I Am Understood?

You looked into my life and never stopped. And you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me. Before I even speak. You let me know, I am understood. -Relient K

[katojordan]

2019: Its Been A Year

 I admit I’ve worked on this for a few weeks now trying to find the right words to convey my year. Many versions & frustrations later the Lord spoke to me about stop trying to sanitize my story so far that it seems all neat and looks like I never struggled. But since that’s not the case. Here we go. 

But I think to get the whole picture of this year I have to go back two.   Without over sharing details to make this a book.  In short, over two years ago I found myself in a very broken place that I accepted as defeat, I had been running from my calling, running from God, til I was all alone wandering in a wilderness season being beckoned by the Lord to come back to Him.  I had heard God's voice but ran the other way wanting to avoid it.  In that wilderness I encountered a “burning bush” moment. It meant turning around and going back through everything I’d ran from.  I’d come face to face with myself and done all the running I could do and I couldn’t escape myself.

The Lord asked for me, all of me.  I once again experienced His love.  In return He asked me to love and give like I never had before.  Sometimes He asked the craziest, scariest things and was I going to fold in fear or step out.  That obedience opened doors that I never could’ve imagined. At the end of last year God gave me a verse in Isaiah , “see I am doing a new thing.” I was like, "Alright God, I don’t know what that means but I'm down."  Ooh maaan, was I in for a ride.

Now to 2019, I worked a lot, built some guitars, paint/drew some pictures, wrote a lot, deepened some good friendships, gained a sister, oh and got a tattoo. The end.  Ha but really truthfully, I realized I really don’t even know who I am. There is so many ways I could go with this blog so I'll take you through a quick flyover of what happened. My identity had come from my hard work, my successes, my hobbies, and my serving.  I’d hid behind all those things to keep myself from really catching up with me. I had never had the courage to ever face all my issues that I’d kept burying. Insecurity ridden and they all seemed to come out one right after another. You can’t outrun you very long when God gets ahold of you.  He asked for my honesty, vulnerability, and trust like never before.  I’ve ever only really trusted in myself and my own abilities.  The cynic in me just couldn’t see the good of trusting anyone else, but that was just what He asked for.   Hope was just a dream, His promises were laughable to me for along time.  I had strived to be valued and loved and that left me so broken and empty.  As my tattoo reminds me often I am “worthy of love”

I saw what the enemy had meant to take me out with(and at times almost did), God is turning around for a victory. I had to show up the battle every day and fight with everything I had. And truthfully some days I did not have much.  The Lord asked me to give up the lies, hurts, pains & everything else I’d sunk my identity into.  Sooo many lies I’d let infect my mind like poison. As I began to filter the lies I learned a lot of what I wasn’t but very little of who I was. That my friends is hard. When you feel like you haven’t even got a leg to stand on concerning who you are.  When everything you’ve ever known is wrong and you don’t like yourself much for who you’ve been. I had carried so much baggage and secrets for so many years and finally without any other options were exposed. I’d never been so open with people that I trusted. Shame and depression kept creeping its way in and trying to suffocate me.  

I think like the Israelites leaving Egypt in Exodus 14 suddenly being free and yet as soon as they were pressed by the Egyptians they wanted to go back to being slaves. I wanted to be free so badly, but when the pressure came being a slave to all the bondages sounded easier. The temptation to go back to what I’ve always known was stronger than its ever been.  Why in those moments of the uncomfortable, the old dysfunctional ways look better than healing?  Wholeness looked far off and impossible most days.  It was a painstaking process of allowing God to invade some very broken places and heal me. I’ve taken great strides and gained a lot of ground since January.  I look back at pictures and my writings this past year and I’m in awe of the progress, I hardly recognize that girl from back then.  The same old things that I’ve always struggled with in the past, I no longer do.  I’ve walked in so much freedom that I never thought could exist. 

I know this just skimmed the surface of 2019 and it is a bit vague. As we move in 2020 I know God asks for more honest and vulnerability than ever before. But as you read this and my other stories coming this next year I hope you can relate in some way, never feel alone & are encouraged by them. You may be surprised what you see in 2020, but then again probably so will I.

[katojordan]

2018: Incredible Plot Twist

I failed to blog much at all this year.  The stuff that was on my heart went mostly to wordy Instagram captions.  Looking at the year in reality, made the promises  God spoke to me this year be the ultimate plot twist.  Just a year ago I was attempting to keep God's calling at arms length, to now. I never could've expected that I'd be where I am.  Its insane where a simple ‘yes’ can take you.

 Obedience and love has been the biggest themes this year.   I’ve come along ways in God’s love since the first time I ever experienced it at a Barlow Girl concert when I was 16, as they sang How He Loves.  There’s been so much growth, many testimonies that I have of God's goodness and faithfulness and some that I’ve yet to see victory still.

  There were so many little plot twist during the year I never could've imagined where it would all lead.  God gave me a word that wrecked my life(its briefly come up in other things I've written) about "Love til it hurts.  Because I loved you til hurt."  The words He gave were extensive and direct concerning a few select people.  I found myself fighting for friendships and people that I was honestly hurt by and bitter over the situations.  Why do I sacrifice so much for people who could care less or want to act like I don’t exist?   In faith, I kept telling God, "Hey remember what You said, it doesn’t end like this?!"  Obviously He knows, but I needed to remind myself of the promised and words He had given me during the year of the outcomes turning out different than what my eyes could see.

I have seen His words come true when in reality it looked like believing for those things would make you seem crazy.  I have experienced mending and restoration of friendships, I have walked through so much healing, I have experienced His blessings and goodness, and I have heard the Father's voice calling me further and deeper into His love.

     Sometimes it was loving out of obedience.  As I stepped out to do what He asked, I found a grace to serve and love like I've never been capable to before.  I'd always loved from a distance, never had it been an act of love. It was going out of my way to give time, attention, words, money and sleep as an act of love.  In the comparison to His perfect love, I saw how flawed and imperfect my love is.  God gave me grace to love beyond people's mistakes and flaws; to see them the way He sees them.  I was faced with how selfless His love is for us…no hidden motives, no strings attached, no matter what we do He loves us.  Love people and expect nothing in return

The year was amazing as look back at what happened.  Was it void of pain, hurt, disappointments, obstacles, mistakes, and completely falling flat on my face, nope.  I've been burnt by people and community previously, moving to the mountains in a cabin alone sounded nice at times.  Well into the year I found myself in the same place that I'd spent years previously, lonely, feeling invisible and friendless.  At times caught in the cross fire of some things I never asked for, pulled into drama by association, and ignored.  It was just in a new church, with different people, but same experience as before. I couldn't figure out why the past seemed to repeat itself. I just have to say you'll never feel more invisible, than when even the auto paper towel machines in the bathroom won’t even spit out a paper towel no matter how much you wave your hands. #Invisible  Friendships have seemly always been a struggle for me and in many ways this year wasn’t any different but I’ve grown so much.   I’ve gained some great strong friendship during the year!  I can’t even put to words how thankful I am for those people. 

Up until this year I spent my entire life running from my problems, issues, pain and myself. I was so afraid of vulnerability and honesty.  I’d never really learned who I was, and quite frankly was afraid to find out. I got good at hobbies to keep people from seeing me. I stayed incredibly busy all the time to keep the real ugly me from catching up with me.  I NEVER trusted anyone.  I literally did not have emotions before this year. God used friends I'd known for only a few months to absolutely break down my walls. I am still learning how to be vulnerable and honest with myself, God and others.  It’s a process that has been difficult and uncomfortable.  God kept telling me to trust certain people with personal information and everything in me hated it, but its been worth it. This area is growth has been so substantial and I can honestly say I am not who I used to be.

         Obedience has been a big mark of my life this year.  I've always been one to want to serve and give of my time to help others.  God asked me to give of myself in ways that never before have I done.  I did not know what it was going to look like or how it was going to go.  Part of loving til it hurts, I didn't realize how much my bank account was going to be involved.  And the worst part of what God asked me to do with my money, it could not be anonymous. Those people had to know it came from me.  It scared me, my reputation, my relationships, my money was on the line because I said yes.  And I'll admit it was not always easy saying yes.  I’m not here to brag about what I did.  Each individual that God asked me to bless has their own testimony of God's faithfulness, goodness and love because of my obedience.   

After 2 years of being away from worship team I rejoined. I had known I was supposed to be involved and the time was coming but for the longest time I didn’t know when the Lord would give me the green light to do it. After serving behind the scenes for a good portion of the year I finally set foot on stage once again. I don’t like the spot light but there is a part of me that knows it’s where I’m called.

        All this blog to sum up that I've never heard God's voice more or so clearly than this year. Early in the year my car radio randomly stopped working.  I found myself sitting in silence hating it, before God prompted me to use the time to pray for the situations and people I was dealing with. I struggled to know what to say when praying aloud and honestly I hate hearing my own voice.   Almost 4 months to the day that it stopped working, it worked again.  Those 4 months were maybe some of the hardest moments of the year.  Almost as if to say, "This is going to be a hard time so you should pray instead of zone out."  I’ve followed His leading to do some interesting, terrifying and exciting things.  All year He has kept speaking even when I least expected to hear His voice.

There was so much crazy stuff that happened this year.  I could make this blog hugely long but I’ve condensed it down this much to the main big points of the year.  I could not even make it up how crazy the year was, but God’s faithfulness and goodness seeps through in every situation.  The whole year seems like one real hard fought struggle but with that comes the great victories. Things that looked like they would never change either have begun to or have shifted this year.  I've never been able to attest to God's faithfulness and goodness so much than I have this year. Its been an amazing year. 

 I’m incredibly thankful for the friends who have come along or been beside me through this year.

Looking Forward To New Things in 2019,

   KTJ 

[katojordan]

Victory Worship

I thought I'd go into this story a bit deeper as a blog.  I think I write this testimony more for my own memory than for anyone else but if others find encouragement and hope from it, it's all for Gods glory anyway. 

 I was reminded of a journal entry I made in my note app over 3 years ago.  I started that entry  with hope of what God had promised me coming true before I could ever know how it would actually look.  I didn't know if it would be months, years, or decades before I saw the fulfillment of what God had called me too.  As time went on I logged what the current status and progression of that calling.  I wanted to be able to look back and see Gods faithfulness when the call seemed so far away. 

        I'd learned to keep things to myself because much of the time I was ridiculed for saying that I felt God had called me to lead worship.  People knew me, they knew I couldn’t sing, they knew I was too shy, they couldn't see me leading anything, and I was told I lacked the skill.    So many insecurities and doubts ruled.  What if what everyone said was true, what if I misunderstood God, what if the doubts I had were really true and I can't do this? Fears for so long kept me from stepping out and telling people who could help me.  For much of the time it was all I could do to stand on stage and play acoustic guitar.  No one could see it, but I had such a raging sea of anxiety and fear in front of people.  But I’d never asked for the platform and I told God every time I played, “this is for You.”  If it was for me or for performance I never wanted to be on stage.    And that belief and reminder is what made me able to do what I did for so long despite uncontrollable anxiety.  And I think I should note: I got healed from anxiety a few years ago.  But that is another testimony and blog.

    Years ago after being pressed and prodded for more information in a meeting with my youth pastor at the time, I told her what I believed God had called me too.  She pushed me to tell the worship pastor.  After doing so I took 4 months of voice lessons.  I thought this must be the path, it must be the way.  Yet just when I thought I was now on my way to learning how to sing and lead, all the help was taken away.  I felt like I was always going to be stuck just being the bass player.  I felt like it would never happen and maybe I'd missed what God wanted.  I went back to learning, teaching myself, and growing in the seclusion of my room.  I made it my goal to record better and more cover songs than I'd ever done. 

     It seemed as though I was forgotten.  My call and my dreams had died.   I was frustrated at God that everything had not worked out as I thought it would.   However, I loved playing on worship team, I have never found so much purpose and satisfaction.   I had expanded from being the first female guitarist at FLC to playing bass and eventually piano those next few years.  But my dream of leading sat on the back burner once again.  I didn't really think about it much.  Years went by.   A change of worship leaders, a change of church locations and the eventual closing of Family Life Church/Nova Church spun me into apathy and frustration at the end of 2016. 

It really seemed as though God had left me on my own for those months immediately follow the shutting down of the only church I'd been able to call home.  I cried out for direction and for months heard nothing.  Until some week in February of 2017 I felt God calling me to Life Church.  I hadn't even attended one service there yet.  And I shoved that thought out of my mind and I ran the other way.  I told God, "you're kidding, right?," and took the easiest path, which was to veg out most Sunday's at my parents church (it’s a really good church)just not where I am called.  I wandered for much of the year searching for direction and purpose.

I really couldn't escape what God said, that I was called to serve and lead there.  Though it was far from my mind by the time I attended in March of 2017.  I came off and on throughout the year and I hated it, honestly.  I couldn't figure out why I thought God wanted me there.   I avoided socially connecting with anyone for months.  I didn't want any more flakey and shallow friends.  I didn't want to deal with the frustrations of being on a team that just didn't get it. I was enjoying having a 30k foot view of the workings and social interactions of the church.

A series of events happened that caused me to begin to connect with some people near the end of 2017.  I still held my distance, not ready to get involved in any capacity after almost completely burning myself out at my previous church.  A friend asked if when I was going to start serving and asked if I'd prayed about it.  Uuuh nope.  Afterwards I took time to do so and God told me that, "you are called here, get involved when you're healthy and feel ready."

As 2018 begin, God begin to again stir that call but I didn’t know why.  It was exciting and really terrifying all at the same time.  I really did not know how it would look in this season.   I'd just joined media team and in 9 straight years of worship, it was the first time I've done something other than worship team.  I've never led people in worship at really any capacity before.  I've never even been a background vocalist or side mic'd.  The amount of times I've sung in front of people was something I could count on one hand, and those hadn't gone so well, I thought.   

I was told that there was this lifegroup forming  that was focused on worship and prayer.  I did not really give it a thought, there would be all the worship leaders there and I wouldn’t have to do anything.  Until I got asked to start off a lifegroup with a few songs. I practiced 5 songs that week trying to narrow it to two.  I felt pretty confident about the songs Id chosen, hoping people would know them since much of my music influence is different from the majority. I knew Id be fine as long as my nerves didn't get the best of me right before or during worship(memories of starting a song and missing the key entirely haunted me). Starting the first song with technical difficulties and the mic not having signal but guitar being nice and loud. I pressed through it until half way through I was told to stop and let them fix the issue. I finished the song from the half way point and started into the second one which I could tell people knew much better. Its great see people being able to worship despite what my voice sounds like or if out of nerves I'm screwing up my strumming pattern. I remember getting done and going back to sit by a friend and feeling totally and completely drained. I walked 18 miles from Bogus Basin to Boise and felt less tired than I did in that moment. #introvertProblems I heard so many, "you did great! Good Jobs!" it almost makes me skeptical that I really did good, but God gets the glory.

  In conclusion, years ago when I heard Gods call it felt like He’d ask me to do an impossible task, it was as if he was asking me to run when all I was able to do was lay on the ground paralyzed by my own self. In all honesty I never saw myself being able to do what I’ve done. I'm amazed at how God has orchestrated every person, every event, every mistake, every miss opportunity, and all my flaws for His glory. He knew what I need to get me where He wanted me to be, and yes I still have a lot of learning and growth to do.  God used a few new friends to bring to light some things that I'd never dealt with that were holding me back from being myself and having courage to step out and do what I felt called to do.   Who I was just in November 2017, I don't think I would have been able to lead a few songs in front of 35 people. Its hard to explain but in the flesh I'm absolutely terrified of leading, yet in my spirit there is such a calmness because its what I’m supposed to do.  I'm excited to see what great things God has for me in this season. Growth is never easy, painless, or comfortable, but doing God’s will yields great rewards.

-KT

[katojordan]

2017: A Wanderer

I hear and read about people who talk about wandering as a fun, glamorous, beautiful and cool hipster idea of going with the flow and having no destination.  Its none of those things.  I’ve never been one to just aimlessly wander.  I always had a plan and known what to do to stick to it.  This year has not been a normal year for me.  I wandered for many months even when I knew I shouldn’t.  I searched but I did not even know what I searched for and aimlessly walked because I did not have any plan or any idea of where I should even be headed.  I didn’t know if I really wanted to be found.  But God found me in the wilderness that has been 2017.  His voice gentle, “Come this way, child, and I’ll show you your purpose."  I followed, but from a distance still, hesitant to full engage in where God was leading.  Unsure that I was ready to draw near.  Through the events of the previous year I’d been blinded by the disappointments and frustrations. I did not realize that I’d lost my purpose, I’d forgotten my calling.  

 I still come back to this event because I think it is only now that Ive finally been able to let go.  The breaking up of my church that I’d called home for the better part of 8 years of my life, it was the first and only place I’d called home.  The place that I learned so much from, ministry, worship, leadership, confidence, it shaped my identity.  I poured so much of myself and time into it through the years and suddenly it was gone.  It seemed like everyone moved on so quickly and I was still trying to figure out what to do with that shattered area of my life. It felt like that in some way I was taking it harder than everyone else.  

My response to drastic events such as that was to run.  Where did I run? Not to God.  I ran to the wilderness, like Moses after killing an Egyptian.  I was running from fears, disappointments, hurts, and myself.  I aimlessly wandered, I church hopped continuously for a few months despite everything I knew about not doing that.  No place felt settled, but I settled on one place, content to do nothing there but attend.   One part of me said rest, decompress, find healing.  The other part screamed, "DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF, FOOL!"   Well aware that the rest was very needed but that I would also not allow myself to stop serving altogether.  Though I wondered after an entire year of not being ready how long would I stay in a place of apathy.  Would I ever get to a place of wanting to serve again? Especially when I knew so many flaws and problem areas with the church.

  During the wilderness season God opened my eyes and I began to understand my calling and purpose again.  I did not realize it in the same way until I had not served for over a year.  I’ve always tried to avoid and hated the spotlight, I love working behind the scenes.   It’s always been odd to me that God called me to a visual public platform.   I understood in a new way, that in fact being on stage playing instruments is my purpose, worship is my calling.  Almost a year and a half of break from stage presence now.  Watching worship, having many years of experience, knowing every detail, the ins and outs of the songs, and understanding the atmosphere, I suddenly had a fresh vision for why I’m called to that.  I understand I have something more to bring to the team than my ability be versatile on 4 instruments.  Its more than just filling a spot on stage with an instrument in hand.  My heart for God, my heart for the people, my heart to worship, and having a greater vision for myself as a leader, and vision for the team, has given me a fresh look at my reason for why I do what I do.  A reaffirming of my purpose.  

The first ¾ of the year was this wandering.   Only in the last few months of the year and some recent events has given me direction, make goals, and stop wandering.  A seemly random conversation with a friend over lunch and God’s conviction had brought to light things I haven’t yet dealt with that hold me back from being who I need to be.   Everything has just kind of just clicked for me in these last few months and I’m beginning steps now to act on it.   I’m a destination person, I don’t love the process, but its been so good for me. Whether old friends or new friends, I’m thankful for the people who are in my life this year.  It’s sometimes those people that God uses the most to speak to me when I’m being hard hearted or hard headed. 

For the first time in a long while, I look forward to what the new year holds.

-KTJ

[katojordan]

6 Things Art Has Taught Me

I’ve begun to notice I have this NEED to create and build stuff.  If you have seen any of my social media stuff I think it apparent.  I do quite a bit of art stuff like drawing, painting and on occasion jewelry or clay or even wood working in my spare time. Some stuff I've made includes a longboard, a desk, a cello, and currently a mandolin. I've spent countless hours using drawing to relax and unwind, that got me to where I am. Sometimes the hardest part of the drawing is finding a decent picture. Over the years there are a few principles that I've used while drawing that apply to more than just drawing and painting. 

1. Being patient when it's not what I was expecting and not giving up when I don't like it This seems to happen to me regularly in art. I was drawing a rose in white chalk and had been working too long in one sitting. I looked up compared what I had against the picture I was drawing from and to me at that moment it didn't even look like a flower. I ran in the kitchen, grabbed a damp rag and began to wipe from the corner of the canvas toward the charcoal. I came within centimeters and stopped. I was starting to see the flower come through. Never ever had I been so hasty to completely destroy a picture before it had time to grow on me. I threw the rag on the floor, closed my drawing book, and worked on a different drawing. The next day I opened the drawing book and was surprised at how good the rose looked. My recent endeavor of learning oil paints has been the same experience. It's hard for me to wait 2-3 days for layers of paint to dry where as before with use of acrylics I had maybe 10-20 minutes of drying time. 

 My perspective in the moment may be disappointment or frustration because plans, circumstances, dreams aren't looking how I thought would look. I've got this far and it's nothing like what I thought it should be. It's the expectation gap. The gap between what I expect and reality. The difference is what I do about it. Give up, start over, or tweak it until I like it. Most of the time I struggle to see how I'm progressing but when I step back and give myself time to see how far I've come I always am thankful for not giving up.  

2. Practice makes me better 

 No matter what the context, practice betters your skill. Whether it's guitar, voice, studying, drawing, driving a car, biking, cooking, or snowboarding, you will get better over time. If I devoted the time I spend on drawings to other things I'm sure I could be much more successful at those things. (I many times get told I have too many irons in the fire and I should stop and just pick one. It seems like I could be diagnosed with ADD in hobbies. I love doing a little bit of everything). 

The hours I spend making the same little stroke for hair or stomping in my shading work gets the picture to what it is. It's practicing over and over and over again until that stroke becomes easy and natural. Practicing until I like what I see. It also gives me license to experiment with techniques and practice things I haven't tried before. Practice makes the drawing process faster. What used to take me literally 20 hours now can take me 2 hours. Every drawing is just practice and improving for the next one. I believe there are few ways you could practice drawing wrong other than just not doing it. But as with everything else in life there is usually a right and wrong way to do it (as I've found with teaching myself instruments). Practice purposely, intentionally, and the correct way at what you want to get better doing.

 3. Learn from mistakes and failures and move on 

 Yes, even with cool stuff you may see on my Instagram or Facebook--all of my well done art--I still screw it up horribly at times. Sometimes it just doesn’t turn out the way I intended now matter how hard I try (even after giving it time to grow on me). With drawing and painting it's generally very easy to erase or paint over a mistake. Drawing with pens, oil pastels, charcoal, colored pencils and other mediums that just don’t erase I find myself having to roll with the mistakes and work with it. There are drawings that I’ve got almost all the way done with and just stopped because it just wasn’t working. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Many times instead of erasing, I just grab another piece of paper and start over or I'm able to work it into the picture so most people will not catch it. Its the failures and mistakes that I don’t allow people to see, and sometimes people get the perception that everything I draw is a wonderful perfect work of art from the very beginning. It's a process. Even my finished paintings and drawings I'm rarely satisfied with every part of it. There tends to be always something that I wish I would’ve done better with. This one is hard for me in life. I find it's not so simple to just move on from mistakes and failures. I tend to want to dwell on them wonder if I could’ve done something differently. They stay with me and I don’t want to repeat the same mistake and have the same failures so I want to avoid anything to do with whatever circumstances caused it. It's easy to say from an art stand point because my life story doesn't rest on one picture. But sometimes it seems as though my life rests on a few large decisions and it's terrifying to think I might be able to screw that up by doing or not doing something. 

 4. Take a risk

 I love a good challenge. As I've taught myself to draw I've progressed through various subject matters that interest me. From animals to people to scenery to action sports and a little bit of still life even though that still bores me. I'm always looking for the next thing to draw that will be a challenge and in that I take a great risk of it not turning out how I want. I take a risk on a challenging picture just to see if I'm able to draw it.   I control every brush or pencil stroke and even yet it might not look like what I expected. I take a risk every time I do a portrait (many times without permission, a stolen profile picture from a friend's Facebook😬) that if I show it to them will they like it or maybe just lie to my face. I take a risk, a small risk, every time I post to social media. Will I get praise or criticism? How will I handle either when it comes? I'm building a mandolin right now. Its risk is what if I mess up an angle and it doesn't play right? Well what if. I have a hard time trying not to live in the what ifs. I like to have thought of everything, every possible way it could turn out but sometimes you have to step into the unknown and confront a friend, or share something personal, or talk to that stranger. You sometimes have to do stuff you've never done before.  Its in that risk where you learn and grow.  Take a risk.

 5. Don't let criticism steal your passion

 It's hard to hear someone's criticism of something you put effort into doing. And not something that I've done haphazardly with little thought. I took time, I cared, and people don't like it or think it looks bad. Its easy to take the criticism of and few and make it personal, "these few don’t like this picture or what I'm doing, therefore I'm bad at it." It's harder to hear criticism from those I love because they're opinion holds more weight. It stings a little more to have someone close to me point out something about a drawing that's not right, other times it just frustrates me because it seems like Ive done all I can do to fix it already and nothing is working.  Many times I can already see the problem spot and people just want to point it out for the sake of pointing it out. It's disheartening to get a lot of criticism on a project but it's a drive to make it better. I admit it's easier to ignore what people are saying altogether and leave a drawing alone or I can pick out the truth about what's said and fix it. In the end they may be seeing something about it that I am unable to see. 

 Don't let people's criticism steal the fun out of something you love doing. 

  I want to be a person who can take criticism well. Allowing that trusted friend Tell me how it really is, point out the areas that I need to work on, show me my blind spots and not get offended or make excuses. This is hard! 

 6. Embrace the process 

 This part in art and music is fun, the same part for me in life is not. In art stuff it's fun to search for a picture and think of every possible way I could do it. Decide on paper size and medium. Lightly sketch it in. Take time to fix perspective mistakes. Start shading. Smooth shading, sign name. That's the process in the most basic form. Every piece is a little different based on difficulty and subject matter. Painting involves many more steps and techniques sometimes I'm not sure how to go about the process. Every aspect of music is a process. From learning an instrument, writing music, recording music, playing music live, producing music. It's something I rather enjoy doing. Using the process to create and be creative. The end result of a song is rewarding but all the middle is where you really live and find inspiration. The middle of the process reminds you why you do what you do.

 In life I don't like the process. All the beginning and middle stuff is the worst. Most of the time I just want to see the end result without wanting to spend time on getting there. And most of the time I don't even know what the process is going to look like in life. I mean with drawing I always have a fairly good idea of what I want it to look like by the end but in life the season may end up completely different. I never thought I'd be doing this, be here, have these people as friends, not be friends with so-and-so any more, all because I had no idea what the end result would be during the process I was in. Even though I so very badly want to know what the final destination would look like. I really need to learn to live in the middle of the journey better and be content with progress during the process not just a destination. #WeGetThereWhenWeGetThere

[katojordan]

What Made Me A Musician

Sometimes the most unsuspecting things can bring up a memory and sometimes I think some of it should be shared.  I was with the NLA (Nova Leadership Academy) group after worship practice on a Wednesday evening.  One of our guitarists was talking about how much solace playing guitar is for him and how he never asked for the platform. I was sitting there just relating to what he was saying, as much of it holds true for me as well.  A thought ran through my head that I hadn't ever considered before.  

As I was sitting there God reminded me of how I got started in music. Go back a bunch of years to grade school, I never liked music, especially singing, even though I had a lot of favorite songs from the radio, maybe that should've been a clue.(was I the only kid who thought childrens songs were annoying and hated them?)   My parents really aren't that musical, other than how often they tell me that rap and metal isn’t music.(JK, They’ve come to quite enjoy Hillsong recently)   When I was like 4 or 5 my mom had a nylon string guitar that she had played a short time in college.  It had a broken B string on it.  I remember dragging that guitar around the house and banging on it and plucking on the strings to make sounds.  Couldn't read a lick of music let alone understand any theory but I thought it sounded cool.  I liked art and drawing, music would never be my thing, or so I thought.  

When I was 11 I made a small guitar the summer before my 6th grade year. I don't even remember what gave me the idea, maybe just that I wanted to.  The guitar was made of a two-by-four and a cabinet door.  Im not sure what other 11 year olds are allowed to use chisels and a power band saw to make a guitar but I was fairly comfortable with those tools and did much of it myself.  The headstock and tuners was a metal box and 1/4 inch carriage bolts and the strings were tie wire.  It really look more like a ukulele, but what did I know.  The thing hardly tuned or was playable.  I dinked around on it for a short time but mostly liked how it looked.  My mom asked me if I wanted a guitar.  I said, "nah, I just wanted to build one to see if I could."  

I was required to take band in sixth grade.  I had a clarinet of my mom's to play.  And I began to learn how to read sheet music.  Shout out to Mrs Morse for somehow getting music illiterate 6th graders to play an instrument in time for a concert by Christmas break.   That Christmas I received a guitar from my parents.  I played that guitar so much during that 2 week Christmas break I almost forgot how to play clarinet.   I learned a few chords from a book and plucked away at strings, figuring out what sounded good, but it wasn't until I discovered chord charts and tabs to songs online that I really begin to understand how to play songs.  I'd sit in my room for hours after school and sing and play along with hundreds of songs.  Using sheet music that Casey would bring home after the church was done with the copies. But no one needs 13 extra copies of music in a key that they can't even sing in(btw: the extra copies made for a lot of good games of pictionary with my family).  

    One day in high school my new music teacher was talking about wishing she was better at guitar so she could fill the spot for our school chapels.  I said that guitar wasn't too hard. I'm sure I just mouthed it but she heard something. From there I was stuck.  The next week I was playing on stage for chapel. Zero hour practices for dayzzzz…. I hated the spot light.  I loved the music part but I absolutely hated to be in front of people in general.  I had such horrible fear and anxiety I just shut down and couldn't function. I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into.  Yet I found myself on stage playing guitar for worship team telling God, "this is for You."   I found a calmness and a comfortableness to be in front of people.  Suddenly to stand on stage in front of people didn't affect me.    Though it didn't instantly click for me that it would be a calling.  For awhile I was really just filling a role that apparently no one else could or would, never had further intentions than that.  But God did and music and worship is still where I find myself.   But if I ever made it about me and my performance, I would be freaked out of my mind to be on stage to this very day.  Every time I set foot on stage on a Sunday morning or even during a Wednesday practice, I still have the thought "God this is all for You."  

I never thought I'd play piano either.  I would purposely misspell it "paino", cuz it was a pain.  It was too confusing, too many keys, I didn't actually understand what made a chord a chord, and forever I didn't know what any the notes on the keyboard. (...Lots of memorization later...) I got to college and was told I'd have to be proficient at piano in 2 years.  I hadn't even touched a piano, how in the world!  My instrument was guitar. Anyway that's all another story.    

 It's sometimes the most unsuspecting things that put you in position for God's calling. A guitar that I made when I was 11 turned into a whole list of instruments that I taught myself to play over the years.  A year of college music theory coupled with also being one of the hardest years of my life thus far, has been some of the most value information I've learned for my own musical projects and for worship team.   Sometimes I still wonder why I endured that season but hindsight I've seen lot of answers and just health in general as a result of that season. Maybe God gave me the idea to make a guitar because it would spark a passion and a calling I never thought I had. If it wasn't for that guitar I made 11 years ago and for the year college, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am forever grateful.  

The funny thing about all of this, is that guitar that I made laid house for awhile but got thrown away along time ago, I didn’t care I’d moved on since.   We share a dumpster at work with my grandma and surrounding houses.  Some one pulled it out of the trash and for the last 10 years probably it's sat on a plant shelf at my grandma with a group of western themed stuff she has.  I bet if it wasn't something that I saw every Christmas, I wouldn't have even remembered it.

Humbling Beginnings,

-KT

[katojordan]

Help Me

Lord help me when I try to defend myself before I hear You out.

Help me when I criticize before I know their story 

Help me when I judge, for I’m no better than anyone else 

Help me when I ask for things, for I don’t know what I really need.

 Help me when I forget to pray, because I need You 

Help me when I think I can’t love again, because You love me without condition

 Help me when It hurts to much to forgive, for You forgave those who hurt You

 Help me when my heart is broken because I know you heal

 Lord help me when life is chaos for You give me peace 

Help me in my doubt for you are always faithful 

Help me when I feel lonely for You never leave -KT

[tblaberge]

We fear to open up to others because we are afraid that the more others know about us, the less they will love us. Yet, Christ knows every hair on our heads, the very depths of our soul, and He loves us still. The concept of Christ’s love is hard for us to understand because we cannot love like He loves, we can only live in it, and let the product of His radiant glory shine from our hearts. When we have let Christ fully love us, and we in return love Him, that opens us up to love others in a very real and new way. One cannot contain the grand romance of Christ completely to themselves, it is a love too powerful for us to contain, therefore the love must be poured out; so that the dying may know life, the heartbroken can know joy, and the troubled can experience peace. To love Christ, is to let go of fear, and to know that our mistakes are not ours to carry, but for Christ to get rid of. Join now the eternal ballroom; this journey in which our hearts learn to dance and grow! Join now, for the lover of our souls awaits for us to surrender our fears, and accept His most wonderful gift, which is Himself.

T.B. LaBerge // To Love Christ (via tblaberge)

[katojordan]

Dear Doubt

Dear doubt,      You make me questions all my decisions up until this point.  You make me question all future decisions.  Everything seemed like it was right before but I can shake you. This feeling that maybe I’ve got it all wrong, maybe I misheard God all those years ago or months ago.  Like the disciple Thomas, I guess I want more than words, I want evidence because I can’t believe what I’ve heard.       Hang in there doubting self.  It may seem like I am in the same place I was before, but I have been moving forward.  Maybe progress has been slow and tedious. Though it seems that I’m the same self that I always have been.  Im not as far as I thought Id be by this time.  It has been much harder and much slower.   Regret crops its head up again and I can’t help but start to compare to my friends.  Which I realize is mistake number one.  A lot of days I feel like I’m drowning in self made fears and anxiety, that I’ll never amount to anything, that I’m worthless.       Hold on doubting self.   I wonder if I heard God right.  I wonder if what Im doing now positions me for a good future. because most of the time it doesn’t feel like it.   I sorta feel stuck.  Yet Im reminded of what God told me, “Stay, wait and continue what you are doing.”    ‘Ok God, You better be right!’   Right now feels like I don’t have much going for me.  At first that word was confirmation and now it just makes me uncomfortable to ‘stay.’    People have told me I could do anything I want, but that problem is I don’t know what that is yet.  Ive tried a lot of things on my own and its not working out well.  Its like Peter fishing all night and catching nothing until Jesus tells him to cast nets on the other side of the boat.  Peter says, “ because You say so, I will…”  Keep hanging on doubting self it may be slow but don’t give up, good things are to come.   -KTJ

[katojordan]

Visit Original Link

All right go to Jars of Clay.  

This is my version of Work by Jars of Clay.  Its an oldie but a goodie and super fun to play.  Still little errors and problem spots but I think this one has no major hiccups that some previous tracks do.  Vocally it sounds low for me but actually the low-middle of my range.  Getting the right guitar grunge might have the hardest part.  

[katojordan]

"Sometimes we have to back track to find the path again.  Sometimes you sink learning how to swim.  You fall learning how to walk.  It’s sometimes the coldest right before the sunrise.  We have to sleep before we can wake up.

Often times things look dead, when really they lay dormant waiting for the right time when they can bloom into beauty.  Dreams may look dead.  Maybe you’ve even let go of some because Spring didn’t look as though it was coming.  But they lay dormant.  They lay in waiting for the right time.  Theyre waiting for the right ingredients, water sun and warmth before they can bloom.  Maybe that ungrown seed feels tramped underfoot.  You want to refuse to grow, but someone needs to see you bloom into beauty.  Yet like flowers on the side of the road, you go unnoticed.  It takes someone who cared enough to slow down, stoop down and believe in you to remind you that it’s worth it.  Maybe you have dreams that were planted seasons ago but lay dormat still.  Grow where you have been planted.  Sink roots down deep and stretch toward the life giving water. Do what you can do, show up everyday, do your best, and allow God to do His part.

Right now God may have you in a waiting season.  Though waiting is far from just doing nothing.  You’re working hard but you feel unnoticed.  It feels a lot like a waste of time.  This may have been the longest season of winter you have ever known. My dear friends do not grow weary of the cold and foggy days, because Spring will come.  God is a God of life.  He is a God of restoration and resurrection.  What may be dead to you is dormat to Him.  Like birds returning to the trees and green spouting from the ground, life returns to this hard cold barren landscape.  The world becomes new and God breaths new life into you." 

-KTJ

[katojordan]

Visit Original Link

This is not my original work, and all credit goes to Gungor.  That being said, “imitation is the best form of flattery.”  I have loved this song since I bought Gungor’s Beautiful Things album in college when I was really struggling with alot of things.  Out of the 15-20 covers that Im currently working on this was the one that I finally pushed farther along to become “done”

This honestly isn’t to the level of perfection and professionalism that I wish it could be.  Partly due to lack of proper recording equipment and the other part is that I still lack the skill.  Aside from bad banjo recordings and vocal errors.  Its still a reminder to me that God has me and is always faithful no matter where I am.   Its the original reason I love this song.

Out on the farthest edge There in the silence You were there My faith was torn to shreds Heart in the balance But you were there Always faithful Always good You still have me You still have my heart I thought I had seen the end Everything broken But you were there I've wandered heaven's gates I've made my bed in hell But you were there still Always faithful Always good You still have me You still have my heart You have me You have me You have my heart completely

[katojordan]

Waiting On A Promise

Waiting For A Promise Society views waiting as a bad thing.  Expedited shipping, fast food, microwaves, getting worried or angry when someone doesn’t return our texts in a couple hours or being stuck in traffic.  We typically want things here, and now.  God however, the author of time works on a completely scale than we do.  Since He cares more about our hearts and less about our destination so we may end up feeling like we are waiting for no reason.  Though most people would have never guessed because of my personality, about a year ago living without having an anxiety attack every day or week seemed like just a dream.  It was such a common thing I didn’t even know it was a problem.  It’s amazing what a taste of freedom can do.  Last year at camp was the first time in forever that life was peaceful.  

I’ve wrote about this topic before but here is the reason I’m writing about it again.  I had to leave the story open ended so I’m kind of putting  the bow on the present.  God said I was healed last year at camp. But only a week later I was having an anxiety attack, a bad one.  So my miracle didn’t work, I didn’t have enough faith, or God doesn’t do what He says?  That’s what the barrage of thoughts were in my head.  I was confused, angry and feeling defeating.  "Why is this still happening? God you said I was healed!“  Telling a friend of my frustration and confusion she told me she didn’t have the answers but but sometimes God doesn’t always heal instantly but its a process and that I should ask the Holy Spirit to help every time it happened.  At first I was almost frustrated by that answer, I knew it wasn’t going to immediately solve the problem, then a little annoyed I didn’t think of doing that myself.  

I knew the environmental causes and could avoid or mostly control that but when environment didn’t cause it I didn’t have an answer.  I was willing to try, I mean it couldn’t hurt to ask.  The answer I got was all to simple, "Your thoughts.”  But the simple answer doesn’t make it any less hard.  What you have to know by this point in my story is that I’ve struggled with my thoughts a lot, but I had took leaps and bounds during couple of years that I’d been learning how to think rightly about myself.  So ‘your thoughts’ came as more a slap in the face than a helpful answer.  My reply to God was something like, “I already am, what more do you want from me.”  He just quietly directed me back to 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Take every thought captive.”  Eventually realizing that I was really only filtering a certain train of thought and letting other things that seemed less harmful but were just as toxic slip by.

Here’s where the waiting comes in.  I kept hearing take it would take a year before I was finally over this thing.   In my pride and my own strength I thought I could short cut the process and do it in less time.  Until I found myself feeling particularly defeated one December night after not being able to hide the symptoms from the people I was around, but yet unable to put into words the problem.  I felt like a fool and was beating myself up mentally in the car on the way home for not being over it yet.  I was wearing myself out fighting it alone and being frustrated when I did not hit my own goal.  God reminded me, “1 year.”  I took a deep breath.  That phrase took the weight to perform off of me.  All the discipline in the world could not fix me, only with God could I do it.  I didn’t have to get better by myself.  I still had to go through the process but I didn’t have to do it in my own strength. Waiting in this case isn't an idle thing. It means actively seeking God as He works.

Trying to short cut the process will most likely only make it take longer because God is going to take you around the same mountain again and again until you’re ready to do it His way.   I knew I certainly couldn’t have known the freedom I had at camp by my own accord but for some reason I believed I was strong enough to get around Gods intended process.  There were times where I  found myself having an anxiety attack.  And it bothered me greatly that I couldn’t control it sometimes and did not know a cause.  I felt as though it was really all my fault for where I was and mentally tried to take all the responsibility to save myself from the anxiety.  It doesn’t work.  It just piles on guilt and shame and caused me to want to pull away from God instead of draw near.

 I knew freedom from camp but it only got harder from there.  I was waiting for the promise of being better though in the middle of my worst anxiety attacks the promise was so far out of sight.  I went many months hanging on to those words knowing that He is faithful even when I did not yet understand.  A whole year ahead of where I was I can see better what God was doing.  I’m can see purpose where there seemed to be none before.  I began writing this a couple months ago and I had no ending. I was still having the same panic like attacks they had just become less frequent and less severe.  The year mark moved closer and I wondered how I would end this blog, if it took longer than a year.  I had went a few months with no more progress but was this as good as it was going to get?    I wasn’t satisfied with half way because of the promise.   Though I actually didn’t know what no anxiety would even look like.  Coming up within a month or so of the year mark I had another “attack” but this time was different.   My emotions went through the panicked motions but my body and brain did not react to all of it.   I remembered the promise.  

[katojordan]

Then and Now: Advance

Advance is over what now?  I'd like to think I'm in control and I know what I'm doing, but I'm not, and I don't. Coming from a season where I knew what everything was going to be like what I needed to do to I don't really know what's next or what I need to be doing. I can't help but be thankful for the previous season.  It stretched and grew me so much.  The story that I may tell maybe a different version from what people saw but that’s ok. Advance so far has probably been one the best decisions of my 21 years of existence. Many have heard the story of when I started Advance my first year but now that’s it’s over, now what? To cap it all off and give some story of my experiences. Here’s a blog.

We graduated! As I finished up my last official hurrah with my class I’m reminded how far I’ve come. Im so thankful beyond words for God’s faithfulness and goodness. The dreams, the friends, the information, and all these words I could not do it alone. I see things just beginning and things that I thought would never get over, ending. Things that used to be a constantly struggle are hardly a thought now. I used to be afraid of this kind of freedom. Less than two years ago I wasn’t convinced that I was ready for freedom. I couldn’t see beyond the struggle. Freedom meant unknown territory and another level of vulnerability, further than I’d been before. Even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted it, I moved away from my darkness toward the light, out of the chains, toward healing, toward help, into a confidence that I never thought possible for myself.

Advance was a 100% commitment. And what I mean by that is quitting was never an option. When God asked me to do Advance I knew that meant both years and it wasn’t even worth an argument with Him. The transition from college to interns in the first year was probably the hardest shift. I struggled with adjusting to being in a season of interns. Commitment at its fullest meant always do the homework, always turn it in on time, don’t be late to class ever, and learn as much as I can.  Even when there seemed to be no reward or even a grade associated with finished homework, done and accomplished!  Not becoming arrogant with the knowledge and actually let the knowledge I was taught transform my life is something that I have to constantly remind myself of.  

Advance’s greatest impact was my foundation. It’s something that I could never fully explain in a blog. I started building a foundation of doctrine and Bible that even though I grew up in the church and went to Christian school and college, they could never give me. And saying you need systematic theology for your life doesn’t mean you need a Bible degree or be a Bible scholar. No, regular study of the Bible and doctrine is a crucial part of life. I look back over the things I have gone through and dealt with in the last two years and I know that this is right where God wanted me the entire time. In the midst of building the foundation some of the most devastating things happened. I know that if those things would’ve happened any earlier it would have wrecked me. The mindsets and the circumstance I had and went through would have taken me out. But because of Jesus being the solid foundation, my life was stable when everything else was shifting around me. Most people have no clue about my struggles and that’s OK, God did His work. And I’m sure that I will eventually talk or write about some of that.  There was no comfort in telling people, and honestly I was scared of their sympathy.  I did not reach out for help much, but turned to Jesus for peace and rest in some of the biggest things I’ve ever faced. Ive never experienced the strength or peace of God on that level at any other time.

Second year is where you really get pushed to be a leader.  I really had no confidence in my ability to lead anything or anyone in the beginning.  I am a little more of the passive type when it comes to speaking my opinion or barking orders at people so a leader in the way that most people see it, I am not.   Coupling with the fact that I hate conflict or confrontation so much that I don’t even want to be in the room with two people arguing.  It was very unnatural for me because I like the ‘backseat.’  

One thing that my pastor said one day in class stuck with me: “No word that God spoke is too small or out of timing.” He was referring to making sure you write down everything that God speaks to you because you will need it later and cannot possibly remember it all. In the same week God spoke three simple words to me that were confirmation for where I was. I scribbled the three words down quickly in the moment of worship and as the week progressed God revealed more to me about what that word meant for me. All of the prophecies, things that He spoke to me, the pictures He showed me, I would never trade it for anything. Always what I needed, right when I needed it. Most of those words and visions changed my course of life in a big way. Everything from doing Advance in the first place to pursuing my dreams now.

Written in a billion skies Speaking to this heart of mine All that I am with all creation Hanging on every word that You’ve spoken And it will not be shaken Clinging for life to all Your promise Hanging on every word that You say

-Hillsong

Friends aren’t to be left out. I cannot fit everything I’ve experienced or learned about this topic in a paragraph but I admit I struggled a lot with this part more than I ever have before.  I saw people being two faced and flakey and was told that those people would be my “best friends” as the year progressed. I had a hard time with it as cliques happened and I ended up feeling unwelcome in every circle. Am I to blame for a lot of the problem? Yeah, maybe. But it was a two way street and if I had to do all the work to stay connected to the person, I wasn’t going to try hard.  I realized that talk is cheap. Its just talk unless actions back it up. I let go of a lot of friendships and forgave a lot of people. I grew a lot when it came to trust. I learned a lot about myself. I fought self independence that wanted to isolate and cut off from people and friends. I hated the shallow relationships, still do… I decided to take a backseat to trying to make friends or spend time with some people for awhile. I just observed people from a distance and watched how other people interacted with each other. There were times where I spent more time being frustrated with myself over things that had happened and I realized how little of control I have in anything.  Little by little I had to start trusting again and letting people into my life again.  I’m beginning to again enjoy being with people and hanging out with friends.

There is so much that I have learned from advance I could probably list 100 life changing things that I learned over the last 2 years. I’ve changed so much. I’m not the person I was two years ago or even just a year ago. I look back and I don’t even know that person that I was.  But I look back and realize without the foundation that I had what I’ve went through in the last two years would’ve taken me off course.  Which I find slightly humorous because Advance to me was off course two years ago, off my course.  Advance was the furthest thing from what I ever wanted to be doing. I found myself doing year number two with some pretty cool people that I’m really glad I got to hang out with for at least nine months.  Life has its pits and its peaks and during those seasons your true self is revealed.  It wasn’t Wilderness that showed me who I was, it was the day to day.  There is far too much I could and want to say but this is long enough.

[katojordan]

You, The One And Only

 What makes you so special?  What makes you different from every other of the 7 billion people on planet earth?  "Well I sing, I can build something, I can play an instrument, I serve, I..."  Whatever it is that you think distinguishes you from everyone else, let me just say someone else does the same thing, and probably they are better at it.  But I tell you that you are unique.  There is only one you.  And aside from you are the only one with your fingerprint.  The only one with your iris in your eye.  I know you've probably heard it said over and over again or maybe you haven't.  You are special.  But do you realize how special you actually are? 

                                                      //// 

I struggle with believing this sometimes.  I look at my failures and mistakes and struggle to see how I could be special.   I look at other people and compare, “They look like they know what they’re doing.  I feel like I don’t have a clue.”  I think of individual things I'm good at but there is always someone out there who is better than me.  I could always find someone younger, stronger, smarter, more outgoing, more athletic, prettier, or thinner than I am.  So you think, "what in the world is this, you just said a paragraph ago I was special?"  There are things you can do that no one else can.  Reaching people that only you can reach.  Why?  That's the way you were made.  It's not by accident that you are who you are.  You have a purpose that was custom designed for you. 

                                                     ////

                                                       //// 

When you understand how important the role you play actually is, you realize you matter.  Your perspective of yourself changes and you begin to live differently.  Even if you really do not know what that purpose or calling is yet.  No one else can play the role that you play in life exactly.  You are important.  No one else has exactly had the life that you've had or been through the things that you've been through.  When I begin to understand that the things that I've been through and the things that I've experienced allows me to reach out to people who are going through a similar thing.   

                                                        ////

Sometimes the most powerful thing that helped me was someone saying, "me too" and " I understand."  And not just anyone saying that but someone who had been through the same thing and beat it.  Those friends were telling me I could make it,  just don’t quit.  They were sometimes the only people I heard  encouragement from in some dark moments of my life.  That person had been set up on purpose to reach me in that moment of my life, in that certain season.  I realize that we will go through similar things at times but if just anyone said that it wouldn't have meant the same thing.    Not everyone has the same level of influence to me and their words carried a little more weight. 

                                                     ////

Still doesn't sound that special to you?  Could have someone else had the same impact on my life in that area?  Yeah probably, but it wasn't someone else.  It was them.  It's you.  Those people weren't in my life on accident.  Who they were and what they'd been through, though difficult at times, was for a specific purpose.  Those people’s voice was very important in my life.  Be who you meant to be.  There is a little known song lyric from NF that says, "try's to find who I was, being everything I wasn't."  Don't try to be like someone else.   Your life isn't meaningless and worthless.  There is an important role that you play. 

                                                       ////

You are important.  You have an unique combination of experiences, qualities and yes even flaws.  Yes, In a lot of way we are all the same.  Do others have similar experiences as you? Yes.  Do others have your exact life.  No.  No other person can play your part like you do.  The world doesn't need copies, it needs you to be you, because someone needs you to be who you really are.  Those people had the impact on my life because they were themselves functioning in their purpose.  Finger print and iris aside, you're purpose and calling is unique to you and ONLY you.  

[katojordan]

Easter: It Was All For Love

Easter is this weekend if you couldn’t tell by all the talk of eggs and easter bunnies.   I think the thing that comes to mind first for me is that I'm probably going to figure out how to dress nicer for church and that I've never painted Easter eggs in my life.   But my dread of having to dress nice and disliking pastel colors aside, what is Easter really about?    I have been in church my entire life so I can answer that without a second thought because I've heard it thousands of times.  Easter is obviously the greatest Christian holiday and without the event we celebrate we wouldn't have a valid faith.  Simply put, Easter is: “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.”  -John 3:16-17 (MSG)

Jesus' sacrifice was the greatest act of love.  And I guess I can't help but be thankful and I know indebted to Him but until I got a deep understanding of Easter, it was a surface thankfulness, "well my sins are taken care of and I'm saved from hell."  But this is a sad existence if I never grab ahold of all that Easter means.  I mean, if that is the only thing Jesus' sacrifice did I am still in debt and should be grateful.  But Jesus came to give me so much more than my fire insurance.  He is not the small God we fall prey to thinking He is.  He is more than the minimized non-transformative Gospel culture makes Him out to be.  I am free because He freed me, I am unashamed because He covered me, I am the righteousness of God because He became my sin, I am no longer a slave because He bought me, I can forgive because He forgave and, I can love because He loved.    

 It took me years to believe that it was really true.  It was only knowledge in my head not my heart.  I struggled to understand why a perfect God would even care about me, let alone love me.  I could only see myself as a messed up--and continually messing up--wreck.  I remember the first time I had an encounter with God’s love.  I was 15, a freshman in high school.  I went to a BarlowGirl concert late in March.  As BarlowGirl ended the concert they sang  ‘How He Loves.’   God encountered me that night in a way that I had never experienced before and for the first time I knew that God actually loved me.  I realized that there was no amount of religious rules I could do that would make Jesus love me.  It took me 15 years to experience God’s true love and many more years to come to grips with that being the true reality of God.  God is love and He loves me.   As cheesy as BarlowGirl probably seems to some of you, they are still my favorite (disbanded) band.

     Many times since that BarlowGirl concert I have had to drag my doubting mind and my unbelieving heart back to that moment and that song to remember.  It is never a one time deal--that is, we don't feel it once and then never have to feel it again.   My mind is small and I easily forget what He has done and who He is.  Constantly I have to remind myself of the horrific pain and terrible death He endured because of His love for me.  Every day is a fight for love. Letting someone--someone who is perfect and already knows everything about me, I might add--love me is hard.  The cross is an act of selfless love.  I believed I had to work for it, earn it.  The weight of trying to work myself to salvation was removed when I understood that His love for me has never changed.  Terrible sinner or righteous saint, we are all the same, we still need Jesus.    

This is justice for my wickedness with your Son descending Onto this world bearing our sin We're helpless in need of Your grace This freedom is not in our hands Still Your grace remains

It was not nails that kept You there on that tree It was not thorns that caused You your pain For it was my sin, it was Your burden It was my sin, it was Your love for me -In Your Wake by Wolves At The Gate

He didn’t hang powerless and begrudgingly on the cross, but willingly, lovingly, and with me in mind.  Taking the wrath of God and becoming my righteousness. He took your sins to the cross and there they are forgiven and forgotten.  He reaches out and asks me to draw close, to be vulnerable with Him and receive His love.  Easter to me means love.  It means peace.  It means hope.  It means freedom.   No longer do I have to be a slave to my sinful actions, sinful thoughts, and sinful desires.  The cross is not the end, He did not stay dead.  He lives now.  The chains are broken, I am free, I am healed.  No longer am I a slave to my dark thoughts and negative emotions.  His victory over death and sin means my victory to overcome what I cannot on my own.  The stone is rolled away and the tomb is empty.  Reach out to Him, His arms are open and waiting.  He wants you to come to know the true love and truth.  This Easter grab ahold of all that Jesus is and has done and hang on for dear life.    

Easter was the risk love was willing to take

-KT

[katojordan]

Silence the Messenger, Kill the Message

Have you ever been in a situation where you should have spoken up, but didn’t?  Maybe you were waiting for the right time to say something but you missed it or the chance never came.   Maybe it was a simple compliment or some input on an idea but you were to afraid to speak up.  The message you were trying to give didn't get received.  The compliment or critique died right there with you and never benefitted the one that was supposed to hear.  

 The enemy did a good job for a long time making me believe that my voice--what I had to say--wasn't important and didn't matter.  Not that I'm so important that no one could go on without my words of wisdom, but you understand.  Even as I write this I struggle with thoughts that nothing I have to say will make a difference.  And maybe it won’t, maybe I’m just adding data to cyberspace and thats all it will ever be.  But I know that I have a God given voice and influence that goes beyond this blog.  And I believe that there is a level of stewardship that goes with it.  The devil's goal is to get you to stop using it anyway he can.  Whether through insecurity, fear, intimidation or not understanding the purpose and power in it, he wants to silence your voice and shut down the impact you will have.  

            I understood the power of words at a very young age.  But what I didn't quite understand what the impact that MY voice could have.  The enemy did a good job when I was young of getting me to be insecure about my physical voice.  A lot of factors went into the insecurity of my voice.  Everything from people making fun of how I talked, to being called a boy by strangers because my voice is naturally lower than most.  It was the frustration at this common occurrence that kept me quiet for so time.  Many times I struggled with what to say (Sorry if I've ever answered your questions with one word answers, I’m learning).  How do I use my voice?  I developed the mindset that nothing I'm going to say makes a difference.  “Words have power, but I don’t have any power, so no one will listen to me."   My great dislike of competition and conflict drove me to be quiet around people who were much louder than I am, I didn't want to waste my breath talking over someone else.  

Everything we do gives off a message not just the words we speak.  Don't mind my little interpersonal communication lesson here.   There are lots of ways to send a message without using words.  The actually words we are saying is only 20% of the equation.  The other 80% is the tone and our body language.  That is why sarcasm works so well with most people.  Everything we do sends a message to someone, whether we care what they receive or not.  How we dress, the way in which we talk, the way we walk, facial expressions, our choices...the list could go on and on.  We sometimes forget that our clothing or tone of voice or facial expressions could help send our message.  People can usually pick out in a second if what you are saying doesn’t match the rest of your demeanor.  When you don’t live the message it's less believable.  Most commonly known as saying one thing and doing another; eventually no one really believes what you say.

The enemy would love for us to be silent but if he can't keep us quiet the next best thing is to be negative and destructive with our voice.  I could build myself up with it, but tear everyone else down.  If he can get the destructive thoughts in your head he can probably eventually get you to tear down someone else.  He would love to shut down your influence with people by tainting it.  My voice is one of my greatest tools to fight the enemy as well.  Whether that's in the form of words on a page or my physical voice there is power in it.   More than just my body language and the words I say, the way I live my life is a message.  I can live in such a way that it gives people hope and I can say things that encourage people.  Let your message of what Jesus has done and is doing be lived and spoken.  Don't let the devil silence you, don't let your message die with you.  

-KTJ