of choking involved but it’s 30% kink and 70% trying to shut each other up.  most of the choking is directed towards joshua because he just won’t shut the fuck up and johan HATES IT (which makes joshua want to talk shit even more). if johan says hurtful things joshua just raises his brows and digs his nails deeper on johan's already broken skin.

joshua's mouth never STOPS talking in that horrible condescending tone and he's always doing his stupid little smirk as he leaves johan hanging every time johan is about to finish. (he does a lot of blueballing. johan does more Violence.)

bless these two and their terrible, terrible sex life. kartis thinks they need therapy. (but he’s a little happy that these two have something they actually like doing other than serving him. even if it’s Very Concerning)

[kudakii]

my and my friend’s blorbo both want to unalive themselves (scara is half my blorbo too i suppose)