untitled
If it feels like I’m pushing you away right now, it’s because I am. I’m sorry. I don’t know any other way to do this. I’m hurting so much and I don’t know why. I’ve had too much time to think over the break, and seeing you again brought a lot of things back.
It sucks that I can’t be how I was around you. It was so comfortable to me, when it never was before. Complimenting you at every chance, calling you baby, flirting outside of class, staring into your eyes when I talk to you, doing the subconscious look at your lips to get you to want to kiss me. Fuck, school was so fun to go to because of you last semester. Now it’s a drag. Yea, I’m excited about some of my classes because they seem cool and I feel like I’m going to learn a lot of good shit this semester, but I’m just not feeling it. Like I don’t even want to see you at school now because it just makes me sad.
There’s so many things I want to tell you. How my classes were, how cute I think you look in your new shoes, in your new glasses, with your new haircut. I want you to tell me how your day was, go on a rant about your professors or your classmates or future group mates. But I can’t bring myself to message you. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I can’t even look you in the eye when I talk to you anymore. Because it hurts too much. It hurts so much to think that you might have never thought of me how I think of you. How you probably don’t think of me everyday like how I can’t get you out of my fucking head for one fucking day. One fucking night. And now I have to see you twice a week at school, and it sucks.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like you. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. I just can’t. It hurts too much. And I feel like such a fucking bitch because of it. Why am I so down? Why do I fucking think of you so much? Why can’t I get you out of my fucking head? When I know I’ve never been in yours. When I feel deep down that your thoughts and feelings for me were fake, or not fake, but a lie. A distraction. How I feel like I was just an excuse for you to get him to pay attention to you. I know that sounds really fucking mean, and it probably isn’t true, entirely, but I can’t help but think that.
I miss you so much. I miss spending time with you. I miss enjoying every second we were together. I miss wondering why it felt like time went by so fast when we were together. But I feel like you don’t. I feel like you never did. And it makes me feel so shitty. I feel so dead on the inside, and I think it’s been a long time since I felt like this.
Please please please. Stop running through my mind all day every day. I don’t want to think about you anymore. At least, not right now. So if I seem cold to you for a while, I’m sorry. I’m pushing you away. Because I can’t handle it. Because I’m fucking weak. Because I don’t want to think about this shit anymore. I’m not mad. I’m just tired.
I won’t text you back as soon as I read your text anymore. I won’t try to start a conversation with you anymore. I won’t send you random shit anymore. I won’t compliment you anymore. I won’t flirt with you anymore.
Because I don’t want to fucking think about you anymore. Because I don’t want to hurt anymore. Because I’m fucking over it.
Because I fell way too fucking hard for you. Because I think the world of you. Because I want you to bloom. Because I want you to succeed. Because I want you to think about me. Because I want you to miss me. Because I just want you to be fucking happy. Because I want you. Because I miss you so fucking much. But you don’t.
We’re just friends now. From a distance. We’re just classmates. Fucking get over it, C. Quit being such a little bitch about this.