Tales of a fucking douche.

[cjpellets]

Hewo.

hello

[cjpellets]

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This one’s pretty interesting.

I found my new favorite song. OG Luv Kush p.2 by KAIIT. And there’s this line in there that I’m kinda amazed that I resonate with at this moment. “You’re never really on my mind, I just think of you from time to time.” I finally started not thinking about you for what seemed like all the time. And I love it.

Well I guess not really. Because I think I just transferred that to someone else. Someone I just met lol. Ugh why am I like this? Am I just setting myself up for failure again? I mean I’m pretty sure I’m really not feeling that much. But feeling SOMETHING again is refreshing to be honest. I forgot I can feel this way. So I think this is a good thing in a way too. 

Either way I love that song so much right now.

[cjpellets]

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I should’ve numbered these untitled’s huh?

But, anyways. Today, I finally found another song I completely fucking related to. It’s Ruel - Not Thinkin’ Bout You. Holy. Fucking. Shit. And especially since it’s a collab with my favorite male Korean artist Sam Kim. The lyrics are so fucking on point. The arrangement of this piece in the video is fucking outstanding. And the fucking picturesque cinematics and directing of the video are indicative of Korean live music recording sessions. So masterfully executed!

Ugh, I haven’t been this excited hearing a song in such a long time. Like I felt the first genuine moment of happiness I have in such a long time listening to this song. Even though the lyrics of this song are so fucking sad, and so true to my own feelings. Hearing a song I can relate to so much made me so fucking happy. This song’s inspired me again.

I guess I didn’t notice, but I haven’t been into doing music related things in a while. School been keeping me busy, and I guess I was just feeling really tired and uninspired with music. But this song man. This fucking song. Thank you, Ruel and Sam Kim.

AND TO TOP IT OFF. I found a fucking acoustic arrangement of this song by a talented and dope acoustic artist. I seriously can’t wait to learn this shit and cover it. It’s been sooooo long since I’ve felt this twinge of happiness. The search for songs I can relate to this much is tough. But, now I’m inspired to write again. To be able to express myself like Ruel did in this song with such musicality. Thank you music. I love you.

[cjpellets]

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I think I’m going to write you a letter. I think instead of telling you outright, I’m going to write you a letter. On the last day we have to see each other. 

I know if I tell you outright, I know there’s still going to be things I want to say that I didn’t get to for whatever reason. So I’ll write out all my feelings. Spill them out for you one last time, for real this time. Even if you don’t care about seeing them. Not for you. For me.

I’m going to tell you everything I’ve ever wanted to say to you. I hope it doesn’t get too long. And I hope my handwriting doesn’t suck too much lol. 

[cjpellets]

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I miss you so fucking much. Why? Why can’t I get you out of my head? When you probably don’t think about me at all. Fuck. I hate this so much. I hate this so fucking much.

Please, leave my mind. You’re not welcome here anymore. I keep imagining what it would be like if you were here with me. If everything went back to the way it was last semester. I’m so alone. I’m so fucking alone. All I can do is think. And all I ever fucking think about is you. Why? Why has this affected me so much? When it seems like it’s barely affected you at all. How much more invested was I than you were?

Do you still think about me? Is there a day that goes by that you don’t think of me? Because there’s never a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I can’t stand it. It still hurts so much to think about you. I think about you laying next to me at my new place. I think about holding you at night. I think about waking up with you in the morning. I think about you when I see cute things. I think about you when I go to a cute new place. So many things remind me of you. I just want to forget you. Not because I want to forget all the good times that we’ve shared together. But because I want to forget all this pain that I’ve been feeling for so long. Please, just please. Can you just leave?

We’re about half way through the semester. I can’t wait until it ends so I can say my final goodbyes to you. But at the same time. I’m dreading it. Because I know I’ll probably never see you again. But I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.

You’re the only person I ever want to talk to. My mood still rises on the days I get to see you. Isn’t that so fucking fucked? Then when the weekend comes and I’m alone again, the dark cloud comes back. Every night the dark cloud comes back. And I still can’t shake it.

My heart hurts. It’s been hurting. And I’m so fucking over it. I don’t think I even want to be happy anymore. I just want to be numb. I don’t want to fucking feel this shit anymore.

You’re cute fucking smile used to brighten my day so much. Now it just feels like I’m getting stabbed in the heart. Why can’t I let you go? I need to let you go.

[cjpellets]

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I guess I lied about the last letter being the last letter. I really need to write my feelings out again.

I’ve finally accepted that I’m depressed. As fuck. I don’t like eating. I don’t like talking to people. I don’t like anything. Except music.

So thank you for that, honestly. All of these feelings have made me reconnect with music like I never have before. I’m finally writing my first song. I’ve finally gotten the drive to express myself how I’ve always wanted to. Through music. Through creation. Through making something for myself.

The song is about you. It’s funny because I really want you to hear it. But I really don’t want you to hear it. I think it would just make you really sad. But I still want you to see how I express myself through music. Because it’s because of you that I’m finally able to. I’ll never show you the song, but if you happen upon it one day, I’m sorry. It’s about you. I hope it won’t hurt you too much hearing it if you do. Because I hope you don’t. But I hope you do.

I’ve made up my mind. After our last obligation to be around each other, after finals, I have to talk to you. I know I pinky promised I’d always be around, and even all of my friends know that I never break a promise. But this time it’s different. I literally can’t. I hope you understand. I can’t move on if I’m still talking to you. So after this semester is over, I don’t think we should talk anymore. I just want to move past these terrible feelings. I want this forever looming dark cloud to go the fuck away. 

Maybe some day in the not so near future we can be friends again. But I can already feel it. It’s going to be a long time before I’ll be able to move on. And I can’t do that if we’re still talking to each other. I know deep down inside I’ll be waiting for you to talk to me. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. This is going to be for me. I have to let you go. I don’t want to. But I have to.

I don’t like talking to anyone right now and I feel like shit because of it. People are coming to me with their problems and asking me for help and advice. But I can’t even follow what I’m telling them. And I don’t want to talk to them either. I don’t want to talk to anyone. But you. Wow. Ain’t that about a bitch? If anyone else messages me, I have pretty much no desire to talk to them. But as soon as I get a text from you. I want to answer. So bad. Because you’re the only person I like talking to.

But I have to let you go. Because I can’t keep doing this to myself. I don’t want to play these games anymore. I want to be happy again. Genuinely happy. And I hope you are too. I hope you will be too. 

After I graduate, we’ll probably never see each other again. And that kind of breaks my heart. But my heart is so broken already, I don’t know if there’s any more pieces left to break.

[cjpellets]

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So, I moved out of the house a couple weeks ago. I was pretty sad about it for a while. All the memories we made there, I want to cherish them and keep them with me forever. But, I can’t. But, I won’t. 

They hurt too much to keep. I never want to think of them again. To be honest, I never want to think of you again. But, that’s a lie and I know it. But, I keep telling myself that because I don’t want to fucking hurt anymore. And every time I think of you my heart starts to hurt. Which is. Every. Fucking. Day. I’m still waiting for the day that I won’t think about you. I don’t know how long it’ll be from now, but I hope it’s soon. Because this is the longest I’ve ever been this sad. And I fucking hate it. I fucking hate you. I don’t fucking hate you. Who am I kidding. 

You showed up in my life like a flash. Then you left. Now I’m here all alone again. Insecure as ever. Sad as ever. Hating myself as ever. And since we still have classes together, I can’t help but think about you. And it fucking sucks. I should’ve never agreed to take these classes with you. Now I can’t wait until this semester is over. And after this semester is over, I don’t think I want to talk to you again. Because after this semester, we’ll have no obligations to see each other again. Ever. And I can’t wait. 

I think this hit me so hard because it was like a domino effect. I had just been broken and shattered last April. Then as I was getting up on my feet again. Starting to be ok with myself again. Making moves for myself. I ran into you. Then I made the stupidest decision to try to get into it with you. Boi was that the wrong fucking choice. Then you shattered me again. Not completely your fault though, because I was the one who initiated things. I was already shattered to begin with. And being shattered again, I think it’ll take me a long long long time to come back. A long time to be ok with myself again. A long time to think I’m worth something, anything again. Because I’ve been thrown away twice. Second choice twice. In such a short time. And that’s tough. That’s real fucking tough. I feel worthless. The other day I sat in bed just thinking, “why ain’t nobody want me?”. “Why am I always second choice?” “Why do people always put someone else over me?”. Fuck. I just want somebody to want me. I just want somebody to be as crazy as I am about them. 

You told me that I’m like a lost puppy to you. And you’re the owner that left me on someone else’s doorstep. But you didn’t leave me on someone else’s doorstep. You left me in the middle of nowhere. Because, I’m all alone now. I don’t have anybody. But you do.

Even though I’m trying to talk to other girls again. I talk to them, but the only person I want to talk to is you. Isn’t that so fucking fucked? How fucked in the head am I? What did you do to me? What did I do to myself? I think I just want to be alone. I think I have to be alone. I am alone now though. It’s always been this way. But even more so that I live by myself now. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to talk to you. I just want to be alone.

Sincerely, from the bottom of my fucking broken shattered heart. I hope you’re happy. Because I’m not. And I don’t want you to feel this way. I’ll take the burden of these feelings for the both of us. But I don’t think you’ve ever felt that way about me. Not for real at least. I hate feelings. I hated valentines day. I hate relationships. Everything about love disgusts me now. But I hope you’re happy. I hope you feel loved. I hope he treats you how you deserve to be treated.

I think this is the last letter I’ll write to you. And I hope you never read any of these. I don’t want you to see the dark corner I’ve been in. I just want you to be happy. And this time, I don’t want to be a part of it. I think this is the first time I really want to break one of my pinky promises. And I’m pretty sure I will. I promised you I’d always be around, for you. But for me, I don’t think I can. I don’t think I will. After this semester is over, I’m going to disappear from your life. And I don’t think I’ll ever come back.

I moved out of the house a couple weeks ago. We made so many memories there in such a short time. And I told myself I’d leave them all there. And I told myself I’d leave you behind there too.

[cjpellets]

I just want to be fucking happy.

[cjpellets]

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If it feels like I’m pushing you away right now, it’s because I am. I’m sorry. I don’t know any other way to do this. I’m hurting so much and I don’t know why. I’ve had too much time to think over the break, and seeing you again brought a lot of things back.

It sucks that I can’t be how I was around you. It was so comfortable to me, when it never was before. Complimenting you at every chance, calling you baby, flirting outside of class, staring into your eyes when I talk to you, doing the subconscious look at your lips to get you to want to kiss me. Fuck, school was so fun to go to because of you last semester. Now it’s a drag. Yea, I’m excited about some of my classes because they seem cool and I feel like I’m going to learn a lot of good shit this semester, but I’m just not feeling it. Like I don’t even want to see you at school now because it just makes me sad.

There’s so many things I want to tell you. How my classes were, how cute I think you look in your new shoes, in your new glasses, with your new haircut. I want you to tell me how your day was, go on a rant about your professors or your classmates or future group mates. But I can’t bring myself to message you. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I can’t even look you in the eye when I talk to you anymore. Because it hurts too much. It hurts so much to think that you might have never thought of me how I think of you. How you probably don’t think of me everyday like how I can’t get you out of my fucking head for one fucking day. One fucking night. And now I have to see you twice a week at school, and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like you. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. I just can’t. It hurts too much. And I feel like such a fucking bitch because of it. Why am I so down? Why do I fucking think of you so much? Why can’t I get you out of my fucking head? When I know I’ve never been in yours. When I feel deep down that your thoughts and feelings for me were fake, or not fake, but a lie. A distraction. How I feel like I was just an excuse for you to get him to pay attention to you. I know that sounds really fucking mean, and it probably isn’t true, entirely, but I can’t help but think that.

I miss you so much. I miss spending time with you. I miss enjoying every second we were together. I miss wondering why it felt like time went by so fast when we were together. But I feel like you don’t. I feel like you never did. And it makes me feel so shitty. I feel so dead on the inside, and I think it’s been a long time since I felt like this.

Please please please. Stop running through my mind all day every day. I don’t want to think about you anymore. At least, not right now. So if I seem cold to you for a while, I’m sorry. I’m pushing you away. Because I can’t handle it. Because I’m fucking weak. Because I don’t want to think about this shit anymore. I’m not mad. I’m just tired.

I won’t text you back as soon as I read your text anymore. I won’t try to start a conversation with you anymore. I won’t send you random shit anymore. I won’t compliment you anymore. I won’t flirt with you anymore.

Because I don’t want to fucking think about you anymore. Because I don’t want to hurt anymore. Because I’m fucking over it.

Because I fell way too fucking hard for you. Because I think the world of you. Because I want you to bloom. Because I want you to succeed. Because I want you to think about me. Because I want you to miss me. Because I just want you to be fucking happy. Because I want you. Because I miss you so fucking much. But you don’t.

We’re just friends now. From a distance. We’re just classmates. Fucking get over it, C. Quit being such a little bitch about this.

[cjpellets]

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I get high in hopes that my demons will shut the fuck up. But they never do. And I never learn.

[cjpellets]

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I still feel it. I still feel for you. But I’m getting a little colder every day. It probably won’t be long now.

I really don’t want to do this (Especially because I’m listening to First Time acoustic right now and I really miss you). Like it feels wrong to let go of these feelings. My whole body wants you. But I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. 

So I’m moving on. I’m shutting my feelings out. I’m shutting you out. I might even be shutting myself out. I don’t really know at this point. I guess I’m shutting everyone out. I don’t really want to let anyone in for a while. I just want to be by myself.

I’ll put up a facade though. I really don’t like being cold and mean to people. It doesn’t feel right. But I don’t really want to talk to anyone either. I really miss having someone to talk to though. Someone that I can let my real feelings out to. It’s nice. It’s really, really nice. 

I don’t like being or feeling disconnected with people. But right now, it’s the only way I know how to keep moving. Life don’t stop for nobody. It sure as hell won’t stop for me. Not for a second. 

It’s ok. I’ll be ok. I just have to keep telling myself that. I’ve done this before. I ain’t brand new.

[cjpellets]

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Damn I should’ve never read that. That wasn’t meant for me to read. Why do I do this to myself. It almost feels like I was waiting for this. I’m sorry I read that. I know I wasn’t supposed to. I’m sorry I read any of it. I can’t think about this anymore. I can’t think about you anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. It hurts too much. So I’m shutting you out. 

I’m tired of thinking about you. I’m tired of wondering if you’re online. I’m tired of wishing that you were thinking about me. I’m tired of hoping that you miss me. I’m tired of constantly checking my phone to see if you messaged me. I’m tired of wanting to respond right away when you did. I’m tired of being high at night and only thinking of you. I’m tired of being the other guy. I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of feeling pathetic. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.

I told you last time that that was the last time. I didn’t say it to influence your decision. I said it so you’d know. That I’m not doing it again. This is the hardest and fastest I’ve fallen for sure. I don’t know how or why. But I’m still thankful for it. You showed me so much, so fast. I showed you who I be. I showed you what I’m about. That’s all I can offer. I won’t try anymore. I’ve fallen deep into this hole. Now I have to build walls inside and climb them to get out.

I guess it’s really time to accept it now. I’m letting you go. The walls will be up the next time I see you. I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. This is the only way I know how to keep going. Thank you for the lesson. I appreciate you.

The ship is setting sail soon. I’m boarding now.

[cjpellets]

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I can feel myself getting colder every passing day. I can feel myself not caring more every passing day. I can feel myself returning to the way I was when I had no one to talk to. I’m not sure if I want this. I guess it’s my coping mechanism because my heart doesn’t want to hurt anymore. My mind doesn’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t want to be sad over this anymore.

I have a feeling that when I see you again it’ll all come rushing back though. I’m not sure if I want that either. Because it won’t be the same as before. I don’t think it ever will be. I have to take off my rose colored glasses now. They’re the wrong prescription anyways.

We’re resetting once school starts again. My heart still wants us to go back to that point, then take it to the sky. But this time, I’ll have the right glasses on. But this time, I want to do things the right way. But this time, I want it to happen naturally. Naturally, or not at all.

The ship is setting sail soon. But I’ll still be the last one to board.

[cjpellets]

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After three days I think I finally stopped wondering if every single notification I got was going to be you. Then you text me again. What a trip.

[cjpellets]

Spring semester is starting soon. This housing shit is stressing me out. I just need a place to live. Fuck. Everyone.

[cjpellets]

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I want to touch you. I want to feel you. I want to hold you. I want to talk to you. I want to be with you.

I just want to feel that you’re beside me. I just want to feel that you’re with me. I just want to feel that you’re looking at me. I just want to feel that you’re thinking of me.

I don’t want to feel like I’m invisible anymore. I don’t want to feel like I feel when you look off into the distance thinking of him while I’m sitting next to you. I don’t want to be just a distraction from your real feelings. I don’t want to be the second one in your heart.

I want to run through your mind all day like you run through mine. I want you to look at me like I look at you. I want you to feel the butterflies I feel when you lace your fingers through my fingers. I want you to know how happy I feel when you kiss me unexpectedly. 

You know, they say that all poets must have an unrequited love. But, I’m not a poet. And I’m not as patient as I seem to be. And I’m not as selfless as I seem to be.

I can feel the walls surrounding my heart growing. I just hope you’ll be willing to climb them before I make the decision to seal the top. Because I’ve done it before. And there’s no going back.

I’ll wait for you as long as I can. But I won’t be here for long.

[cjpellets]

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I miss you so much. I miss the way things were. But it’s better this way. Your feelings got really chaotic towards the end there, so it is better this way. I keep telling myself that. Maybe it’ll never be the way it was before. At least I don’t think it will be. Only time will tell. But I miss you so much. But I’ll never tell you. At least not now. At least not for a long time.