2018: Incredible Plot Twist
I failed to blog much at all this year. The stuff that was on my heart went mostly to wordy Instagram captions. Looking at the year in reality, made the promises God spoke to me this year be the ultimate plot twist. Just a year ago I was attempting to keep God's calling at arms length, to now. I never could've expected that I'd be where I am. Its insane where a simple ‘yes’ can take you.
Obedience and love has been the biggest themes this year. I’ve come along ways in God’s love since the first time I ever experienced it at a Barlow Girl concert when I was 16, as they sang How He Loves. There’s been so much growth, many testimonies that I have of God's goodness and faithfulness and some that I’ve yet to see victory still.
There were so many little plot twist during the year I never could've imagined where it would all lead. God gave me a word that wrecked my life(its briefly come up in other things I've written) about "Love til it hurts. Because I loved you til hurt." The words He gave were extensive and direct concerning a few select people. I found myself fighting for friendships and people that I was honestly hurt by and bitter over the situations. Why do I sacrifice so much for people who could care less or want to act like I don’t exist? In faith, I kept telling God, "Hey remember what You said, it doesn’t end like this?!" Obviously He knows, but I needed to remind myself of the promised and words He had given me during the year of the outcomes turning out different than what my eyes could see.
I have seen His words come true when in reality it looked like believing for those things would make you seem crazy. I have experienced mending and restoration of friendships, I have walked through so much healing, I have experienced His blessings and goodness, and I have heard the Father's voice calling me further and deeper into His love.
Sometimes it was loving out of obedience. As I stepped out to do what He asked, I found a grace to serve and love like I've never been capable to before. I'd always loved from a distance, never had it been an act of love. It was going out of my way to give time, attention, words, money and sleep as an act of love. In the comparison to His perfect love, I saw how flawed and imperfect my love is. God gave me grace to love beyond people's mistakes and flaws; to see them the way He sees them. I was faced with how selfless His love is for us…no hidden motives, no strings attached, no matter what we do He loves us. Love people and expect nothing in return
The year was amazing as look back at what happened. Was it void of pain, hurt, disappointments, obstacles, mistakes, and completely falling flat on my face, nope. I've been burnt by people and community previously, moving to the mountains in a cabin alone sounded nice at times. Well into the year I found myself in the same place that I'd spent years previously, lonely, feeling invisible and friendless. At times caught in the cross fire of some things I never asked for, pulled into drama by association, and ignored. It was just in a new church, with different people, but same experience as before. I couldn't figure out why the past seemed to repeat itself. I just have to say you'll never feel more invisible, than when even the auto paper towel machines in the bathroom won’t even spit out a paper towel no matter how much you wave your hands. #Invisible Friendships have seemly always been a struggle for me and in many ways this year wasn’t any different but I’ve grown so much. I’ve gained some great strong friendship during the year! I can’t even put to words how thankful I am for those people.
Up until this year I spent my entire life running from my problems, issues, pain and myself. I was so afraid of vulnerability and honesty. I’d never really learned who I was, and quite frankly was afraid to find out. I got good at hobbies to keep people from seeing me. I stayed incredibly busy all the time to keep the real ugly me from catching up with me. I NEVER trusted anyone. I literally did not have emotions before this year. God used friends I'd known for only a few months to absolutely break down my walls. I am still learning how to be vulnerable and honest with myself, God and others. It’s a process that has been difficult and uncomfortable. God kept telling me to trust certain people with personal information and everything in me hated it, but its been worth it. This area is growth has been so substantial and I can honestly say I am not who I used to be.
Obedience has been a big mark of my life this year. I've always been one to want to serve and give of my time to help others. God asked me to give of myself in ways that never before have I done. I did not know what it was going to look like or how it was going to go. Part of loving til it hurts, I didn't realize how much my bank account was going to be involved. And the worst part of what God asked me to do with my money, it could not be anonymous. Those people had to know it came from me. It scared me, my reputation, my relationships, my money was on the line because I said yes. And I'll admit it was not always easy saying yes. I’m not here to brag about what I did. Each individual that God asked me to bless has their own testimony of God's faithfulness, goodness and love because of my obedience.
After 2 years of being away from worship team I rejoined. I had known I was supposed to be involved and the time was coming but for the longest time I didn’t know when the Lord would give me the green light to do it. After serving behind the scenes for a good portion of the year I finally set foot on stage once again. I don’t like the spot light but there is a part of me that knows it’s where I’m called.
All this blog to sum up that I've never heard God's voice more or so clearly than this year. Early in the year my car radio randomly stopped working. I found myself sitting in silence hating it, before God prompted me to use the time to pray for the situations and people I was dealing with. I struggled to know what to say when praying aloud and honestly I hate hearing my own voice. Almost 4 months to the day that it stopped working, it worked again. Those 4 months were maybe some of the hardest moments of the year. Almost as if to say, "This is going to be a hard time so you should pray instead of zone out." I’ve followed His leading to do some interesting, terrifying and exciting things. All year He has kept speaking even when I least expected to hear His voice.
There was so much crazy stuff that happened this year. I could make this blog hugely long but I’ve condensed it down this much to the main big points of the year. I could not even make it up how crazy the year was, but God’s faithfulness and goodness seeps through in every situation. The whole year seems like one real hard fought struggle but with that comes the great victories. Things that looked like they would never change either have begun to or have shifted this year. I've never been able to attest to God's faithfulness and goodness so much than I have this year. Its been an amazing year.
I’m incredibly thankful for the friends who have come along or been beside me through this year.
Looking Forward To New Things in 2019,
KTJ