only by the stars (excerpt)
“One of us has to stay back,” Micah said.
Much as Felicity loved to tease him for his lack of strategic thought, to say that his ideas were idiotic, unfounded, bound to get them all killed, this time . . . he was right.
So why was there that terrible pit in her stomach, why did she grab the nearest thing to her as she felt her center of balance tip forward, why did she not let go when she realized it was Gatsby?
“It should be me,” Liyana’s voice was soft and careful, so slight Felicity hardly heard it over the rushing of blood in her ears.
“Why?” she snapped without thinking.
Even though she already knew — Liyana was injured; her leg had still not healed and her gait was a stilted limp. Even without that limitation, she was their weakest soldier, her heart-shaped face and wide, innocent eyes not suited for any battlefield, especially not this one, supposedly more treacherous than any war fought before.
“That’s a stupid question,” Micah scoffed, throwing Felicity’s own taunts back at her.
But the look she gave him was so scathing he shrank back, and it was Gatsby who finally broke the tense, heavy silence. “It only makes sense,” he remarked, though his voice broke as he said it, and his hand went slightly slack in Felicity’s vicelike grip.
She wondered what he was thinking of when he said that — perhaps of a friendship crafted of spun glass, of melodies sung at midnight that Felicity heard, floating into her tent like the song of a nightingale.
She was still trying to decide if it was weak or strong of him to be willing to leave this all behind for the greater good of the army and their side when her voice betrayed her.
Liyana caught her eyes, her gaze then falling to Gatsby’s hand still in hers.
Felicity let go, turning away.
Her words were sparsely more than a whisper as she said it, as she felt her heartbeat slow and her chest tie up in knots that would never be undone, not if they —
“Then we should go ahead, and Liyana will stay back.”
Micah dipped his head in a nod. “And quickly,” he added, and Felicity lunged at him with such a ferocity that Gatsby had to loop his arms through hers to hold her back.
He whispered something soothing, breath feathering against her ear, but she did not hear.
And then goodbyes were being said and Liyana was being pulled into hug after hug and someone was crying quietly and Felicity bit her tongue so hard it bled to keep from shouting at them to stop.
And then Liyana was in front of her, her once-luminous eyes dimmed, tears pooling on her dark lashes. “I’ll find you,” she said softly, hands tentatively taking Felicity’s.
Felicity wondered if she was remembering Gatsby holding her, just moments ago.
“I promise,” Liyana said. “This is not where we shall end.”
Felicity nodded, tipping her forehead so it was pressed against Liyana’s and all she could see were her eyes.
Something smooth and folded was pressed into her hand, a piece of paper, wax seal against her palm. “Send this to Amahle for me,” Liyana whispered.
Felicity nodded. “I will.”
She didn’t want to say it, but the word hung in the air and she was sure Liyana heard it nonetheless.
“For now,” Liyana added, and by some miracle of the cosmos, she managed a smile.
Felicity could not force herself to do the same.
She leaned in to kiss Liyana’s cheek, against the silvery track of the first tear as it fell.
And then she spun back to her army, to Micah and Gatsby and the rest of them, half watching and half staring at the ground in shame.
She did not know which she preferred.
Because as they started to walk away, for once Felicity did not lead but follow. There were no orders she had to give, except to herself.
She did not follow this one. Just before they crested the hill, she turned to look over her shoulder.
Liyana still stood, a lone silhouette against the night, head tipped back as if waiting for the sky to swallow her whole.
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